Moms of Light

A Mothers Cry for Help

2011-12-07T11:38:00.001-05:00

Today, I sit in the presence of angels. I have much to be grateful for and then I have much heaviness in my heart. I will first begin with my gratitude…I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for the souls of my children that fill my house. I am grateful for the happiness on their faces and the opportunities to help them along in their individual lives. I am grateful for their unconditional love and the beauty that radiates in the pupils of their eyes every time I look upon their face. I am grateful for the love of my husband that is wealthy, uncensored, and divine in nature. He has a sense of groundedness that keeps me sane amongst the storms in our lives. It is when we are connected that our spirits soar and the beauty within each of us is revealed to ourselves and to the world. Our home is meant to be a safe haven to explore yourself and announce yourself to the world. In our home we are meant to love and learn from each other, the good and the bad, and even the sometimes heaviness of a storm that may seem like it will never end. Somehow like a deep rooted tree that weathers the heaviest of storms we come out being there for each other and helping each one of us to heal individually and collectively. I speak from the heart. I speak in pictures and descriptions of every day matters because I know we are not the only family that weathers storms in such a fashion.
Since our move from Michigan to Illinois, many wonderful things have happened. I have expanded on these in previous writings. But now, I must divulge my true fears, my true heartaches, my true dwellings that make me heavy at times. The one big one for me is the heaviness I feel in my heart for my son, my dear one, my first born, the first breathe of heaven to enter into our life. Ethan is 10 years old now. When he was born he came in like a tumultuous flash of energy. He came in with a disability known as Spina Bifida. As parents, we had no idea that the baby I was carrying had this disability. It was not until the night before his birth that we found out. We were in the doctor’s office for an ultrasound to check my amniotic fluid because I was over a week over due. What they found was an abnormality on his spine and later was defined to us as spina bifida. Ethan came the next morning after a heart wrenching night of full awareness of how our lives would be forever changed. The incredibleness and synchronicities that lead up to his birth were as if we were divinely guided without knowing it. This will be a story to tell for another time.

We were told that we would have a child that would never walk, would always have urological, orthopedic, and neurological problems. What did this mean for us? It meant that he would need constant attention. The amount of energy that this little one would require would become a task that I was not ready to bear. But, we had no choice. So, myself, being an Occupational Therapist at the time, I put on my therapy shoes and became his therapist for the past ten years. At the same time as being a therapist determined to help my child the mother inside of me was torn apart by my son’s condition. The Mother in me felt incredible responsibility for what had happened to him. Somehow, I had caused his disability. Somehow, I had done something or didn’t do something I should have done those first formative weeks of life inside my belly that had caused his deformity. After all he grew inside of me and the mother is the vessel of nourishment. How else could this be explained other than I had done something. I had caused the pain and suffering that would surround his life. As Ethan grew and as Ethan transformed into toddler and little boy and now big boy, what I never stopped to ‘see’ all these years was that he was never in pain…It was me who was the one in pain. I was the one beating myself up for something that I had no control. All the therapy I put him through all the constant attention to getting stronger and more and more independent was surrounded by the underlying fear that I had somehow done this to my child and I had to correct my mistakes. So, instead of surrounding him with the compassion and grace of mother love I surrounded him with the goal oriented therapist. But as we know as we are human, we can only go so far on sheer determination. Somehow, and in some way you are going to crash because you are not being filled up. I always had high expectations for Ethan and always pushed him to as far as he could go. After 10 years of miracles and heartache Ethan has turned out to be an incredible child. Before we left Michigan he was beginning to walk without his arm crutches, he was having sensation as to when he needed to go to the bathroom at times, and he was dismissed from his school IEP because he was doing so well in his academics that he no longer needed outside support.

My most heart wrenching weariness that follows me daily now that we have come to Illinois is the loss of all of this…the seeming steps we have taken back. It seems that we have lost all that we worked so hard to gain in Michigan. Ethan, seems weaker in his legs, he is having trouble climbing the bus steps that he used to tower over daily. He is not doing well in school. He is missing concepts, disorganized, and receiving poor grades. He is acting out at home. He no longer has feeling when going to the bathroom. He is angry, upset, and disrespectful. He is not the Ethan we had several months ago. I feel that as a mother I have lost my child, I feel I have lost the child that had so much going for him in Michigan. But at the same time I know we are supposed to be here in Illinois. Our move and everything that surrounded our coming here was divinely orchestrated. So, why are we going through such incredible setbacks right now? My heart, my intuition tells me that Ethan is crashing because I have neglected to give him the unconditional love and support as a Mother. He is calling out for Love. That I have done a terrific job playing the therapist but that now he needs Mother Love. Mother Light, Mother Love.

So, I come to you today for help. I cry out to you to send my son love. To send a Mother’s Love so powerful that it comes in with the energy and force of a bear and at the same time holds such grace and compassion that it has the delicacy of a lotus flower. I write this as a mother who needs her sister unity, who needs the support of other mothers out there to listen, to hear, to understand, and to support and to nourish us all. I write as a cry for help, as a feeling to myself, and a question that I ask, “Am I crazy?” Could this all be happening? Could I be losing my child? I am not looking for answers I am looking for prayers. Prayers for a miraculous healing for my son. I have called upon Mother Mary daily; I continue to call upon her in every moment. I have laid down my child in her hands and into the hands of the Divine and all the Angels of healing. I call upon the sisters of light. I call upon the mothers of light. I call for prayers of healing over my child, my first born, my love, because I know that prayers of many can heal. Prayers have healed my child and many children before. I can name many miracles that have happened to Ethan because of the power of prayers of others. I call to you…and I ask for your help. Just as I rest my thoughts in the arms of Mother Mary, than Angels, and the universe, I lay my child at their feet, and I trust and I know that the healing will happen.
I have written this knowing that I am not alone. Knowing that there are Mothers out there going through the same type of heartache. So I pray for all of them. As I walk with them in their shoes my intention is that as my son heals their fears, their worries, their struggles are healed and carried away as well. As one heals we all heal and we all live, truly live, the life we were meant to enjoy, in Joy.
Thank you. Namaste.

2011-10-16T11:29:00.001-04:00

Be not afraid

2011-05-06T10:20:00.001-04:00

Test text

December 25, 2010

2010-12-25T16:42:00.003-05:00

It is Christmas Day! Merry Christmas! A good night's sleep last night, a morning 4 mile run, and eating food full of light today. A good day. A big 'thank you' goes out to all that helped contribute to a wonderful day. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very Sincerely, Jennifer

New Blog....New Life

2010-09-28T07:27:00.002-04:00

I have resolved to changing my blog...why? Because I think I am way too serious at times and i need to lighten up! Hence the Mom of Light is Lightening up!!!! Catchy huh? So....stay tuned... light is coming your way and we are going to have some fun...we need to redecorate the blog too. New pictures, new lay out, new links, etc. Here we go...

Coming out of the Dark and into New Light

2010-05-15T11:15:00.004-04:00

It is the day before my 38th birthday. First of all, i can not believe that i am going to be 38. When people ask me how old i am going to be i have to stop and think about it. I just never keep track of the number. My thoughts inside my head go something like this, "Born in 1972, so minus this from 2010, and i am going to be..." , "38!", I say out loud. Many people have reactions to my response. Some laugh, some look on with disbelief, and some just roll their eyes. But they are all reacting to the fact that i just can't remember how old i am. This is a great way to live. Why does a number matter in the first place? Its the way we feel about our life that really matters. I could be 28, depressed and completely dissatisfied with my life. The number does not matter...its the way we perceive ourselves in this world. I have a long road of perceiving myself in the dark. Most of my childhood life was filed with darkness and small disbursements of light that would come and go and keep me going. These little lights that kept me safe were, what i like to think, angels disguised as humans. Growing up, i didn't have the support of my parents. They were off in their own misery so i had guides and angels such as my grandfather, my mother's brother, and friends that helped me out along the way. After a long road and many years of discomfort it has only been recently that i feel completely renewed, refreshed and filled with light. I am grateful for everything around me. For the life i live and the people that fill me up. Could i have come to this point in my life if i did not know the darkness first? That is a good question. I believe, not. How would we know that darkness exists without experiencing it first hand? I believe that i went through all of this darkness so that i could appreciate how wonderful life can be. Was this my soul purpose on this planet? Hmmm...another good question. I have been twittling with this the past several months. What is my soul purpose on this planet? I had been pondering this question so deeply that i actually stoped doing everything that i thought i loved to do, cleansed my body, and decided to investigate first hand what i am. Who i am. And why am I here? This had plagued me so deeply that i felt myself falling apart in so many ways. My body ached, my heart hurt, and my mind was racing. Why am i here and what is my purpose? I had to know. Many months ago when this process began i had no idea that everything would lead me to this day before my birthday with the utmost KNOWING of who i am. (This is one of the reasons why i had been off line for so many months) I will spare you the process right now...because it is a long and intensive one that has taken me to the KNOWING i have today. So, to make a long story short I have a brief list of who I am...

1. I am Jennifer Burkhart
2. I am a mother.
3. I am a sister.
4. I am a wife.
5. I am a friend.
6. I am a daughter.
7. I am a lover.
8. I am an Intuitive Therapist.
9. I am a volunteer.
10. I am...............

The list is in no particular order of importance for they are all individually just as important. I only know that I am filled with joy when i balance my selves in all of these roles. My life is fullfilled when i have these wonderful roles to fullfill. I am anything and everything when i choose to express myself in these ways. I know that i am not just one of these roles and that all of these roles are important at the same time. I must take time to nurture all of these parts. This creates a juggling act that is only perfected as i practice day after day. Some days are easier than others and sometimes i can easily juggle all these roles and other days i constantly 'drop the balls'. But the fact is that i know 'my balls' and i like 'my balls'! (Ha!) And now that i have realised that i am exactly where i am doing exactly what i am supposed to be doing in every given moment than i am exactly the being that i am. I am!

So... Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear me... Happy Birthday to me!

Two weeks into 'Going Green'

2010-01-17T10:53:00.001-05:00

My quest to ‘go green’ with my family’s food products and household items we buy has been going very well. Fortunately, it has been much easier than expected. I have met many people who have the same ideals in mind and who speak of the benefits they have experienced since they decided to clear out their homes and replace the products they use with non toxic, green, and organic items. Personally, in a short amount of time my family has experienced several benefits. Primarily, in my quest to ‘go green’ I have found that I live more consciously in every moment of every day.

How so? I am constantly thinking about where our family’s food comes from and how the vegetables, eggs, chicken, or any other item that is stored in our refrigerator or pantry comes to our home. I am looking for how they are handled and processed from land to home. I want to know the story behind their journey. If I agree with how they are handled than I will allow them into my home and I will consciously use my money to support their process. There is great power in living a conscious life and choosing how we will use our money.

Originally, food had a purpose of sustaining life. Food was intended to give us energy to live. It was viewed as a living organism that was treated with respect and honor for the purpose that it shared in existence with us. Whether it be a plant or animal, everything had a reason for living. Plants were not only used for eating but their healing properties were used as very effective medicines for treating and curing diseases. Animals were not only food, but they were a part of the circle of life. They were viewed as just as important as feeding and giving back to Mother Earth as any other breathing and living thing. Somewhere in our human quest to become a modern world and all the gifts of science and engineering we lost this grounded view of life. We got caught up in the miracles of science and our ability to use chemicals and compounds to take the place of what nature had intended. Our ears became deaf, our hearts closed, and our intuition was lost. But, I believe we are returning to the days of living one with our environment and living from our hearts. We are returning to the idea that food is life giving substance, energy, and a vibration that sustains life. Unfortunately, many of us grew up in unconscious homes never being taught the true intention behind food. We lived in a world of fast food convenience, preservatives that kept food contained in cans for years, and the idea that buying bulk was easier. We lost our connection and we never gave food a second thought other than the ability to store it for long time periods so that we could stay away from the grocery store for as long as possible. We needed to make time for more important things, and so we thought. What we forgot is that food not only provides us with precious life energy but a reason for coming together and enjoying each other. Food is social and shared in the company of those we care about. Even Jesus broke bread and drank wine with his closest companions on one of his most historical evenings on this planet. Food is one of the main ingredients in our circle of life. We depend on it as much as it depends on us. So, going ‘green’ has enlightened my ideas about life and has heightened my desire to spread the idea of what it means to live life as a Mom of Light or a Being of Light.

Here is a run down of some of my experiences the past couple of weeks… On one of my trips to the store my only intention was to restock my refrigerator with some natural lunch meats for my kids sandwiches for school. Natural meats are made from animals that have been raised without hormones, grain fed, and made without preservatives. When I went to the counter to order I was informed that they were all out of every type of natural meat I had requested. “Ugh…how could this be?”, I thought in my head. They had cases stocked with the ‘other’ meats but none of the kinds that I needed. Then I consciously thought about this dilemma. There were two ways to consider this situation. One, I was given the opportunity to understand that I may not always be able to get what I intend to find at the stores with my new ‘go green’ philosophy. This does not mean that I will settle for anything less, it just may mean that I have to be creative and always have a back-up plan. There were plenty of other options like natural peanut butter and organic jelly sandwiches or organic cheese and crackers, etc., etc. I was just going to have to accept that this may happen from time to time and that being creative kept my mind busy and healthy. That was just fine with me. The other concept to consider was the reasons why they ran out of the ‘natural’ meats. Natural meat has no preservatives so stores cannot stock up on these items. This particular store did not specialize in organic and natural foods so it was no surprise that they might not have exactly what I was looking for. Lastly, this may have been a lesson in always trusting and believing that we will always be provided with and get exactly what we need in every moment and situation.

My next lesson had to do with waste. Since ‘going green’, much of what I have been buying has been fresh, unprocessed, and/or unpackaged. Our garbage can has been less full. For two weeks in a row we have filled up one bag of garbage per week and the rest of our waste has been recycled items. In fact, our recycling has doubled and our waste has been cut in half. Wow, that is pretty cool! Especially for a family of five! That makes me feel good about what I am doing for my family and Mother Earth. Not to mention, our newest addition to our family’s new lifestyle has been a composter. As a Christmas gift, my supportive husband, bought me a composter. Yep, I’m one of those women who would rather have a composter than a diamond bracelet. Not that I wouldn’t want diamonds…only if I knew that the people who mined those diamonds were treated fairly and just. The composter has changed our lives. Every scrap of leftover food goes into the composter every day and by the end of the week we have rich soil ready to be used for our garden in the spring time. When you compost you get a firsthand look at how, “You are what you eat”. Everything we use goes right back into the Earth and will supply the needed nutrients to grow the food you will eat in the future. The circle continues to go round and round and we have a very fortunate firsthand look at the entire process. Honestly, who wants veggies treated with pesticides and animal products treated with hormones back in your soil? Going green and using a composter gives us back that control.

Next, my ‘go green’ challenge has made me closely read labels and educate myself on other items in my home. I was cleaning the three bathrooms in my house one day and took a look at the ingredients on my cleaning materials. Hmmm….I found out that I don’t understand half of what is mentioned on those containers. Further review and research has shown me that I am not just ‘cleaning’ my home I am filling our sinks, toilets, tubs, and floors, with toxins that can make us sick! So…..I am going out with the old and in with the new. No more, ‘Mr. Clean.’ He doesn’t seem so strong and appealing anymore. I am in the process of filling my shelves with non toxic items. The jury is still out on this one, as I test and consider alternative products. As I fill my shelves and experiment I will keep you updated on what I find. Also to consider from this process is the possibility that I may have developed a skin rash from cleaning my own home with the toxic products. This is what thrust me forward into considering other means. In the past 3-4 weeks I have developed a serious skin rash every time I have used my current cleaning products. So severe was the rash that I had to orally consume steroids to calm the rash down. On its return, I sought the advice of my functional medicine doctor who prescribed calendula oil and tea tree oil. After a few rubs of these herbal plant remedies my rash has been contained and almost completely eliminated. Wow, this stuff worked incredibly faster and more efficiently than any other over the counter anti-itch remedy out there, and believe me, I tried them all! Again, I am switching my cleaning products over due to my experiences. I am also incredibly grateful for the gifts of Mother Nature and all the incredible effective natural remedies she has to offer. I only have to be ready and willing to learn and the answers come.

Lastly, I have found that ‘go green’ has had an overall compassionate and loving effect on my family. My children are learning just as I am learning about living with our environment and being conscious day in and day out. They see us putting our food back into the Earth, limiting our waste, and only buying what we need as we need it. Shopping and cooking has become an enjoyable process that we all do together and learn about as we go along. I love that my children watch me shop for and pick out the very best products that represent how we want to live our lives. I love that they ask me questions and that they want to learn. Overall, our home seems calmer and more in tune with life. We commune together on a more regular basis and my children respect the food that comes to the table. It has been a win/win situation that has been fairly easy to adjust. The key has been to keep an open mind and an open heart and to view every experience in a positive light. When we put our intentions out there, the universe responds. The universe has definitely responded to my request. I may not always agree with what I am being provided but when I consider the lesson in a conscious light it always makes sense in hindsight. I continue to integrate the new lifestyle into our life and have no doubt that I will have more experiences to share.

Now, it is time for me to start considering my new ‘thing’ to give up or change in my current life. I have already decided. In light of the occurrence in Haiti and my continual desire to help others I will be exploring ways to contribute to my community and environment on a more active level. I will find ways to share my expertise with others on a personal and professional level. I plan to either join a club or find ways to give back to life. I have already found myself giving my services to others lately but now I am ready for more. The past couple of weeks I have been servicing myself to others that need help with physical and emotional healing. I pulled out my massage table again and have been devoting my spare time to helping others heal and embrace their lives. People have been showing up in need of healing and I have just been providing. It is time for this side of my business to flourish on a more active and financial level and for me to in turn service myself to my community. The two sides are complementing each other and developing very easily right now, so I am taking this opportunity and asking for more to come. I will be developing my business and in turn giving back to my community. The opportunities are endless. Stay tuned for more.

I thank you for spending your time reading this blog and I hope that you are inspired to live your life to your fullest on some level. It is my hope that this year brings inspirational living for all!

Side Note: In my last blog my husband and I were struggling about which coffee would meet my high standards and his high palate. Well, we found a brand that met all of our expectations and we enjoy our morning brew daily.

My First Three Days Going Green!

2010-01-03T12:18:00.001-05:00

I have received some very supportive responses from people about my New Year resolution and my first ‘change of habit’ assignment. You may be wondering how it is going. My first three days are filled with endless conscious thoughts about my decision to ‘Go Green’ with any household purchases. My husband and I had our first serious ‘car discussion’ on the way back from my 6 year old son’s hockey game. He was on his way to a local bulk convenience store while I was taking the kids to piano lessons. There are a few things that my husband will not give up, like his bulk hard cheese. And then there are a few things that physically my oldest son cannot give up at this time (pull ups) for medical reasons (written in ‘Ethan’s Blog’). We get these few things at this store because it is truly a convenience for us, for now. Anyway, my husband and I were reviewing the few items on the list. In addition to the previously mentioned items Andy wanted to buy ‘good’ coffee. “What do you mean?” I queried. “What qualifies as ‘good’ coffee?” I further pursued. I have to admit I was a bit perturbed by his announcement of wanting to buy ‘good’ coffee. I knew that it meant he was judging what was good by taste only. I still had to ask in order to give him the benefit of the doubt. Of course, I didn’t like his answer, “I want coffee that tastes good not the stuff you have been buying.” He further clarified that he liked the ‘Michigan’ coffee and that he wanted to look for more at the store. I immediately put on my defenses like a warrior preparing for battle with her best protective armor. I knew what this meant. We had gone down this road many times before. Like the peanut butter he can’t stand because it doesn’t taste or look like Jiff, or the chips that have not been genetically altered, filled with preservatives, or dowsed in hydrogenated oils that he complains about when they don’t satisfy his taste buds. I remember one moment in our many years together when he was trying to make his own chocolate peanut butter ice cream out of the good natured products we had at home. One thing after another ticked him off. The bland brand of ice cream I was buying was the first thing. “Why don’t you buy normal ice cream that I like and not only the kind you like?” He announced in a bit of irritation. Then when he opened a brand new jar of natural peanut butter I thought he was going to have a coronary on the spot, not from what he was eating but from what he saw floating on the top of the peanut butter jar. As many people know, when you open a new jar of natural peanut butter you have to stir in the oils that have separated and gathered at the top of the jar then you stick it in the refrigerator and your peanut butter is good to go for the rest of its use. His first view of that oily mess sent him over the edge with tongue threatening talk which sent me over the edge as well. Somehow, he managed to make his own version of peanut butter ice cream and sit down to enjoy his treasure. I, on the other hand, was still ticked. Andy only had to make a couple more comments which I resented and then I unconsciously lost control. In my stance of rage I marched over to him grabbed his bowl of ice cream took it over to the kitchen sink and threw it down the drain. Then I marched upstairs, locked the bedroom door, and sat in fury trying to calm my Godzilla instincts. So, putting on my suite of armor was second nature for me as we began our calm conversation over coffee and what defines ‘good’ coffee.

What I learned from Andy is that ‘good’ coffee is defined by taste and then where it comes from is secondary to his primary needs. This time our conversation stayed civil, as it should in a car full of three youngsters that can hear everything going on in the front seat. We had done this so many times in the past that it was time to start acting like adults. Andy did have a good point. He wanted to buy that ‘Michigan’ coffee because it comes from Michigan, it tastes good, and it supports our economy. I thought that it was a conscious thought that deserved to be considered. I further explained that I had no idea how their coffee was processed and I was not sure of where it came from, until I found these things out I could not think of buying the coffee when we do have options to try other brands that I know are fair trade and organic. I recognized his conscious thought to buy a local Michigan product and was delighted he was beginning to think in this way. Andy never liked the other brands I have tried in the past because they didn’t taste good. I further explained that it is a learning process we are going through as we transition over and that we are going to have to be patient with each other. They are good tasting coffees we just have to figure out the right strength to make them in order to satisfy our taste buds. As we calmly discussed he eventually agreed to hold off buying his coffee and trust that we could figure all this out and satisfy both our needs. I let go of the processed bulk cheese buying and even suggested that he search for ‘his’ peanut butter product even though I had just bought a new brand to try. Our first discussion and our first dilemma had emerged as a work in progress that we would figure out as life went along. This was promising, especially when coffee is a hot commodity at our house. Religiously, I prep the coffee every night for the next morning. Every day, I start with a hearty cup while Andy fills his 2 stainless steel mugs and carries them to work. If there is any coffee left over after that I may have a ½ cup in the early afternoon. So, it is very important to us to have a great tasting cup of java. Currently, my quest to get that rich cup of coffee that meets all of our needs is still in progress and I will let you know when the dilemma is solved.

As for grocery shopping, I did have to make my first ‘big’ trip to the grocery store. Except, I am no longer buying at one store but at least 3! Ironically, I decided that we had to go to the store on New Year’s Eve day. Our family just could not wait any longer for fresh food. This initial trip is truly what inspired my commitment to give up my past life and leap to the other side. Being that school is on break until January 4th I had no choice but to take all three kids with me. It was either going to be a successful story of teaching and consuming tasty organics for me and my three kids (8, 6, and 3 years) or it was going to be a disastrous lesson in motherhood. In my mind, I pictured all of us making our trips in and out of the stores on my list happily finding all the foods at the right prices in the organic form I had intended. But I have also seen those stressed out moms trying to accomplish endless shopping tasks with the kids being so ornery that it would make any single female seriously consider birth control. I did not want to be one of ‘those’ moms. So, I planned ahead. Fortunately, I had been to many of these stores several times and was pretty familiar with the layout of each store. My plan was to buy only what was needed (on the list). Always a lofty task when you have three kids with you that always ‘see’ something that we have to have, even in a food store. But, if I could stick to ‘my plan’ with three kids at my hip then I could definitely implement this into my lifestyle change. Hey, I could do anything.

The day went very well. At our first store, Whole Foods Market, the kids and I picked out several organic vegetables that we would need for our dinners the next few evenings and for snacks during the day. The store had many tasting stations of the fresh vegetables which made a great time for all of us. We practiced using the tongs to pick up just one item to try and not three or four. My kids needed to understand the concept of tasting and not feasting. This is such a great way for children to try new items and then take a couple home if you find they like them. Next, we found some meats that were needed for a bit of a higher price than I was used to paying for the less organic versions but this was to be expected. I don’t mind spending more money when I know that “we are what we eat.” I learned about several brands of sulfite free wine and picked up a bottle to try. The kids and I really had a nice time in this first store, exploring and learning. We found the people to be very helpful, especially with three kids next to me. We even took some time to stop at the café on the way out and have a tasty snack before trekking on to our next store. The kids had vegan chocolate chip cookies and I had a scone made out of soy flour and turbinado sugar. Yum! We enjoyed every bite and I actually felt good about my kids eating a chocolate chip cookie!

It was on to our next store; we were off to Trader Joe’s. I love this store. I can really get some great deals on items that meet up to my stringent specifications. Again, we stuck to our list. Trader Joe’s had a few items we could taste, which made it interesting for the kids and they could even ‘search’ for the ‘lamb’. I don’t know if your local Trader Joe’s does this or not but if the kids find the hidden stuffed animal lamb in the store they get a prize (usually an organic fruit leather) and then they get to hide the lamb somewhere in the store for the next child searching. This is a great idea. We made it in and out of the store successfully with only the items on my list, some happy kids, and one happy mom.

Lastly, we were on our way to our last stop, the local grocery store…Kroger’s in our area. This is a regular supermarket that does devote a couple of areas to organics. The list that I had for this store was the smallest so I felt confident that we could get in and out pretty quickly even though my kids were getting tired of shopping. What I also find at these stores is that they put organics on pretty heavily discounted prices after awhile because they do not have as many shoppers like me come through their store. Sometimes I can find severely discounted items. I always check, and stock up when this happens. Today, there were few items to be on sale so I did just stick to my list and we were in and out. Overall, I know all three Kroger’s within a 15 mile radius of my home pretty well and I know which stores severely discounts organics often and which do not. So, it makes shopping pretty effortless.

On my way out of the store, we ran into a friend who had a car load of plastic grocery bags and Kroger store food. I glanced at the back of my car and saw reusable bags filled with fresh food that came from responsible green sources. I was proud. I felt like a mother holding her new born baby and ready to show off her sprout to the world. I felt great about all my choices of the day. What I also noticed when I returned home to empty my bags was that my refrigerator was stocked and I needed less room in my pantry than in the past. Actually, I had been noticing this more and more the past year. When you do not buy processed foods most of your groceries need to be stored in the refrigerator in order to keep longer. These days my pantry mostly holds dried beans, rice, pasta, fruit leathers, and unopened jars and containers of items that must be refrigerated after opening them. And finally, when I looked at my grocery bill, I found that I had spent almost as much money at the other two stores then at the place where I had purchased the least amount of items, Kroger’s. Was it the particular items I was looking for that were more expensive or was it that I had been fooled in thinking all along that it was much more expensive to buy ‘green’? Certainly, I knew that buying ‘green’ is usually higher priced but you go in knowing that you get what you pay for. But when I looked at my bills, I really felt that I had received exactly what I needed and expected from all three stores when deciding to be green.

All in all, the past three days has been an adventure in consciousness. I am proud to have a refrigerator and closet full of ‘good’ food and I look forward to more discoveries in the future. I know it is coming. I know there are many opportunities to come that will provide me with moments to make choices to live consciously. I will still be seeking out the perfect coffee and other products to satisfy my family’s needs. I am proud to note that my husband came home from the bulk convenience store without his peanut butter brand and willing to give my new natural peanut butter brands another try. I am so proud. Finally I have also found a great new website filled with articles and suggestions that help out a ‘Green’ Mom of Light. Hip Moms Go Green is a new site that can be found at www.hipmomsgogreen.com. It is a place filled with practical, inventive, and fun ideas for living the life of a green mom. If you’re interested, check it out. It is worth a look.

Lastly, the adventure continues. Check back for more!

Jen's Blog - First Challenge (Part 1)

2009-12-31T22:29:00.001-05:00

Here we go. It’s 9:30pm on New Year’s Eve. My kids were determined to stay up until midnight to watch the ball drop, until one by one they began dropping like flies and asking to go to bed. They were exhausted from the day. I have to admit that I was surprised by their eagerness to sleep. They had been talking about ‘staying up’ for the past couple of days. But Mother Nature took over and they could not keep their eyes open. My husband and I even tried to watch a movie together but being the early to bed early to rise person that I am, I decided to head up to bed and get in some last minute typing before the end of the year. So, here I sit contemplating my commitment that I made in my previous blog. If you don’t recall or you have not had the chance to read it; I made a New Year resolution to give up 26 things or habits in my life throughout the coming year. The idea is that I would take two weeks to test out either ‘giving up’ or ‘changing an old habit’ such as cell phone use, alcohol, coffee, etc. Then I would integrate this new lifestyle change into my life for the rest of the year. Deciding to change something or give something up every two weeks for a year ends up being a total of 26 changes. My inspiration came from the idea of living the life of a Mom of Light. I had done some major inner reworking of my emotional life throughout the year of 2009. Now I feel the push to continue to express these inner changes on the outside into the physical. Since, life on my insides has gone through a major upgrade this past year it only makes sense that I continue to have my outer world reflect what I am feeling on the inside.

Here I sit ready to announce to you my first 2 week resolution…Drum roll… For the first two weeks of the year 2010 I will be completely transforming the way my family shops for household products and food. We will consciously answer the following questions before we buy an item. Do we know where this product is coming from and does it match up with our beliefs? Meaning, does that new rug that I want so badly at Target come from a place that honors human existence? Is it made of elements that are non toxic and earth friendly? Are the people that make the rugs treated fair and just? For short, what is the ‘story’ behind that rug that I want so badly? In order for it to enter into my home I need to consciously know that it has been made honoring the people that made it and our environment. Not only people, but animals too. Are the animals treated humanely? Are they given the best life possible before they give their life to be food on my plate? I will ask these questions before purchasing all food and household items. I feel ready for this new challenge. Like an athlete, I have been training this past year learning about many of the concepts that I previously speak about but have never put it all together to perform in the big leagues. I have dabbled in the ideas of non toxic, earth friendly, fair trade, organic, and free range but have never made a commitment to live my life completely on the other side. But the more I speak of how we are all connected and that my web of life is intertwined with yours the more I realize that everything we have, do, and consume effects us on many different levels. It is the ‘circle of life’, so to speak. What the pig eats, I eat. The energy that is used to raise that chicken is the same energy that I am a part of. The elements that make up that rug that I want will enter our home and be in our environment touching our lives (on many levels) forever. If I want to live a life free of fear, sickness, anger, and darkness then the items that fill our lives must come from a place of the higher energies of conscious living such as love, peace, honor, and light. I am that which surrounds me and that which surrounds me is me. For these next two weeks I will fully embrace the desire to become a conscious consumer. In the end aren’t we all supposed to “Treat others the way you would want to be treated?” So, this is my initial attempt to follow the path of a Mom of Light. Let’s see how I do.
And Happy New Year (2 hours early)!

Jen's Blog - Changing for the better

2009-12-26T02:57:00.004-05:00

It’s 1 am on December 26th 2009 and I’m up in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep. Besides my daughter not feeling well and sleeping next to me in bed I find myself just not being able to sleep at all. Could it be too much wine, too much to eat, or the possibility that my body just feels unbalanced in so many different ways. The holidays have a way of throwing us all off balance that it is inevitable we all wake up on 01/01/10 with New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, exercise more, and just in general be conscious about our every day existence. Right now, in this moment I feel exactly that way. I feel like such an overstuffed turkey that I am ready to begin my resolutions early. I feel that this journey has been thrusted upon me due to so many different factors. Call it perfect timing in my world but if I don’t change my habits I am going to die young of moderate exposure to all the toxins in life and just become another statistic in this age of discoveries of what is good for you and what is bad.

