I woke up this Monday morning knowing that it was another day of a routine my family and I have been doing since September. Ethan, my oldest son who has Spina Bifida, has been doing his routine for 8 months now. He gets up, goes 'potty', gets dressed and comes downstairs for breakfast. We allow him plenty of time to get everything done, at least 45 minutes. We have been through this routine forwards, backwards, up, down, and all around. We have made adjustments here and there to help him out. And every morning is different. But this morning, just after we have had two good weeks of getting up and ready we had a difficult morning again. Like a train that has to come to a complete and unexpected halt, this is what it felt like this morning. We had a nice flow going for so long and then boom, Ethan slips back into old ways. He seemed out of sync, difficult to talk to, and just being plain old passive aggressive. Many people I know would be shocked to hear this because Ethan truly is a terrific, heart warming and very social boy. He is engaging and loving. And then there is another side to Ethan. It is the side of fear and rage that I feel is a direct mirror for me. This is why I feel children are our greatest teachers. Their heart aches are a direct reflection of our heart aches especially when we have difficulty understanding why they do not just listen to us. This morning, I could not understand why Ethan would not just listen to me. Everything that we said or did was not helping at all.
Now, we have been through this every day for the past 8 months and I know when I am having a good morning and a bad morning. I thought I was having a good morning until the train wrecked for both Ethan and myself. But this morning was different. I was consciously aware of what was going on and I was doing the best I could at that moment. I did not yell or get too anxious, I stayed calm, did my breathing, and tried to let go. I say tried because there was a piece of me still holding on. In my 'train wrecked' state I could not see what I can see now, looking back, why the morning seemed so frantic for both of us.
Ethan was pushing me to another level this morning of divine love. I was being asked to let go even more than I already have and I responded by holding on tighter. This is true for me in allot of situations. And believe me I have come a long way in letting go from the beginning of the year. This was a subtle, "Jen it is time to let go even more." When I finally did the morning improved. But I still have this guilt inside of me eating at my heart. It is guilt about the dirty looks I gave Ethan and the frustrated tone to my voice when I spoke to him. These are the things that bug me the most about this morning. I still let my judgements come in and take over. When I could have just completely and lovingly knew that just my love alone could move the mountains that were standing in the way for Ethan and I this morning. This is my frustration. I see it now but I wish I could have seen it in the moment it was happening this morning. Ethan had some definite obstacles in his way this morning that were keeping him from being successful and instead of tuning into what HE needed I was focused on MY frustration of him not listening to me. I took it personal when it was not a personal thing. He has every ability to do what he does every day and I doubted it this morning because I let my own fears and judgements get in the way. I know that if I just clear the fears and judgements then I can do anything and my children can do anything.
So, here we are again, another morning of incredible lessons from my most incredible teacher, my son. I am sorry Ethan that mommy did not hear your cries for help and understanding this morning. I am truly sorry. I am truly sorry for not being compassionate and nurturing. Thank you Ethan for being you, all of you. You are truly an incredible boy who teaches me tirelessly. And next time this happens again, because there will be a next time, I will make sure that the mommy I now realise should have been present in those moments will definitely be there to help you move your mountain. Thank you my dear, I love you.
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