Ethan's Web Part 10

Today, like any other day, I awoke early and went for a morning run. Running helps to clear my thoughts and bring me into the present moment as well as contemplate the future day’s events. Running calms the voice in my head and creates stillness in my body. It may seem contradictory to say that running calms my body. But it does. The synchronistic movement patterns, the cross lateralization of my legs and arms working together, the breathing in and out that you must master, and the perfect balance you must create within in order to maintain a pace suitable for your body that will allow you to run long distances. It becomes a meditative state. On this particular morning I took it easy. My foot has been in the process of healing and I wanted to be sure I did not reinjure myself. Along my journey I began to feel the wind building up and pushing against me as I was trying to press forward. I decided to listen to what I felt I was being told; to slow down and take a moment to rest before turning around to run back home. I had already been running for awhile and I could use a couple of minutes of rest before returning home. The wind urged me to take my rest near a bridge that crosses a creek. I put my hands on the metal rails and saw before me a spider web. Of course I immediately thought of “Ethan’s Web” and how wonderful it was to have this reminder right before my eyes. But then, as I gazed to the left I saw another spider web besides the first one. I was thankful again and thought how wonderful it was to see another web. Just then, I saw another web, and another web, and another web. So I began naming the webs, thinking there can’t be more than 5 webs. Here is Ethan’s web, Jen’s Web, Andy’s Web, Eleanor’s web, Aiden’s web. I tried to put names to all of the webs but the webs kept coming and coming and coming. There were so many webs on this bridge I could not believe my eyes! So many webs that when I tried to count them all I had counted up to 50 spider webs and I was only half way down the bridge. This bridge was over 150 feet long and there was certainly over 100 spider webs gathered in between each rail one right after another and one right on top of another all along this bridge. They were intermeshed and all connected. They were all just seemingly floating there but so connected and so strong. One would not see or notice these webs just walking along the trail. You have to stop and take the time to look and even then you cannot see them all. As the light shines upon different areas of the bridge your awareness is drawn to either more or less spider webs. I’m sure there were more webs than my eyes could see because every time I was standing there counting the webs in front of me I would turn one direction or another and be surprised at all the webs that were there but I could not see until I changed perspective. To me this was a huge connection. It was a huge parallel. I made sure I spent several moments to take it all in and then turned to continue on my run back home. My run was then changed forever. My perspective had been changed forever. I thought of spider webs and how we are all connected and how each one of us is part of our own web. How our lives are full of webs and how when we see ourselves in other lights and other perspectives our whole view of life can completely change. I thought of Ethan and his entire life and how our determination to believe that anything is possible has brought us to where we are today. I thought of all that has been done and how much we have to look forward to and how absolutely lucky we are to be blessed with this opportunity to go to China. I thought of my life and all the events that had brought me to where I am today and how each event was perfectly orchestrated in order to mold and shape me into the person I am. I thought of each one of my kids and how they are all on their own paths creating their own webs and how each of us creates our own webs daily. I thought of as many people as I could and imagined each one owning one of those webs that I saw on the bridge and how beautifully symbolic webs can be. Just like the webs on the bridge that are all connected we are all connected as well. And the funny thing about those webs is that we can’t see all the connections right now because we all have our different perspectives but they are all still there and will be revealed to us when time deems it appropriate. Which lead to another thought…that if we are so connected then how important it is to treat each other how we would want to be treated in every moment no matter how tired or exhausted we may be; no matter what our past has done to us; no matter how traumatized we might have been or have become; no matter what our situation may be. For all that really matters is the present moment. Each connection and each relationship we have with another person or even just ourselves affects everyone around us directly or indirectly. How I treat the Earth, my neighbor, my children, my husband, my family, the postman, the waitress, my dog, is a direct relation of how I feel about myself. If I love myself completely and divinely then I can love you completely and divinely.