It all began many, many weeks ago when I wrote my latest blog about the new relationships that were emerging in my life due to the personality changes that were happening within me. A new, more empowered Jen was emerging and she is in there fighting for her life, literally, to come out. It’s part of why I am up this morning at 1 am talking and writing to you. It’s this ‘Mom of Light’ thing that I have been working on and festering for so many years. Consciously, these past several weeks I have finally realized the true meaning of what it is to be a ‘Mom of Light’ and live this path of LIGHT. It is a path that is not often walked and it is a path of conscious living that does not follow the typical journey of our fellow WOman. A Mom of Light does not shop at some of my once TOP 5 stores. There is no more Target to get the latest trends in household and fashion designs for cheap. No more local grocery store treks to get all your shopping needs done for the weeks groceries. No more bargains at the local department stores where you can get really good deals because they buy in bulk and sell it to you severely discounted. No more trips to the drug store for the antibiotic of choice that will get us through the next round of sickness running through my family. No more loading up on vitamin store vitamins that are supposed to keep you healthy and supply all the nutrients you need that we don’t get in our regular diets. This is how I used to live my life in the everyday outward bounds of what I typically do. It’s not that there is anything wrong with living this way. Not at all. I just know deep within my soul that there is a more conscious way to live and I am ready to be completely committed to the more conscious way. I have lived life on the border of completely transforming to a completely conscious life; I just have not made the full conscious LEAP to the other side. I have dabbled in alternative vitamins and herbs to keep my family healthy and vaccine free. I have learned some pretty amazing recipes that promise full flavor and nutrition from organic products. And I have made conscious decisions to only buy products where I know exactly how the product was made and with what type of materials. But now I feel the urge to be completely and totally committed to this new way of living. There is much more that I have only begun to discover. If it weren’t for the constant up and down symptoms I face daily that keep urging me to live life more fully I would probably go on ignoring my existence and living life ½ present. For example, my body speaks to me daily through constant belly aches from eating foods that I know I must have allergies to but have not taken the time to free myself from the horrors and havoc it is creating in my body’s echo system. Then there is the nightly glass of wine that I thoroughly enjoy drinking with dinner that sometimes turns into two glasses. It is the after effects it creates of sleeplessness and night sweats that makes others want to avoid me like the plague the next day when I do not get my beauty rest from the night before! Then there is the roller coaster ride of working out and not working out to take care of my body that keeps becoming harder and harder to maintain as I get older and older. Lastly, but not least, there is the fact that I am stricken with up and down mood swings at least 1-2 weeks out of every month which can add up to a maximum of 26 out of 52 weeks a year of bitchiness! Needless to say…this is not how I want to live my life where ½ a year, every year, I don’t even want to be around myself. Not to mention the bloating, irregularity, dry itchy skin, and graying dulling hair that I have recently noticed the past year. So, what brings this all on? Call it determination, realization, and deep contemplation about the meaning of life. I don’t know. The fact is that as I get older I notice my susceptibility to more and more problems that I never even dreamed of having. It’s like my body is a slow ticking time bomb and I need to figure out if I am to cut the red chord or the green chord, cause if I don’t she is goanna blow!

No doubt, somewhere, deep within me there is this burning candle of belief that knows age really does not define us. Somehow we get caught up in what society tells us we should be doing and what our parents always did that we tend to ignore the subtle inclinations in our heart that speak to us every day and tell us exactly how we should be living and not what the media says we should be doing. It only becomes ever more important to me when I look in the mirror at my sagging physique and droopy skin under my eyes that I must do something. So many people around me just want to accept that this is just a part of getting older and that there is nothing you can do about it. They may be right, to a degree, but I’d rather prove myself wrong in trying then not trying at all. I just can’t accept that the way I feel is just a part of getting older and all our stuff just not working as well as it used to. Somewhere inside me I believe that if I was living the life I have always dreamed of living then I would just naturally feel younger, more vibrant, and healthy. If I was truly living my passion then I would feel great! Inside me, I consciously believe if I am truly a ‘Mom of Light’ and what I believe her to be then I must LIVE like a ‘Mom of Light’ in every moment of my life. I have to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. I have already done much shedding of my past and now it is time to be present and enlightened in the moments I am in every day. The only way I can do this is if I thoroughly look at and reconfigure every action I take every moment of every day.

Hmmm… that is a mouthful! That is a huge challenge! To begin with, I am going to take a monster leap forward and decide that I will take 2 weeks to either give up something in my life or change a habit that is not working any longer. For instance, I could give up alcohol, TV, talking on the cell phone, or sugar. Or I could change a habit that I feel is affecting my life and or my children’s life. For example, talking on the cell phone in my car could be changed to only talking when I can give all my attention to the person on the other line; like at home or parked in the car when I am waiting for my kids to get off the bus. Or I might find that I seem to be unusually pessimistic (certain weeks of my life) and I sense the need to put a positive spin on everything I think about. So, I may find that I need to be exuberantly positive for two weeks instead of immediately jumping to conclusions or allowing judgment to plague my thoughts. The matter of fact is that I am going to take every 2 weeks to change my life for the better and then embrace that new habit or change into my life for the rest of the year! That adds up to a total of 26 new changes this coming year. Whoa! I know! I know! That is a huge Tall Order! But hey, if I am going to be the light I must live in the light! So, here goes nothing, or might I add everything! And watch as I change and become that which I am already meant to be. No worries though…I know it is not going to be easy and I am not delusional (It is only 2:30 in the morning). I just know that if I don’t start changing, drastically, now, then something will either force me to do it later (like sickness or depression) or I will die regretting that I never tried. Who knows, if I stick to my plan and all goes well I could lose everything I ever thought I needed in my life and gain so much more than I ever dreamed. So here it goes, and watch as you see me transform.
PS…I will be taking a day or two or three to figure out my first big change. Stay tuned.

Jen's Web (Part 15) New Relationships

2009-12-06T08:20:00.001-05:00

The man I married is a mirror for many parts of me that are resolved and unresolved. There are parts where I can be safely with him knowing that together we are just being who we are. Then there are parts that I see that I have not resolved in myself. These are issues that I have not faced in myself and that I am not yet ready to uncover. When I see these parts in him that emerge that trigger anger in me I head the other direction; fleeing for my life. The old survival instincts come out and I stand up to either defend or retreat. Sometimes I am ready to face the fears and then other times I just want to let it go. Relationships are opportunities to grow and find out who we truly are in ourselves and safely with another being. They never need to be hard or difficult if we can recognize that we come together to raise each other’s vibration not to meet a need that was never met in our ‘growing up’.

After all, we are creators that have the power to manifest our futures in any way we desire. Of course, there is an ultimate creator that sees that the ultimate plan is ultimately carried out. We are all, what I like to call, ‘mini’ creators as well. I created the need for a man such as my husband at the time that we married and now I am letting go of many parts that I asked for. These are the parts that are no longer necessary in my life. There is nothing bad about this, it is only a shift in reality and a lifting of the illusions we created for ourselves. At the time of our marriage I needed someone to save me and take care of me like I had never been taken care of before. This part of me has finally rested and transformed. A new power has emerged and this is part of the shifting that is occurring. The powers are moving and balancing. They are shifting to a more distributed calling that involves seeing each other as divine balanced beings that do not ‘need’ each other but allow each other to thrive and grow. These being support each other along their individual paths and recognize that something that may trigger their insides is really just an opportunity. They are opportunities to look at our individual selves more deeply, process why we are being triggered, and finally integrate our realizations into our own being. A relationship like this is filled with understanding and knowing that when the other person is reacting it is an opportunity to simply witness and allow for a response that will help each other grow consciously together. There is a respect for each other’s path and then a union where we support and celebrate our individual growth together along the way. It is not that I need you or that you need me. What we need is to recognize how individually powerful we are and that our union is to support our growth. We are here to respect all parts of ourselves wherever we may fall in our progressions. We have ideas and we share as divine friends. We have desires and we share our attractions. The opportunity is limitless in what a union of male and female can do together when they recognize that they support one another and allow this to happen.

They are not together out of ‘need’ anymore. These are the old ways of thinking that are quickly moving away. Even if you do not believe that your marriage (or past relationship) was based out of ‘need’ I am going to encourage you to take a long hard look before you decide. I’m sure there was an attraction that brought you together. Desires that you had that the other person met. Seemingly endless joy came to you when you were together and then you could not wait to feel those feelings again when you were apart. My question is, “Shouldn’t two people feel just as good about themselves individually when they are apart as they do when they are together?” I believe there is something inside a being that still needs to be looked at when he/she decides that those needs are only met when someone else enters their life. The line, “You complete me” just is not what it is about. There is nothing that another being can give you that will complete you. You must complete you. You must do the work to be the divine being that you are. To uncover the layers that reside and find the jewel that was hidden over the years. I must be the jewel in the moment. In recognizing that I am everything that I have been looking for I do not go out seeking it from another and then become disappointed when they do not live up to my expectations. Another being can never provide my completeness. This is between me and the universe. Expecting expectations from someone else only leads to disappointment, fear, anger, and anxiety. Let me be clear here…I am not saying that we should all depend on ourselves and live a life of personal independence from each other. No, this is not ‘it’ at all. We all have individual wants and needs that are all based on interacting and coming together with others in order to clearly communicate our needs and then find out if the party can reciprocate what we are looking for with open and genuine communication. What happens in ‘unions’ is that we usually have unresolved, unspoken, unaware emotional issues from our past that we are unknowingly seeking to be resolved through the other person. When the other person does not meet our unaware expectations then we set ourselves up for disappointment unknowingly that we are doing this. Then we wonder why we are so unhappy and wonder why we are with this person? At the time we came together we unconsciously thought that the other person could meet our needs. When if we had two balanced and aware beings come together in union knowing exactly what their purpose is for their union they would have a whole other level of relationship we have yet to be exposed to in every day society.

These people know who they are and have resolved to keep growing and developing their inner truths without codependence. They are together based on no other need but the need to support and help each other grow without attachment. These couples are free of the struggles that we see regularly joked about on TV sitcoms. Simply, they know that disagreements are conscious opportunities for growth. There is no need to argue and dismiss one another because they know that a resolution that satisfies both parties will always arise. This is the new relationship and the limitless possibility that I am moving into in my own life and my own relationship. It is inevitable that with all the releasing of emotional issues, purging of ideas and things that don’t ‘fit’ anymore that my relationships are shifting and moving to a much higher level of love, compassion, passion, and peace. When our inner lights can shine brightly and we are individually and collectively at peace with who we are then our matching partners and relationships will show up to meet us exactly where we are and where we envision our self in the future. Relationships based on conscious awareness are the most incredible, most powerful, most illuminating and loving of all.

Jen's Web (Part 14) Purging

2009-12-01T06:37:00.003-05:00

I sit here this morning looking back on the last three days since I have been back from Disney. I made a commitment to bring back the same magic I felt in Disney here into my own life at home. I made this commitment because I believe that life is supposed to be filled with wonder and joy. The problem is that we make unconscious choices throughout our lives and then we wonder why we feel that life is difficult or not what we expected it to be. I am speaking merely from my own experience. I use the term we because I internally know there are some that feel the same way I do out there but not all. Most of the time, when I use the term ‘we’, I am referring to my own experiences. As many of you know, I have been wrestling with my ‘Father’ experiences as a child and have come to some form of acceptance and forgiveness over vacation. What I learned when I returned home is that there are still many layers to the “onion of healing” that become more and more apparent as we peel away each piece until we get to the heart of the issue. I have peeled away many layers over the years and just recently peeled away some of the layers that were closest to my heart. What I learned when I returned home from Disney was that before I could completely embrace joy, wonder, and magic in my life, and I mean COMPLETELY EMBRACE, I had to get to the heart of the current issues in my life, the center of the onion. Thus the heart of my ‘Father’ onion had returned.

When I walked into the doors of my home I realized that I did not feel that this was my home. I believe ‘home’ should exude feelings of connection, balance, and centering. It is a place of peace and grace. It is a sanctuary that is only filled with the people and things that are sacred. Everything that enters a home has special meaning and use. Everyone that enters a home should know that they have entered a sacred place that they have been invited to. The items and people that fill a home have special meaning and conscious thought that contribute to the essence of life. Home is respected and valued for its sacredness in our own lives and homes and the lives of every home that we visit. This is what I wanted my home to be like. What I found when I returned to my home was that what I wanted it to be was not what it actually was.

I saw myself surrounded by stuff that did not have meaning to me anymore. It may have had meaning to the Jen that was but it did not have meaning to the Jen that has emerged. Gifts that were given to me over the years filled every shelf not because I loved these things but because they were given to me and I did not know what to do with them. More stuff sat in the corners of the house and inside cupboards that have not been looked at in years. More stuff seeped out of overstuffed drawers because I have kept everything in case we may need it later on or could sell it for something down the road. I felt suffocated, cluttered, and a mess looking at how much stuff I have and how little I actually get from having all this stuff. It occurred to me….why do I have all this stuff? Why is it that I can go on vacation for 1 or 2 weeks and not miss this stuff at all but when I return home the feelings of freedom that vacation brings are always taken away? There is a freedom that comes when we get away from it all and do not have to worry about our stuff anymore. Why have I held onto this stuff? Why did I not purge something every time I received something new like they tell you to do in all those organization books that I read in my fruitless attempts to get organized? I have to say, my home is really not too bad as compared to some other homes that I have seen. And I do regularly purge items no longer used. The point is that I now completely embrace the notion of only holding onto things that have special, and I mean SPECIAL meaning, and those things that we use over and over again. It is not the stuff that fills our home that makes it a home, it is the people that live there and enter our sanctuary. If I am to completely embrace the joy I receive in believing this last statement then I have to start doing something about it. Before vacation I had begun the process of deeper purging but now I was feeling the push to get radical. Actually, I was so consumed with how cluttered and suffocated I felt when I had returned from Disney that I became sick and immobilized for two days. I was forced to sit and observe how much stuff we have that we do not use. Where did all this stuff come from? Why did I do nothing about this all these years? My only answer was unresolved emotions and self acceptance. I did not feel that I could purge what I internally knew we did not need anymore because I still felt emotionally attached to these items and I felt that my husband would have a temper tantrum (father issues again). I just did not want to go there. There are many issues that I had not approached with him due to having my own issues of my father and unconsciously not wanting to feel those unresolved feelings. I was afraid of being told, “No!” Then the little kid inside of me would just throw her arms across her chest in her own temper tantrum and say, “Humph (stomping her foot), I’ll show you, you can’t say no to me!” Getting rid of stuff was/is still one of the issues. Some of this stuff is not my stuff and it is shared by my husband. But I could not take it anymore! You see, my little kid sees him as a pack rat in many ways. Not a bad thing…but he always wants to save things in case we need it later, forgets that we even have the stuff, and goes out and buys it anyway because he can’t find it or forgets that we have it. So, enough is enough! I had it! I couldn’t live like this anymore, I can’t live like this anymore, and it was making me sick! So, I purged! In a frenzy of cleaning, sorting, and emptying; I purged! I started with my family room and boy did it feel good! I packed stuff up and put it in the basement for now until I find a home for all the stuff we don’t use anymore. It was necessary and it continues to be necessary for the health of me and my family. And what happened when Andy got home? Well, at first I felt like the little kid who had done something bad and was waiting for the parent to get home to scold her (father issues again). But I stood in those feelings, embraced them, and lived! Andy did his own huffing and puffing a bit, as I expected. But I think he found it liberating as well. He did some purging himself. He went through some piles of papers I had asked him to go through weeks ago and he began the process of downloading some long awaited family recordings from an old camcorder onto the computer. He sure was not happy with me at first but he did come around in the end.

This whole purging thing is necessary in my life right now. It must be done. I am not the little girl who is afraid of being who she is anymore. I have broken out of my cocoon. The illusion that I was living before continues to be stripped away. If I am going to embrace wonder and magic in my world then I have to have a home where I can feel safe to do and be who I am. We have to have a place of sanctuary that is full of meaning physically and spiritually. My kids will grow up living a conscious life. Creating a sanctuary that harbors conscious living is part of this. As a mother, I feel an incredible responsibility to live my truths so that my children will live theirs. My truth is telling me that I am not these ‘things’ anymore and it is time to let all of this stuff go that does not serve my internal purpose any longer. There are people out there in greater need than I, who have a greater appreciation for the things that I have that do not get used. Letting them go creates freedom and space in my heart. When we let go of that which no longer feeds our soul we raise our vibration and open our hearts for something greater to come along and enter our new being. Thank you.

Note- My immobilizing flu magically disappeared with all the stuff that was weighing me down.

Jen's Web (Part 13) Magic Within

2009-11-27T07:27:00.001-05:00

It has been very enlightening to be at the greatest place on earth where dreams come true and everything is magical. A culmination of healing has surmounted into one large realm of full and total acceptance. An acceptance in many areas of my life and of most certainly an overall peace of mind and body has evolved. I still find myself reacting to minor incidence in life but I rapidly become aware and rest in the notion that they are old recordings playing back in my head which I am choosing to listen to. So, I imagine a way that I can stop the tape, rewind, and record a new song. Like all things creative we are just as creative as the world of make believe. Disney is filled with illumination, magic, wonder, and the feelings of belief. This was the perfect time to come to this magical place when we get to return home in a day and continue the magic with Christmas at bay. This place has helped me to remember that much of what I believe about life is made up in my head. Many of my beliefs have been passed down from generation to generation. These gifts that each member of my family has bestowed upon me have been openly received as a child. It is only now, when I am older, that I can see their worth and the intensity they reigned over my life. In recognizing how my world in the present has been shaped by the past I can develop a perspective based on who I am today and who I would like to continue to become in the future. I love the energy of Disney and the magic it promises. This world takes us back to our true beings as children before adults impacted our visions. It takes us to a time and place where we could look up at the characters, the lights, the shows, and fill our every sense with wonder and imagination. It is a place based on creativity and the notion that anything is possible if you just believe. It is a place where we can openly believe and be accepted for believing. This is the only place where we are asked to put our individual realities behind us and embrace another vision that may or may not line up with our own. And most of us do it.

Walking around the parks day in and day out I am consumed with watching parents and children be ‘wowed’ by what their senses take in. Faces light up, laughter become contagious, and an overall positive feeling about life is embraced. One can’t help but be caught up in the fun of it all. My question to you and to everyone is, “What happens when we go home to our routines of life?” What stops us from bringing home and keeping this fantasmic view of life day in and day out? How would our lives be different if we could keep this child like view of the world in every moment we encounter at home and in our work lives? It is only the energies of creativity and imagination that have been mastered and perfected here at Disney. They have figured a way to take a vision and allow it to grow immensely. They have the support of thousands and millions that see as they see. Why can’t we individually see the wonder of ourselves and express our own creativity? What is stopping us? This is JOY that I am speaking of. It is a feeling of absolute trust that nothing is impossible and everything will always be taken care of. We are like children when we are here and we trust in what the staff and characters have to offer us and we allow ourselves to be taken care of and swept away in all that they have to offer. What is keeping us from believing in ourselves the same way that we can believe in something outside of us? We can do this in our own individual and collective worlds. We can. The problem is that we keep returning to and listening to our old recordings. We hear our mother or father in the background giving us advice on how we should direct our decisions in almost every situation in our lives. We base what we do in our worlds on the perspectives of the outside world and not on what the voice within is trying to tell us. We were all born and made of the same stuff that I like to call joy. The problem is that as children we are taught to believe in the fears of those around us and ‘Walla’ this becomes our life! All we have to do is lead life with an open heart and allow our dreams to unfold. It is that simple. The problem is that these reactions are so ingrained in our cells that we immediately react to situations without thinking or feeling. There is a solution to this. We need to slow down. I mean really slow down. Slow down and stop to smell the roses. If we allow the emotions that we resist to just ‘be’ then we will begin to know that all they are, are just that, emotions. Emotions left over from what we never received as a child. What we have today as adults is an opportunity to take care of and remold that child within each of us. We can slow down, recognize the child, give that child everything he or she always wanted and thus allow our current realities to be transformed into a magical life. We are all children filled with wonder and amusement. We are NEW children that have the wisdom and the peace in knowing that life is a place of joy, wonder and opportunity.

These same feelings are harvested here in Disney that we enjoy so much. It is these same feelings that can be taken and transplanted at home no matter what happens in our lives. We can feel joy in seemingly mundane and ordinary parts of our lives. We can create whatever we like if we so choose. I do believe it is that simple. That life should be lead with no worries and that Disney has pioneered something that everyone should embrace. If I believe in the same fundamental beliefs as Disney then magic will truly embrace my life and everyday will be like a new adventure. Today, I spend my last day at Disney grateful for the lessons I have learned and fully embracing each moment of life knowing that the greatest place on earth is right here within me. I have had it all along.

Jen's Web (Part 12)

2009-11-26T07:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a great day. I was a bit nervous about getting back together with my uncle after almost 5 years. It turned out to be a pleasant meeting. He was welcomed openly by my family and he settled in comfortably very quickly. I found that the ‘little girl’ in me who based her life on survival skills finally felt comfort with her dad’s return. I say ‘dad’, because he took the role of a father in a most tumultuous time of my life. My children instinctively were calling him grandpa many times throughout the day. I felt the distance between us disappear and a new relationship begin building. This new relationship feels distinctly better and easier. Even my husband commented on what he saw at the end of the day. He remarked, “You two seem different, more relaxed, and fun to be around.” I knew what he was talking about. I felt it too. Our relationship seemed to be emerging into a place of sheer enjoyment. The old feelings of dependence and intense survival had drifted away. New feelings of peace and inspiration had entered. Now, we can just ‘be’ with each other. No more, do I depend on him to ‘save’ me and he does not feel an urgent need to teach me everything he can in a short amount of time. Being together has amplified the experience of letting go of the old survivor and embracing the new peace of our relationship. I can sit with him and listen to his stories because now they are just stories of life. There is no need to learn something that he loves to teach. I am no longer his student of life.

Today, I saw a special bond emerge between Ethan, my oldest son, and my uncle. On long trips where we do a lot of walking, we use an oversized stroller for Ethan. This is to help him keep up with the group due to having to use his arms and legs in order to walk. Likewise, my uncle’s body does not allow him to walk long distances anymore, so he too needs to take it easy and take breaks often. Ethan in the stroller and my uncle with his walking were a perfect match. My uncle enjoyed pushing Ethan around because it gave him something to lean his body on and something to do. He could position himself just right so that when he walked he could put some of his body weight on the stroller handles thus easing the weight of his walking, helping him to go farther and longer. Ethan loved the personal attention. My uncle and Ethan walked everywhere together. My uncle enjoyed the opportunity to tell stories and have personal conversations with Ethan. There was a light that joined these two that I had never seen before between them. Watching them taught me a lot about my son, my uncle, and myself. My uncle had found a new student to teach and I could peacefully observe from the side lines.

As I watched throughout the day I began to remember and reacquaint myself with whom I was and who I am. My uncle loves to tell children creative stories and teach them life through examples. At one point, Ethan and my uncle were sitting off to the side while the rest of us shopped. My uncle pulled out a fountain pen and decided to tell Ethan a long story about the history of pens and writing. By no means was this a boring story and by every means was Ethan fully interested in what he had to say. It reminded me of where I get my love of telling stories on paper and how I used to love to sit where Ethan is and listen to such stories. The creative side was showing and I was proud to be a witness. At another point in the evening my uncle pulled out some gifts he had brought along for the kids. He bought Eleanor a doll, which he had a story of how he found the doll and where it came from. Then he gave the boys individual ukuleles. He had a story for these as well and took the kids through a teaching session of how to use the instruments. The way he teaches is full of patience and quite inspiration. Watching him creatively tell his stories and keep a 3, 6 and 8 year olds full attention was amazing and inspiring.

Overall, I learned more about my uncle and relationships today than ever before. Now that we have put survival behind us we can move forward openly and lovingly into a new relationship. We have spoken of times in the future of getting together and visits that we would like to make with each other. It is a relief to see the light that was inspired in all of us today and a giant leap forward of healing for me. I am thankful that I can finally rest and enjoy a significant person in my life in the present moment. The past is truly now just the past and the present has become the only moment we have together. This is a remarkable feeling to have and another gift added to our lives. Thank you.

Jen's Web (Part 11) Disney Continued

2009-11-25T07:21:00.002-05:00

This morning I woke up ready to dive into my next uncovering of feelings and emotions that have been unresolved for so long. I have already touched upon my dad and my mom and the gifts that they were able to give me during the short time we were together in my childhood. There is another figure, my uncle, who has played a large role in my life. Through him I have had much to learn about life and living. My uncle, my mother’s brother, grew up in New York City in the 1950s. He managed to put himself through college and work his way up to a very respectable and high level position in the New York City United Federation of Teachers. He was a union man and still is today. He was my rock as a child. He gave me a sense of security. In a time of my life when my mother was dying of cancer and my father was unable to take care of his wife, my brother or I, my uncle stepped in and took over the basic securities in life. Food, shelter, and clothing all were provided by him. He knew how to take care of the basics so that I could survive. He used to say to me, “Jennifer, there is one thing we both have in common, we’re both survivors.” This is what brought us together. In a tumultuous time in my life he recognized the need for stability and stepped in to provide as much as he knew how. He made sure that I had enough to eat, a place to sleep, and that I had clothing. At that time in my life I had one year left in high school and no place to live. I could not live with my father who was unfit to handle children. I did have a choice. I could either move to NYC or live with a friend and her family who had graciously asked me, so that I could finish high school. I wanted deeply to stay in Connected (where I grew up) and finish school living at my friends home. My Uncle helped me to put this all together. And even later that year when the plans that had been set did not seem to be working out he helped to come up with a resolution. It seems that whenever I needed ‘emergency’ care in my life my Uncle was there to step in and take over. It was a nice feeling to have a ‘hand’ watching over you. And this is what he could afford to give me.

The other parts of development that a child so desperately needs, feelings of safety, nurturing, understanding, connection, compassionate love were developed as best they could and still lacked the nurturing only a mother knows how to provide. Thus, the compassionate side of me mildly blossomed and survival instincts reigned. With all that had happened and the genes I was given I have finally realized I was given the gift of being a master ‘survivor’ at a very young age. What do you do when you are a survivor? You do what you have to do in order to survive. Your focus is on food, a place to sleep, and in my case getting out of Connecticut and to college where I could escape the world I grew up in. My uncle helped me tremendously to develop my survival instincts and how to make it in a world that could be threatening. And when he felt he had completed his job, like any primal animal that has finished teaching their young, he released me to the world. Thus, the phone calls and the visits began to dwindle. Like any other child who did not have the opportunity to develop her compassionate side, I did not have it in me to reach out and tell him that I did still need him in other ways. That I would have enjoyed being around him more often and had the opportunity to learn more about his life and not just the survival skills. That is what humans do and makes us different from primates. But I have to accept that he could not see this and I could not tell him. We drifted apart and we lost touch for many years. Occasionally we would speak or send cards around the holidays but for the most part our relationship was put on the bleachers. Until recently…

Today, we have an opportunity to reignite an old relationship with new wings. He is driving to Orlando, Florida (2 hours from where he lives) to meet up with my family where we are vacationing for a week. I took a risk several months ago and called him with the intent of asking him to come and visit us while we were down here. At first, like all survivors do, he said no because he didn’t think he could make the drive. As the weeks went by he allowed his feelings to embrace him and he changed his mind with a plan to come and visit. Today we come together with new eyes and a new relationship based on pure compassion. I am no longer the lost child that needed a stern hand in directing my life. I am a woman with her own family that still needs love and nourishment from family. He is the piece of ‘family’ that remains connected to my past and to our past. There are still many gifts that can be received and given between us. As a woman, I am safe to ask him questions that have never been asked and feel feelings with him I never felt allowed to feel. I can open my heart even more in his presence. Our lives are no longer based on survival instincts. It is my hope that through our new relationship that I realize even more the essence of where I came from and how my family, generations of the past, survived. We were masters of survival. In understanding the masters of survival I can embrace their gifts and move on to develop further the skills of compassion, nurture, and love in my own life with my own children. And the survival part? I can let that rest. I don’t have to survive anymore. I can let go of the rope I had been holding onto for so long and trust that when I fall my wings will spread and safely allow me to gently land or take off and fly, if I so choose. I was given the gift of survival because this is what my uncle was great at. He was this master, I do not need to master this in my life…it has already been done. I am allowed to let my creative energy flow so that I can develop parts of this generation that were unable to be developed. Like the creative ear for music that my mother had, the artistic painter and pianist of my uncle. It is my turn to let this go and develop the passion within so that I can pass on the importance of following passion in your life and trusting that all will be provided for. This is my gift that I will pass onto my children. All will be provided for if we trust, follow our hearts desire, and let go. This world is a safe place and we can do anything we dream. A survivor does not ‘think’ this way. My role is to finally break this cycle of generations of survivors. To say thank you for their gift and allow the peace of knowing to filter down to the generations to come. It is time to thrive on passions of the heart and allow life to be joyful. Life is no longer about surviving it is about bringing in joy. I thank my uncle and my mom and the generations of this family that have given me this enlightening gift. To live is to be joy and let passion reign over our eternal being of who we are. Thank you.

Jen's Web (Part 10) Disney

2009-11-24T08:10:00.002-05:00

We are on vacation in Disney World this week... Here is a series of events and blogs for the week...

Here we are on vacation to Disney World when I learn that I still have much to learn. Coming down here I thought I had a pretty good grasp on my life and the healing that I just completed with my mom. But now I realize that much needs to be healed with my dad. You see, my dad was a very good man. He was a wonderful person deep inside. Somewhere along the way of life he was beaten down and began to believe that he was not worthy. I resonate with much of his energy because he is my dad. I am his little girl. The safety and peace I was supposed to get being ‘daddy’s girl’ did not occur in my life but I can relate to and understand why he became the good man that he was and the ferocious alcoholic beast at times. In his 40s raising two kids he was truly just a kid himself with unresolved issues that took over his being and compromised his ability to be a father figure in his children’s lives. I do not know much about my father’s side of the family. I never met my dad’s dad (grandpa). He was not alive when I was a child. I do know that I ‘heard’ stories about him. These stories were not told directly to me. They were the kind of stories you’re not supposed to hear as a child. When the adults are secretly whispering about past events a child can over hear plenty. From what I heard, he was a drinker. I am not sure of the cause of his death but he did not measure up to a very supportive father to his son (my dad).

My grandmother was still alive when I was younger and she was not exactly the most peaceful soul either. I can imagine they must have made a pretty scary team for a child. She was a large woman who wore housecoats all day long and would only venture outside once a day to get the mail out of the mailbox. There was a lot of fear instilled in her and I’m not sure where that all came from but I imagine that it was passed down from generation to generation. So, as you can imagine, my dad did not have much of a chance to grow up into a responsible, supportive, peaceful, and loving being. He knew fear. That is what he was used to. That energy was familiar to him, comfortable, and that is what he had become by the time I was 5 years old. Being a responsible father that made money, took care of a household, and raising two kids was too much for him. It was a grand task that had too many links to his past and too many opportunities to venture into old unexplored and unresolved issues of his own childhood. Thus he took out his unexpressed anger and stress on alcohol. It was his escape from the illusion of his reality. My dad believed that life had to be difficult because that is all he saw as a child. Alcohol was the only way he knew out. Again, this is all he knew because this is all he was taught. This is what my grandmother and grandfather had shown him. They enjoyed their drinks but then at the end of the day the depression set in; arguments and fist fights were the inevitable. My dad knew nothing else but to unconsciously repeat the same mistakes with his own family. Unfortunately, my mom could not recognize this pattern herself because she grew up with the yelling and fighting in her own house without the alcohol, just another form of abuse. My mom put up with the abuse and they went round and round in the endless circle of their lives. Until, sickness (cancer) became the only way out of her illusion and death the only way to end the pain and misfortune in her life. Thus, ending it all for all of us.

When my dad was not drinking he was actually a good man. He would do some of the things that fathers do…he would pick me up from school occasionally, tell me stories about his dreams, and love me in the best way he knew how. Love from him came in the form of a gentle look, a calm voice, and a ‘knowing’ that he would never physically hurt me. Ironically, I was the only one in the family my father would never hit. There would be nights when my dad would come home intoxicated at the end of the day, begin arguing with my mom, and suddenly it would turn into a raging fight. My brother, five years older than me, would come to my mom’s rescue only to be pummeled by my dad as well. I would even try to get in the mix, thinking I could save them all. I was the super hero with super powers that could stop the whole thing if I tried hard enough; and so I thought. I would climb on my dad’s back and pull on his arms and fists to stop him from hitting my mom or brother. I would even throw myself on top of the victim. Of course, he would either pick me up and throw me aside or push me away to get the ‘annoying kid’ out of his way. Occasionally he would stop when I intervened. Most of the time I was yelled at and told to go back to my room so that they could continue on their own and eventually stop or I would have to call 911 in order to get the police to come over and stop the craziness. So, I guess I really was a super hero with super powers, in a way. With super powers come feelings of super responsibility. It takes a high amount of sensitivity to be so tuned into whether or not I could stop a fight. I was so tuned in that I used to call my mom at work and warn her whenever my dad would come home drunk so that she would stay away and not come home. I knew my dad would not hurt me so it was safer if I took the responsibility to save everyone. It was just easier that way. (Few….that was a huge load off my back to express all of that)

Overall, my dad had the best intentions and just could not get it together. He did not believe in himself enough to believe that he could do it. That he could kick the alcohol habit and become the strong, peaceful, graceful being he is. Fear was his illusioned life. (As I sit here writing I can feel the presence of his fearful energy within me and I know that this energy is still within the cells of my being) My intent in writing down and sharing these experiences is to fully share and release these energies for good and forever. I am a part of my dad. If I can heal myself then a part of him and a part of all of us is healed. You see, I love this part of my dad that made all those mistakes. In him making all those mistakes he had much to teach me and my family. Living in fear does not work. It only creates more fear for us all; and what good does that do? It does not make for a joyous and loving life. It only takes us deeper into the bowels and trenches of life. If I can look at it as an opportunity to heal then I have much to gain. My dad believed in fear and anger and that was the energy of his life. He did not know how to get out of the trenches. Even with all of his attempts to do good he still fell back to what he was used to and what was familiar. This only teaches me to continue to go forward and trust that if I believe in the energies of love, peace, and grace that that is exactly what I will be given. Even in times where things do not seem to be going well, I do not need to go back to the familiar fear like my dad. I can instead sit with that fear that harbors and is left over from my child hood, nurture it and tell it that she is going to be ok and that those feelings are just fine. I can allow her to rest in knowing that those feelings will pass. I don’t need to cover them up with anything that I think will make it all feel better. I don’t need to avoid those feelings or run from my deepest fears. I can just be with them and know that in being with them they have no power over me and I never need to go back and stay in the place that I grew up or the events of my past. Ultimately, that is all it all is; just my past. What happens in my life today are new opportunities for growth, learning, and peace. They are opportunities to move forward and live a life of joy. In seeing the gifts of my dad and his struggles in life I know that I do not have to repeat those behaviors. There is another way. There is another door to open and walk through and I can create the kind of reality that fits me; love.

I thank my father for giving me the gift of knowledge and for teaching me how to navigate my life in peace. Through all the chaos there was still light. And that light can shine now that she knows who she was and is today. Thanks dad, I love you.

More to come...

Jen's Web (Part 9)

2009-11-19T07:13:00.001-05:00

I sit here this morning in deep contemplation over life and living. When I began this blog many years ago I had the intention of bringing women together to connect and express their true being, their true divinity, & their true godliness. Then my writings were shaped and transferred into issues that concerned my son, Ethan. And now I feel a momentous return to who I am and expressing my true being on the forefront.

I woke up this morning with a sudden need and desire to do just what I am feeling. It has been tossing and turning within me for many years and I feel that I finally have the capacity to express what has been stirring and shifting within my soul for so long. It is the idea that we are all divine beings with the capacity to create our own Heavens on Earth. As a mom in the suburbs I am often caught up in the illusions of my everyday life. The morning routine of getting the kids ready and off to school, going on with the everyday tasks, and then returning together in the evening for activities and dinner. As a society we are bombarded with recommendations on how to handle all of what we take on in our new fast paced world of electronics, busy schedules, and endless activities. Recently, it has become the fad to purge out what we do not need anymore, reduce, reuse and recycle. I feel that there is something great in this notion on so many levels that is important to take great time and care to listen to.

Reduce, reuse, and recycle. Reduce the clutter in our lives not only externally but internally. Reuse and revive our lives. Recycle ourselves into something new and glorious…the lives and beings we were supposed to be from early on…our soul’s original intentions. I can speak from experience. I grew up in a ‘crazy’ family, if you will, filled with fear, anger, and resentment. Alcohol was abundant, cancer rampant, and mental illnesses living furiously. The notion of scarcity and distrust was strong throughout the generations of my family. Thus, I took much of this on and grew up believing that it was completely up to me to make it in life. I could not depend on anyone else, ever. The risk was too great. This followed me wherever I went and my life was shaped around these notions. But, somewhere deep within my heart I just wanted a family that would take care of me so that I could finally get what I never had as a child; peace. On many levels, this is what I thought I had finally found when I met my husband to be and his family. I was flabbergasted that the ‘Leave it to Beaver’ life still existed. (A black and white TV show that epitomized what American society believed was the perfect family life back in the 1950’s) Dad went to work while Mom stayed at home with the children raising the kids and taking care of the household. Sincerely, this type of family is all I thought that I wanted. I did not know it at the time but all I truly really wanted was a life of internal peace. I was still filled with the struggles of distrust and the notion that I had to work and ‘make it’ on my own. It was a duality of wanting to trust but then rejecting it every time trust showed its face.

So, I tried to ‘make it’ and still have the family life. When my son was born with spina bifida I tried for many years to still work outside the home but found that truly my heart was still in the home with family. It has only been recently that I have realized that the reason I had so many illusions about family life verses the working life is because before I could go out into the world and ‘work’ I had to clear out and become who I truly am and always have been. I had to purge the clutter in my internal home from within. My son, Ethan, has helped me to realize this. Through his disability and healing I have come to realize that life was never about healing Ethan or anyone else and it was always about healing Jennifer. As it is today, I am truly and finally comfortable with myself and who I am. In this new found comfort I can accept those that come into my world of existence, including those that do not resonate with my beliefs. Of course, I still have many moments where I become caught up in the illusions of scarcity and fear but the more I practice the reality of no duality the more that peace instantly appears and becomes my existence and the existence of those who surround me.

So, in this moment on this morning I wish for another new beginning for you, for me, and for everyone who reads this blog. I pray for an existence for you that is filled with abundance, grace, peace, love, and ‘knowing’. A ‘knowing’ that there is a Heaven right here on Earth in each of our corners of the world. And to get there, I pray that you purge what you no longer need in your life. I pray that you get rid of the cob webs in your life that are blocking the light from shining within. I pray that you see the essence of who you are and that you take the time to nourish this essence in order to let it vibrate and shine. The Heaven I speak of is the ‘knowing’ of exactly who we are and the ‘being’ that we were always meant to become. It is my hope that through connecting together we can all ‘see’ each other as godly creations that are connected and one. We are here to celebrate and enrich each other in joyous ways. This is a huge step for many of us; and even now I still struggle with this idea in my own life. But if I could just take a moment to open my heart a little wider and a little deeper I would see that the struggles that I fear are from past programming in my childhood and really have nothing to do with who I really am today and who I have always been. If I truly believe in Heaven on Earth, I can release and let go joyfully these notions of past programming and never have to return to the habits of fear and scarcity. I can purge, reboot my program, recycle my soul, and reuse my life.

Today I take one step or maybe two or three steps or a full leap! Further and further into the reality that we have and are everything that we have always wanted to be; peace and pure joy. We are joyous beings no matter, neither what is going on in our lives at this moment nor how ‘bad’ things may seem to be. That is just it…they just seemingly are what you think they are. Let’s not think. Let grace fill you up and ‘know’ the illumination. I may be beginning to sound ‘out there’ and a bit ‘woozy’ but this is truly how I feel. If each one of us took the time to be in the moment in every moment and see each other as godly creations we would slow down enough to truly know that there is nothing ever to fear. Ever! We are all here, first and foremost, just to help each other on so many levels. We need each other and the draw that we feel towards some is because we feel a safe place with them. The distance we feel with others is because of a mirror for ourselves of issues within us that we are being asked to discover, see, and let go. Today, I let go of more fear and more scarcity in order to bring in sheer joy and sheer trust. I am rebooted, refurbished, and recycled. My new model that has emerged is much better than the old. It is red and shiny and ready to live. It is beyond limitation and full of glory. It is who I am. I trust that you will do the same and see how joyful living openly can be. I don’t know many of you but I trust that I already do. Thank you.

Ethan's Web (Part 13)

2009-11-17T06:42:00.001-05:00

I have not done an update for Ethan in awhile so I thought I should try to include as much as possible. School has been going very well for Ethan this year. Taking an extra year in 2nd grade seems to be just what he needed. His confidence has exploded like a garden hose building up with pressure from being twisted or kinked. He is surrounded by friends at school and comes home excited from the great days he is having every day. Academically, he is thriving. The wheels are turning and he is constantly asking questions and curious about so many different facts. Often, we are driving in the car when Ethan comes up with question after question about life and how things work. He is constantly trying to figure the world out. Physically, he is still going to the chiropractor 1-2 times per week depending on the week. He is still wearing head weights and standing on a vibration platform. This may sound kind of odd but the platform sends vibrations throughout his body that help to stimulate and strengthen his muscles. Weird huh? It almost sounds like something from new age science fiction or a hokey pokey thing. But it is working. His strength and balance are improving. He is getting so much better that we have quickly come to a turning point in his therapy. In just about a week he will be getting more weights and he will be standing on increasingly stronger platforms that wiggle and sway while they vibrate. He enjoys the challenge and he says that he feels stronger. He is also feeling more when he goes to the bathroom. He will often tell me that he has ‘to go’ and take care of going to the bathroom on his own. At least twice a week Ethan will tell me that he feels something. We just keep encouraging him and praising him for paying attention. He says that it is hard for him to feel anything during the day when he is busy at school but when he is at home or just finished with doing an enema in the evening times is when he can sense something the most.

Currently, China remains on hold. We are still waiting on Dr. Xiao and when he can perform the procedure. Meanwhile, we have looked into the possibility of stem cells and have this as another possibility if we decide further. The most promising stem cell research and treatments have been done in China. There have been two other children with Spina Bifida that are known to have received stem cells that have seen strengthening and healing in places that were not possible before. I go back and forth with these possibilities in my head very often. I wondered to myself why the Xiao procedure kept being pushed back when it seemed to want to take off in a fury. It seems odd, with all the preparations we made in the beginning which have now just settled down to waiting. Waiting can be kind of difficult at times. All sorts of thoughts run through my head. And I begin to wonder if this actually was the right road to pursue. But I have learned to just quite my brain and trust that it will be worked out in its given and exact moment.

In the mean time we remain steadfast in our journey. With each step we take day by day come new revolutions. Ethan’s journey continues to be a journey for us all. I have been writing on ‘Jen’s Web’ more often due to the revolutions that come to me through watching Ethan and my other children grow and become. Ethan’s journey is what initiated the ideas that run through my head and has helped me to understand that healing comes from within. There is not a day that goes by that I am not fully aware of how far we have come and that this moment is all we have. We continue with our journey and keep watching as Ethan and all our children keep growing and becoming. For now, we are savoring the moments and enjoying how Ethan is blossoming. He is coming fully into his being. He is helpful with others, independent, and purely loving. He is pure acceptance.

We continue to see Ethan as whole and perfect and allow ourselves to be clearly directed daily. China will come when it is time in the most optimal form that is best for Ethan.

Jen's (Part 8) 'Gft 44'

2009-11-11T08:05:00.002-05:00

Gft44

I woke up at 3am to my daughter who needed a hug and some reassurance in the middle of the night before returning back to her bed. Then I lay there, unable to go back to sleep but wanting to go back to sleep so much. Wishing I could, but I kept tossing and turning. Finally, I got up out of frustration over not sleeping and having a spouse who is sound asleep next to you. Part of me wanted to swing my arm over and wallop him for being able to sleep and me being wide awake. This is not the first time this has happened. It has been like a tea kettle that gets hotter and hotter and just ready to explode! It is quite often that I go up to bed first and then later in the night my husband sneaks into bed. Sometimes, in the middle of the night I will wake to a child needing a hug, put back to bed, or a drink of water. When I do get back to bed I find that I can’t fall back to sleep. So, I lay there listening to the sound of his heavy breathing and occasional snoring in sheer frustration over my sleeplessness. So, I finally get up! I come downstairs and get on my laptop computer to sit and do only what I know to do, write. In my half awakened state, I wonder inside my head, over and over again… “What am I going to write about, what am I going to write about, damn I wish I could sleep, this sucks! What am I going to write about? Do I have to write? Can’t I go back to sleep? Damn I wish I could sleep! What am I going to write about, oh this couch feels comfy enough to go to sleep on, but my mind is racing, I have stuff to say, and I can’t sleep! What am I going to write about?!” Then, I finally lean over my computer to turn on the light next to me and as I look back on my screen I find the words ‘Gft44’ on my screen. Wow, I am still writing about ‘Gft44’. More of my Mom stuff! The gift of 44. Now, looking back, I say wow what a gift, to be given something to write about so easily. At the same time, I have to tell you this has still been a tough week with all that I have been shedding about my past and my revelations with my mom. It is good to get this all out of my body and into the open but at the same time I find it tough to open my heart so deeply. As they say sometimes, “Love hurts”. (A song lyric comes to mind singing in my head)

So, I’m wondering, “Gft 44; what is the gift that my mom at age 44 was able to give me?” I already talked about how in the anniversary of her death and the synchronistic healing that my ‘new’ mom had here in Detroit last week I was able to see her life with new eyes and celebrate who my mom was and the vibrant woman she used to be. But I can’t help but think more of what life might have been like for her. What was she like? What did she ‘Gift’ me by leaving at 44 years old? I don’t have allot of beautiful memories of my mom before she became sick with colon cancer; just a few. Most of my memories are of her struggles in her relationship with my father. There always seemed to be a new drama unfolding at our house. It was either an argument about money or alcohol. My mom worked diligently because my dad never had a steady job. She would tirelessly go to work in the morning and come home at night to take care of the home and her children. I always remember having a meal on the table and it always being prepared by my mom. I never remember my mom drinking alcohol. It was only my dad. I remember arguments. There were arguments between my mom and dad about bills, and alcohol. Mainly, because my dad would come home drunk because of his inability to cope with life. My mom would just break down out of sheer frustration and ‘let him have it’ for again being a failure. My dad would either crumble in despair like a scolded puppy dog or he would retaliate with his fists. No talking, just yelling, screaming, and hitting. They had a very bitter/sweet marriage. I have to imagine that when my parents met they were very much in love with each other. My mother used to talk of having many boyfriends. One of which was a Doctor, “We could have had a doctor for a daddy.” She used to tell us in front of MY daddy, just to piss him off and because she was disappointed in him. She said these things because she was so unhappy in her own marriage that she had to at least express what she thought she could have been and the life she could have had. Let’s face it; her current life of abuse was not her dream life. But she chose my dad. Why? Gosh, good question, I guess it was his good looks and gruff kind of charm. He was a very nice man who had a rough love to him. He never actually came over and embraced me or held my hand as a child. I just remember a wrestling kind of dad who just would laugh and push on your shoulder to make a connection. Everything was kind of shrugged off and the close personal hugs, kisses, and snuggles of daddy time were nonexistent. Every once in awhile he would pull you over and tell you how sorry he was for drinking and causing fights the night before and promise never to do it again. Besides the pushes on the shoulder, that was as personal as he would get.

I guess when I look back at my parents and the life they made, I can honestly say it was like living in a household of big kids raising little kids. The big people, who are supposed to be your parents and ‘know it all’ were raising the completely innocent ‘little people’. In many ways, I can relate to this today. Often, as a wife and a parent, I don’t know what the hell I am doing and even if I am doing the right thing in my marriage or with my children. I question my actions quite often out of fear that I might be making the same mistakes they did. When, all I can do, and the best that I can do, is to just live in the moment and live from my heart.

Sometimes, I look at my parents out of disbelief of the life that they led together. I mean really, what more could they do or what more did they know of? Surely, they, themselves, were still kids that grew up in battered homes and lived only the kind of life they had ever known life to be. My uncle, my mother’s brother, would tell me stories (when I was older) of how he lived in a house that was filled with yelling and screaming and abuse at times. That even my grandparents only knew how to communicate in this way. Thankfully, they were not influenced by alcohol and it was only the yelling and battered gene that they passed down to the next generation, (bad joke). I do not know much about my dad’s side of the family. He has never talked about any of the abuse that triggered the fighting and alcoholism gene in him but I know it is there. As a child, there was a time when I lived with my grandmother (my dad’s mother) just downstairs from us in our home. It was a perfect set up in my mother’s eyes. She moved in because of various reasons and being unable to live in NYC by herself anymore and my parents were assured that ‘someone’ would at least be home when their kids came home from school and they were at work. But, she was far from a grandmotherly type of person. Her way of babysitting, was pounding on the roof of her home with a broomstick (just downstairs) to get us to stop fighting or making so much noise. She would yell up to us to “Knock it off, and you kids just wait till your parents get home and I tell them how bad you have been!” Well, that was all my tired mom needed to hear or my intoxic dad needed to know at the end of his day. You can imagine the rest.

Anyway, my parents aimlessly, came together out of sheer passion. They were illusioned to believe they were going to have the American dream. But something never kept my family together. They were destined to fall apart. Plague and heartache was rampant and they did not have the tools to heal their life. So, you may still be wondering, “What was the Gift of 44?” In my mother’s short time she gifted me with the thought of what family could be, and can be about. Even though, her family did not work out to be exactly what she wanted it to be, she had an idea, and she wanted it desperately to work. I know that she tried her hardest and that what she did seemed to fail, and did fail, in the sense of what a family really should be about. If we consider for a moment, “How many of us actually ‘know’ what family is?” What is family? A family, to me, is a connection between people that have common interests and/or ideas about life. Family is what brings people together, closer together to live in a place of love, sharing, and peace. As humans, we have family everywhere. We can connect with each other on multiple ways that brings us all as close to each other as we allow. Through the gift of my family I have learned that I can create family any where I go and whoever I may come in contact with. My closest family is the family that I am creating with my children, but I have so many families as well. I have to admit, I am not very good at this ‘family idea’ all the time. I am trying, just like my mom, to break the cycle of generations of heartache so as not to pass it along to my own children. Quit often, I fail at this idea. I find myself slipping into old patterns, becoming upset about my slip ups, and then having to pick myself up and ‘start all over’ again. It is important though that I continue to take the steps to remember who I am and where many of my thoughts and beliefs came from. Talking about my past and journeying back helps me to see why I react and act the way I do in my own family. I don’t have my parents, so going deeper to remember in hopes of ‘knowing’ who I am and where I come from helps me understand why I instinctively do the things that I do. In knowing this, I am empowered to change and do things differently with my own new family today. My mom did the things she did, because she learned from her family how to do life that way. And why did she stay with a man such as my dad? Because she believed in family and that there could be a happily ever after. Unfortunately, that is not the way it turned out but at least I saw her try as hard as she could and never give up in a man that did not have it in him to heal before it was too late. But that is the way life is sometimes, right? Like the song says, “You never know what you’ve got till it’s gone, they put up a parking lot, oooo, da, da, da, da, oh and don’t always seem to go, you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” So, I guess he never knew and she never knew so now it is my turn to KNOW so that I know now what I’ve got and NOT when it’s gone. Thanks MOM, for Gift 44.

Jen's Web (Part 7) 'Old and New'

2009-11-08T07:12:00.003-05:00

Today is the 21 year anniversary of my mother’s surrender to colon cancer. On November 8, 1998 my mom passed away in a hospital in Greenwich, Connecticut. She spent several years fighting for her life until she could not any longer. Ironically, it has been a week since my mother in law has come to visit us in Michigan from Kansas and has spent the entire week in a hospital. My mother and father in law were coming for 3 days to visit with and enjoy their three grand kids, Ethan, Aiden, and Eleanor, for the Halloween weekend. Unfortunately, my mother in law became ill and had to go to the hospital in order to figure out what was going on. The days became long and drawn out as they spent many hours in an urgent care facility up the street, then had to be transported to a hospital emergency room for approximately 10 hours until they thought they knew what was going on. Finally, we thought the problem was solved, a bowel obstruction, that seemed to release after performing several external procedures. She was sent home and we were all very relieved. But, that same evening, the pain, and nausea returned in such a fury that we had to again order an ambulance to take her back to the hospital. This time we chose a different hospital where we were sure that she would receive better care. Within hours her problem was diagnosed and the doctors and nurses were on their way to resolving the issue. She eventually had to undergo surgery and is currently recovering nicely. She was released yesterday and finally came home to spend the day with her grand children. All in all, a 3 day trip had turned into a 10 day emergency and necessary healing in the hospital.

I am honored to have them here in our presence going through such a complicated recovery. I am honored that I have been given another opportunity to heal old wounds with a mother that is no longer around (I’ll call her the ‘old’ mom) in the presence of a ‘new’ mom (my mother in law). I would not want this to happen anywhere else. My new mom is doing very well and it is a relief to see her happy, smiling, eating, walking, and having fun with life again.

I have to thank her for another reason. You see, without her even knowing she has helped me resolve a childhood issue from long ago. At age 16, I went through the loss of my own mother who was 44 years old. Her name was Eleanor, and she died of colon cancer. Ironically, my new mom had an obstruction in her colon that needed to be surgically removed. Unknowingly, I was reliving my mother’s complications. I became so involved in the illusion of the same scenario that I began to see signs of further complications. At one point, I asked my husband to make sure that he find out all he could about her condition and ask them to not dismiss the idea that she could have colon cancer out of fear that this may be the same scenario. It wasn’t till later that I realized what I was doing.

I finally made the connection one day when I was able to pause, breathe, cry and remember all the feelings and emotions I held in my body for the past 21 years. 21 years since my mother died and now I am finally releasing the last layers of anxiety, self doubt, and regret over the situation. I regretted not being there enough for her, for not tuning into the lovely being that she was, for not consoling her and telling her what a great job I thought she did with me and my brother despite her situation. I regretted not cheering her on more and helping her to see how incredible she was/is. This week it all changed. I was blessed to watch my ‘new’ mom recover from external ‘wounds’ while I healed my internal ‘wounds’ of my relationship with my ‘old’ mom at the same time. I had the opportunity to hold my new mom’s hand, give her a kiss on the cheek, take walks, and tell stories. I was given moments to nurture, to love, and to be loved by another woman who I see as my mom. This, I could not do with my old mom. This, I never got to do with my old mom. I was too young at the time to understand. My old mom was too busy wrapped up in the illusions of her own life to see what she had in front of her eyes with me. She had an alcoholic husband, a failing marriage, and a fight with cancer. Life, in her eyes, was too difficult. Healing, for her, was not an option. Life was not worth living. She was tired and ready to go.

Life changed for me this week when my new mom recovered here in Michigan. The first day after my new mom’s surgery, I was driving to the hospital, when I finally realized the connections to my old mom. For example, my new mom had an infection in the same area that my old mom had 21 years ago. When I pulled into the parking spot of the hospital, I pulled into parking spot 16 (my age when my mother died of colon cancer). The number 44 was appearing to me everywhere, on clocks, books, phones, and including the hospital room number of my new mom (the age of my old mom when she died). When I first walked into the room of my new mom I immediately noticed a screen saver picture, on my father in law’s computer, flash upon the screen of my new mom and me smiling together. Finally, the sights and sounds of the hospital room were distinctly similar and very reminiscent of 21 years ago and the endless days at the hospital that year. I could feel, for my father in law who spent countless hours at her side every day. I know what this is like. Overall, there is one huge difference. My new mom is living and came home. My old mom did not. Now as an adult of 37 years old I can finally move on.

Today, 21 years later, I see how I have finally healed old wounds. Today, I can celebrate my old mom in new ways. Ways that I was unaware that I had in me. Today is no longer about her death. Today is about her life and her living. My old mom, Eleanor, was a beautiful woman. Eleanor loved music and art. She could listen to a tune and play it back by ear on the piano without missing a beat. Eleanor could sew a costume for me for Halloween and make a dress for herself all in the same day. She made all of our curtains in our house and she even painted and decorated a toy chest for me when I was a child. She had an excellent work ethic. She was the executive assistant to the President’s of some very lofty firms in her time. She even started her own company once with two other visionary women. They called it the ‘GEM Group’. My mother, Eleanor, was a gem herself. She had so much vibrancy, love, and peace within her that she could not see for herself. She is helping me today to see that I am just like her in so many ways and that it is just as important for me to recognize my own vibrancy. I have three children who look up to their mom just as I looked up to mine. Today, after 21 years, I finally see my mother’s life as a GEM. I have finally peeled back all the layers of struggle, anger, and fear to reveal the gifts of her life and how much she lived. She was not the colon cancer, battered and beaten wife I have remembered her as for all of these years. She was a woman of confidence, assurance, assertiveness, creativity, peace, love, and firey life. Much like my new mom is today! Today, I celebrate a long awaited peace that has come to my heart and a new joy in living that has been revealed. I have been given a chance to once again ‘Start All Over’ (Tracey Chapman)* and I thank my new mom for showing me how.

*I refer to the song ‘Start All Over’ by Tracey Chapman in previous blogs.

Jen's Web (Part 6)

2009-11-02T07:00:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was our twelve year wedding anniversary. For our anniversary, I was determined to do something special for Andy. He has a long history of doing special things for me, year after year, and I wanted to do something nice for him that would be a BIG surprise. Over the summer, I had bought an old canoe to surprise him. Andy had always wanted a kayak but we just were not prepared to spend the money at the time. So, I found the second best thing, in the meantime, and it was something we could do together. One late August evening I planned for a babysitter to watch the kids and we would go pick up the canoe at a friend’s house where it was being kept. Andy had no idea of my plans. My friend lived just blocks away from an all sports lake, called Lake Orion. Finally, I told Andy what we were doing so he could prepare. Ironically, he had purchased a wrack for his car weeks previously because of an end of the season sale and because he was planning on purchasing a kayak the following year. Of course, I had encouraged him to do this since I needed a way to transport the surprise canoe.

Andy was surprised and very happy. It was a beautiful warm night and the weather was perfect for what we were about to do. Neither one of us had ever canoed before so we were definitely in for an adventure. Somehow, it worked out beautifully. We anchored the canoe to the roof of the car, drove it several blocks to the loading dock, gently placed it in the water, and took off! Of course, we had no idea that we had managed to point the canoe in the wrong direction and spent the entire evening paddling the canoe backwards! But this did not matter. We had pure fun. We paddled and explored the lake that has been sitting next door to us for 4 years. We connected and bonded again like we were back in college doing something crazy. Yep, we considered this a little crazy. When you have three kids and you live in suburbia, paddling on a rocky all sports lake can be one of the craziest things you will ever do, especially when you have never done this before. We got to see all the beautiful beach houses on the lake, the seaweed in the water up close, and the fish that quietly swam enjoying their marine life. We enjoyed conversation, exploration, and rejuvenation. We shared, we laughed, and we spoke of dreams. We revisited the Andy and Jen we married. Another point, when you get mixed up in the daily grind of the world two people who were once close often drift their separate ways. Connection is important in order to keep your family alive and kicking! The canoe connected us deeper and stronger and reminded each other of the love we knew we always had, sitting in front of our eyes. We only spent an hour canoeing around the lake and it was one of the most enjoyable hours of free time together we had in a long time. This little canoe trip ignited a space in our hearts that had been partially extinguished for a long time and it renewed our energy for each other. Since then, we have taken several canoe trips together and even spent time just simply picnicking and exploring new areas in our hometown. The idea has been to just enjoy each other without modern external distractions. Ironically, Andy received fishing gear as a gift and was able to actually purchase a kayak for himself on an incredible deal. He has gone fishing solo and with our children many times. He has enjoyed the peace, tranquility, and vibrancy that kayaking can bring. Overall, Andy has found another passion to develop deeper.

This old yellow canoe inspired us to go places that we never would have gone any time too soon if we had not ventured to get into that lake on that warm summer evening. I mean this in many ways. We needed the canoe to help bring us closer together as a couple and a family. That old canoe inspired creativity and passion in our hearts and simply helped us see beyond our own barriers in life that we had built. Doing something out of the ordinary reopened a space that we had forgotten about and allowed us to see things that were always their between ourselves and within our family. In addition, my friend who helped surprise Andy with the canoe stood on the Lake Orion shore and took a picture with her cell phone. It was one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen on a cell phone! The colors were healing colors that cannot be justified in words. I took the picture and had it made into a 20” X 24” oil painting and framed it for our anniversary gift so that we could forever have an image of the ‘backwards canoe ride’ hanging over our bed in our room. It was an appropriate gift for the renewal I felt and the love that was reignited in our hearts. Now, we will always have a story to tell of the two people that are paddling a backwards canoe.

Jen's Web (Part 5)

2009-11-01T07:11:00.002-05:00

I sit here this evening contemplating the events of my day. Something synchronised happened today in relation to this past week. My husband was out of town and I was on overtime duty with the kids. I was feeling very tired. I have noticed that when I am tired I begin to fall back into old behavior patterns that do not work for me and my new family anymore. I became curt with my children. Situation after situation would arise where they would push the boundaries which would in turn push me to my limit. I kept focusing on my tiredness and my feelings of being a temporary single parent. I didn’t see the opportunities for learning and growth.

For instance, over the weekend we shopped for a new winter coat for my middle child, Aiden. Ethan, my oldest, had played a special role with the shopping. He had taken the time to try on coats and help with sizing since Aiden was at a friend’s house. Unfortunately, this was not a simple task. Ethan was having an ‘off’ week himself, to say the least. He had spent many moments throughout the week complaining more, protesting more, fighting more, and crying more. Clearly, something was up. I could not put my finger on it and was frustrated with the constant emergency work I had to do to put the fires out. But there was life that needed to be living so we went ahead with the daily grinds. I had a rather pessimistic view of my life this week. I really saw the glass as half empty instead of half full. In essence, it was only a matter of moments until I became a part of the illusion, an actor in the play as you will, instead of remaining the observer that objectively sees life. My emotions welled up and the old patterns came rolling back. It was as if someone flipped the ‘on’ switch for the short tempered, yelling mommy, who just wanted her children to go to their rooms and stay there for awhile.

Since my perspective was limited, life would bring me more limitations. One of those days, Ethan explained to me that he really liked Aiden’s coat and that he wouldn’t mind keeping it for himself if it was too big for Aiden. I quickly dismissed this idea. I didn’t even consider the possibility since I felt that I did not even have the energy to think. I had to conserve what I had in order to get through the days, so I thought. There were many moments throughout the week where I had difficulty listening to my children and their great ideas. Of course, when we figured out that the jacket we bought for Aiden was too big I did not consider Ethan’s request and returned the jacket to the store. Ironically, Ethan was with me when we went searching again for another jacket that would fit Aiden, and he again pointed out the jackets he really liked. In addition, I didn’t even notice until later that the price of the original jacket was severely discounted almost to nothing! Since I was not paying attention to the moments of life the opportunities began to slip by.