Ultimately, we all have our own webs of existence and it is up to us what we choose to do with our webs. For my web and Ethan’s web we are choosing to believe that anything is possible and that if we dream it, it will come. I want our webs to be full of joy, compassion, peace, and miracles. I want every person we touch through our webs to feel what it is like to be living heaven right here on Earth; where dreams come true and miracles happen every day. I want every person to know that their web can be exactly the same way if they so choose it to be. I want Ethan’s Web to be a testimony to the world of what is possible and that nothing is impossible. What I want for Ethan and our family I want for you as well. My hope is that you continue to join us and that you begin to create miracles in your own web just like we continue in ours. Thank you.

Ethan's Web (Part 9)

The web of healing continues. Currently, we are visiting family in Pennsylvania. We drove in last night. We, as in my three kids and myself drove for nine hours across Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania in order to get to an average sized town in PA called York. We weathered high winds and rain, tantrums, exhaustion, boredom, and whining. It was just down right sheer determination that got us here. Why? Because this is where our roots are. This is where our history began. This is where our family began and this is where some of our family remains. We came back to reconnect and to remember who we are and where we came from. For this is all part of the journey; our journey of healing.

Every year, since we left 4 years ago, I make a point of returning for at least a week. What I have found in the past is that one week is not enough time. It is not enough time to connect with family and friends. This time we are staying for almost two weeks. 11 days to be exact. At first, when we arrived I was not sure if this was the right thing to do, staying so long. Sometimes, being around family can be exhausting and suck you back into old patterns you have worked so hard to release from your life permanently. But of course, I received my rose confirmations and I knew that I was doing the 'right' thing. After our 9 hour drive yesterday we arrived at my mother-in-laws home like 4 wet and exhausted cats waiting on your doorstep to come in and be sheltered and taken care of. We were greeted by a room full of aunts (4 to be exact) and an eagerly awaiting grandmother. The children were excited to say the least. The aunts were excited to say the least. Grandma was excited to say the least. And mom (me) was just plain tired to say the least. By 11pm that night I was able to finally get all my children to sleep including myself and my daughter (sleeping by my side). With a house full of people we were sleeping wherever we could find room. Unfortunately, I did not receive a restful night's sleep with Eleanor next to me and the very ungrounded energy of still driving in a car flowing through my body.

Today is a new day. I woke up many times last night, tossing and turning and finally decided to get up and go to a much needed yoga class. This is a place I would frequent every Saturday morning to connect with like minded friends to support and encourage each other through our Yoga practice. Returning to Yoga reminded me of who I really am and all the family I have missed for so long. I think of these people as my family due to our insights that we share and our open hearted conversations we get to enjoy with each other. Sometimes we loose site of this type of connection when we are around blood family and it is good to go outside of what is familiar in order to explore, connect, and reconnect with who you are. Today, before going into Yoga I spent some time connecting with myself alone in my car and asking for confirmation as to if I was doing the 'right' thing (as in staying in York for a such a long time and all the emotions and feelings this conjures up). In the midst of all the chaos and confusion we sometimes realise that everything was actually in perfect divine order and I was just looking for confirmation in the midst of all my chaos and confusion from the day before that I was still following and listening to my soul. So, later that morning in midst of my yoga practice I turned to glance over my left shoulder and there upon a bookshelf amongst the Netty pots, CDs, books, incense, and singing bowls was a picture of a beautiful red rose. Ahhh....my rose, my sweet rose that always comes to me with confirmation and a knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I had my confirmation and my sense of 'knowing' that all is exactly as it should be.