Several days later, after my revelations that I speak about in my previous blogs (refer back to blogs 3 and 4), I remembered Ethan’s longing for the first original coat. So, like a refreshed and vibrant mom I went back to the store to try and find the jacket. As I was searching, and searching, and searching I heard the words of a song playing in the store’s overhead speakers, ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot, mmm, da, da, da, da… Oh and don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone!’ These simple words were playing over and over and over until I finally realized what I was being told. The jacket was gone for good! I did not realize what I had and what I did not ‘see’ until I did not have it anymore. This was an incredibly significant lesson. No matter who I asked and how many places I looked the jacket was gone. This was more than just a jacket. It was a prime example of what we sometimes miss in our lives when we do not slow down to be in the moment. We limit ourselves when we become caught up on the chaos and think that ‘the stuff’ that is going on around us ‘is life’. I was so consumed with ‘my tiredness’ and ‘my belief’ that I had to do everything that I lost who I truly am. I completely overlooked what was right in front of me and could not ‘see’ the miracles that were trying to unfold. I couldn’t ‘hear’ my children because I couldn’t hear myself. My inner guidance knows that there is an inexhaustible supply of energy, abundance, and love. When I am centered and aware I can tap into that supply and be the mom of light I dream of being. Instead I reverted to old behavior patterns I knew as a child in thinking it was going to be an exhausting week. I made up my mind and I knew I would have a difficult week ahead of me. And that is exactly what happened.

There is another important piece to this lesson. In the moment of hearing those words, ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone,’ I was able to recognize that I had been a part of the illusion. In the middle of that store my awareness hit me like a ton of bricks. It was another ‘Aha!’ moment. My roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs in my life has also been telling me that very same thing. There are times when I am connected and everything falls beautifully into place. Awareness allows me to listen and trust. Then there are times where nothing seems to be easy. When I feel tired and discouraged I know that my awareness ‘switch’ is turned off. Sometimes I am full of light and sometimes I can see only darkness. This time, I was able to listen to that song, remain aware, and know that this was a simple lesson about our limitations when we do not ‘see’. If we begin to live our lives through the eyes of the ‘observer’, we can see difficult circumstances for the illusions that they are and remain open to the answers that will literally come our way on their own. We don’t have to make life happen. Life goes on. We can stand in our knowing and allow beauty to unfold. So, losing a jacket was not about ‘the jacket’, it was about seeing clearly again. The jacket and I played a very important role in helping to see myself caught in an illusion and how life played out exactly as it should when I believed in loss, exhaustion, and fear. Now that I am living my life on the other side, I am thankful of that lesson and I might have to just go back to the store tomorrow and ‘see’; just maybe that jacket may turn up. You never know when we live in a world of abundance and everlasting light. Just a thought, I’ll let you know what happens.

Addendum: I went back to the store the next day and had an extremely helpful customer service representative come up to me as soon as I entered the children’s section of the store. She was very cheerful and eager to get my opinion on a survey she was completing. Her first question was, “Have you been finding everything you need?” Of course, I told her my story and she spent 20-30 minutes searching everywhere in the store to find ‘the jacket’. The jacket did not turn up but I was sent an additional 15-20% coupon on everything already reduced in the store over email that morning. Since the jackets were already ½ off I was able to get even more of a discount on another coat that Ethan had already told me that he also really liked. The customer service representative did not leave my side until she knew I was satisfied. I even had to remind her to finish her survey with me before she left. It was the least I could do after she spent all that time devoted to helping me out.

Jen's Web (Part 4)

2009-10-29T07:02:00.002-04:00

Last night, a very dear friend of mine called me to see what I was doing. My plans for the evening were to get home from Aiden’s ice hockey practice with all three kids, quickly have dinner, and get them off to bed. Andy was out of town on a business trip so I had parent duty the past couple of days. My friend wanted me to go out but when I told her why I could not she graciously suggested that we get together at my house after the kids go to bed. “Of course,” I replied. So she came, we had tea and cookies, and shared our lives for several hours. What a nice time this was. I easily forget how fulfilling a one to one woman friend talk can be. For me, I do not do these things enough. But when I do, I find that I am always allowed to understand life and living a little bit deeper. I find relationships with people so important and I carefully choose the depth to which I will go with each friend that I have. This particular woman meets me on a soul level. She has been through tough times and struggles which she has risen above and flourished abounds. The turmoil in her life has taught her extraordinary lessons and she lives her life exactly as she intuitively believes. I admire her and find her inspirational. When I get together with this friend, I always learn something inviting and revealing about life. Last night I was given a very important lesson.

In my last blog, I spoke about my illuminating experience of realizing that my true calling is to embrace and allow ‘The Artist’ within me to unfold. Part of embracing her and allowing her to flourish is releasing ‘old’ patterns that do not ‘work’ in my life any longer. You see, my family (my childhood family) had a history of yelling, screaming, and abuse. Through my conversation with my friend I realized I was still holding onto my past. I had worked hard to release many of my fears and move on, but there, in that moment it dawned on me that I was still holding on to pieces. Many of the reasons that I become so tired and emotional with many aspects of my life is because I am still living several aspects of my life like I was taught when I was a child. I lived in a house that used yelling as a way to communicate. Understanding conversation and peaceful communication was obsolete. I was unaware of the impact this had on me until later in life when I would have my own children. I spent years recognizing this and releasing the ideas that I had learned so that I would not pass them onto my children. Now, I sat with my friend and realized that I still harbored these fragments and lived by some of these past experiences; STILL! Instantaneously, I thought of a song by Traci Chapman and felt moved to find it and play it for my friend. What I found next was when I pulled out the CD to show my friend a song that was meant for her I found another song that was meant for me, ‘New Beginning’. How appropriate. Since my recent revelations I was continuing down a path of ‘New Beginnings’. The song talks about starting all over. “The world seems broke and it ain’t worth fixing.” But then she goes into words of wisdom that I could not deny were meant for my friend and especially me, that evening. The words are as follows:

The whole world’s broke and it ain’t worth fixing. It’s time to start all over and make a NEW beginning. There’s too much pain too much suffering. Let’s resolve to start all over make a new beginning. Now don’t get me wrong, I love life and living but when you wake up and look around at everything that is going down all wrong you see we need to change it. Now this world with too few happy endings, we can resolve to start all over, make a new beginning. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. The world is broken into fragments and pieces that once were joined together in a UNIFIED WHOLE but now too many stand alone. There’s too much separation. We can resolve to come together in the new beginning. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. We can break the cycle. We can break the CHAIN. We can start all over in the NEW BEGINNING. We can learn, we can teach. We can share the myths, the dream, the prayer, the notion that we can do better. Change our lives and paths. Create a new world and start all over. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over… We need to make new symbols, Make new signs, Make a new language. With these we’ll redefine the world and start all over…

I can truly start all over. I have been given an opportunity to start all over. My friend and I came together for casual, woman to woman time. We learn and we create new beginnings from each other. She gave me the wisdom to see with precision that I was still holding onto some ‘old stuff’ but now I have a ‘new family’ and I do not need to bring those old things into my new life. I can look upon my life as the observer and decide in each part of my day when I am living in the old and just simply create a new. No emotions need to be attached and no old emotional trauma needs to live on. Simply said and simply done. In essence, I am being told to create a ‘New Beginning’ and to ‘Start All Over’. There is too much pain and too much suffering. It first begins with me and then it extends to the world. With simplicity we’ll redefine the world.
It’s important to have friends that will bring you to your truth. It is important to be open and aware. Life always brings you new lessons and new beginnings and furthers you on your path. Today, I resolve to continue to “make new symbols, make new signs, make a new language… to start all over, start all over.” It is never too late.

Jen's Web (Part 3)

2009-10-28T15:00:00.002-04:00

Many weeks have gone by since the last time I was able to sit down and write. I have to be honest with myself and with you. I have been filled with the feelings of fear and anxiety. You see, I can be a very optimistic person and then there are times when the world seems too big to handle. I get tired and darkness temporarily consumes my life. This time, I had been caught up in so many different activities and the endless ‘to do’ list that I was purposely keeping myself ‘busy’ so that I could avoid connecting. What have I been hiding? Frankly, I have been hiding my deepest most hidden truths. You see, when I sit down and write I have nothing to hide. My deepest and most sincere thoughts are quickly revealed. It is my meditation of sorts, a connection with my higher self, with the divine some might say. I had distanced myself from myself because I was afraid of what I might find. I was afraid that this longing inside of me would never be answered. That this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of ups and downs would forever just be my life. I was filled with exhaustion over never knowing why I felt the ups and downs continuously over and over again. These feeling would sometimes subside as I engaged in the activities of life but I would always eventually return to deep emptiness that would hide out in the depths of my being. Many would say that I was missing my connection with God but this was not so. I am a very spiritual person connected with her divinity and the divinity above. Others would say that I was depressed and that depression runs in my family so it was to be expected. They were quick to prescribe medication and send me on my way. Many thought it was my obsession with ‘healing’ my child. Maybe so, but what mother does not want the best for their child and does not want them to have all the riches that the world has to offer? Finally, there were times I did not know what to think. I would be lost in confusion and began to think, “Were all these people correct?” Was I a manically depressed, obsessed mother of a child with a disability, who kept slipping into depression no matter what riches surrounded her life? Was this how I would live the rest of my life? How come there were times when I felt so connected with life and then there were times when I felt so empty inside? How come God did not fill this void when so many make claims of their prayers and emptiness being fulfilled through Her? No person, book, or Being could give me the answers. I had to find this out on my own and in my own time.

So what was this emptiness I felt? In essence, I truly had a longing to know who ‘I Am’. I wanted to feel, to truly know the ‘I AM’ of what makes Jen feel alive? What is Jen’s PASSION! As we all do, I needed to do this. I needed to know. I had to really know. I had to experience life without sharing in order to go deeper and really understand if I truly am on the path I was meant to follow.

Do you ever wonder if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing at any given time in your life? Are you following your passions? Are you exactly where you want to be doing exactly what you want to be doing? This is some of what has been going on within me. How can I share this with anyone, especially when I have a blog and my purpose is to share everything about my life and Ethan’s healing? Wow, how inspirational would that be? These are the questions and this is why I have stayed away. In this time where I have quested my thoughts about life and what I am truly meant to do I had some great revelations.

I paid attention to the signs of life, connected, read, took a couple of small, quick personality tests (that just happened to fall into my lap) and remained aware. What I found is something that I already knew but could never ‘see’ for myself. Part of my being is being an artist. I have a strong desire to be creative. “I came out of the womb with a paintbrush in my hand”, one of the assessments said (From Oprah’s November 2009 Magazine). This hit me like a slap in the face. This never dawned on me before in my entire life! I thrive on creativity outlets. Once I knew this it all started to make sense. This is why I love to write. This is why I feel so much more alive when I finish a piece of writing and post it on a blog site. When I go for days or weeks without writing I feel hum drum, icky, and static. When I can express myself I feel truly alive, connected, and flowing. Then the connections of my life became clear. I thought back to my childhood. I remembered spending hours in my room creating. I would either be drawing, coloring, dancing, or acting. I could get lost in my imaginary world for hours. I did not have many friends, and this was fine with me. I was happier connecting with my pencil and paper, my dance floor, or my stuffed animals.

As I got older, my passions were still strong but my abilities to express myself began to lessen. My parents were busy with their own problems and did not notice or foster my gifts. In high school, all I wanted to do was act. I went to my adviser to convince her that I did not need geometry or calculus because I would never use this in my life. I wanted to take double acting classes instead. Somehow, by grace, it worked. I never took those math classes and ended up taking double blocks of the same acting course. This was unheard of at the time. Partly, I think the advisor had pity on me and my family situation at the time and partly because I was determined to be right. This was a time in my life when my mother was dying of cancer, my dad was unable to take care of me due to his alcoholism, my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I lived with another family. Amazingly, out of all the chaos in my life I was able to hone in on something that made me feel alive. That was the year I took double acting courses and the year that I finally loved life for the first time. Up until then, my life was filled with hospital visits to see my mother, and the feelings of being an orphan.

I remember my first time performing on stage. I was nervous but excited. I felt so connected and so alive. It was a place to go to where I could be someone else and escape my life. I could be anything I wanted to be up there on that stage. And I was able to connect. I had an Uncle, who lived in New York City, at the time. I went to a high school in Greenwich, Connecticut. It was an easy ride into the suburbs from the city. He came to see one of my short monologues I was performing for one of my classes. I’ll never forget his words after the play, “Excellent, Jennifer. That was very, very good.” Getting his approval was like winning over the Supreme Court justice. I had finally found something I was good at! This was a huge win for me. I had balance in one area of my life when the rest of my life seemed like it was falling apart.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, high school came to an end and college began. The intuitive knowing that ‘being an artist’ got lost in choosing a career. It never occurred to me that I could make a living out of being an artist or that I could actually major in art. So, I spent 7 years of school studying Exercise Physiology and Occupational Therapy. I spent another 8 years working, raising my kids, and wondering why my life seemed to be so unsatisfying. Until, today. When I found out that for 15 years, I had missed the boat. I had lead my life completely unaware of why there was a harboring feeling of deep and profound emptiness within my cells for so long. Why, no matter what I did, I never felt satisfied. This insatiable hunger that would go on and on and rest at no end. No matter what I did to quiet this hunger, the hunger always returned. I would go from one fix to the next wondering, is this it? Is this it? Is this what I loved to do? Is this my passion?

Until now. Now I can make all the connections to my childhood and to my current life. I can see it so clearly. Even my closest friends have their roots in the arts. They are grounded in music, poetry, painting, and pottery. Every single one has a passion for the arts. This is why I feel so connected to these people and why I choose my close friends very wisely. This is also why I have such a hard time with school. My mind would float and scatter and studying was a grueling task. I would rather dream than study. This has also helped me to feel closer to the family I was born in to. My mother had an ear for music and an eye for color. Although, she was never able to develop her talents she could pick up a tune and play it on the piano instantaneously. My Uncle, my mother’s brother, is an artist. He plays his grand piano in his home, he paints, loves to decorate, and is an incredible chef. He is constantly creating. My Grandfather, a plumber, had a well respected business in NYC. He built two homes from the ground up and put love and creativity into every brick and mortar he layered. These homes are still standing today and one of the finest in the areas. Unfortunately, I do not know much about my father and his family. I have a feeling that I will find out one day soon. I do have two sons, Ethan and Aiden who have my mother’s ‘ear’ for music. Ethan can listen to a piece of music and pick out all the different parts and keenly hear each instrument. Aiden can listen to a piece of piano music and play it back instantaneously, just like my mom. My daughter loves to act out scenes with her dolls, and dance and sing endlessly, just like me. When I see her dance and sing I remember sunny days when I would sit in the driveway and sing out loud the theme from ‘Annie’ or the song ‘Over the Rainbow’ to ANYONE who would listen.

I feel like I have finally found a piece of myself that had been lost for almost two decades. I am an artist. I love to create. Whether, it is cleaning my home to reveal its brightness, painting the walls to bring in fresh colors, or expressing my feelings on a notebook. I love to create! It feels immensely good to say that. Let me say it again, I love to create! I am an artist! I have a paintbrush to express my life and direct my passions in any way I choose. This artist can bring love and light into her home and she can finally accept who she is. This is huge for me. I have made stronger connections in my web of life and with these stronger connections I can birth a new me that is intimately connected to who I am. Just think of the possibilities when you were born with ‘a paintbrush in your hand’!

Stay Tuned for More Writings on Jen’s Journey to becoming who she is, I AM!

Jen's Web (Part 2)

2009-10-10T14:57:00.003-04:00

I said I would expand on Jen’s Web…so here I am stretching and expanding. This weekend…I took a road trip to State College, PA. I went to Penn State University for my undergraduate degree many years ago. Some college friends, associated with my sorority, were planning a get together. I went back and forth and back and forth on whether or not I should go to this event. The expectations were for us all to meet up Friday evening, at a local hang out, as everyone gets into town. The next day would be filled with tailgating before and after the Penn State Football game followed by more socializing wherever we all would end up. Lastly, Sunday would be a day of reminiscing our sorority life at a brunch and reception with the local active chapter. For me, I was unsure if this was at all what I wanted to do. But I decided to come anyway. I am glad I did. Catching up with old friends on Friday evening was simply fun. It was nice to see old friends and catch up on years past. Most of these women have careers and families and are juggling the lives of managing their numerous roles. They are happy to get away for some moments of freedom from their busy schedules and to once again relive our college moments and memories. I too felt a sense of relief when I finally caught up with my sorority sisters and found out that we all share many of the same struggles and delights in our separate corners of the world. We have reconnected happily reminisced as well as shared our new lives. We have all grown into incredible women.

I am thankful, for deciding to come. I am especially thankful for the freedom from mother hood responsibilities. (My husband is watching all three kids this weekend!) I have the ability to go and do whatever I like at anytime during the day and the ability to ‘NOT’ have to answer to anyone. Few…I forgot what this kind of freedom was. It is good to be reminded of what this feels like. It is so simply easy to forget. This independence has reminded me of the ‘I can do anything’ & ‘nothing is impossible’ attitude I freely expressed many years ago. I am still that same person I once was, just a little more mature, a lot more vibrant, and way more knowledgeable about life and living. Yes, I still know that ‘nothing is impossible’ but it is a different form of energy then what it once was. Then it was an energy that was sometimes misguided. It often became frustrated and easily distracted or unbalanced. Now it has grown into a constant balance of comforted energy that knows ‘nothing is impossible’. Then, I was challenged to stretch and grow into believing that anything can be done. Now, I have firm roots supporting all my beliefs that sometimes sway and shift with the winds but overall stay firmly where they are. Then, I had significant people come in and out of my life that helped me to become the woman I am today. Now, that I am the woman I have always dreamed of becoming, I still grow, learn, and change but the simplicities in life are what give me the most pleasure instead of the dramas and the challenges that always brought me to my climactic views. Now, I stand firmly in my shoes of a woman. My roar is of a Lioness who loves and protects her family and lives life to the fullest in sync with the natural flow of life. Going back to experience ‘who I once was’ helps me to see all the riches and incredible unfolding of my life that has brought me to where I am today. And those wonderful sorority sisters, that I am so proud of, helped me immensely along the way. We reconnect now and still help each other to go forward in life. They are all women of my web, the web of Jen, which keeps unfolding and transforming in marvelous miraculous ways.

This is you; we all hold this deep within our hearts. The magic is in going in to recognize you have all this and more inside of you and all we have to do is trust and allow the joy to arrive. It’s there waiting for you. So knock on the door. The doors will open and your past is waiting for you to come back and experience who you once were so that you know the incredibleness that you are today. No matter if you have a tragic past or not. Each experience is carefully orchestrated to grow you into light. So go ahead, embrace your light, and love your life, no matter where you are. Allow these opportunities to come into your life. Embrace them, as you would an old friend. You will find that when you allow yourself to go back and revisit who you once were there are always diamonds in the rough waiting to show you how sparkly you are. Especially, when you physically revisit places of the past. There is an even more empowering energy there waiting your presence to help you climb to higher ground. It is not enough to look at pictures or to talk about old times. When you actually put yourself in the places of what you once were you own who you are today. So, go ahead and take a chance, go and do and be who you were from the past and see how healing and revealing it can be. I know I have more to come. This retreat to my college days is just the beginning. I will be continuing to go back to places that I have often wanted to forget about because the pains were too great to bear. I now also know that this is just the way I perceived these situations at the time. Now, when I go back I go back perceiving life through the eyes of joy and with the knowing that I thankfully experienced all that I have experienced in order to get me where I am today. For this I am thankful. Thank you.

Ethan's Web (Part 12)

2009-10-06T13:05:00.002-04:00

It is difficult for me to comprehend that almost 8 weeks has passed since my last blog. I feel as though it were just yesterday when I wrote my last entry. Time has passed but not the passion for what I do. In essence, the passions of raising three incredible children have just grown stronger. In this blog I will catch you up on all that has been going on for Ethan. Mostly the 'ins' and 'outs' of his last four weeks of summer and the first three weeks of his new school year. Then if you would like to read on about the great changes that have been happening in my life I will have to redirect you to the blogs entitled "Jen's Web". Which can be found on this very same site. But first here is Ethan's stuff (and then later, Jen's Web will come).

The summer seemed to be over before we knew it. School was just around the corner. Some of you may have seen the video of Ethan walking with his bobath poles, which I will try to post on this blog very soon. By the end of the summer he became very good at walking with the poles instead of his arm crutches. This serves the purpose of keeping him in a more upright position and allows him to use his legs naturally in a reciprocal pattern instead of his forward posture he had been so accustomed to using with his arm crutches. He still needs one:one support with the bobath poles and is unable to do these independently, yet. But the time that we spend using the poles has been steadily increasing as he becomes stronger and stronger. Look for the video on this site soon.

Up until about two weeks ago we were still driving about 40 minutes away to go to the best physical therapists in the Detroit area, Heather and Kevin. As the summer progressed and school began the desire and the energy to keep this kind of schedule up was wearing us out. The roses that I had been accustomed to seeing that helped to confirm that we were on the path to meet the goals we had set out began to dwindle until we could no longer see any roses as we traveled back and forth to therapy several days a week. I knew that something was up and that therapy would soon be coming to an end. Ethan had made some incredible strides this summer and he was beginning to show the need for a break. His desire and motivation was beginning to run dry and no matter how much I enticed him to press on he still could not see or feel the benefits of his sessions for himself. This was a difficult process to go through as a mother and a son. As a mother, I wanted so badly to continue to press on thinking that if we could just get over this hurdle then he would see and feel the incredible progress he was making. I finally realised that I was doing all I could and it was not up to me. So, one day two weeks ago I felt the push inside of me to call Heather on the phone and tell her that this would be out last week in therapy. Of course she understood because she had been feeling this for several weeks now. So, we made our next session our last session for awhile. This is our temporary break in time to relish all the accomplishments we have made and celebrate our summer victories.

So what do we have to be victorious about? Ethan is walking stronger and taller. He has muscles working where they were not working before. He is stronger in areas where he was weak before. He knows and is confident that he will walk and run without his arm crutches one day soon and he feels the support of the people that believe this will happen for him. If we had not taken the time to go to therapy this summer then we would not have all that we have now. We have a vision that is being answered. We have a miraculous miracle in progress. Just because we do not go to therapy several days a week does not mean we will not progress. In actuality, we gained the physical knowledge we needed to allow our visions to become reality. We are incredibly thankful for our experience and the hard work that Heather and Ethan did together in order to take several important steps closer to our dream. So now, instead we are on to more adventures.

Ethan has started school. This has been another accomplishment. Every morning he gets dressed, eats breakfast, completes his exercises, and gets ready to go to school. Every day, he not only achieves academic goals, but he gets to socialize and deepen his roots into who he is. There have been many mornings when he has a hard time understanding why we must do all that we do in the while other kids are watching TV. Ultimately, we set our eyes on the prize and the doubts quickly fade away. There is no time for TV at our house. And through the absence of electronics we have gained a better understanding of who we all are and how we connect. School has brought us closer together. We have received reports of the great successes that Ethan is having at school. He has acclimated very well into his classroom and is taking on leadership roles that he would have never tried before. He continues to become more and more independent and the extra services he needed in years past are beginning to take a backseat to his new light shining brightly. Ethan is in the forefront and he is shining brightly every day. Time and time again, I am approached by people who used to be heavily involved in helping Ethan to progress in academic, physical, and social areas who are excited and surprised to see how much he has grown and how 'easy' things are coming to him now. They are delighted that he is showing such incredible strength and will to be independent in all areas of his life. I am constantly receiving confirmation that our choices we made last year were the 'right' choices to be made and that this is Ethan's year to brightly burn.

Lastly, we have hooked up with one of the nation's top chiropractors who just happens to have his office 30 minutes from where we live. The coincidences that lead us to his office will be talked about in greater detail in "Jen's Web". As for now, we are going to his office once a week to work on straightening out Ethan's spine so that he has optimal use of every muscle in his body. After walking with arm crutches for so long Ethan has developed a curve in his back much like that of a gorilla that walks partially on his arms. The chiropractor is helping us put Ethan's spine back into alignment through a series of simple weights and exercises termed 'The Pettibon System'. For ten minutes, twice a day we strap on weights to Ethan's body strategically placed in order to realign his anatomical structure into a normal alignment. Thus when Ethan is aligned the muscles that he does have working can work optimally and we never know what muscles could have been hiding out and not had the opportunity to work due to being miss aligned from a poorly aligned spine. This gives us more hope and another step closer to walking on the plane to China. Which brings us to our next thought. When are we going to China????? Well, we still do not know. But, I know that we will be going and when we do it will be an incredibly huge healing event. I have recently been given links to stem cell research that has only been done in China and we are looking into this possibility in conjunction with the bowel and bladder nerve rerouting surgery.

I will keep you updated more often now that the kids are back at school and our life seems to be on some sort of conducive schedule that allows me to invest the time in doing what I love to do; writing to inspire you to see what an awesome world we have and life that you have to live! No matter what the cause of our frustrations seems to be we must take the time to see and perceive our lives differently. Nothing is impossible and joy is every where around us no matter where you are or what your situation is. I can say this, because I know. I have walked a life of misery and if you choose to walk a life of joy everything will change for you; I promise. I welcome you to go on and read "Jen's Web" sometime in the near future. There you will begin to have an understanding of who I am and why I have chosen to see joy in my life, finally, after all these years. To you, I send love and sheer joy, because we are one and connected. I love you. Yes, you.

Oh, and here is the video...

Ethan's Web (Part 11)

2009-08-19T08:01:00.003-04:00

Ethan has been doing fabulous these past couple of weeks. As you know, we were in Pennsylvania visiting family for several weeks and taking a break from our routine out here in Michigan. This meant that Ethan would have a good two week break from physical therapy. I was a little bit nervous about this and hesitant to be gone for so long. Of course I did not want Ethan to lose any of the strength and progress we had made thus far. But what I did not foresee is how much a break would help him instead of hinder him. It was not only a break and a new beginning for me, as I have written in these past blogs, but it was a time of revitalization for Ethan as well. He thrives on being in the presence of his cousins (Kendall-8 years, and Veronica-6 years) and he absolutely loves his Grandma and Grandpa and his Aunt Holli (Kendall and Veronica’s mommy and my sister-in-law). Aunt Holli has always held a special place in her heart for Ethan and Ethan has always felt incredibly connected to Holli. She is our connection overseas in China to Dr. Xiao, who will be performing the nerve rerouting surgery on Ethan. As I have stated in my past blogs, Holli and her husband Brian and their two daughters, Kendall & Veronica are living in China for at least another year. They are who we will be staying with while we are there for the surgery, whenever we go.

Our trip back to PA to spend some time with Ethan’s cousins, his Aunt, and his Grandma and Grandpa brought a new light into his eyes. The happiness he shares with them filled him up and released him to another level of his healing. He brought this new energy back with him to Michigan and it lingers with him every day. Since we have been home, I have felt him more connected to life and living than ever before in so many ways. For instance, instead of always having to remind Ethan that he needs to do his physical therapy exercises he is telling me every day when it is time to do them! He is motivated to get them done and get stronger when before they were a chore that he had to work really hard at to get done. In the past, I was constantly thinking of ways to motivate him through a star chart, money, and the occasional have a friend over or ice cream bribe. Now, he is motivated on his own and he is reminding me that we need to get his exercises done! In addition, the exercises that we are doing have become incredibly EASY! He had limited hamstring strength before (the muscles on the back of your legs behind your thighs). These muscles are important for keeping our balance (in the forward and back directions) when we walk and run. When we exercise these muscles Ethan is laying on his belly with his legs stretched out as he curls his heel up to his butt at his knee joint. This used to be difficult for him! We have even had Orthopedic Doctors test him in the past and tell us that he has no hamstring muscles. But now, he is curling his legs without any help and he is whipping through the exercises so easily that we have to start adding ankle weights to make the exercises more difficult. And you should see the smile on his face and the sense of accomplishment that overwhelms his entire spirit when he realizes how much stronger he is! He is like a new kid with an incredible sense of confidence and happiness within him that resonates and touches everyone around him! Not only is he getting stronger and he knows it but his Physical Therapist, Heather and his Dad are praising and noticing as well. Heather told me just the other day that she can see his abductor muscles working and getting stronger. She is very excited by this because she knows Ethan had very minimal ability in this area and had to be moved by someone else in order to activate these muscles. Now he is lifting his legs to the side (the abductor muscles are near your butt and hips and they keep you from falling to the left or the right) on his own! And his muscles are twitching like crazy because they are working so hard! Encouraging, VERY ENCOURAGING

Next, the other day he decided to walk down the steps that lead to the second floor of our house. This is highly unusual for Ethan. Normally, he scoots down on his butt because he does not feel comfortable or strong enough to walk. On this particular day, I noticed him walking down the steps on his own while holding on to the railing. As I was very surprised I remarked, “Did you just walk down the steps?” He smiled humbly and said, “Yeah, Mom.” “Are you kidding me?” I said with a smile on my face and excitement in my voice. “YES.” He confirmed. “Wow, nice job Ethan that is just so awesome. You the man!” I told him and gave him a big hug. He was pretty excited. This is something Ethan just doesn’t do on his own. He never goes out on a limb to try something new without me prompting him to do so. And there he was taking a risk all on his own!

Lastly, Dad just reported on Sunday that Ethan ran the fastest he has ever seen him run around the bases at his miracle league baseball game. This is a big deal. And Ethan is extremely proud. His face lights up when we talk about it. This is not all…

I’d like to share with you what else we have been doing to help Ethan reach his goals. We have been meditating and envisioning what it would be like for him to walk without his arm crutches. Yep, I am teaching him to close his eyes while he is doing his exercises and to envision himself standing up straight without his arm crutches and then we talk about taking his first steps and eventually running down the street. With each leg lift, hamstring curl, bridge, and balance activity we are talking through why we are doing this and what it feels and looks like to achieve our goals. We are feeling it now in the present moment. We are also envisioning a healing pillar of white light coming down through the top of his head, down through his spine, down his legs and feet and into the Earth. This white light is helping to heal his body and gives him the strength to heal and become stronger in order to achieve his goals. We have even ordered a free ‘miracle cloth’ off the internet which he keeps in his pocket from time to time in order to give him some ‘extra’ strength. The most incredible thing about all of this is that Ethan is doing it and he is having fun and he BELIEVES in himself. He Believes

Now that he believes and he is claiming his power there is nothing that can stop him. He is seeing results and he is very encouraged to keep going. We have talked about his next goal and he has stated to me that it would be very ‘cool’ if he could walk onto the plane on the way to China without his arm crutches. I almost fell over with joy when he came up with this idea. Like I have said before, we do not know when we are going yet but it does not matter because we know that divine timing is working it out for us. Ethan wants to walk onto the plane. That is all that matter right now. This is very reminiscent of a past goal that we came up with together about 3 ½ years ago. At that time, we were working very hard with Kevin, Ethan’s Physical Therapist, to get him to go from walking with a walker to walking with arm crutches. This was a big next step for him and we wanted him to do this before going to Kindergarten in the fall. We came up with the idea of going to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Kansas City and we would have to take a plane to get there. This was very exciting to Ethan. Taking a plane to go see Grandma and Grandpa was a huge part of his motivation. We told him that if he learned how to walk with arm crutches then he could walk onto the plane all by himself with his arm crutches like a big kid. It worked. Several weeks later he learned and we were on our way to Kansas City on a plane. And Ethan did walk onto the plane all the way over to his seat all by himself! This was a first and a huge accomplishment for everyone. We celebrated like crazy! Of course, I cried. I’ll never forget the first day he walked with his arm crutches at therapy, I never cried with such joy and pride in all of my life. It was the same emotion you get when you get married or when you have your first born child. That day, the first thing we did was drive over to Daddy’s office to surprise him. We had Ethan walk to his office door and just say, “Hi, Dad!” Boy was he surprised! He was so surprised that he scared Ethan with his excitement and Ethan fell over laughing with joy. It was a hilarious site. Everyone cheered for him.

So, now we are not only going to China sometime in the near future but we are going to walk on to the plane without any arm crutches! It is exciting! We will keep working hard, enjoying the ride, and trusting that this is all being divinely orchestrated one step at a time. Until next time, Namaste!

Jen's Web (Part 1) New Beginnings

2009-08-17T08:06:00.005-04:00

This is the first part of a series I will be adding to this blog. Although, I will still write on "Ethan's Web" primarily for the purpose of explaining his healing process, I also feel it is important to expand on my healing process with "Jen's Web" since we truly are all connected. I wrote this new addition a little over a week ago on our way back from Pennsylvania in the car as my three kids sat in the back watching a DVD movie and my husband drove. Enjoy.

It has been just shy of 2 weeks since I left Michigan with my three children to drive to Pennsylvania. Today, I return back to Michigan a different woman with a different family. A family more united and healed than ever before. I am a woman more balanced and united than ever before. I have shed past unresolved inner conflicts and have released old energies that do not serve my higher purpose. I took time for myself on this trip to visit with old friends and understand deeply who they are and through them know who I am even better. I am not who I once was any more and I am even better than I imagined. This may seem selfish to say for some of you, but it is true. My life has become richer and fuller. My family’s life has become richer and fuller. The journey I took these past two weeks was a journey that was needed for our entire family. It was filled with understanding, seeing, and believing in the person that I already am and believed that I could always become. I know now what our family is meant for and what I am meant to do and to become and to be all that I am in this moment and forever more. I am not that which I thought I was and knowing this now has released me into a higher dimension and a higher reality. There are many realities that I could take on and I am consciously choosing which reality I would like our family to become. I must be careful though not to become obsessed with this new form of consciousness and worry that every thought will create a reality of one that I may not want. I do not have complete control and I must follow spirit but I can project thoughts that are consciously aware that we are allowed and deserve the qualities of peace, abundance, love, joy and serenity in our lives. When we think highly of ourselves and truly feel deserving of these things that is when they will freely flow into and become our reality. This is what I teach my children as a mother and this is what I project to my husband as his spouse. He is learning too. He learns from me these concepts. Many of which he already knows and just needs to be reminded and assured that he is doing the ‘right’ thing whatever that may be at the time. So, I step into this higher consciousness with the knowing that I am already that which I desire to become. What is that? What does it look like? I will tell you...

I have a family full of love and understanding, peace, and serenity. I have a son that was born with a disability but this was part of our unconscious creation at that time. We know different now. We know that if we see him in the light as an eternal light that heals all and is all things than anything is possible. Thought creates. If I can see Ethan as healed, strong, powerful, and energetic then that is what he becomes. If I can see him peeing and pooping (our kid language we use at home) on his own then those opportunities for that to happen in his existence will arise. If I can see him running down a ramp to get in a row boat or canoe with his father then he will one day do just that. The universe will provide the opportunities for this to happen. Of course, his soul has a say in this reality as well and if Ethan refuses this reality then there is nothing I can do. But it is also my job as his mother to teach him that this is possible. This is the reality that I choose and the reality I wish to become. This is what we can teach our children. Just as engineers create architectural feats of skyscrapers and bridges we can bridge and build our own Heavens on Earth. I see my children loving each other and loving their lives and this is what they are. I see myself as the loving mother who loves her husband and we are all filled with an infinite light that can heal and be present with all things. I am holding hands with my husband, my two sons, my daughter, my mother and father-in-law, my sister-in-law and her family, my brother-in-law and his family, my father, and my brother, and my mother & grandfather (both deceased) and my uncle and his significant other, and whoever else of my family that comes into our circle (Aunts, Uncles, loved ones who have crossed over). We hold hands and send each other light and love. We hold hands with the intent to heal the past, be present, and allow the future to unfold in gratitude. Light heals, light takes away the dark and illuminates your consciousness. It gives us hope and it knows there is always a higher power at hand and that anything, absolutely anything is possible. This is the reality I choose and this is the new reality and new consciousness I return back to Michigan with. For this I am grateful for all of my past and all of my present and I am excited for what the future holds because I know it can only hold peace, love, light and incredible miracles! Stay tuned and return back to hear more.

Bridging Webs

2009-08-07T07:53:00.002-04:00

It was our last day in Pennsylvania and I decided to take a retreat alone to a spot a little over an hour away in Emitsburg, MD. There sits a Mother Mary shrine at Mount St. Mary’s University Campus. It is referred to as the ‘Grotto’ and it is the only one of its kind in the United States. I had no idea it was so close to where we used to live in York, PA. Some dear friends told me about this place and I knew I had to make time to go by myself before we left to return to Michigan. This place is said to be filled with healing energy and it is considered a very sacred and holy place for many Christians. I had to see for myself. They were right. I spent 3 hours there, immersed in the energies of Mother Mary, Jesus and the Holy Family. I took my lap top notebook so that I could write down some of my thoughts and what I felt when I was there. My notes from that day are as follows:

As I sit here in front of the Mother Mary Grotto I feel a peace come over me and stay. The peace says to me, “You are already that which you seek to become.” I hear the song, “Let It Be” by John Lennon playing in the background of my mind. “Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.” I know now. I know all that I need to do and all that I need to become is right here in this moment. All that my family is and all that I have dreamed of them becoming is right here in this moment. I do nothing. Just, let it be. I must tell you about one of my runs in Pennsylvania. Several days ago, I was dramatically shifted. Caught in a thunderstorm, I was blessed to see lightening and hear thunder right in the midst of my run. I knew the weather looked ‘iffy’ that morning and that a shower was possible but I had no idea of the down pour that I would encounter. It was a wonderful down pour of rain. Almost as if a clearing or a cleansing was occurring. I ran across the bridge where I had seen the 100’s of spider webs from the days before and I thanked God for allowing me to be aware of such a miraculous site. The clouds grew thicker and I felt the dampness in the air grow and smell stronger. I had a flash of my father and my brother before my eyes. I heard the words of “Going Home” inside my head. I knew what this meant. It was time for me to return home. It is time for me to go back to my original roots of where I was born and to heal the past. It is time to return home. I have not seen my father or my brother in over 20 years. I have had enough running from my past. I feel that I am finally a woman who can face her past with a woman’s eyes ready to compassionately let her inner child be healed. There is a little girl inside of me that yearns for the relationship of a blood family that she never had. She knows that this is not possible but in going to see where she grew up and maybe in talking with the people that once surrounded her life she might go with the knowing that there is never anything ’bad’ that can happen to her and that she is always ‘taken care of’ wherever she walks or goes. I can go as a woman who can hold and protect her inner child. I can go as a woman and face all the people that once hurt her as well as those that once protected her and know that there is nothing to fear. My inner child needs to see in person that she was protected all along and that there was never anything to fear in the first place. All the fights and all the yelling and screaming and all the hitting are no longer alive. They are visions of the past and that is all they are. If I can see in person, with a woman’s eyes of today than my child’s eyes of yesterday will finally know that all is o.k. So then, ‘I must go home.’ This is in my future and I know that I will go.

This is what ‘came to me’ on my run that day when I was caught in the thunderstorm. Not only was I given a pilgrimage but I was washed clean. Being caught in the storm not only gave me the revelation that urges me to continue to heal the early years of my childhood but the rain also made me feel that the recent years past were being washed away. All the heartache and unhappiness of my last 8 years were finally cleansed and washed clean. The rain symbolized a final ceremonial shower that swept the remaining doubt and insecurity that still resided in my energy field permanently away and transformed into the universe. All the fears of when Ethan was born, all the fears that came with being a mother of a child with special needs, all the fears of being married and not understanding what marriage looked like, all the fears of trying to be my own woman when I never had a role model to look up to, all the fears and misunderstandings of life were finally taken away and transformed. York was the place where the healing journey had been initiated. It is where my awareness of consciousness began. And now it is where I have returned for a transformative cleansing of my soul. I have come back to see that every step I had taken on this healing journey was needed and necessary to be where I am today. It has brought me to a place of perfection. A knowing that healing the past is possible and I am finally thankful for all that is and ever was; all the darkness and all the light. In the days to come I will continue to write and share all of my experiences and know that all of these experiences that we have every day are filled with opportunities to heal and be aware of our true selves. So, in respect to all the webs of our existence I will name my web, ‘Jen’s Web’. My web is just as much a part of the healing as Ethan’s Web. Because we are all divinely connected and united in a universal web of love and light. Through our healing (Ethan and I) it is my hope that you will see how truly gifted each one of us is and appreciate each individual for all that they are and all that they have become. Each individual’s journey is our journey. Each individual’s web is our web. Watch, wait, and know that Jen’s Web, Ethan’s Web, and Your Web are all unfolding, transforming, and healing. Let’s finally take this trip together; to return home.

Ethan's Web Part 10

2009-07-31T16:50:00.004-04:00

Today, like any other day, I awoke early and went for a morning run. Running helps to clear my thoughts and bring me into the present moment as well as contemplate the future day’s events. Running calms the voice in my head and creates stillness in my body. It may seem contradictory to say that running calms my body. But it does. The synchronistic movement patterns, the cross lateralization of my legs and arms working together, the breathing in and out that you must master, and the perfect balance you must create within in order to maintain a pace suitable for your body that will allow you to run long distances. It becomes a meditative state. On this particular morning I took it easy. My foot has been in the process of healing and I wanted to be sure I did not reinjure myself. Along my journey I began to feel the wind building up and pushing against me as I was trying to press forward. I decided to listen to what I felt I was being told; to slow down and take a moment to rest before turning around to run back home. I had already been running for awhile and I could use a couple of minutes of rest before returning home. The wind urged me to take my rest near a bridge that crosses a creek. I put my hands on the metal rails and saw before me a spider web. Of course I immediately thought of “Ethan’s Web” and how wonderful it was to have this reminder right before my eyes. But then, as I gazed to the left I saw another spider web besides the first one. I was thankful again and thought how wonderful it was to see another web. Just then, I saw another web, and another web, and another web. So I began naming the webs, thinking there can’t be more than 5 webs. Here is Ethan’s web, Jen’s Web, Andy’s Web, Eleanor’s web, Aiden’s web. I tried to put names to all of the webs but the webs kept coming and coming and coming. There were so many webs on this bridge I could not believe my eyes! So many webs that when I tried to count them all I had counted up to 50 spider webs and I was only half way down the bridge. This bridge was over 150 feet long and there was certainly over 100 spider webs gathered in between each rail one right after another and one right on top of another all along this bridge. They were intermeshed and all connected. They were all just seemingly floating there but so connected and so strong. One would not see or notice these webs just walking along the trail. You have to stop and take the time to look and even then you cannot see them all. As the light shines upon different areas of the bridge your awareness is drawn to either more or less spider webs. I’m sure there were more webs than my eyes could see because every time I was standing there counting the webs in front of me I would turn one direction or another and be surprised at all the webs that were there but I could not see until I changed perspective. To me this was a huge connection. It was a huge parallel. I made sure I spent several moments to take it all in and then turned to continue on my run back home. My run was then changed forever. My perspective had been changed forever. I thought of spider webs and how we are all connected and how each one of us is part of our own web. How our lives are full of webs and how when we see ourselves in other lights and other perspectives our whole view of life can completely change. I thought of Ethan and his entire life and how our determination to believe that anything is possible has brought us to where we are today. I thought of all that has been done and how much we have to look forward to and how absolutely lucky we are to be blessed with this opportunity to go to China. I thought of my life and all the events that had brought me to where I am today and how each event was perfectly orchestrated in order to mold and shape me into the person I am. I thought of each one of my kids and how they are all on their own paths creating their own webs and how each of us creates our own webs daily. I thought of as many people as I could and imagined each one owning one of those webs that I saw on the bridge and how beautifully symbolic webs can be. Just like the webs on the bridge that are all connected we are all connected as well. And the funny thing about those webs is that we can’t see all the connections right now because we all have our different perspectives but they are all still there and will be revealed to us when time deems it appropriate. Which lead to another thought…that if we are so connected then how important it is to treat each other how we would want to be treated in every moment no matter how tired or exhausted we may be; no matter what our past has done to us; no matter how traumatized we might have been or have become; no matter what our situation may be. For all that really matters is the present moment. Each connection and each relationship we have with another person or even just ourselves affects everyone around us directly or indirectly. How I treat the Earth, my neighbor, my children, my husband, my family, the postman, the waitress, my dog, is a direct relation of how I feel about myself. If I love myself completely and divinely then I can love you completely and divinely.

Ultimately, we all have our own webs of existence and it is up to us what we choose to do with our webs. For my web and Ethan’s web we are choosing to believe that anything is possible and that if we dream it, it will come. I want our webs to be full of joy, compassion, peace, and miracles. I want every person we touch through our webs to feel what it is like to be living heaven right here on Earth; where dreams come true and miracles happen every day. I want every person to know that their web can be exactly the same way if they so choose it to be. I want Ethan’s Web to be a testimony to the world of what is possible and that nothing is impossible. What I want for Ethan and our family I want for you as well. My hope is that you continue to join us and that you begin to create miracles in your own web just like we continue in ours. Thank you.

Ethan's Web (Part 9)

2009-07-25T15:42:00.009-04:00

The web of healing continues. Currently, we are visiting family in Pennsylvania. We drove in last night. We, as in my three kids and myself drove for nine hours across Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania in order to get to an average sized town in PA called York. We weathered high winds and rain, tantrums, exhaustion, boredom, and whining. It was just down right sheer determination that got us here. Why? Because this is where our roots are. This is where our history began. This is where our family began and this is where some of our family remains. We came back to reconnect and to remember who we are and where we came from. For this is all part of the journey; our journey of healing.

Every year, since we left 4 years ago, I make a point of returning for at least a week. What I have found in the past is that one week is not enough time. It is not enough time to connect with family and friends. This time we are staying for almost two weeks. 11 days to be exact. At first, when we arrived I was not sure if this was the right thing to do, staying so long. Sometimes, being around family can be exhausting and suck you back into old patterns you have worked so hard to release from your life permanently. But of course, I received my rose confirmations and I knew that I was doing the 'right' thing. After our 9 hour drive yesterday we arrived at my mother-in-laws home like 4 wet and exhausted cats waiting on your doorstep to come in and be sheltered and taken care of. We were greeted by a room full of aunts (4 to be exact) and an eagerly awaiting grandmother. The children were excited to say the least. The aunts were excited to say the least. Grandma was excited to say the least. And mom (me) was just plain tired to say the least. By 11pm that night I was able to finally get all my children to sleep including myself and my daughter (sleeping by my side). With a house full of people we were sleeping wherever we could find room. Unfortunately, I did not receive a restful night's sleep with Eleanor next to me and the very ungrounded energy of still driving in a car flowing through my body.

Today is a new day. I woke up many times last night, tossing and turning and finally decided to get up and go to a much needed yoga class. This is a place I would frequent every Saturday morning to connect with like minded friends to support and encourage each other through our Yoga practice. Returning to Yoga reminded me of who I really am and all the family I have missed for so long. I think of these people as my family due to our insights that we share and our open hearted conversations we get to enjoy with each other. Sometimes we loose site of this type of connection when we are around blood family and it is good to go outside of what is familiar in order to explore, connect, and reconnect with who you are. Today, before going into Yoga I spent some time connecting with myself alone in my car and asking for confirmation as to if I was doing the 'right' thing (as in staying in York for a such a long time and all the emotions and feelings this conjures up). In the midst of all the chaos and confusion we sometimes realise that everything was actually in perfect divine order and I was just looking for confirmation in the midst of all my chaos and confusion from the day before that I was still following and listening to my soul. So, later that morning in midst of my yoga practice I turned to glance over my left shoulder and there upon a bookshelf amongst the Netty pots, CDs, books, incense, and singing bowls was a picture of a beautiful red rose. Ahhh....my rose, my sweet rose that always comes to me with confirmation and a knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I had my confirmation and my sense of 'knowing' that all is exactly as it should be.

"So, where does this come from?", you may ask. Why do I have such insecurities that I always must receive confirmation and affirmations that I am on the right path? You see, I have lived a life filled with fear and doubt. There is a little girl inside of me that needs to have confirmation that she is 'ok' and doing the right thing. This little girl did not receive this when she was younger and I have to take care of her today and still give her the affirmation that she is 'exactly where she needs to be'. And then there is the adult me that yearns to connect to others for support and yearns for parental support (like a mom to call on the phone and a dad's shoulder to cry on) but never will receive this because her mother is no longer alive and her father is absent in her life. But these people, who I was born to had chaotic lives and even if they were around today I am not sure that I would agree with or welcome their advice in the first place. I grew up without a mom, she died of cancer when I was 16. My Dad is a recovering alcoholic and my childhood was filled with yelling, screaming, and fighting amongst my parents on a daily basis. Weekly calls to the local police station in order to come and break up a fist fight between my mom, dad, and my older brother were a regular in our home. My mom usually lost and walked around with black and blue marks on her arms or legs and even her face. My brother had them on his arms but never on his face, thankfully. My Dad, a rather large man, always won. I, hid in my bedroom and would occasionally come out to 'save my family' from killing themselves but would in turn be saved by one of the three crazy people who insisted that I go back to my room and stay there. There were times when I would come out and beat on my dad as he attempted to pummel my mom or brother and would be pushed away only so that they could go back and resume the fighting. There were times when I would yell so loud that my parents had to stop and look at me. By that time my father was so out of breath and dripping sweat from hitting my mom or brother and stunk of alcohol that all he could do is finally stop and pass out on the floor in exhaustion and intoxication. There were times when I would put my dad to bed on the couch and call my mom at work warning her not to come home for fear that another fight would take place. I thought that if I could just keep them separated long enough that I could stop the inevitable fate of fighting in our home. I would try to control alot of things in my house in fear that if I could just do this or just do that, that we would all avoid a night of fighting or a riot breakout between the three loony birds I had to live with. So, returning home brings up allot of memories. But these aren't even the memories of my new family. These are old memories. These memories haunt me from my childhood and have nothing to do with the present moment. But when you have not fully let go of your past it can effect your present in almost every moment of your existence. So, whenever I am in an environment where I can not control my surroundings, like yesterday, traveling for so long and the arrival into my mother in laws house it takes me some time to adjust and reground myself. There is damage control that needs to be done. I have to make sure my kids are getting their needs met and that we have a place to put all our stuff and ground ourselves. I need to make sure my kids are eating 'right' because I can control this and I have to make sure that they are listening and being respectful because I can control this. When you live in fear you see everything through this veil and nothing seems safe or comforting. You wind up expending allot of unnecessary energy that zaps you from enjoying life. You would think that walking into a room full of Aunts and Grandma would be wonderful to just let go and let them take over. But I can't. Yes, there is a delicate balance and I must understand that I can not control everything and some things I must 'let go' but this is my lesson to learn which I freely admit to and have finally learned to honor in myself. So this week, being in York is about balance. Ethan is not the only one being and coming into balanced energy. And the figure '8's that I have been seeing everywhere have not only been for him and his healing journey. His mom is coming into balance and healing as well. I am healing being here. I am revisiting some of the roots of who I am and going to another level of healing and re balancing so that I may emerge from my cocoon as a beautiful butterfly again on a new level of awareness and conscious living. I have alot to learn and alot to write about this week. And if you don't mind I feel that I will be writing more about my journey of healing and re balance than my son's this week. It is still Ethan's Web because this all could not be possible without Ethan and the journey that he is on. If it were not for him and his calling I would not be here writing, healing, and following my true calling. So, stayed tuned. I have much to say, release, and heal. Namaste.

Ethan's Web (Part 8)

2009-07-12T07:59:00.011-04:00

This entry is a turning point in the web that Ethan has created. You see, I am a part of this web and so is Ethan's family so we also have a part in this story to tell that indirectly has to do with Ethan and his incredible healing. Ethan's journey is not just about Ethan healing but it is about our entire family's healing right besides him. Especially his Mom. 8 years ago I had a little boy in my arms that I was scared to death for. What would the future hold for this little guy who I was told would never walk and have multiple problems in his life? And how could we be given such a situation to behold? "Why? Why!", is all I could ask. There had to be more. There had to be. So, began my search for meaning in all of this and the meaning of life and why we come to live our lives the way we do. Ethan's healing has not just been about him but it has a significant purpose in my own healing as well. With each step he has taken it has taken me to a new step in my life. My faith shines strong when I see the miracles happen in his life. I will never stop believing that Ethan is on a path of miracles to show us all that anything is possible. But how did I get to this point in my faith? It has been a long and arduous process that I will tell you about if you care to listen.

When Ethan was born I was a recent graduate of Occupational Therapy and just beginning my career. Everyone thought that if there was anymore perfect of a mom for Ethan it would be me. My experience and knowledge of the body and physical healing was vast and brand new. But the prognosis for a child with spina bifida is not good. It is very text book. They tell you what level they are on the spine where the spinal nerves did not close and then from there they guesstimate what type of functioning you will have. Ethan's level meant that he would have trouble walking and need to spend most of his life in a wheelchair, that he would have cognitive difficulties, hydrocephalus, bowel and bladder incontinence, etc., etc. The prospect of having a child with multiple problems was overwhelming. I was not ready or up for the challenge. I did not want to be Ethan's mom. I wanted to be the mom of a 'normal' child. But my husband and I found out the night before Ethan was born of his condition and we had no choice but to have this new baby. I remember crying in my closet that night and falling into a deep depression with the thought of what our life would be like from then on. "How could this be? How could we be given such a child?", I feared. I felt so ill equipped to handle this life long situation even though everyone thought I was the perfect mom and I certainly did not want to be the mom of a disabled child. It is difficult to admit this out loud when you have gone to school to work with people who have disabilities. But, to me, that was not my life...I was just the therapist that would help them on their way...that was not what my life was about...that was somebody else's life. Oh, how wrong I was. And how much I was going to learn.

On March 24th, 2001, Ethan came into our lives with a bang. His birth was bitter and sweet. Bitter at the scary idea of having a child with a disability as 'big' as his and sweet when I took one look at him for the first time in person and realized a love that can never be compared to anything on Earth. A love of uncompromisable enormity. A love so huge that it could move mountains. A love like this that would create miracles. When my eyes settled on his little new born body I immediately lost all control to hold back any emotions that had been lingering inside me. A wave of tears came over me and a strength to heal came from me that I can not explain. This strength of healing was so strong that within hours of our surgery (my c-section upon Ethan's birth) I was up out of bed determined to get myself to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) where Ethan was being housed in order to see and touch him. It took three people to get me into my wheel chair and whether or not my newly formed stitches would hold tight or burst had no concern to me. Pain and all, I made the nurses get me in that chair so that I could be wheeled over to see my newborn child. Ethan, himself had gone through some incredible surgery just hours after he was born. He had a 'hole' in his back where his spine did not close and the nerves had collected. The surgeon had to go in, put the nerves where he thought they should have gone in the first place, close him up with his own extra skin (since he was a well endowed infant) and hope that the nerves would continue to grow on their own. The surgery was a success. I remember the surgeon standing at the foot of my bed telling me that he would be able to walk one day while the rest of the doctors told us that this was not the case. I would never speak to or see this surgeon again and I do not even know today what he looks like. It was the first of a series of miracles that would set me on the path of believing that Ethan's life had an alternate plane. Like the song from Natalie Merchant's "Wonder", FATE would have other plans for Ethan. The angels would hold him in their arms and grace him with a miraculous life full of wonder and unexplainable events. This is what I believed, this is what I knew, this is what I know.

So, I was wheeled up to the NICU, managed to scrub, and made it over to Ethan's crib side. He was in a bubble type of environment to keep him warm and risk free of infection. You could barely reach in to touch him and wires draped and covered his body with little tiny pads that stuck to him to monitor his every move. His arms were tied close to keep him from grabbing and tugging at things and his back had a large bandage covering him from the surgery. More tears began to flow as I sat there and watched my baby. All I wanted to do is hold him, cuddle him, and have him nurse. This could not be done. None of those things could be done and my heart ached with the longing to be a mother. To do the things a mother would want to do. All I could do is stroke his little arm, his little nose, his forehead or his leg and watch as his slept. At least I could sit there and be next to him. It was not long before my therapist instincts took control of the situation before me. I immediately wanted the nurses to position him correctly and to pay every attention to not just his vitals and the doctors orders but the orders form his therapist/mom who wanted Ethan to get the best of care. I had learned a thing or two from my internships in NICUs and I knew how important it was to position a baby such as Ethan correctly to limit any orthopedic and developmental problems in the future. So, I made the nurses take pictures and print them out on little cards with explanations demonstrating how Ethan should be positioned during the day to best help his development. It was all I could do and all I would know how to do in the beginning of his life. I took what I had learned and applied it to my first born in hopes that he would never journey down the path that the doctors were telling me he was destined for. Several times a day I would check on Ethan. I wanted to be sure that he was getting the best care and when I saw that a new nurse did not follow my orders I was sure to let her know and teach her what I wanted. I was supposed to be resting and healing but my healing was only dependent upon my sons healing. My life had been instantaneously transformed into a life that was determined to heal my son. I would not let go until I knew that he was on this path that I instinctively knew was his.

I remember sitting in the car on the way home from the hospital with Ethan in the backseat. We had waited a week for this day. Finally, we had the opportunity to bring our baby home and become a family. We stopped to get gas and I sat in the car watching from a distance as a man was running and my husband was out filling the gas tank. This man was out for a jog and it was a beautiful spring day. I sat there wondering to myself, "If that were Ethan running, how could I make that happen for him? How could I help him run one day?" I imagined Ethan running down the street. My life was consumed with healing and wanting a miracle for him. At times my behaviors would get the best of me and I would live my life daily on the thought and idea that maybe, just maybe, this would be the day he would be healed. I had allot of my own healing to do in the process. Ethan would not be healed by an all consuming miracle where he would rise up and walk like the stories of Jesus and the miraculous healings he performed. Although I admit I dreamed of it to happening this way. I wanted to wake up and have the whole thing just be a dream. I wanted the BIG miracle. Ethan's soul would have other plans. Ethan's plan was to bring all of my healing to the fore front and every step of healing I would take Ethan would match. Every time I made a giant leap of my own emotional healing from my own past my son would have his own physical healing. Ethan would have motor control that would never be there before; or he would say 'apple' at one years old in the grocery store as I was putting apples in the cart when the doctors said he would have cognitive problems; or he would begin to crawl like a normal baby at 12 months when I was told he would never be able to do this. These miracles that consistently corresponded to my own healing would keep me going, keep me believing, and reassure me to never give up.

I remember one day when Ethan was sitting in a neurology office waiting for the neurologist to finish his exam on how Ethan was doing. He was 5 years old and we had only been in Michigan a little over a year. The doctor was testing his reflexes and tapped his knee. All of a sudden his leg jerked forward. "Oh my gosh", I exclaimed. "He has never done that before!" Then the Doctor tapped his other knee. It jerked forward. "He has never done that before", I exclaimed again. "How do you explain this", I asked the doctor. "He has nerve connections now where they were not before", he simply stated. "You mean he is growing nerves", I asked excitedly. "Yes, his nerves are still connecting", he confirmed. The doctor was so 'matter of fact' about the whole thing and I could not resist the urge to jump up and down and celebrate. I immediately called Andy (my hubby) to let him know the miracle that had just occurred. Again, this added fuel to my fire and my quest to heal myself and my child.

So, our journey continued and continues today. Every effort Ethan makes with his own healing journey is felt deeply by all of us; especially me. When he heals, I heal. When I heal, he heals. So as we step closer and closer to Ethan's trip to China and the healing that will occur abroad I feel us healing at an ever more rapid pace. His life is coming together and balancing in ways that I could have only imagined. That I have imagined. I see the number '8' every where I turn which reminds me of balance and the significance that Ethan is 8 years old and his healing is coming full circle. A figure 8 is completely balanced from top to bottom and inside and out. His energy is flowing and creating healing in and throughout his being in every moment of every day and as is mine. I feel more alive than ever before and full of hope like I have never felt before. We have come to a time where we are completely accepting of where we are and what we are doing in every moment knowing that we are exactly where we always need to be. We continue to heal to move on and know that of course it is never about the destination and always about the journey and what a wonderful story we get to write and reflect upon along our way. I will continue to reflect upon this in these writing and of course bring up new happenings in Ethan 's life and all of our healing as a family. But have you know that Ethan's Web Part 8 is a turning point. It is a reflection of perfect balance coming into existence for Ethan and our whole family. It is a place of complete acceptance because we know what the future holds; a continued path of healing, rejuvenation, and miracles. How could it be anything else when we are living our heaven right here on Earth. Amen!

Ethan's Web (Part 7)

2009-06-26T06:24:00.009-04:00

The past couple of weeks has been filled with hard work and determination. Ethan goes to therapy every Tuesday and Thursday and works incredibly hard at his ultimate goal; walking. For 90 minutes he works each and every muscle group; lifting, stretching, climbing, pushing, pulling, etc. He has the type of workout that would put me on the bench. This is him working in 'the cage'. He is working on all the muscles he needs for walking; all of those extensor muscles along your spine, hips, and legs that help you to stand up straight and balance. The lovely woman with him is Heather, his physical therapist. Just below are Kevin and Heather who are in the midst of talking about how they can work Ethan in a way that will target his muscle groups that still need to be strengthened. They are always coming up with fresh ideas that help Ethan to get stronger.
And it is working! We are beginning to see results. Ethan is standing taller, walking stronger, and improving the way that he walks. Before therapy Ethan would always walk with his right foot to the side and push off on the inside of his foot. Just within the past week he has been relearning how to walk from heel to toe and keeping his feet straight. At first, we were reminding him all the time through out the entire day. I sounded like a drill sargent constantly telling the soldier to 'keep his foot straight'. But by weeks end he was walking with his foot straight and the drill sargent was able to rest her voice. We are constantly working towards our goal. In the past (only about a year ago) Ethan would complain and whine about having to do therapy. This time it is different. There is a determination in his eyes that I have never seen before. Every time he is able to do something he has never been able to do before he smiles. It is the kind of smile that starts out small at the corners of his mouth and then when he begins to realize he is REALLY DOING IT (whatever it may be, ie. lifting his leg to the side, standing for over a minute, keeping his foot straight) his face just explodes with light and a giggle that is trying to contain his excitement. I'm not sure why but he is very humble about his accomplishments. Maybe it is because he is embarrassed by his Mom who is usually the one in the background jumping up and down and cheering like her son just scored the winning goal for the Stanley Cup! But seriously, there is a light in his eyes that I have never seen before. And he is constantly showing his determination every day, wherever we may go and with whatever we may be doing.

For example, Aiden (Ethan's younger brother) had soccer camp this week. On the first day of practice we arrived at the field to find that in order to get to the area where he would be playing soccer we would have to walk down 25 steps on a large steep hill and across a field about the size of a football field away. My first thought was, "Oh my, Ethan is going to have to wait at the top of the hill while I take Aiden over with Eleanor." But Ethan declined the offer to just wait and tried his hardest to keep up with us. Of course he did too. Every day thereafter became an on the spot therapy session. Ethan was determined to walk down the steps and sometimes walk across the field and every day he would have to walk back across the field and back up those 25 steep steps. Not only did he just have to walk up those steps but he had to consciously think about where he was placing his feet and arm crutches in every moment. Remember, he had a habit of placing his foot to the side when he walks so every day and in every moment he was consciously choosing to straighten his foot and relearn the pattern of walking that he had been using for so long. It was amazing to watch the strength and determination resonate from this little boy. Of course, he had his mom back there cheering him on and telling him when his foot was crooked or straight and Eleanor (Ethan's 3 year old sister) even cheered him on to keep going when he was getting tired. She would come over to him look him straight in the eye as she crouched down to get right in his face and say, "Come on Ethan, you can do it!" I would just smile and thank God that we never have to do this alone. By the end of the week Ethan was beginning to master his new walking pattern and the steps had become allot easier to climb. Ironically, Ethan was rewarded in a most unusual way!