"So, where does this come from?", you may ask. Why do I have such insecurities that I always must receive confirmation and affirmations that I am on the right path? You see, I have lived a life filled with fear and doubt. There is a little girl inside of me that needs to have confirmation that she is 'ok' and doing the right thing. This little girl did not receive this when she was younger and I have to take care of her today and still give her the affirmation that she is 'exactly where she needs to be'. And then there is the adult me that yearns to connect to others for support and yearns for parental support (like a mom to call on the phone and a dad's shoulder to cry on) but never will receive this because her mother is no longer alive and her father is absent in her life. But these people, who I was born to had chaotic lives and even if they were around today I am not sure that I would agree with or welcome their advice in the first place. I grew up without a mom, she died of cancer when I was 16. My Dad is a recovering alcoholic and my childhood was filled with yelling, screaming, and fighting amongst my parents on a daily basis. Weekly calls to the local police station in order to come and break up a fist fight between my mom, dad, and my older brother were a regular in our home. My mom usually lost and walked around with black and blue marks on her arms or legs and even her face. My brother had them on his arms but never on his face, thankfully. My Dad, a rather large man, always won. I, hid in my bedroom and would occasionally come out to 'save my family' from killing themselves but would in turn be saved by one of the three crazy people who insisted that I go back to my room and stay there. There were times when I would come out and beat on my dad as he attempted to pummel my mom or brother and would be pushed away only so that they could go back and resume the fighting. There were times when I would yell so loud that my parents had to stop and look at me. By that time my father was so out of breath and dripping sweat from hitting my mom or brother and stunk of alcohol that all he could do is finally stop and pass out on the floor in exhaustion and intoxication. There were times when I would put my dad to bed on the couch and call my mom at work warning her not to come home for fear that another fight would take place. I thought that if I could just keep them separated long enough that I could stop the inevitable fate of fighting in our home. I would try to control alot of things in my house in fear that if I could just do this or just do that, that we would all avoid a night of fighting or a riot breakout between the three loony birds I had to live with. So, returning home brings up allot of memories. But these aren't even the memories of my new family. These are old memories. These memories haunt me from my childhood and have nothing to do with the present moment. But when you have not fully let go of your past it can effect your present in almost every moment of your existence. So, whenever I am in an environment where I can not control my surroundings, like yesterday, traveling for so long and the arrival into my mother in laws house it takes me some time to adjust and reground myself. There is damage control that needs to be done. I have to make sure my kids are getting their needs met and that we have a place to put all our stuff and ground ourselves. I need to make sure my kids are eating 'right' because I can control this and I have to make sure that they are listening and being respectful because I can control this. When you live in fear you see everything through this veil and nothing seems safe or comforting. You wind up expending allot of unnecessary energy that zaps you from enjoying life. You would think that walking into a room full of Aunts and Grandma would be wonderful to just let go and let them take over. But I can't. Yes, there is a delicate balance and I must understand that I can not control everything and some things I must 'let go' but this is my lesson to learn which I freely admit to and have finally learned to honor in myself. So this week, being in York is about balance. Ethan is not the only one being and coming into balanced energy. And the figure '8's that I have been seeing everywhere have not only been for him and his healing journey. His mom is coming into balance and healing as well. I am healing being here. I am revisiting some of the roots of who I am and going to another level of healing and re balancing so that I may emerge from my cocoon as a beautiful butterfly again on a new level of awareness and conscious living. I have alot to learn and alot to write about this week. And if you don't mind I feel that I will be writing more about my journey of healing and re balance than my son's this week. It is still Ethan's Web because this all could not be possible without Ethan and the journey that he is on. If it were not for him and his calling I would not be here writing, healing, and following my true calling. So, stayed tuned. I have much to say, release, and heal. Namaste.

Ethan's Web (Part 8)

This entry is a turning point in the web that Ethan has created. You see, I am a part of this web and so is Ethan's family so we also have a part in this story to tell that indirectly has to do with Ethan and his incredible healing. Ethan's journey is not just about Ethan healing but it is about our entire family's healing right besides him. Especially his Mom. 8 years ago I had a little boy in my arms that I was scared to death for. What would the future hold for this little guy who I was told would never walk and have multiple problems in his life? And how could we be given such a situation to behold? "Why? Why!", is all I could ask. There had to be more. There had to be. So, began my search for meaning in all of this and the meaning of life and why we come to live our lives the way we do. Ethan's healing has not just been about him but it has a significant purpose in my own healing as well. With each step he has taken it has taken me to a new step in my life. My faith shines strong when I see the miracles happen in his life. I will never stop believing that Ethan is on a path of miracles to show us all that anything is possible. But how did I get to this point in my faith? It has been a long and arduous process that I will tell you about if you care to listen.