Several of the coaches had noticed Ethan throughout the week. One day, one of the coaches asked if Ethan would be interested in a mini private soccer lesson. "Just to kick the ball around", as he said. I asked Ethan that day and he seemed very hesitant. He didn't want to have a lesson. I think he felt pretty self conscious about the whole thing. So, I let it go and prayed that if this was supposed to happen that it would come together easily. The next morning, Ethan asked me, "Mom, do you remember when that man asked if I wanted to do that thing you were talking about?" "You mean the soccer lesson?", I replied. "Yeay", he said. "I want to do it." He remarked with a tiny smile beginning to form on the corners of his mouth. "Ok, let me see what can be done." I said. By this time it was the last full day of camp and everyone was busy trying to finish their agendas. I just prayed again asking for this to be done if it was supposed to be and the opportunities began to fall into place for Ethan. The camp director approached me about an email I had sent the night before, thanking him for the offer and declining the invitation for a mini soccer lesson. Ironically, I had confused one of the coaches as the camp director and sent the email to the wrong person. Well, the director approached me and started talking about how they wanted to start a soccer program for kids with special needs and that he knows I had mistaken him for someone else but that this had sparked his interest in the possibility of developing a program. I told him that Ethan had changed his mind since yesterday and that he now wanted to kick a ball around. Before we knew it, Ethan had 5 coaches around him teaching him some key soccer techniques and Ethan taught them how much he really CAN do. Ethan was thrilled! For 20 minutes he was surrounded by a bunch of guys eager to see him succeed. It was thrilling and inspiring to watch. They were amazed at what Ethan could do and Ethan was amazed at what they could do. By the time they were done Ethan went home with a camp t-shirt (just like all the other campers) and a camp soccer ball. You should have seen his face when they told him he could have a soccer ball. At home that evening soccer camp was all we could talk about at the dinner table. Both Ethan and Aiden couldn't wait to get done with dinner so that they could take their Dad out to the back yard and play 2 on 1 soccer. For almost an hour I heard screams of laughter as the kids continued to play and finally won the soccer game against their Dad. The next day Ethan wore his soccer camp shirt to the family day and final day of soccer camp.

These past couple of weeks have been full of wins for Ethan. His wins have helped our entire family. There is no doubt that Ethan will achieve everything he sets out to do. Every time I question whether or not we are on the right path or if Ethan will ever walk, run or have bowel and bladder continence I am given a rose in some form. I ask God to show me clearly and the roses come. They come when I least expect them and then I suddenly remember that I had just asked for confirmation 15 minutes ago, an hour ago, or earlier that day. It is an unexplainable 'feeling' inside a 'knowing' that it will all work out and that Ethan is miraculously healing before our very eyes. Six years ago, I had a vision of a little boy about 8 or 9 years old running down a ramp to a man in a canoe. I was across the lake watching from the shore as this young boy climbed into the boat. When I took a closer look I saw that the boy was Ethan and the man in the canoe was my husband, Andy. This vision has kept me going and it has kept me believing all these years. Jesus once said, "Don't be afraid; just believe." With this, we put all our fears aside and we know that all we have to do is "just believe".

Ethan's Web (part 6)

2009-06-11T13:38:00.003-04:00

It is very quiet this morning as I write this blog. My kids are sleeping and the day is just beginning. There have been many more changes in our lives the past week. The kids finished there last week of school for the summer. We had Ethan's final Individualized Education Plan (IEP) meeting for the coming school year in 2009-2010. This takes place every year in order to prepare for the following school year and all the extra services he may need. In the past we would talk about how Ethan's education is going and what extra support services he would need and how to incorporate them for the coming school year. Usually, we had physical therapy to help him out with any school issues of getting around and becoming independent with classroom management such as opening and closing doors, carrying items, etc. All things you have to think about a little more when your hands are tied up with holding arm crutches while walking. We also use the social worker to help with social skills and establishing relationships with other children. This is a tricky task, in my opinion. Somehow, you show up as an adult in the school and teach kids how to cooperate, make friends, and interact with each other. Ethan was always a bit shy about making friends with other kids his age so we thought this would help give him the extra boost he needed to stretch his limits. Then there is the resource teacher that helps Ethan catch up on some of his academic skills. I believe he is behind because of having to learn how to move the past 8 years instead of an inability to learn. While most kids were learning their ABC's Ethan was learning how to walk. But this year, Ethan has made tremendous gains. He has grown and blossomed in astronomical ways. He is functioning like a typical first grader entering second grade even thought he is truly a second grader who is supposed to be entering third grade. For this reason and many others that would take me pages to talk about we decided to give Ethan 'another year of growth' as they call it. He will be repeating second grade. For good reasons. He has all the skills of a typical 1st grader and I would like him to, for once in his life, be at the top of his class. He has friendships with children that he has never had before. He is reading and writing just like his typical 1st grade peers and he is finally very independent in the class. All of our hard work the past three (academic) years is finally 'paying off'. He is just like all the other kids except he is only one year older. Goodness, if I had to walk with arm crutches all day I too would be a little intimidated the first couple years of school life. So we are giving him a chance to excel socially and emotionally which will definitely help out his cognitive and physical growth. Kids as well as adults all have social, emotional, mental and physical layers that all need to be balanced. We are giving Ethan the opportunity for all his layers to come together and finally integrate. It is this balance that is a part of his healing and with this balance he will be even stronger than ever before in all areas of his life. That is what the present and the coming year of his life is all about; balance and integration.

So, getting back to the IEP meeting...
As a parent it was my responsibility to convey this 'knowing' to the faculty that governs his IEP and gives him the support services. I think of the support staff as angels that stand behind Ethan encouraging and nudging him to grow and prosper. On the physical layer of his development were the angels of physical therapy, his support aide (to help him get around school with confidence), and occupational therapy. On the social/emotional layer was the social worker helping with his relationships with his peers and his self confidence. His support aide, Ruth, also helped him out with this during the day as well. Actually, she has been his ARCH ANGEL as we should call her. Her job was to float in and out of his life daily helping him with various events through out the day such as getting on and off the bus (yep, I made Ethan take the bus with arm crutches, back pack, and all), helped him get used to going to the bathroom and changing his pull up regularly, with learning how to manage and carry all of his books and papers throughout the day, etc. etc. Whatever he needed to work on, Ruth made sure it was carried through. She was not by his side all day (this would be too distracting and he did not need someone there all the time)but like I said, she would come in and out of his day and help out at certain recommended times. Lastly, the teachers and the resource room teacher of course would help Ethan out with his mental layer and the development of his academic skills. All of these angels would help him daily trying to figure out the best ways to encourage and help him along. Other angels would float in and out of his life through out the school year to help us determine more of his strengths and needs but overall it was everyone working together that had made the year so successful. I had made it clear to the staff that Ethan was to remain in the classroom this year and not be pulled out for any services. This took some time and some out of the box thinking but in the end they pulled it off and showed that keeping Ethan in the classroom this year was even more beneficial to him than years passed. You see, Ethan is just like any other kid and just has some extra development to accomplish. So, lets treat him like any other kid by keeping him in the classroom (because eventually he is going to be in the class all the time anyway) and have the services come in and out as they are deemed necessary to work on the specific goals we want Ethan to achieve. But taking him in and out of the classroom to provide services would merely stunt the growth opportunity of his younger years. As a parent, you have to think about what you want for your child and how to go about obtaining those future goals. Getting Ethan to function typically in the classroom was not going to happen if we had to pull him out of the classroom all the time in order to learn. He needs the opportunity to learn just like any other kids in the classroom. I have always envisioned a typical life for Ethan where 'struggle' is not in his vocabulary. These services are here to help him break out of his cocoon that he feels so 'safe' inside, dry off his wings, and push him to fly. So far, we have helped him break out of his cocoon and he has dried off his wings. He knows how to fly and next year is the opportunity to do this.

So, in his IEP I wanted it stated that he would NOT be pulled out of the classroom for ANY support services except in the hallway or to the side of the class in case we needed to have 10-15 minutes of individual time to focus and reconnect with one of his angels. For some reason, this became a big problem for the support staff. They could not envision not having the luxury of taking Ethan out of the class room if they needed to reach one of their goals with him. I insisted that they keep him in the class and that it was in Ethan's best interest not theirs that should be keeping him in there. I also had the support of his fabulous regular education teachers that could 'envision' this for Ethan and wanted him to stay in the classroom. They had been educated in Educational Kinesiology like me and shared the same philosophy when it came to children and learning. So, this particular morning I knew I would be walking into an IEP meeting that was resisting my request. Just 2 weeks ago we had already met to discuss this and had to break to meet again at another time after almost 2 hours of debating the issue.

In preparation for the day's event I had done something that I had not done in the past; prayed for help. I 'asked' to be provided with everything Ethan would need for the coming school year and to help me 'get' what we were searching for if this was the best thing for Ethan. I then 'let go' and trusted. I prayed this prayer for 2 weeks. Slowly, the information came. I was given contacts of people that had experience dealing with this before and who encouraged me to press on with my requests. I was even given information on what to do if I needed to appeal the process and leave another meeting without signing any papers for the following year. This information came through paying attention to the signs. Casual conversations would lead me to the answers and I would have a sense of 'knowing' that the information that I needed was being given to me. I did not have to force anything. Through prayer and 'letting go' it came. Of course I did the work but the work was not as difficult as it had been in the past. In the past, I would worry and spend an enormous amount of time and energy calling, researching, and investigating every aspect of this as I could to see how I would be able to get what I wanted. This time I decided that with all the time and energy I had been spending on so many other aspects of Ethan's life and my other 2 kids I simply had no energy left to do what I thought was required in the first place and I would have to just leave it up to the universe to help me out. I say universe because I use the terms 'God' and 'universe' interchangeably sometimes. Not that I am disrespecting the divine but that I have beliefs that there is not just one path to 'God'. Anyhow, back to letting go...

That very morning, I woke up and meditated/prayed just like any other morning. I was consumed with some anxiety that morning about how the meeting would progress. I opened one of my inspirational books and turned to the page that talked about 'Listening to the Word'. I resisted this and quickly tried to turn to another page but knew that 'Listening' was my message that I was supposed to embrace for the day. I could not understand why. I am not going in there to listen I am going in there to fight for what my son needs for next year! Listening was not what I 'thought' I was supposed to be doing. I needed words to inspire me to press forward with my beliefs not to be told to listen! I was taken back by this idea and kind of mad that I was being told to listen. But, I went forward with my day.

When I arrived at the school for our meeting I was told that we would have our conference in the teachers lounge instead of the usual conference room. I had to ask where this was because I had never been there before. I was directed into the room. When I entered I was greeted by the Director of Special Education sitting just behind a flowered centerpiece filled with all types of purple and yellow flowers and PINK ROSES. I greeted the director, went to put my hand bag on the ground and noticed, as I glanced at the very spot I was to drop my bag, that a small spider crawled across the floor. I immediately thought of Ethan and the WEB he had been creating. Suddenly, I was filled with calm. I knew that I really was just supposed to LISTEN. So, we sat making small talk as we waited for the other participants to arrive. Eventually, we were all there. Ethan's regular education teachers and his special education teachers and support staff. The director began the meeting. I listened. As she spoke, she explained that after careful review they had decided that writing in the IEP that Ethan should remain in the class was possible and that they would be willing to do this on the condition that they could pull him aside for 10-15 minutes within the classroom or the hallway if necessary and that we would reconvene if the situation does not seem to be working out after a period of time. As she spoke, I felt that little girl inside me start to jump up and down with excitement and shout, "Hurray! Hurray! We asked, we believed, and we received!"

Of course, I was incredibly relieved that we did not have to continue to fight and that 'letting go' and 'trusting' had worked. We spend far too much time worrying and 'thinking' we have to do it all instead of 'listening' and feeling what we are being called to do. Personally, I don't call upon the universe, the angels, and God for help enough. I spend far too much time worrying and trying to figure it all out when it has already been done for me. All I have to do is ask and pay attention to the signs. So, finally, I think I have learned an incredibly valuable lesson. To ask and have faith that I will receive. Wow! There is so much that goes into that statement that I can not even begin to wrap my mind around it in this moment. For now, I choose to follow my purpose in life and trust that when I ask I will always receive. There is one thing I do know, Ethan has played a large role in teaching me this.

With that thought I lead to another... We have decided that Ethan will have the surgery with Dr. Xiao in China. We are just waiting for confirmation on the exact date so that we can start planning our trip. Ahhhhhhh! FAITH & TRUST, faith and trust, faith and trust. I am, I am, I am. WE ASKED AND NOW WE WAITE TO RECEIVE!

Ethan's Web (part 5)

2009-06-05T13:40:00.002-04:00

The synchronicities in our life just keep coming. There are so many that I have to keep writing in order to keep up and keep track of them all. Yesterday, I took Ethan to his Neurophysiological appointment. It was a 2 hour appointment where the Doctor put Ethan through a bunch of testing in order to determine which of his nerves were functioning 'the best' and which were not. When we walked into the waiting room we were immediately greeted by a vase of a dozen pink roses. I was happy to see the roses but could not understand why I needed this further confirmation why we were to be there. We had this appointment planned for several weeks now, Dr. Xiao needs this information in order to do the surgery, and I felt confident about what we were doing. So I made not of the roses and said a quick 'thank you' in my head.

Everything seemed to be going fine during the testing. The Doctor did a whole bunch of standard neurological testing. Curious, as I should be, I asked the Doctor if this was all the information he needed for Dr. Xiao. He said that this was only part of the procedure and that he had more testing to do. 'OK', I thought. At the end of the first part the Doctor said that it was now time to go into the other room to do the electrical testing and the pin pricks. Mind you, he said this OUT LOUD in front of Ethan who FREAKS at the thought of getting a shot in the Doctors office. He freaked so much one time that he manged to head butt me in the nose while I was trying to hold him so that he could get a shot done quickly. We managed to get Ethan into the other room and up on the testing table. But then it was time for the electric current testing. After, much consoling and talking we finally were able to get Ethan to do the test but he still cried and resisted and freaked every time the machine buzzed. It was a small current that they would send through you skin to get your muscles to move. Yes, I would be freaked too if I was a little kid. But I had remembered the roses in the waiting room and finally understood why I had been given that last minute confirmation. Next came the pin pricks. Unfortunately, the Doctor had shown a needle that he kept some sticky gel in in order to keep the electrodes moist and able to stick to the skin. Ethan absolutely went crazy when he saw that needle! I would too if I thought someone was going to stick that into me. We tried explaining to him that he was not getting the shot and that it was just a gel inside the needle used to make the electrodes moist. I don't think he heard us amongst all the crying and screaming. So, I stood there and just prayed. I prayed for God to take over this situation and to have the angels surround us and calm us down. Of course I did this all in my head. I wasn't getting down on my knees asking for divinity to come in and make this situation miraculously get better. Although, that would have been nice, I did pray for guidance and a miracle. It took a couple of minutes but Ethan began to calm down enough that he could hear us over his yelling and crying. He now knew that he was not getting that shot. But then the Doctor pulled out what he actually did need to do. He had a small needle about 1 inch long and the thickness of a small paper clip that he needed to stick into Ethan's left leg in 5 various positions in order to confirm the health of his lumbar nerves. Again, Ethan began to cry, yell, and carry on. So much that I started to feel that we were not going to get the information we needed and this really wasn't worth it in the first place. I asked the Doctor if we had to have this done and he said that the surgeon needs this information to be sure he was taking a healthy nerve but he did not know if he could do the surgery with out it. He was just following the research protocol and that every child had received this test.

Once again, I began to pray and once again Ethan began to calm down enough that I could talk to him. But now I was getting anxious or had already been anxious but was doing a nice job of containing it. I began to get irritated and loud and at one point told Ethan to "forget it and to get his socks and shoes on because we were leaving." Then Ethan said, "No, I want to do it but I am scared." With this, I saw hope. So, I pressed on. It took 15 minutes going back and forth of me saying we were going to leave and Ethan saying no that he wanted to stay and do it and then another moment where the Doctor walked out of the office out of complete frustration but some how some where Ethan found the strength and the courage to actually lie down and let this complete stranger stick a 1 inch needle into his legs in 5 different places. I cringed watching this and had to turn away several times. Of course, I did not let Ethan know how I was feeling I just stood by the head of the exam table and held his hand and stroked his forehead. By this time he was covered in sweat and had hair sticking to his forehead like he had just run a 5 mile race. Within 5 minutes the testing was over. Ethan was given 2 stickers (a small reward compared to the task he had just overcome) & we went out into the waiting room to wait for our report. I saw the roses again and now finally understood exactly why I had been given this confirmation in the beginning.

A couple hours later after Ethan and I had lunch together and an opportunity to bond again after I had taken him through this terrible ordeal we drove over to Pee Wee Patch for a meeting. I am still trying to keep my therapy practice going and we had plans to develop a program at a near by day care/after school care/summer program. I spent some time in the front lobby talking to a friend of mine about the appointment we just had. We talked about 'the roses' and how they seem to pop up and confirm things for us concerning Ethan when we need them too. My friend agreed that I needed to keep writing about this and with that I looked down at a small hand held calendar on her desk and saw a very tiny rose. I showed it to her and we laughed! Then later on the same day after Ethan and I had taken our daily 40 minute drive over to Physical Therapy I sat in the waiting room and watched as a 5 year old girl ran into the waiting room back to her mom after completing therapy. On her left pants leg were three roses near her ankles. I just smiled, took note, and was thankful for the continued confirmation.

These three roses had reminded me of a dear friend back in Pennsylvania who had given me an angel with three pink roses 8 years ago after Ethan was born. Her name is Kay and she had been on my mind for quite some time now. So often, that every time I passed by a building in our area named 'Kay Industries' I thought of her and knew that I had to call or write. Last minute, during this same day in one of my quick stops home before running off to the next appointment, I had looked in a place where I store old letters and journals from years past. I found one of Kay's letters with her address on it and decided that I would write her while I was waiting for Ethan during his therapy. These three roses on this little girl's pants leg reminded me to follow through and pull out some paper to write. I opened the letter Kay had written me years back and found not only her address but her phone number! At first, I tried to write her a quick note but the folks in the waiting room happened to be very chatty that day and I knew that I would not be getting anything done. So, slipped out the door into the hallway and gave the phone number a try.

Kay picked up immediately and she was so EXCITED that I had called. We talked for some time and I was able to tell her everything that had been going on in our lives. Kay is a beautiful woman who believes with out a doubt that Ethan will walk independently (without arm crutches) and have bowel and bladder continence one day. She felt this from the beginning. We used to work in the schools together in PA. I was an Occupational Therapist and she was the support staff for one of the buildings. She would pray daily for Ethan and she said from day 1 that she would pray for him for the rest of his life. I knew she always had because I would think of her often and feel her praying for him. She is always so firm in her beliefs and convincing. She 'knows' with out a doubt and she will not hesitate to tell you so. I have always needed the support of Kay by my side. I believe that Ethan will do all of these things too but when you have a friend like Kay who believes as well it makes it all the more powerful!

So, Kay prayed for Ethan and our family on the phone and committed to getting all of her friends and family to pray for him too. She said that she is so happy that I called because she would pray for Ethan daily but she now knew exactly what to pray for. We finally hung up and I was relieved that more people (especially Kay) would be praying for our son.

This morning Kay called me with some exciting news. She told me that she had prayed last night and this morning for Ethan and she had told several others to do the same. Kay loves to watch certain Christian shows on TV and on this particular morning was looking for a particular show but settled for a different channel when she could not find what she was looking for. The woman on the channel announced, "I love what we are going to be talking about today. Today we are going to be talking ALL ABOUT CHINA & HOW GOD LOVES CHINA!" Kay nearly fell over. She remembered one of my past blogs and how I had described how awareness comes to us in many forms and often when we least expect it. Now here she was experiencing exactly what I had talked about. She then knew that she needed to call me and tell me what had happened. I was certainly glad she did. Now, it wasn't just me who was getting confirmation it was others as well. As we spoke on the phone I had music playing in the other room and I could hear "Calling All Angels" by Train playing in the back ground. The line goes something like this..."I need a sign, tell me why I'm here, the lines seem so unclear." Then I looked over and saw one of my favorite books on the shelf "Love, Medicine, & Miracles" by Bernie S. Seigel, M.D. Lastly, before we hung up, Kay prayed for us again, and in the back ground played "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall. It went, "Suddenly I see, why this all means so much to me, suddenly I see, suddenly I see why this means all so much to me".

With this I suddenly 'see' why this all really means so much to me. Why it has always meant so much to me that Ethan walk with out arm crutches and physically be completely healed. Why? Because I believe in the power of God and I believe that Ethan was sent to us to show us that the power of God is limitless and that with him anything is possible. We are given the answers to our prayers every day. Are we awake enough to notice the signs and follow the path? I don't always think that I am and I certainly do fail often but every time I pray and meditate I am able to keep going and 'see' why this really all does mean so much to me!!

Ethan's Web (part 4)

2009-06-03T13:45:00.002-04:00

So, much has happened this past week and 1/2 that I need to list all the events. But first, I must say this...The reason I have not been writing more often is because I am exhausted. I have been physically and emotionally tired. But today, I feel that I have been given the energy to write, so here I am.

Recently, after writing the last blog I had been overwhelmed with support from all of you. The prayers and healing have been heard and felt. People have written me emails and letters telling me that they are reading Ethan's blog and praying for us daily. For this, I am so grateful. I know that prayer heals. And your prayers are working. The road to Ethan's healing is getting easier. Clarity has come into my eyes. I see us going to China to have this surgery for him. I see an incredible purpose behind this journey. I can not tell you what it is but I can tell you that I now 'know'. I had been praying for clarity, like many of you, and with the recent events (that I will explain) clarity has come. I must say that my clarity is 'my own'. It is not completely shared by our entire family. For some there is still doubt and some fears and I respect and honor this. I know that if we are to go that everything will fall into perfect divine order. It is my job to simply be aware of the signs and to follow the path. Simple, right? Ha! We'll see how simple it is when I talk about all my emotional breakdowns and insecurities I have had. (; But seriously, I have Faith.

On May 26th, I sat in my living room filled with doubt again. I knew we were supposed to be meeting with Dr. Xiao (from China) sometime this week to talk about the surgery for Ethan. He happened to be visiting the states to be involved in the research that was being done at a hospital close to home. We had given him our phone number to call us when he had a spare moment to meet. We had given the research coordinator our phone number to give to Dr. Xiao to call us so that we could meet. We had talked with the American Doctor about meeting with Dr. Xiao and that we hoped this could be arranged since they were working together this week. It was out of my hands. There was nothing more I could do, but wait. So, there I sat, and began to pray. I was filled with so much anxiety that I knew of nothing else that could calm me. I told God, "Please let this work out if this is supposed to be. Please have them call me today and let us meet with Dr. Xiao. I am having trouble God, help me through this." I kid you not...10 minutes later...the phone rings...it is Detroit Medical Center calling to schedule Ethan's Physical Therapy evaluation to begin therapy next week. (Kevin has a habit of calling with such divine timing). Then after I hang up the phone...the phone rings again...it is the research coordinator asking if I can bring Ethan to see Dr. Xiao now and when can I be there. Ahhhh!!!! Ironically, my husband calls on my cell phone a few moments later and before I know it I am on the land line with the research coordinator planning our time to meet and on the cell phone with my husband so that he can 'listen in' and make plans to meet us there. Incredibly, the baby sitter came to pick up my other kids at the bus stop and I took Ethan to go see Dr. Xiao with my husband.

On the car ride over I am filled with excitement and anxiety. There are so many questions, would we be able to get our answers? We walked into the urology office at the hospital and were introduced to Dr. Xiao. We sat down together and he explained what he would be doing during the surgery, the risks, and the benefits. He is a calm and assured soul. It turns out that he feels that the surgery will most likely give Ethan bowel and bladder function and that it is a simple procedure that he will do for us in China. As I watched him talk I could feel a sense of 'knowing' come through my body. I just knew.

And my husband, who was still doubtful, expressed his greatest fear of Ethan loosing motor control due to the surgery. And the possibility of the surgery not even working. Dr. Xiao believes that this will not be the case for Ethan and in the end when we were leaving explained that he feels that the surgery might even help him to walk better. There are nerves that have been restricted due to scar tissue in the area that they would be working and through the surgery they may be able to free up those nerves and thus allow the nerves to do their job and help Ethan gain more lower motor function. Several times, Dr. Xiao looked at Ethan and watched his walking and repeated that the surgery may even help his walking too.

We left encouraged, thankful, grateful for our meeting. We even found out that Dr. Xiao would rather do the surgery around Christmas break due to his schedule. A part of us was relieved at the idea of waiting until December. We could have even more information by then to help us make our decision and it gives us more time to prepare.

On Friday, May 29th, Ethan and I drove to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor to meet with Dr. Park for a previously scheduled urology appointment. We had scheduled this months ago when I had 'let go' and decided it was time to start learning to catheterize and do enemas to help Ethan remain dry. My reasoning for keeping the appointment was that at least we would have another option if the Xiao procedure was not for us. Amazingly, Ethan had a very tough time this day. He DID NOT want to be catheterized and to do the enemas and he made it VERY clear. We had a 90 minute appointment that turned into 3 hours due to his perseverance. We finally were able to get the testing we needed to be sure his bladder and kidneys were functioning normally but by the time it came to teaching us how to catheterize and perform enemas we were both so emotionally exhausted that I could not even focus. We were still given the information and some of the supplies we needed but have been unable to follow through with the recommendations. I am just too tired to fight.

Dr. Park did have some encouraging things to say about the Xiao procedure and he was very excited for the possibility and our opportunity for Ethan. He is very supportive.

Tuesday, June 2nd, we went for Ethan's Physical Therapy evaluation with Kevin and his assistant Heather. You will be hearing a lot about Kevin and Heather in the future because we will be seeing them every Tuesday and Thursday for at least the next 3 months. Kevin will be 'the guide' & Heather will be doing most of 'the work' with Ethan. They were both very encouraged and impressed with Ethan and how far he had come since the last time we had seen them (over a year ago). They were impressed with Ethan's strength, flexibility, sensation, and determination. He has muscular strength in places he did not have before, he has sensation in places he did not have before, and he is incredibly mature and determined which he was not before. All factors, that will help him to walk without arm crutches one day. Ethan's goal is to walk with one arm crutch for now and our goal is to get him strong, flexible, and able to do so; if he so chooses. So, every Tuesday and Thursday Ethan will be 'working out' for 90 minutes to increase his chances of walking independently one day. I believe we are in the best hands and I know that he will do it. "Roses" have always been a them with Ethan and his healing. I always know that I am on the 'right path' with him when I see roses, see the word 'Roses', or hear someone refer to it in conversation. I have many journal entries in which I write about roses and how synchronistic events revolve around roses and Ethan's journey of healing. On our drive home, I glanced to the right to look for on coming traffic and from the corner of my eye saw the street sign "La Rose Blvd". Then, I knew that driving 40 minutes to and from therapy every day is exactly what we are supposed to do. So, please feel free to remind me of this later in the summer when we are exhausted and wondering why we are doing this!

Ethan also decided to watch 'Evan Almighty' on the way to and from therapy in the car. There is a line in that movie where 'God' says to Evan's wife, "If you pray for patience, God gives you the opportunity to be patient. If you pray for courage, God gives you the opportunity to be courageous, etc. etc." All I could think of was "I pray for Ethan's healing every day and every day he gives us the opportunity for Ethan to heal." Amen.

Also, in the past week I had made contact with an old friend, Kaz. I have blogged about him before in the past and how he was raising money for a special needs camp through a Harley Ride here in Michigan. He used Ethan as his 'poster child' for the event. He is such a kind hearted soul and we are blessed to have him a part of our lives. 'For some reason' I had been thinking of him A LOT and decided to finally make contact with him over email. 5 minutes after I sent my email to him he called me on the phone and said, "I can't believe you just emailed me! I was just thinking of you and Ethan and wondering how you were doing!" "Here we go again", I think in my head. Another link in the web of Ethan's healing. I don't know what part Kaz will take but I have a feeling he is going to be a special part of our journey. Thank you Kaz, for coming along for our ride!

Lastly, I have been given daily confirmations that we are on the right path, the path to China and Ethan's continued healing. For instance, our good friend and Naturopath (Hallie) was thinking of Ethan the past weekend & knew she had to tell me that Ethan should be taking a certain supplement that will help with nerve connections. Or, I will be climbing the StairMaster at the gym and I will glance across and see that someone is reading an article on China with big red headlines "China's Strength" written across the page. In a moment of doubt I will receive a letter in the mail of someone praying for our family or an email of continued support. There is no doubt in my head that we are all connected and that the web that Ethan is weaving is bringing us all closer together. As one heals we all heal. I know that our family could not take this journey with out you. For you, I am grateful. Thank you.

Ethan's Web (part 3)

2009-05-19T21:23:00.003-04:00

Tonight, Ethan, my husband, and I consulted with the Doctor at Beaumont who is leading the research being done in the US for the nerve rerouting surgeries pioneered by Dr. Xiao from China. He was very honest and very thorough. In all honesty, it is a difficult decision to make. We could have the surgery done in China but the risk of having loss of motor functioning is pretty high. Most of the children in the American study have had to work hard with Physical Therapy to get back to baseline (where they were before the surgery). Meaning, during the surgery they have to take part of the nerve that helps us to walk and reroute it to where we need to have bladder and bowel functioning. This means that you can have anywhere from a slight lower motor function loss (ie weakness) to the inability to walk. Despite this, many of the children have had increased bowel function & some increased bladder functioning. One child has had a very promising outcome.

There is something inspiring about this child. She was someone who had one functioning nerve to use for the surgery. The doctors wondered how she was able to walk in the first place with one nerve. She walked with arm crutches and the Doctors believed that if there was someone that this procedure probably would not work on, it would be her. She had many factors working against her. Despite this, her parents still wanted to go through with the procedure. It took her the longest of all the participants to recover and after the surgery she could not walk. But, she worked hard for a year and returned to baseline (where she was before the surgery). She is the only one that has complete bowel and bladder functioning. I remember talking to the research coordinator over a year ago about this child and how passionate her parents were about going ahead with the procedure. Now, I did not talk to these parents myself but I felt a sense of 'belief' among them as the research coordinator explained the situation over the phone. I never forgot their story and always wondered how she did. I believe these parents knew something that most of us fail to recognize many times; they had faith. They went with their inner voices and insisted that their daughter have the surgery. They worked hard and the outcome was phenomenal.

So, tonight, we sit on the fence. Debating back and forth in our minds the pros and cons. There is a real chance that this could work and there is a real chance that it could not work. There are so many factors that have already lined up for us.
1. The fact that my sister in law lives in Shanghai where that surgery would take place.
2. It would be at the most technologically advanced hospital in China.
3. The man who has done over 1,500 surgeries would be doing this himself.
4. The Doctor who is researching here in America would help do the follow ups we would need when we would get back.
5. We have the best Physical Therapist in the country to help Ethan out after surgery recovery.

OK... the cons...the doubts...the fears...
1. We don't know for sure if this will even work.
2. Ethan could loose motor functioning that we worked so hard to get in the first place.

So, tonight, tomorrow, and the next day we wait patiently to keep gathering information to make the best decision we can. We have a meeting with Dr. Xiao next week. He 'just happens' to be coming to America for more surgeries about 25 minutes away from where we live. When I called him last night (morning time for him) he 'just happened' to pick up right away and be available to talk, answer some questions, and set up a possible time for us to meet next week.

Today and tonight, and every day I pray for clarity. "Dear God, Please give me a clear sign so that we will know with out a doubt that we should follow through with this surgery or that we should not. I need clarity here! Thank you, Amen"

On the drive over to our appointment tonight and on the way home it seemed like every song we listened to on the radio had the words, 'faith, love, believe, and healing' in the lyrics. Of course, I just listened and took it all in.
When I was preparing my youngest one, Eleanor, for a bath tonight I turned on the Celine Dion CD that 'just happened' to be in my CD player in my bathroom. I have not listened to this CD for many months and had forgotten it was in the CD player. The first song went like this...

The Power of a Dream
Deep within each heart
There lies a magic spark
That lights the fire of our imagination
And since the dawn of man
The strength of just "I can"
Has brought together people of all nations

There’s nothing ordinary
In the living of each day
There’s a special part
Every one of us will play

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
As the world gives us its best
To stand apart from all the rest
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

Your mind will take you far
The rest is just pure heart
You’ll find your fate is all your own creation
Every boy and girl
As they come into this world
They bring the gift of hope and inspiration

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
The world unites in hope and peace
We pray that it will always be
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

There’s so much strength in all of us
Every woman child and man
It’s the moment that you think you can’t
You’ll discover that you can

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
The world unites in hope and peace
We pray that it will always be
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
The world unites in hope and peace
We pray that it will always be
It is the power of the dream that brings us

The power of the dream
The faith in things unseen
The courage to embrace your fear
No matter where you are
To reach for your own star
To realize the power of the dream
To realize the power of the dream

WOW! Was this the clarity I had been praying for? All I know is that there is a little boy named Ethan who has given the world a gift of healing. He is bringing people together from all over the world. I thank him for this and I honor him for this. And I thank you for joining us. We could not do this with out you.

As Celine sings it best,
"There’s so much strength in all of us
Every woman child and man
It’s the moment that you think you can’t
You’ll discover that you can"

Thank you & please share our story

To continue...

Ethan's Web (part 2)

2009-05-12T14:31:00.003-04:00

Well, I said in my last blog that I would explain how I came up with the title of this series called "Ethan's Web". For a long time now I had been trying to make something out of everything that has happened in Ethan's life. I would try to find the jewel in every obstacle and every hurdle that we have ever had to overcome. One of those jewels is the amount of self reflection and self healing that comes with having a child that is different or has special needs. All children have lessons to teach us adults and my relationship with Ethan has been no different. When Ethan came into this world 8 years ago I had no idea of the tremendous amount of responsibility it would entail to raise this child. Or the stress that could come from people constantly knocking us down and telling us that there was one more thing that he could not do or that he would always have problems with. What I have come to understand that is that the healing comes in your child when you learn to do your own healing. When you can change your perception of your reality is when the real miracles begins.

I never have agreed with anyone who has ever said that Ethan would have this difficulty or that problem. Countless hours have been spent in my life debating over whether or not Ethan would fall into the category of limitations that are put on a child with Spina Bifida or any other diagnosis. Labels have a sense of limitation attached to them. They are chains that are put on your child that can be very difficult to break. People look at you differently and feel a sense of 'giving up' and the expectation is just not there. So, each person that comes in contact with Ethan I am sure to ask, "Do you believe in miracles?" With this question often comes a look of shock or disbelief. "What do you mean?" is often the response. Or they will reply, "Well, yes, miracles happen all the time but this is different." What is so different about believing that anything is possible for your child versus believing that spring will come or that the sun rises in the morning and that the moon shines at night? What is so different about expecting a flower to open or a tree to instinctively grow leaves in the spring from a mother's knowing that her child can do absolutely anything? The only difference I see is the courage to believe. The courage to believe that absolutely anything is possible. The courage to believe that one day my little boy will have bowel and bladder control. The courage to believe that one day he will walk with smaller braces than what he has now and that he can walk with a cane and possibly nothing in the future. Am I crazy? No, I am just a believer. You see, life is not worth living if we can't believe that anything is possible. We must believe that only good can come from anything that is seemingly bad. I have to believe that my son can learn in school just like any other child. That there is no disability that could ever hold him back. I have to believe. And thus to support this vision I have always created a web of people around Ethan who also believe. Like a mountain lion who will protect her cubs...I will not allow you to look at my son with limitations. Because when you see limitations in others it is only limiting yourself.

Ethan's Web began after a series of synchronicities related to the book Charlotte's Web. For the past three years this book has come in and out of our lives several times. It all started with the movie and the song 'Ordinary Miracle'. The movie was popular back then and the song by Sarah McLaughlin played on the radio frequently. It was then that I had been given plenty of hints that we needed to take a trip to Shriner's Hospital for children in Chicago to see if they could help Ethan in any way. Whether it be with walking, hydrocephalus, or bowel and bladder issues. I had a hunch. My main reason for going was the bowel and bladder issues. What came from this trip was a doctor at Shriner's giving me a tip of another doctor back here in Michigan about 20 minutes from where we lived who knew about a nerve rerouting procedure being done in China. I had come all the way to Shriners in Chicago to get a name of a doctor that could help us back near our hometown. That was my intuition talking. So, when Ethan and I returned back to Michigan I looked up his name in the phone book. Of course, he was not listed but a listing in the book jumped out at me. It was the name of a urology clinic near our home. I called, and it was the same office of this doctor who we hoped would have more information. It turns out that it took several visits to see this doctor and several phone calls later to the research coordinator to find out that Ethan would not qualify for the study. The same study that we now have a direct link to the doctor who came up with the technique in China, three years later. Back then I knew. Now, I know for sure.

Since this time, my children have taken a special interest in reading the book Charlotte's Web (we have had several weeks of reading one chapter per night before bed), watching the older and newer versions on our DVD player in the car (thanks to Eleanor's persistence, my three year old), and recently going to see the live performance at a local children's theatre. I have always asked what else can I do to help Ethan and to help anyone out there who struggles with similar issues. Now, I know. During the theatrical performance, it occurred to me, "Ethan's Web". Just as Charlotte, the spider, wrote words in her web to save Wilbur's life, I can use the web to help Ethan. It was crystal clear to me. Charlotte saved Wilbur by just writing. I can help Ethan by just writing. Ethan's Web is about bringing people together to believe. Mr. Zuckerman's farm became a place of miracles. "Some Pig, Terrific, & Humble" were the words that graced Wilbur's pig pen and brought a community of people together that were thrilled to see this pig thrive and live an incredible life. So in something as simple as writing on a spider's web I am here to write on Ethan's Web. Ethan's Web is here to help everyone believe that anything is possible and that miracles do happen. Nothing is too small and no task is too large. Miracles come in all sizes. This one is about 4 foot tall, 53 pounds, and happens to go by the name of "Ethan".

Ethan's Web (part 1)

2009-05-11T11:28:00.005-04:00

Ethan's Web (part 1)

Due to a series of events lately, it has become very apparent to me that I need to share some happenings in our life. If I don't share I may just either 'go crazy' trying to figure this all out on my own or I will 'explode' with the amount of thoughts growing inside my head from all of the events that have been taking place. It concerns our son, Ethan. You see, 8 years ago, Ethan was born with a condition known as Spina Bifida. If you have never heard of this before, it is a deformity of the spine that happens in the womb the first couple of weeks of life (gestation). My husband and I had no idea that Ethan had spina bifida until the night before he was born. Since conception, his life has been a series of unexplainable synchronicities. It is as if something has been guiding him on a path of community healing all of these years. I truly believe he was born with Spina Bifida for no other reason than to bring people together. I am going to begin writing about these happenings over the past 8 years as much as I can.

Lately, we have had some more incredible synchronicities in our life that just can not be explained. You see, with Spina Bifida comes a life of irreversible bowel & bladder incontinence. This is only one of the many hurdles these children have to live with every day. For our Ethan, he has been incredibly lucky so far. He has lead a life filled with daily diaper and pull up changes. We are the lucky ones. Most kids have to be catheterized every 2-3 hours, take medications to paralyze the bladder, and use enemas to clean out the bowels every night. These can take up to a 1/2 hour every night of sitting on the 'potty', flushing the bowels with water, and just waiting for the stools to pass. I have spent years trying to figure out ways to help Ethan 'feel' and gain bowel and bladder control. We have had glimmers of hope along the way, just enough hope every time to keep us going and trying to find a way. Until recently, I had just 'given up' and decided we were finally going to get set up with a catheterizing and enema program for Ethan. We even still have an appointment in the next couple of weeks to follow through with this kind of program. But in the meantime, something incredible has happened.

For over a year now I had been trying to get Ethan into a nerve rerouting research study at a local hospital. I had given it my all and tried every angle I could to get him in. But, because he walks with arm crutches they would not consider him. This was his only disqualifying factor. We have never done any other interventions that would have crossed him off the list except for getting him to walk confidently with arm crutches. He is very good at walking too. He can climb snow mounds and use his crutches as parallel bars while he does acrobatic tricks with his legs. The research study uses a procedure developed by Dr. Chuan-Gua Xiao of China where he takes spinal nerves and reroutes them in order to help with connections needed in the sacrum area for emptying the bladder completely on your own. Dr. Xiao claims a 87-90% success rate. These kids are often able to 'pee' on demand after a period of time. Their bodies just adjust and heal on their own making volitional bowel and bladder control possible! Well, I found out about this study over a year ago and had tried every angle to get Ethan included. But, they would not consider him. So, I let go.

Until, something extraordinary happened. About a month ago I received an email from my sister in law, Holli, who had just moved to China in December due to her husbands company. She had just finished working with Doctors at a hospital in China through a program call 'Love without Boundaries'. During her volunteer time she helped out any way she could with Chinese children who received cleft palate repairs for free. In the process, she became friends with one of the Doctors who knew Dr. Xiao. Through their conversations together this Doctor learned about Ethan who then offered to connect Holli to Dr. Xiao to see if he would do the 'Xiao procedure' on Ethan in order to help him. Holli had no idea that I had been trying to get Ethan in on this study back in America over a year ago. She was just thrilled that someone may be willing to help Ethan with something that promised bowel and bladder continence success! So, when she emailed me with the news I almost fell over. Actually, I began to cry. I cried allot. My husband and I were at dinner and I could hardly contain my feelings. Could this be the answer to our prayers? Because, God knows that I pray every day for Ethan to have bowel and bladder continence and to walk independently one day. I didn't know for sure if this was everything we had hoped it to be but you could not deny the divine synchronicity of the whole thing.

I mean...just think about it...I had been working on this for quite some time back here in America and I had given up trying everything I could to help Ethan out. My sister in law moves to China in December and unknowingly makes contact with the man who invented the procedure that claims bowel and bladder continence for kids with spina bifida. One can not deny how incredible this was. When my sister in law found out we had known all about the procedure and had been trying to get Ethan in the study in America, she began to cry with joy. Now, we had contact with the very man, Dr. Xiao, who agreed to do the procedure on Ethan if we brought him to China.

Currently, we are in the process of deciding what to do next. Dr. Xiao has agreed to do this procedure in China at his new hospital that is opening in Shanghai in August. Our sister in law lives 15 minutes from the hospital and we obviously have a place to stay if we decide to do this.

Bowel and bladder continence would be an undeniable tremendous gift to Ethan. He struggles with this every day. This would help his self confidence and self esteem tremendously and we could go places and do things as a family we ordinarily could not do before. Most importantly, Ethan would have a new sense of freedom that was never there before. How wonderful that would be for him.

For now, we have allot to sort through and we are just looking for more guidance and direction as to what to do next. We were told to have a neurophysiological test done and the synchronicities that lined up to have this procedure done were incredible. At first, the secretary did not want to let us have the test done and insisted that we go through 'the study' here in America in order to get signed up for the test. Well, this would have just put another hurdle we would have had to get over in order to get Dr. Xiao the information he needs. The next day, after our prior phone conversation where she sent me away, the secretary called me up and apologized for refusing to set up an appointment and said, "God has laid his hands on you and has brought this opportunity so we will do whatever we can to get you in to see the doctor and have the test done." She told us that the soonest appointment would be within a month but she would put us on the emergency list in order to get us in as soon as their was a cancellation in the schedule. As I heard her words, my throat began to close up and I began to cry. I told her thank you as best as I could behind my tears of joy.

The next series of synchronicities was when Ethan's former physical therapist just happened to call and check up on how we were doing. His name is Kevin. Their is an incredible history their that I will have to save for another blog. But, I had been thinking of Kevin for weeks now and had not seen him in over a year with Ethan. We had become good friends after spending many therapy session getting Ethan to walk and working together (because I am also an OT). That day, I had my hand on the speed dial button to call Kevin twice. For some reason, I knew I had to speak to him but was not sure why. I said a prayer to God, "If Kevin is supposed to be a part of this whole chain of events for Ethan than connect us together." I refused to call him myself because I wanted proof that I was not making all these synchronicities up in my head! SO, later that day at about 4:50pm guess who calls me on my cell phone? Kevin!!!!!!!! I could hardly believe it when I looked at my phone! So, immediately I told him EVERYTHING! What I had been trying to do the past year with the nerve rerouting study, my sister in law making connections in China, the fear of loosing lower extremity motor control in exchange for Bowel and Bladder control, etc. etc. Kevin was so calm and just matter-of-fact about it that it put my entire mind at ease. "You just collect all the information you can and make the best decision you can." So, in the mean time, we decided we would get Ethan into physical therapy as soon as possible and make him as strong as possible in order to get him to walk independently and/or just in case we decide to go to China.

There is so much more that I could go on and on to explain here in this blog, which I will continue to do. I will continue to write as much as I can whenever I can because as for now, this is the only thing that is keeping me sane through this whole thing. But truly, I know that this is a blog that is filled with connections, healing, and joy. There is something incredible that is happening and that is coming out of all of this. This series of Blogs will be titled Ethan's Web (parts 1, 2, 3 , 4, etc. etc. etc.) And how did I come up with the name? Well that in itself is a whole other story for another blog. Let's just say that there is divinity working here and that nothing else can explain all of this and everything else you will be reading. With that, I hope you keep checking back and I hope you tell others to come and read. God knows that I could use the support. We have allot to look forward to and remaining present in the moment is really difficult right now. Thank you so much for taking your time to read this and for sharing if you decide to share. We are truly grateful.

Love, Jennifer

Letting Go & Living Life

2009-04-28T15:10:00.000-04:00

Not only am I an Occupational Therapist but I am a mother to three wonderful children. My children are 8, 6, and 3 years old. They all just had birthdays the past couple of months; February, March, April. My oldest son, Ethan, was born with a condition known as Spina Bifida. Certainly, he picked the right mom to be born to because I was an Occupational Therapist for years before I had children. But anyway, parenting my oldest son has been an incredible journey; to say the least. Parenting is an incredible journey with any child but when you have a child with special needs it throws in a unique flavor to the mix. When Ethan was born I thought I knew what I was in for as a parent. After all, most of my clients had been children and working with children felt natural for me. So, how hard could parenting be? Well, let’s just say that I had more to learn than I could have ever imagined! So, you may be wondering, what have I learned? Well, one of the most important lessons that have come to me recently is the importance of living life and letting go. Letting go? How can one let go as a parent? That seems almost impossible in life and especially when you have the most important job of raising children. Well, let me expand on this a little. I have learned that children, all children, bring unique lessons into our life. If we are open and willing to learn then the process can be unmistakably rewarding. Or, if we are not ready to learn our lessons and we go into parenting thinking we know it all then we tend to learn our lessons the hard way, through heartache and regret. Parenting is a process no matter what. Whether you have a child with special needs or you don’t. Whether you are Christian, Buddhist, Chinese, Japanese, black, white, yellow, or pink. We all have lessons to learn. Our purpose as parents is as much about teaching as it is about listening, learning, and letting go. Part of the process is our choices we have to make every day. We need to ask ourselves, do the choices we make align with what we want for ourselves and our children in life? Do we know what we want in life? If not, there is a great little book out there called “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom” by Don Miguel Ruiz. It has four simple ways to live your life every day and goes through the idea that we have a choice in every moment to live this way or not to. It is up to us. Living in the moment and making these choices is a part of the process. This is the part where we get to make the choices to consciously parent and teach. Then here comes the fun part, the part where we have to learn that we can’t control everything and that we have to let go, sit back and enjoy the ride. I can’t control my 8 year olds tantrums at school because he is tired and he wants to go home. I can’t control my 3 year old who insists on coloring on the table at Starbucks instead of the coloring book in front of her. Lastly, I can’t control my 6 year olds furry over his broken slinky that he took to school when mommy warned him that taking toys to school is not always a good idea. These are daily lessons meant for them and for me. I have the opportunity to practice my beliefs and to teach about how to handle each situation and they have the opportunity to teach me about myself and how I respond to each of their behaviors. Oh yes, I understand that it is not always that simple. Believe me, I know. When all three kids are yelling, “Mommy, mommy, mommy….I need this, I want that, he took my crayon, he hurt me!”, I find myself wanting to run the other direction. On the other hand, we should look at these moments as opportunities to let go and to learn. Every moment is an opportunity to learn something about myself, something about my children, and something about the art of letting go and trusting that everything has a purpose and a reason to always work out. How could it not? When we learn to let go we learn a very powerful lesson…we cannot control the world but we can control our thoughts in this world and our reactions to what is going on in every moment. This summer, when the kids are off of school and we have so much more time to spend together I challenge you to stay present and in the moment with your children and learn to let go and let be. I bet that with this new awareness you might start to see that not having control over everything in your life and your child’s life is not so important. It allows us to be, to have joy and to just live our lives the way we were supposed to; with freedom!

Namaste

2009-02-12T11:26:00.001-05:00

namaste " to honor the place in you in which the entire world dwells-- to honor the place in you which is of love, truth, light and peace. When you are in this place and I am in this place, we are one."
Lately, the word Namaste has been standing out to me and I find it to be no coincidence that I have also around the same time become once again connected to moms of light. . i last attended moms of light before it was a blog but only a handful of mothers who met weekly to believe in miracles for our families, children and selves. It was a challenging time for me as my son, who has spina bifida, barely walked and I had so many lessons to learn. Thank you to Jen for teaching, helping me believe and supporting me as I was "waiting for my miracle".
I can remember taking my son to weekly energy sessions and seeing the word "believe" in so many different places that I could not deny it to hold a message for me. In fact at the time, I had discussed with another mother the important significance it had to me to have her agree that she had been seeing the same word. At the time, Baltimore had been doing a city wide message on billboards that all read " believe." The last few weeks the word namaste has been standing out to me. I even dreamt of it once and i, once again, believe it is no coincidence that during the same week, i became connected to moms of light again.
I believe this word holds meaning for us. What is Namaste ? traditionally, it was used as a form of greeting by the hindi.The divine spark in one that recognizes the divine spark in another. I think of moms connecting with other moms. I see us all uplifting one another to hold onto our visions, to be our divine selves, to reach out and claim the miracles that are already ours- if we only believe them to be. I used to believe that everything happens for a reason and I was a victim of what the universe had planned for me. There is no power in that and I now know that reality is what I create. Things happen because I believe or because I create them. I know it is Jen's vision to create moms of light- a place for us to be our divine selves and to support each other in creating the lives we were meant to live as mothers. And she has done this. It is time for us to uplift one another, to create our own reality, to believe, to manifest. To become the miracles that already are all around us. The miracles we already are."and when I am in that place and you are in that place, we are one." namaste. Peace and blessings to all, Kelly

I Am Inspired

2009-01-20T14:39:00.002-05:00

Today, I stood humbly in my kitchen watching the inauguration speech of Barack Obama. I had a paint brush in one hand and a paint can in the other while my daughter sat on the floor playing with her Little People toys. I had decided to paint our living room over the weekend, unknowing at the time that I would continue painting through the week into our kitchen which is only separated by a couch between the two rooms. I loved the color that my husband and I chose so much that I couldn't stop myself from continuing to spread the warm glow of the enchanting green into our kitchen. (I know that my husband will be very surprised as well as my two kids when they get home today and see the awesome color) As I stood watching our 44th president make his beautiful speech I could not help but feel inspired to write and reach out to the world. I feel that not only a decade of suffering for America is over but a decade of suffering of individuals is over as well. Mainly a decade of suffering for myself is over.
I rise today with a new breathe of fresh air. As the sun shines upon my back and I write these words, I feel an overwhelming and compelling joy that is indescribable in words. A loving joy that is excited for the days to come. Knowing that the days will come with much hard work to remain uplifted but with it a hope that we can all become connected again. That the veils of separation that have kept us apart are lifted and we can once again join together in a new realm of strength and compassion for one another. Being a Mom of Light can be lonely if we are not joined together to uplift each other. It takes work to remain on the path of miracles. It is a path that can not be done alone. After ten years of ups and downs I come to you today humbled and ready to join with you and take on a new era of love and extreme joy. We can do this together and we do not have to feel alone anymore. Being a Mom of Light means much in the world we live in. It means that we are being called to be authentic, to be ourselves, in a world that has been filled with lots of dogma. It means we don't have to be afraid to go within and be ourselves. That we can be our divine, spiritual selves, and that miracles are occurring all around us in every moment...all we have to do is open our eyes, increase our awareness in order to see them and open our hearts so that we can feel and listen to the guidance we receive.
So, I stood in my kitchen and felt tears come to my eyes and my heart begin to open even further with the hopes and dreams that lay before us. The world is filled with abundance and it is ours to have.
As I paint my walls this beautiful shade of green, I feel that I am bringing in a new hope, a new sense of spirit, of renewed strength not only into my home but into the hearts of every being that enters into my home. This sanctuary, where I live, is an expression of my feelings, and this painting makes me feel alive and renewed. We are being given a chance to begin again. We are being given a chance to live our lives the way they have always been meant to live, as our authentic selves. Divine incredible Mothers of Light around the world, I encourage you to shine so brightly that we can no longer contain the joy that lives in our hearts! So, express yourself! Be who you are! Let your light shine! In letting your light shine you give permission for dozens of others to let their light shine as well. With this, I know that miracles are happening and I pray that you will lift your veil so that you can see, can feel, and will have the courage to connect, reach out and know that miracles are all around you in your life as well.
Thank you for listening. And with this...I encourage you to write, to post your thoughts and help Mothers of Light everywhere find strength in each other. Because it has been said by the divine guru himself, Jesus, "Where ever two or more gather in prayer and in thought, miracles happen." Lets do this together. Let us connect and grow. I look forward to hearing from you.

Love and Light,
Jennifer Lauren

Moms of Light

2009-01-15T15:07:00.003-05:00

Moms of Light of Michigan

Keep checking back for new dates & meeting times! More to come!

You can always visit www.momsoflight.com for more information or contact Jennifer directly at Jen.Burkhart@comcast.net

A New Year, A New Beginning

2008-12-26T15:46:00.003-05:00

As the new year approaches I am reminded of the chance to renew and refresh my inner being. Many of us look upon the New Year in this manner. It can be a time to change old habits and begin with new more mindful ways of being. So, I would like to dedicate this blog to a new beginning. I have a vision of a blog spot that inspires and creates peace, love, and joy. A blog spot that allows us to express our true nature, our darkness and our light. A place where we can just be. A place where there are no judgements, only compassion and understanding. A place filled with miracles. I create this here with you, right now. If you would like to join me, then say so. Because it is when we let our lights shine together we allow others to let their light shine as well. So join me in shining our light together today and everyday into this new year. Keep coming back for inspiration and share this place with your friends. We will als be expanding to a new web site (momsoflight.com). You are welcome to join me there as well, as we keep building and creating this miraculous place. As we encourage each other to expand our individual lights we are in turn creating a heaven here on earth. So thank you for participating and coming back in the future.

Sincerely with love and light,

Jennifer Lauren

Piece Number 2

2007-07-26T13:21:00.000-04:00

Have no doubts…it will all work out.

Have no fear, have no doubt, it will all work out. The phrase is something to consider. Imagine a world, a life that has no fear, which is not plagued by doubt. Fear and doubt is the ego questioning everything that you do or that you are going to do. Look, listen, deep into your soul there is a little voice in there waiting to be heard. She is speaking; she is calling out to you. "Listen to me…it has been a long time since you have heard what I have to say." Pay attention to her. She knows all, she knows everything. She has many words of wisdom to guide you. She is you. You. Yes, she is you. Listen to her. Deep within, within your soul there is guidance that has always been there. Somewhere along the way we stopped listening to that inner guidance. As we grew up it became hazy and then plummeted into a deep fog. Well, I am here to tell you that the fog is beginning to lift and now she is calling out to you. Listen to what she has to say…"Have no doubts, no doubts, no doubts…it all works out." Every word, every action, every deed is done for a reason, an incredible reason. Nothing you do or say is ever wrong. Wrong is something you were taught when you were little. It was wrong to do this, it was wrong to do that. All the things you were told not to do, that you were scolded for. I am telling you, your soul is telling you that there is no wrong. You are a divine masterpiece. Everything you have gone through thus far has taken you to where you are right now. And where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be. So embrace the fears, embrace the doubts, feel them for what they are, a divine creation of you. In loving the fears and the doubt you love yourself, and what a beautiful gift to give yourself and all those who surround you. When you love yourself, you love the world. In embracing fear you embrace the world.

Re-member, all fear is a call for love. In essence all doubt, is a call for love. When you question yourself, your actions, your thoughts…embrace them, love them, hold them close to your heart and tell them it is going to be o.k. It is o.k. little darlings there is nothing to fear. Every step you take to this deep realization is a step closer to embracing your divinity. Remember you are a divine creation that is always learning and always remembering who you are. Like a parent who loves their children and would do nothing to harm them, this is also true of your very existence. It is all about thought. You are a divine master and in your thoughts you create your world. If you think that it is going to be a horrible day than that is exactly what you shall see. If you think it is a beautiful life with opportunities just waiting for you to embrace then this is also what you shall see. No one said it was an easy ride. It takes work to change these thought patterns and to change how you view the world. It all begins with you. What you think, you shall create. If you feel that there are no doubts and that it will all work out then that is exactly what you will create. If you have doubts and you believe that these doubts are telling you that something is going to go wrong, or that it will not work itself out if I don’t do something right away, then this is exactly what will happen. Instead, try to relax and go within. Check in with your soul and see what she has to say before jumping in to the same old patterns. Give yourself a chance to listen to that little voice first. Before you know it that little voice will get stronger and stronger and stronger. Then the old patterns will be replaced by your new powerful voice of divine wisdom. It is all about understanding your ability to create your reality and then stepping up to the plate to claim your reality.

I claim my existence. I claim how I view the world. I claim what I want in my life. In the sea of existence we are all creatures learning how to breathe, and how to swim in our own ways. There is no right or wrong. What may be right for you may be completely wrong for someone else. We are all here learning to swim. Whether you dogie paddle, breast stroke, free style, or swim under water it is all up to you. Claim your divinity, claim your power, claim your existence, and claim your inner voice waiting for you inside. Ultimately, you will finally begin to realize their really is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt, and that it really all does work out.

Piece Number 1

2007-07-19T13:47:00.000-04:00

Ask, and you shall receive because you are worthy.

How many of us ask for help? We spend our days doing, doing, and doing more. We do it all and then we volunteer to do more. Our “to do” list is never done. We find an eternal list of things to be done and needs to be met for everyone else. Do we ever stop to meet our own needs or do things for ourselves? Do we ever ask for anything from anyone else? Usually, we do not. Where did we learn this when we came into this life asking for everything without hesitation? Usually, we were taught this from those around us setting the example. For many of us, our own mothers did everything for everyone around us and we rarely witnessed them doing anything for themselves. So we learned that this was what we were supposed to do. Basically, we are worthy if we do for others.

Some of us may have learned this from our educational institutions. They teach that the more extracurricular activities you do and the more extra credit you can achieve the more worthy you are. We are praised for doing it all and encouraged to do even more. But what happens when we continually give what we have to the world around us? We eventually have nothing left for ourselves. Our wells run dry. The gas runs out. Our buckets get tipped over. We find ourselves tired and overwhelmed. We have nothing left and then we wonder why we feel so tired, angry and resentful at the endless amount of things to do, places to go, and goals to accomplish.

We need to learn to fill ourselves so that we can fill others in return. We need to remember to accept ourselves for who we are in all ways and every way. When we can begin to see that we are worthy. Worthy of being filled, worthy of love, worthy of everything the world has to offer and more then we can begin to understand that we are just as important as anyone else and anything else that needs to be done. Our needs are just as worthy of being met. There is healing power in the courage to ask and the ability to receive. Ask, and you shall receive. Give and you will be fulfilled. We can not do one without the other. We need help, we need each other.

A friend of mine once said that we are tribal beings needing each other. I have finally understood this to be true. When I am able to give to others I am filled just as much as when I balance this with receiving in return. In this idea we must trust that we will always be provided with exactly what we need. Many of us get caught up in the worry and the fear that there is never enough time, too much to do, and an endless amount of work. When simply what we need to do is enjoy ourselves and remember that anything is possible and all we have to do is ask for help in any and every way that is necessary to help us see that we can believe that anything is possible! Another words, all you have to do is ask and you shall receive. But be careful that you BELIEVE that it is possible. Which in turn means you must believe in yourself and truly accept all of you. You must love you. This is why we need each other; to help us believe in ourselves and see how truly miraculous each one of us is. I need you because you have much to teach me and you need me because I have much to teach you. We give to each other and we receive. We are humans needing to give and needing to receive. You are worthy of giving and oh so worthy of receiving. You are worthy of asking for help. You are worthy of having your needs met. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of abundance. Worthiness is loving yourself and loving each other at the same time. So next time you feel the need to ask for help, be it from a friend, a lover, the universe, or God, just believe that you are worthy to receive and ask. Just ask and you shall receive.

Pieces of the Puzzle

2007-07-09T08:10:00.000-04:00

I have decided to share something that I have shared before. I will be publishing something I call "Pieces of the Puzzle" on a day to day, week to week basis. It is about being a mother. I am a mother who needs to share my story and that is what I will continue to do. These are thoughts, just thoughts. You give them the meaning that is right for you. I am just writing to keep my thoughts from running my life. They do not mean anything unless you give them meaning. My hope is that these "Pieces of the Puzzle" will help you in any way they are meant to.

Pieces of the Puzzle

There is a piece to being a mother that still seems to be missing. It seems to be coming up in so many different ways. It can be a cycle of ups and downs. A roller coaster ride that can be fun and scary all at the same time. What may seem to be out of control but stays right on track. I feel that it is time to get off the ride and look at this cycle one more time. In times where I am climbing up the roller coaster hill I mostly feel plagued with doubt. It can have a stifling affect on my day to day activities. Doubt likes to take over and hang out waiting for moments to prove its existence and say, “see I told you that was going to happen.” I find that this creeps up more often when I have not been taking care of myself. A little voice inside me says that I need to take care of myself first. Then there is a bigger voice that says this is selfish and that my job is to take care of everyone else first. This is what we were taught to do. I think of my children, they have no problem asking for what they need and want. “Mommy, more milk! Mommy, more crackers. Mommy, can you do this? Mommy, help!” For them, it comes easily. They announce comfortably and without hesitation exactly what they want. It is us that becomes tired of answering there requests and tired of how they ask for their demands. We end up teaching them to not be so demanding and to ask nicely. We teach them to wait their turn and be polite. We tell them not to ask for all of this or all of that because it is too much or too greedy to want it all. We feel they are acting spoiled. There is much to learn from this. They know nothing else than that they are important and that their needs should be met. We have taught them this from birth. They cry as a baby, we pick them up and feed them, change their diaper. We play with them, wash them, and dress them. We love them. We meet their needs. They get older, we find them demanding things and we wonder how they got this way.

But listen…they are teaching us something. Look into the mirror they are holding up for you, look at the reflection of yourself. You are just as important as your child. Yes you are. Your child is reflecting back to you how you should feel about yourself. I need more milk, I need more crackers, I need help with the laundry, and I need help with the cleaning. I need support; I need to be surrounded by love and those who care about my needs too. Huh? What is she talking about? Some of you might say. My mother did all of this and now it is my turn to do all of this too. My mother took care of everything having to do with the house and children. That is just what was done. Oh really, and how did that work for her? Was she happy? Did she have time to play with you? Did you feel like you were important? Did she show you how she met her own needs? Did she ever take care of herself? Did she ever get sick? Did she enjoy life? Did she look around and take in all that life has to offer? Did she listen to the rain, admire the flowers, hug the trees, awe at the sky, and reach up to the stars? Did she love life? Did she truly and honestly love life? Did she pass along to you how truly beautiful life is and all the glory that life has to offer? Did you watch bugs crawl across street cracks together? Did she ever look at each petal of a flower with you and see how truly miraculous and different each one is? Did she snuggle under a blanket and hold you and create beautiful stories at night time together? Did she ever take her hands and dig them into a gallon of ice cream and slop it in her mouth just for the fun of it? Did she ever be a kid with you? Did she ever enjoy life?