When Ethan was born I was a recent graduate of Occupational Therapy and just beginning my career. Everyone thought that if there was anymore perfect of a mom for Ethan it would be me. My experience and knowledge of the body and physical healing was vast and brand new. But the prognosis for a child with spina bifida is not good. It is very text book. They tell you what level they are on the spine where the spinal nerves did not close and then from there they guesstimate what type of functioning you will have. Ethan's level meant that he would have trouble walking and need to spend most of his life in a wheelchair, that he would have cognitive difficulties, hydrocephalus, bowel and bladder incontinence, etc., etc. The prospect of having a child with multiple problems was overwhelming. I was not ready or up for the challenge. I did not want to be Ethan's mom. I wanted to be the mom of a 'normal' child. But my husband and I found out the night before Ethan was born of his condition and we had no choice but to have this new baby. I remember crying in my closet that night and falling into a deep depression with the thought of what our life would be like from then on. "How could this be? How could we be given such a child?", I feared. I felt so ill equipped to handle this life long situation even though everyone thought I was the perfect mom and I certainly did not want to be the mom of a disabled child. It is difficult to admit this out loud when you have gone to school to work with people who have disabilities. But, to me, that was not my life...I was just the therapist that would help them on their way...that was not what my life was about...that was somebody else's life. Oh, how wrong I was. And how much I was going to learn.

On March 24th, 2001, Ethan came into our lives with a bang. His birth was bitter and sweet. Bitter at the scary idea of having a child with a disability as 'big' as his and sweet when I took one look at him for the first time in person and realized a love that can never be compared to anything on Earth. A love of uncompromisable enormity. A love so huge that it could move mountains. A love like this that would create miracles. When my eyes settled on his little new born body I immediately lost all control to hold back any emotions that had been lingering inside me. A wave of tears came over me and a strength to heal came from me that I can not explain. This strength of healing was so strong that within hours of our surgery (my c-section upon Ethan's birth) I was up out of bed determined to get myself to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) where Ethan was being housed in order to see and touch him. It took three people to get me into my wheel chair and whether or not my newly formed stitches would hold tight or burst had no concern to me. Pain and all, I made the nurses get me in that chair so that I could be wheeled over to see my newborn child. Ethan, himself had gone through some incredible surgery just hours after he was born. He had a 'hole' in his back where his spine did not close and the nerves had collected. The surgeon had to go in, put the nerves where he thought they should have gone in the first place, close him up with his own extra skin (since he was a well endowed infant) and hope that the nerves would continue to grow on their own. The surgery was a success. I remember the surgeon standing at the foot of my bed telling me that he would be able to walk one day while the rest of the doctors told us that this was not the case. I would never speak to or see this surgeon again and I do not even know today what he looks like. It was the first of a series of miracles that would set me on the path of believing that Ethan's life had an alternate plane. Like the song from Natalie Merchant's "Wonder", FATE would have other plans for Ethan. The angels would hold him in their arms and grace him with a miraculous life full of wonder and unexplainable events. This is what I believed, this is what I knew, this is what I know.

So, I was wheeled up to the NICU, managed to scrub, and made it over to Ethan's crib side. He was in a bubble type of environment to keep him warm and risk free of infection. You could barely reach in to touch him and wires draped and covered his body with little tiny pads that stuck to him to monitor his every move. His arms were tied close to keep him from grabbing and tugging at things and his back had a large bandage covering him from the surgery. More tears began to flow as I sat there and watched my baby. All I wanted to do is hold him, cuddle him, and have him nurse. This could not be done. None of those things could be done and my heart ached with the longing to be a mother. To do the things a mother would want to do. All I could do is stroke his little arm, his little nose, his forehead or his leg and watch as his slept. At least I could sit there and be next to him. It was not long before my therapist instincts took control of the situation before me. I immediately wanted the nurses to position him correctly and to pay every attention to not just his vitals and the doctors orders but the orders form his therapist/mom who wanted Ethan to get the best of care. I had learned a thing or two from my internships in NICUs and I knew how important it was to position a baby such as Ethan correctly to limit any orthopedic and developmental problems in the future. So, I made the nurses take pictures and print them out on little cards with explanations demonstrating how Ethan should be positioned during the day to best help his development. It was all I could do and all I would know how to do in the beginning of his life. I took what I had learned and applied it to my first born in hopes that he would never journey down the path that the doctors were telling me he was destined for. Several times a day I would check on Ethan. I wanted to be sure that he was getting the best care and when I saw that a new nurse did not follow my orders I was sure to let her know and teach her what I wanted. I was supposed to be resting and healing but my healing was only dependent upon my sons healing. My life had been instantaneously transformed into a life that was determined to heal my son. I would not let go until I knew that he was on this path that I instinctively knew was his.