For me, my mom did not do this. She was busy. Busy, busy, busy. Always doing something. Doing, doing, and doing. She was doing the laundry, cooking dinner, dusting, going to work, or crying. Crying because her husband was an alcoholic and was coming home drunk again after riding the commuter train home from work. She was using her words to verbally pick fights out of her frustration over his incompetence and irresponsibility. And then she would be physically attacked by an uncontrollable man full of rage, fear, and frustration. In her mind she had to protect her children from this man and attack him with words in hopes he would stop drinking. But this always failed. He would retaliate with his fists. So my mom never had fun. She felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. She felt alone, very alone and desperate with her situation. She felt as if she should talk to no one because after all this was embarrassing. Her marriage was a failure and she was failing her children. Eventually. All of this got the best of her and she became ill. She fought her sickness (cancer) for awhile. Always looking for answers, hoping. She gave a good fight. But deep within her cells she was tired and really ready to let go. Once she new her children would be o.k. she let go and finally surrendered. Life was difficult to her. It was a hard life full of anger, frustration, and work lots of work.

This is some of what I have learned from my mother. She didn’t feel worthy enough to enjoy life. To take care of herself. She did not feel like she could be a kid with her children at times because she always had to be an adult. The “to do” list was never done. This, I do not want to pass along to my children. But even now, I find that my “to do” list is never done. I have to consciously choose to get down on my knees and play and remember who I am. I am a child of God. A child of the universe. I am learning, growing and tasting life on this planet in so many new and wonderful ways each and every day.

As a child myself, my own children are asking me to re-member all of this. They are asking me to re-member who I am. I am a divine child of the universe. I am here to enjoy life. I am here to ask for help. I am here to listen to what my children have to say, to respond to their needs, and to respond to my own needs. I am here to re-member to play. To re-member how important I am. How I am just as important as anyone else on this planet and in taking care of me and going within I take care of everyone else too. When Mommy takes care of herself she is showing, demonstrating the importance of taking care of herself to her children. Yes, their needs need to be met and their needs are just as important as yours. So now when I make my children a sandwich for lunch, I make a sandwich for myself as well. We all sit down together to eat, because mommy needs to eat too. When mommy wakes up in the morning it is just as important that she takes a shower and gets dressed as it is that my children get dressed. When my children go out to play in the yard it is just as important that mommy goes out to play in the yard too. Whether I play with my children or I go out to play on my own with my girlfriends, play time is important for ALL of us. The joy of life that my children demonstrate and mirror to me I must mirror back to them.

Motherhood is a mirror for the world to see how important each one of us is. We must mirror to the world how important we are and how our needs must be met just as our children’s must be met. Re-member we are all divine child-like creatures of the universe. We have much to learn from our children if we watch and take in all that they are teaching us. They want us to re-member who we are; children of God.

So, you may be wondering, “How do we remember?” We must return to the days when we felt important. When we felt important enough to ask for what we want without hesitation. When we knew, without a doubt that it was our innate right to have what we desired. For some of us, asking for what we want came naturally up until we were in our 20’s. For others of us we have to go as far back as to when we were 2 years old or even younger. We are brought into this world knowing we are important and that our needs must be met. Somewhere in the growing up in life we learn differently. We learn to put others needs before our own. There is a balance of meeting our needs and meeting the needs of others. It is when we have this balance that we feel great about the world. This balance creates peace, joy, and harmony. Balance shows us what comes in goes out. What we are is what we see in others. Balance is created when we see in others what we are in ourselves. We are children of God. You know you are a child of God when you can see this in others.

We must continuously go within and understand who we are and learn to re-member what makes us happy. What puts a smile on your face? What delights your insides? What makes your eyes sparkle? What makes the corners of your mouth begin to turn up? What makes you want to stick out your blue tongue from sucking on a lolly pop? What makes you want to kick your heels up? What sets your sails on a boat? Answer these questions, find out what it is, and then incorporate this into your life. Start small and then bring it in more and more, little by little. Until finally it is a part of your everyday life.

But how? Here is how. 11 ways to re-member your child like divinity.

1. Ask for help because you are worthy.
2. Trust, Have no doubts, everything works out.
3. Connect with others, reconnect with yourself.
4. Return to your roots.
5. Awaken your gifts.
6. Make time for yourself (you are important).
7. Embrace who you are.
8. Love thyself.
9. Be your own Master.
10. Love life.
11. Love the universe.

I will continue to write on each of these 11 areas day to day or week to week. I may expand on some more than others. Thank you for your interest.

Time to Relax, Refresh, and Revive

2007-06-06T13:25:00.000-04:00

My oldest son, Ethan, came home from school yesterday with different clothes on than when he went to school. When he left for school that morning he had khaki shorts on with a faded red "Ren and Stimpy" shirt. When I came to pick him up at the bus stop he was wearing khaki shorts that were 2x too big and a huge red t shirt that were both falling off his little body. As I was taking his arm crutches to help him down from the steps I asked him why he had different clothes on and he hushed me and said, "I'll tell you in the car." I knew then that he must have had "an accident" at school. This is a touchy situation for Ethan. He is still not potty trained and wears pull ups to school every day. He has a wonderful helper at school who faithfully reminds Ethan when it is "potty time" every day at set times throughout his school day. We are not sure what Ethan can feel and if he can feel anything. The Doctors do not have allot of faith in him developing this skill but something inside me believes that miracles never cease and that this is one of many miracles that Ethan is having.

When Ethan told me what happened at school he didn't have to say much until I knew it was diarrhea. You see, the clothes he had worn home were now filled with diarrhea as well and we would be spending the rest of the evening taking a bath and changing pull ups as the diarrhea came and went. Actually this became a family event. All three kids got to take an early bath and had a dairy free dinner of toast and dry honey nut cheerios with some water. Mmmm, Mmmm. Ethan never really told me the whole story and he made it very clear he did not want to go to school the next day. It wasn't until later that I would learn from one of his teachers that Ethan's diarrhea actually became a seen with all the kids and he was very embarrassed and crying. It happened at the end of the day and they had just barely made it on the bus to go home. In my mind I can think of a hundred reasons why this was a blessing in disguise but it still doesn't take away the pain of him going through such embarrassment and the pain of wondering when is this miracle bowel and bladder control going to happen? And then I think for a moment...this is what faith is all about...believing in something you can not see or touch but believing in something you feel inside. You see, I have always felt so strongly about Ethan and his ability to walk even though we were told to get a wheel chair and forget about it. And look at him, he walks FAST with red forearm crutches and the kid showed me just the other day that he can stand for at least 60 seconds with out any support. He was so proud of himself he said, "Look Mom! I didn't know I could do that! As he stood in the middle of the bathroom with out holding onto anything with a huge electrifying smile on his face.

We spend allot of time in the bathroom these days trying and trying to figure out the best routine and plan to help Ethan figure out bathroom independence until the miracle comes. Some people may think we are crazy searching for a miracle. But you see, we are not searching. The miracle is right here in this present moment in the learning that is going on along this journey that we are taking. I believe that the people and series of coincidences will come when the time is right for Ethan to gain control. Up until then it is all about the journey and the path that we are all on together. So many people learned an incredible lesson for themselves yesterday when Ethan had his accident. For some, it may have been patience and compassion in a time of crisis to help a little boy and for others it may have been the importance of helping our peers when they need help and for another it may have been the opportunity to open up and let someone help him and take his hand and tell him that it was going to be ok and that we are all here to help if you just let us in. You see, I truly believe that Ethan had a lesson in what happened yesterday...a truly great lesson. It was another opportunity for him to let down his walls and let others in to help him and that being different is the greatest gift of all. Because in our differences we learn from each other about peace, joy, harmony, and love. Diversity and unity are synonymous. In our diversity we are unified. We come together to help each other out and nourish each other.

I know that one day Ethan will have the control over his bowel and bladder systems and until then we will ride the waves of ups and downs that teach us every step of the way. So , I want to thank all the marvelous teachers and students at his school that were a part of his journey and a part of his healing yesterday and today. And I was blessed with having Ethan home from school today to spend some extra quality time with him. He went to his little brothers preschool for an end of the year ice cream party (I brought dairy free ice cream for Ethan), he played on the playground with all of his brother's friends, used the potty at his brother's school (diarrhea free), we ate vending machine snacks outside in the blessed sunny day, and then now the two brothers are watching a Nick Jr. show while Eleanor takes a nap and we soon get ready to go to Physical Therapy. It has been a healing day for all of us and actually a relief for me. I can actually see all 4 of us having a great summer together!

So thank you Ethan, once again, for another incredible lesson and thank you for the beautiful healing day for all of us. Ethan, I know that this too shall pass and that mountains will be moved for you.

Love you, Mom

Healing Old Wounds

2007-06-04T13:16:00.000-04:00

This past month I took some time off. Some time off to go within and work on some severely severed parts of me. I had found that in so many ways I had fallen and I could not get up. My energy had vanished. With each part of myself that I looked at deeper I kept finding so many coping skills that I have learned to use over the years to help me get on with life. Once I looked at what I used to cover up the sores, in hopes of just moving on and it would just go away, I had to examine what was really going on underneath the band aides. There were so many old wounds that I just covered up. Old memories, old hurts, old pains from my past that were eating at my very existence that I just managed in hopes they would just disappear. But what I learned is that these wounds, like war wounds, don't just go away. They don't just scab over and then eventually vanish. They have to be looked at, embraced, loved, felt, and then let go. I was forced to surrender this past month and I feel that I am finally coming out of the darkness that I had to go into in order to see the light.

My energy had dwindled to almost nothing. Like so many times in my life before I had much difficulty getting up in the morning and it seemed like there was no end to the terrible weakness I felt. My mood swings were at an all time high and my anxiety and stress was sky rocketing. But this time, I have no excuses like being pregnant or having a new born or not taking care of myself. I do take care of myself, so I thought. I ate right (lots of vegetables, fruits, and whole grains), I slept about 7 hours a night, and ran about 15-20 miles per week. I was in great shape! So I thought. My emotional being was never quite in shape. I was still edgy and anxious around my children and could not understand why. I took all the latest supplements...omega 3's, calcium, magnesium, vitamin D, etc. But I was still stressed out and far from calm.

To make a long story short, through a series of coincidences I finally realise that these past six years of searching for answers about my son, born with spina bifida, all comes down to searching for answers about myself. The past six years has been a calling back to who I am and where I come from and now with the last couple of months being incredibly draining where I can no longer get myself motivated through out my day, I have finally been given another light to look to. Another chance to learn exactly who I am and what my purpose is on this Earth. This is what I wish to share with you over the next couple of weeks or months or however long it takes me to tell my story. But I now know that the daily trials that happen in my life are just a calling back to who I am and where I cam from. Who and what the hell is this woman talking about? You might ask. Or you might even think I have finally fell off my rocker. But no, I assure you I have not. I have finally realised that every day I live is a blessing and every day is a return back to the creator in every interaction I have and every action I make. So I am going to write about this with the final understanding of what this is all about. I have said before that our children are our greatest teachers. This is true but also in that we ALL are our greatest teachers to each other and in that is the greatest teacher of all letting us make our choices and finding our way back to who we are, perfect loving divine beings of light.

So, I continue to rest up and gain my energy back. In my healing, which is what I wish to share with you, I hope to be reminded and renewed all that I already know deep within me. It is taking the time to go within and tap into all that we already know that is so important and so energizing to all of us. I have my power to do this now, I didn't before. And now I have the light within me to see all the grand miracles bestowed on us daily. So I will remember to share all my miracles with you that I ask for in each moment of every day if you remember to remind yourself daily what an incredible miracle you are.

All my love and light to you,
Jennifer

Gratitude

2007-05-10T20:51:00.000-04:00

Once again, another incredible lesson came to me yesterday. My friend, Kaz Mammon, who is orchestrating the Harley motorbike ride event on May 19th to raise money for the Fowler Center for Special Needs Children, did another nice thing for our family. He wanted to have Ethan take pictures for another newspaper interview. Now Ethan is very excited about the event coming up on the 19th. He completely understands the reason for this fundraiser now that he has had two picture sessions for the press. You should have seen this kid ham it up for the camera. He gave his simple smile look as well as his ever so serious look for the many, many pictures that were taken. He was so proud to sit up on that huge Harley bike and then stand next to the bike that is at least 5 times his size. He knows exactly why we are doing this, to raise the money needed to build an awesome center for these most deserving kids. 100% of the money raised will go to the camp.

It was clearly invigorating for this 48 pound kid to sit on top of that huge Harley. There was a sense of pride and an "I am important" attitude that filled him up completely. And then when we were all done all he wanted to do was go play with his brother on the playground in the park next to us. I have never seen him get up and down off the jungle gym, merry go round, and see saw so fast and so independently before in his short life. I remember days of the past when Ethan would scream and yell with fear over trying anything new. He would either refuse to climb anything or he would throw a tantrum until I was right there next to him lifting him from one place to the next. Today, Ethan was miraculously running all over the place occasionally asking for help to hold his arm crutches or lift his leg over a bar. A piece of me didn't know what to do with myself now that I didn't have to help Ethan all the time and then another piece of me reminded me that I needed to enjoy and savor this moment. So, I joined in on the fun, spinning them super fast on the merry go round, see sawing up and down on the see saw, and encouraging them to jump and slide on the playground. And then there was little Eleanor laughing and giggling as she watched everyone having fun. She had fun too swinging back and forth in the bucket swings.

Just think, we would have missed out on this glorious day of fun and play if I didn't have to pull Ethan out of school early to go take pictures for the newspaper. Then to top it all off Kaz thanked us with two pizzas to take home for dinner. It is we who should have done the thank yous. So here I am, thanking you, Kaz, for asking us to be a part of this event. It has been nothing but a blessing and we look forward to May 19th when we get to go for a Harley ride for these kids that deserve it at the Fowler Center.

Please go to http://www.mamonride.com/ for more information on the fundraising event for the Fowler Center Camp for Special Needs Children.

You can also go to http://thefowlercenter.org/aboutus.shtml for more information about the Fowler Center Camp for Special Needs Children. It is a very informative and eye opening web site.

Unity and Diversity

2007-05-10T11:19:00.000-04:00

It has never been more clear to me the past two days how necessary it is for us to have relationships with all kinds of people. Connecting with others is so incredibly important for our well being. We are humans. We are designed to connect with others. To breathe, to feel, to honor each other's emotions, and connect on all levels. I read an article on unity and diversity the other day. It talks about how important it is for all of us to be different in our own ways and unify at the same time. And that many of us think that unity and diversity are polar opposites. Many of feel that in order for us to unify we must be similar in thought and idea. And to diversify is to accept differences but we do not think of putting the two together.

Ethan, my oldest son with Spina Bifida, taught me about this magical concept first hand the other day. Just recently he was given new leg braces and a twister strap to keep his right leg form turning to the side when he walks. The leg braces we have been used to because Ethan has needed a new pair almost every 6 months from the time he was 2 years old. But the twister strap is a fairly new concept designed to help him integrate his muscles more efficiently for walking. The strap is made out of flexible, strong, 1 1/2" wide fabric that buckles at his waist and then continues to wind down and wrap around his right leg like a candy cane and attaches to the velcro on the top of his shoe. It has resistance in order to pull his foot into a straight forward position. Ethan tends to walk with his right foot to the side and this strap will help train the muscles in his leg to move correctly. He must wear this all the time and part of doing this is going to school with this twisty thing on. Mind you he is in elementary school and my first thought, as well as my husbands, was what are the kids at school going to say to Ethan. Are they going to make fun of him and it would break my heart to find out that kids did make fun of him. We encouraged Ethan to wear the strap underneath his clothes and not over the top of his clothes but he would not have anything to do with this. He has insisted on wearing it on the outside of his clothes purposely for everyone to see it. To my amazement he was damn proud of his twister strap and eager to wear it to school. I was the one who had a problem with his differences. We are unified in our diversity. Ethan told me he would have no problem going to school and answering all the questions that might come up from his friends. We role played what to say and he quickly came up with honest and strong minded answers. "What is that thing?" I would say. "That's my twister strap," Ethan quickly responded. "What's a twister strap?" I asked. "It helps to keep my leg straight when I walk," he confidently responded. "What do you need that for? Is your leg broken?" I asked with an attitude. "Nooooo, I need it just for now until I can do it on my own," Ethan replied assured. I was astonished at the amount of enthusiasm and sass he had about who he was and what he needed to do to make this work. He knows to a certain degree that he is different from everyone else and he is not shy about making everyone see that at the same time our differences bring us all together and help us to unify. These kids readily accept my son Ethan at his school because he's got the attitude that he is different and astoundingly awesome that he is so different. We just have to let go of our predisposed attitudes as adults and always ask our selves why not and who says we can't be unified and different at the same time. We all may be different in so many remarkable ways but it is so important to see these differences as gifts to learn by from each other to help us grow and be more open to our own healing and change that happens within us when we do. We need to have compassion for each other and help each other out and at the same time accept each other for where we are and what we are doing in this very moment. Ethan has reminded me of this once again. Thanks buddy, your awesome!

Thoughts for the day

2007-05-09T06:34:00.000-04:00

All you are today is what you are in this moment. Don't let the waves of your past crash down on who you are today.

Feel your feelings and embrace all of who you are. Resolve to love all of you.

Live each day as if it were your last.

See the light in your children's eyes and let that give you inspiration.

Be peace and have hope.

Surrender and let go.

What matters is this very moment.

The Weekend

2007-05-07T10:24:00.000-04:00

I'd like to bring up something that bothers me every month. PMS. Since I have been writing and taking time to pull my thoughts together on paper. I have noticed a pattern. Just about two weeks or 12-14 days out of every month I struggle with the same patterns of anxiety, frustration, and anger. I notice that the little things that do not usually bother me, like spilled milk and pee on the bathroom floor, become huge events that send me into a tail spin. I am not blaming the symptoms on PMS nor am I making excuses for my outrageous behavior. I am simply making a link to a pattern that I have noticed. I have to believe that there is a reason for going through these cycles and becoming overloaded at times. I would like the answers to many of the questions that remain on the front of my brain. Are these cycles of peace, fear, and rage, at the same intervals each month, asking me to go within and come up with the answers myself? Maybe. I feel that we go through these hormonal shifts for a much higher reason. One of my questions is how can I harness and use this energy to propel me to another level of awareness and womanly divinity? I know that the next 14 days starting on Saturday will be easier and more manageable. It is the 14 days that comes after when PMS begins that I worry. It is during these times that I am uptight and completely besides myself. My rage and patience tips and I very easily become out of control. On the other hand, when it all comes down and menstruation has ceased I come back to myself with a new sense of awareness that takes me to another level of higher reason, love, peace, and honesty. I begin to know and understand myself even better that before. So I contemplate the idea that I NEED these cycles. I NEED to feel them and go through them with a new sense of honesty and awareness each time they happen and learn something else about me and my family each time. Because each time I go through them I learn something new and meaningful. And once I learn something new I can go back and try something new to help the situation for when it happens again. Everything has change and everything can be created to how or what you like it is just more difficult when you have a clouded state of mind. When the clouds pass I can look back and clearly see what I can do differently for the next time.

Some ideas for the next cycle:
1. I can pay attention to diet recommendations for women and PMS.
2. Include supplements in my diet to help with the hormonal shifts.
3. Keep a log of my emotional changes and eating habits especially as I get closer to the 12-14 days where I have the most trouble.
4. I can plan to surround myself with support like using babysitters more frequently during those weeks, going out and having more alone time with my husband, spending time to relax and meditate more, get together with friends for play dates or for dinner, and plan kids activities so that we are out doing things with other people more frequently.
5. Surround myself with inspirational quotes in my house, listening to peaceful music through out my days, and lighting candles.
6. Spend extra time planning ahead the weeks prior two PMS so that I know I have the support and reminders I need to get through my days peacefully and supported.

So know that I am open to all of these new ideas I think it is very important for me to start looking into these things NOW so that when I come around into another"dark night of the soul" I can pull upon all of these resources. Having resources is key. I need to be able to have a safe place where I can call on someone or something to help me get through the darker sides of my life until I can get back into the inspirational parts again. The first step is planning ahead to figure out what you can do to make this work and as you try new things you start making a resource file on what does and does not work so that eventually you build a support system for that time of the month. Therefore you can pull out what you need whenever you need it. This takes the willingness to get to know yourself and the time to try out different strategies. It takes going within to find out exactly what is right for you because we are all unique on what we need. These past two weeks of PMS have taken me to a new and deeper level of awareness. I am thankful for this. In knowing who I am at a deeper and deeper level, this new knowledge I have is taking me to a new level of awareness, power, and peace. Knowledge is power and harnessing and using the knowledge to promote peace from within promotes a powerful force of love that can heal anything. This is the honorable and true meaning of a woman's cycle. It is a calling and an honor to go within and know who you are on all levels. The more I understand and know me, the deeper I go, the more I realize I can do anything. It is a powerful peace and a peaceful power to know yourself completely.

Part II Miracles

2007-05-03T06:36:00.000-04:00

L...O...V...E... L...O...V...E... L...O...V...E...

My mantra for today is L...O...V...E...

Since I have trouble feeling it all the time I am going to spell it out every time I feel myself 'slipping' into old patterns and L...O...V...E... will bring me back.

"It's just another ordinary miracle today." Theme song from Charlotte's Web

My Miracle

2007-05-02T21:18:00.000-04:00

I asked for a miracle and that is exactly what happened. Tonight at 4:00 I received a phone call from a man named Kaz who does motor bike rides to raise money for kids with special needs. He met us once in a parking lot and tracked us down to find out how I could get Ethan to a place in MI for an interview with a newspaper on publicizing a ride that they are having to raise money for Camp Fowler, a camp especially for special needs children. Kaz called me on my cell phone while I was in my car driving all three of my kids to Ethan's physical therapy appointment. He wanted me to meet him about 45 minutes away at 5:30 to do an interview and he wanted to have Ethan their because he remembered how brilliant he seemed. He wants him to go on the 65 mile motor bike ride to raise money and he wants to send him to camp for free. I started to cry on the phone. The incredible gesture of love and sheer brilliance coming from this man struck me and made me want to release any last feelings of doubt or depression about my day and our situation. Someone once said to me, "Just when you think you have it rough someone comes along and makes it all very clear to you that you appreciate where you are and all that you have." Kaz did this for me today. In the midst of my hazy state of fog along comes this brilliant man to brighten our day. And you know what I said? In the midst of my fog I said, "Wow, I have mac-n-cheese in the oven for dinner that I have to get out or my house is going to catch on fire before we can get home in time." Kaz politely responded, "So call someone to get the mac-n-cheese out and come meet us." "Oh, yeah", I said, "I'll do that." With that, I called my husband left a long message pleading with him to meet me at therapy to pick up my other two kids take them home and turn off the oven while I drove Ethan to the interview. Few! It all worked out, of course. Kaz, Ethan and I met with the newspaper reporter and they took pictures to advertise for the event. Throughout this whole ordeal I remembered something I had forgotten...TO JUST HAVE FUN. Through all the lists of have to dos, should dos, could have done, and would have done I forgot what life was really about. Through all the anxiety and worry about daily life stresses I forgot what was really important. Us, each other, you and I, all of us. We are all important. The only thing that is important is to love each other and live life with peace and joy. And here we go again, another day and another lesson learned.

(Links to Kaz's website are above at Mammon Ride for Children)

Part II of Our Children, Our Greatest Teachers

2007-05-02T09:55:00.000-04:00

I sit here with a box of tissues next to me. I have said this before and I will say it again, our children are our greatest teachers. Ethan is mine. He is teaching me fearlessly and tirelessly. This has been a tough week for us. Mainly for me. I sit and write as my heart aches and he is sitting at school smiling and laughing. I know this because I emailed his teacher to check in on him at school. I am relieved he is at school and away from home.

My heart aches because we had another one of those mornings. Another morning where he doesn't want to do his work and another morning where I get upset because he doesn't want to do his work. I think we try to accomplish too much in the morning and I should have stopped at the word cards. We should have stopped and been excited about our successes. Instead, I had him go further and read a book which usually is not a big deal. But this time it was a new book and tougher to get through the first time. The mom in me should have figured that we should wait and do it later when we had more time but I kept pushing him and he kept pushing right back. My patience is short and I snapped. I immediately scolded him for not listening to me, cut the time short and decided to take away his privileges. How cool was that? Not cool at all. It's like I have this ticking time bomb inside of me and the minute I can't take it any more I explode. Ethan does exactly what he does best...he decides what he is going to do and nothing can change his mind. I do what I have been taught time and time again, that being a bully is how you get your kids to listen. You see, I grew up in an abusive family with an alcoholic father. Yelling and screaming and bullying your kids into listening was the norm in our house. You never knew when the next threat or hit would be coming. Not to mention my mom had cancer and died when I was 16 and my brother became schizophrenic shortly after. I'm not asking for your sympathy here I'm just trying to give you a little back ground before I lead up to my next idea.

After having some time to think about what happened this morning and about a dozen snotty tissues later I realised something. I am creating the same traumatic environment I grew up with when I was little. Every time I loose my temper I am creating the same atmosphere of fear and anxiety I grew up with. It is a cycle that has gone on for generations. I have generations of abused women in my family who not only were abused but did the abusing to others as well. My father's mom was abusive which lead to my father abusing my childhood and my mother's side of the family was the abused which lead to my mother being abused by my father. It has been passed around by both sides of my family from one generation to the next. Centuries of abuse and the abused from grandmothers to grandfathers, aunts to uncles. Now, I am doing it to my kids. Ethan cowers when I yell and becomes very afraid and then finally listens to his mom the bully. Aiden hides out and then decides to do things to please me in hopes that I won't be so mad anymore. Luckily, Eleanor has only seen me yell a couple of times and I am determined to kick this disease. I have realised that with the help of family, friends, and professional help that I can do this. But this is why I am so upset this morning...I know I can do this but I screwed up AGAIN. I yelled and I exploded. I did not take time to breath, count, feel the anger pass, and decide that their is another way. Their is an easier way. Their is a way of letting go...I have shared this image before and here it is again...I pray that I will have the strength and the courage to go on and finally become a divine mother. I am sorry again as I feel the feelings of generations of abuse go straight through my body and into my heart. I am doing this for you, for me, for generations of women, and mostly for my children who deserve more. I am conscious of this and I know that healing is possible and that miracles are possible. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. Here is my angel story...

Today, I am a mom, a mom not feeling all together. The feelings come and go but today and the past couple of days they have been particularly strong. The worries and the fears come up time and time again. Like a witches brew and her pot is bubbling over with snakes, and snails and puppy dog' s tails. My pot is full, bubbling over, and I fear it will explode. I do the things I know that will help me contain this brew from bursting. I reach out for help, I talk to others, I take time for myself, I meditate, I exercise, I write, but I still can not control it. I am surrounded by uncontrollable factors in my life and it is far more than I can handle. I am being guided and reminded to let go, but something inside me keeps pulling me in the wrong direction. It is as if I am stuck in a black hole and no matter how hard I try to scrape myself out I can't get myself out. I'm afraid, I don't want to fall, I don't want to fail. But I can't hold on any longer, my arms are way too tired and my fingers are slipping. So, I finally just let go. I let go and I am falling, falling, falling. Falling into the bleakness, the blackness and I fear that I will die! It is scary and I am deathly afraid.

But wait...something comes and catches me. It engulfs me in its wings and holds me. I am lifted. I am still. I am in the air floating with white feathery wings all around me. It speaks, "You can trust me." "You can trust me", the soft voice repeats again. "Be still my child", the voice says, "I will hold you and take you where you need to go. You have only forgotten to trust." The voice continues, "I am here to remind you that you can trust me. Let go, my dear, let go and let be." With these words I feel my tense muscles begin to soften, the brow on my face begins to ease, and my clutched hands begin to relax. I am held there in mid air amongst the feathery white glow with the reminders of bleakness and blackness in the background when suddenly we begin to lift. Up, up, up, it slowly carries me floating out to the surface and out of the darkness. It gently places me on the green grass sitting under an old majestic oak tree. It says, "Like the trees and the wind, I am always here for you, just trust and time will tell." It continues, "All will be as it should. Be calm, be at peace my child, you are taken care of." I finally trust enough to lie down under the tree curled up on my side with my hands placed together under my head. The white feathery thing takes its wings and places them upon me as a blanket that comforts me. I lay under its protection and the protection of the old oak while the wind sings me softly to sleep. I say, "Thank you", in deepest gratitude and once again I trust and I know that all is taken care of.

Our Children, Our Greatest Teachers

2007-04-30T09:31:00.000-04:00

I woke up this Monday morning knowing that it was another day of a routine my family and I have been doing since September. Ethan, my oldest son who has Spina Bifida, has been doing his routine for 8 months now. He gets up, goes 'potty', gets dressed and comes downstairs for breakfast. We allow him plenty of time to get everything done, at least 45 minutes. We have been through this routine forwards, backwards, up, down, and all around. We have made adjustments here and there to help him out. And every morning is different. But this morning, just after we have had two good weeks of getting up and ready we had a difficult morning again. Like a train that has to come to a complete and unexpected halt, this is what it felt like this morning. We had a nice flow going for so long and then boom, Ethan slips back into old ways. He seemed out of sync, difficult to talk to, and just being plain old passive aggressive. Many people I know would be shocked to hear this because Ethan truly is a terrific, heart warming and very social boy. He is engaging and loving. And then there is another side to Ethan. It is the side of fear and rage that I feel is a direct mirror for me. This is why I feel children are our greatest teachers. Their heart aches are a direct reflection of our heart aches especially when we have difficulty understanding why they do not just listen to us. This morning, I could not understand why Ethan would not just listen to me. Everything that we said or did was not helping at all.

Now, we have been through this every day for the past 8 months and I know when I am having a good morning and a bad morning. I thought I was having a good morning until the train wrecked for both Ethan and myself. But this morning was different. I was consciously aware of what was going on and I was doing the best I could at that moment. I did not yell or get too anxious, I stayed calm, did my breathing, and tried to let go. I say tried because there was a piece of me still holding on. In my 'train wrecked' state I could not see what I can see now, looking back, why the morning seemed so frantic for both of us.

Ethan was pushing me to another level this morning of divine love. I was being asked to let go even more than I already have and I responded by holding on tighter. This is true for me in allot of situations. And believe me I have come a long way in letting go from the beginning of the year. This was a subtle, "Jen it is time to let go even more." When I finally did the morning improved. But I still have this guilt inside of me eating at my heart. It is guilt about the dirty looks I gave Ethan and the frustrated tone to my voice when I spoke to him. These are the things that bug me the most about this morning. I still let my judgements come in and take over. When I could have just completely and lovingly knew that just my love alone could move the mountains that were standing in the way for Ethan and I this morning. This is my frustration. I see it now but I wish I could have seen it in the moment it was happening this morning. Ethan had some definite obstacles in his way this morning that were keeping him from being successful and instead of tuning into what HE needed I was focused on MY frustration of him not listening to me. I took it personal when it was not a personal thing. He has every ability to do what he does every day and I doubted it this morning because I let my own fears and judgements get in the way. I know that if I just clear the fears and judgements then I can do anything and my children can do anything.

So, here we are again, another morning of incredible lessons from my most incredible teacher, my son. I am sorry Ethan that mommy did not hear your cries for help and understanding this morning. I am truly sorry. I am truly sorry for not being compassionate and nurturing. Thank you Ethan for being you, all of you. You are truly an incredible boy who teaches me tirelessly. And next time this happens again, because there will be a next time, I will make sure that the mommy I now realise should have been present in those moments will definitely be there to help you move your mountain. Thank you my dear, I love you.

Welcome

2007-04-27T10:42:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Moms of Light. In this web site I will be publishing inspirational messages specifically for Mothers of Special Needs children. This is a place to share stories and the ins and outs of being a mom of a special needs child. We share the wisdom, experiences, laughs, joys, fears, doubts, tears, and the triumphs of holding this masterful job of the universe. I believe your child is unique for a very special reason. I believe your child is unlike other children for an incredible reason. I believe your child does not fit into the norm because he/she has allot to teach the world. Finally, I believe your child picked you as his/her parent because you are a very special mom. We have allot to learn from these incredible souls and from each other as mothers. This is a place dedicated to inspire you to become all that you ever dreamed of becoming. You see, I believe in miracles and I believe that faith can move mountains. So here we are, on our first day of blogging, just wait and see what miracles will come.

Please check back often, I will try to post messages daily.