I remember sitting in the car on the way home from the hospital with Ethan in the backseat. We had waited a week for this day. Finally, we had the opportunity to bring our baby home and become a family. We stopped to get gas and I sat in the car watching from a distance as a man was running and my husband was out filling the gas tank. This man was out for a jog and it was a beautiful spring day. I sat there wondering to myself, "If that were Ethan running, how could I make that happen for him? How could I help him run one day?" I imagined Ethan running down the street. My life was consumed with healing and wanting a miracle for him. At times my behaviors would get the best of me and I would live my life daily on the thought and idea that maybe, just maybe, this would be the day he would be healed. I had allot of my own healing to do in the process. Ethan would not be healed by an all consuming miracle where he would rise up and walk like the stories of Jesus and the miraculous healings he performed. Although I admit I dreamed of it to happening this way. I wanted to wake up and have the whole thing just be a dream. I wanted the BIG miracle. Ethan's soul would have other plans. Ethan's plan was to bring all of my healing to the fore front and every step of healing I would take Ethan would match. Every time I made a giant leap of my own emotional healing from my own past my son would have his own physical healing. Ethan would have motor control that would never be there before; or he would say 'apple' at one years old in the grocery store as I was putting apples in the cart when the doctors said he would have cognitive problems; or he would begin to crawl like a normal baby at 12 months when I was told he would never be able to do this. These miracles that consistently corresponded to my own healing would keep me going, keep me believing, and reassure me to never give up.

I remember one day when Ethan was sitting in a neurology office waiting for the neurologist to finish his exam on how Ethan was doing. He was 5 years old and we had only been in Michigan a little over a year. The doctor was testing his reflexes and tapped his knee. All of a sudden his leg jerked forward. "Oh my gosh", I exclaimed. "He has never done that before!" Then the Doctor tapped his other knee. It jerked forward. "He has never done that before", I exclaimed again. "How do you explain this", I asked the doctor. "He has nerve connections now where they were not before", he simply stated. "You mean he is growing nerves", I asked excitedly. "Yes, his nerves are still connecting", he confirmed. The doctor was so 'matter of fact' about the whole thing and I could not resist the urge to jump up and down and celebrate. I immediately called Andy (my hubby) to let him know the miracle that had just occurred. Again, this added fuel to my fire and my quest to heal myself and my child.

So, our journey continued and continues today. Every effort Ethan makes with his own healing journey is felt deeply by all of us; especially me. When he heals, I heal. When I heal, he heals. So as we step closer and closer to Ethan's trip to China and the healing that will occur abroad I feel us healing at an ever more rapid pace. His life is coming together and balancing in ways that I could have only imagined. That I have imagined. I see the number '8' every where I turn which reminds me of balance and the significance that Ethan is 8 years old and his healing is coming full circle. A figure 8 is completely balanced from top to bottom and inside and out. His energy is flowing and creating healing in and throughout his being in every moment of every day and as is mine. I feel more alive than ever before and full of hope like I have never felt before. We have come to a time where we are completely accepting of where we are and what we are doing in every moment knowing that we are exactly where we always need to be. We continue to heal to move on and know that of course it is never about the destination and always about the journey and what a wonderful story we get to write and reflect upon along our way. I will continue to reflect upon this in these writing and of course bring up new happenings in Ethan 's life and all of our healing as a family. But have you know that Ethan's Web Part 8 is a turning point. It is a reflection of perfect balance coming into existence for Ethan and our whole family. It is a place of complete acceptance because we know what the future holds; a continued path of healing, rejuvenation, and miracles. How could it be anything else when we are living our heaven right here on Earth. Amen!