Jen's Blog - First Challenge (Part 1)

Here we go. It’s 9:30pm on New Year’s Eve. My kids were determined to stay up until midnight to watch the ball drop, until one by one they began dropping like flies and asking to go to bed. They were exhausted from the day. I have to admit that I was surprised by their eagerness to sleep. They had been talking about ‘staying up’ for the past couple of days. But Mother Nature took over and they could not keep their eyes open. My husband and I even tried to watch a movie together but being the early to bed early to rise person that I am, I decided to head up to bed and get in some last minute typing before the end of the year. So, here I sit contemplating my commitment that I made in my previous blog. If you don’t recall or you have not had the chance to read it; I made a New Year resolution to give up 26 things or habits in my life throughout the coming year. The idea is that I would take two weeks to test out either ‘giving up’ or ‘changing an old habit’ such as cell phone use, alcohol, coffee, etc. Then I would integrate this new lifestyle change into my life for the rest of the year. Deciding to change something or give something up every two weeks for a year ends up being a total of 26 changes. My inspiration came from the idea of living the life of a Mom of Light. I had done some major inner reworking of my emotional life throughout the year of 2009. Now I feel the push to continue to express these inner changes on the outside into the physical. Since, life on my insides has gone through a major upgrade this past year it only makes sense that I continue to have my outer world reflect what I am feeling on the inside.

Here I sit ready to announce to you my first 2 week resolution…Drum roll… For the first two weeks of the year 2010 I will be completely transforming the way my family shops for household products and food. We will consciously answer the following questions before we buy an item. Do we know where this product is coming from and does it match up with our beliefs? Meaning, does that new rug that I want so badly at Target come from a place that honors human existence? Is it made of elements that are non toxic and earth friendly? Are the people that make the rugs treated fair and just? For short, what is the ‘story’ behind that rug that I want so badly? In order for it to enter into my home I need to consciously know that it has been made honoring the people that made it and our environment. Not only people, but animals too. Are the animals treated humanely? Are they given the best life possible before they give their life to be food on my plate? I will ask these questions before purchasing all food and household items. I feel ready for this new challenge. Like an athlete, I have been training this past year learning about many of the concepts that I previously speak about but have never put it all together to perform in the big leagues. I have dabbled in the ideas of non toxic, earth friendly, fair trade, organic, and free range but have never made a commitment to live my life completely on the other side. But the more I speak of how we are all connected and that my web of life is intertwined with yours the more I realize that everything we have, do, and consume effects us on many different levels. It is the ‘circle of life’, so to speak. What the pig eats, I eat. The energy that is used to raise that chicken is the same energy that I am a part of. The elements that make up that rug that I want will enter our home and be in our environment touching our lives (on many levels) forever. If I want to live a life free of fear, sickness, anger, and darkness then the items that fill our lives must come from a place of the higher energies of conscious living such as love, peace, honor, and light. I am that which surrounds me and that which surrounds me is me. For these next two weeks I will fully embrace the desire to become a conscious consumer. In the end aren’t we all supposed to “Treat others the way you would want to be treated?” So, this is my initial attempt to follow the path of a Mom of Light. Let’s see how I do.
And Happy New Year (2 hours early)!

Jen's Blog - Changing for the better

It’s 1 am on December 26th 2009 and I’m up in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep. Besides my daughter not feeling well and sleeping next to me in bed I find myself just not being able to sleep at all. Could it be too much wine, too much to eat, or the possibility that my body just feels unbalanced in so many different ways. The holidays have a way of throwing us all off balance that it is inevitable we all wake up on 01/01/10 with New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, exercise more, and just in general be conscious about our every day existence. Right now, in this moment I feel exactly that way. I feel like such an overstuffed turkey that I am ready to begin my resolutions early. I feel that this journey has been thrusted upon me due to so many different factors. Call it perfect timing in my world but if I don’t change my habits I am going to die young of moderate exposure to all the toxins in life and just become another statistic in this age of discoveries of what is good for you and what is bad.

It all began many, many weeks ago when I wrote my latest blog about the new relationships that were emerging in my life due to the personality changes that were happening within me. A new, more empowered Jen was emerging and she is in there fighting for her life, literally, to come out. It’s part of why I am up this morning at 1 am talking and writing to you. It’s this ‘Mom of Light’ thing that I have been working on and festering for so many years. Consciously, these past several weeks I have finally realized the true meaning of what it is to be a ‘Mom of Light’ and live this path of LIGHT. It is a path that is not often walked and it is a path of conscious living that does not follow the typical journey of our fellow WOman. A Mom of Light does not shop at some of my once TOP 5 stores. There is no more Target to get the latest trends in household and fashion designs for cheap. No more local grocery store treks to get all your shopping needs done for the weeks groceries. No more bargains at the local department stores where you can get really good deals because they buy in bulk and sell it to you severely discounted. No more trips to the drug store for the antibiotic of choice that will get us through the next round of sickness running through my family. No more loading up on vitamin store vitamins that are supposed to keep you healthy and supply all the nutrients you need that we don’t get in our regular diets. This is how I used to live my life in the everyday outward bounds of what I typically do. It’s not that there is anything wrong with living this way. Not at all. I just know deep within my soul that there is a more conscious way to live and I am ready to be completely committed to the more conscious way. I have lived life on the border of completely transforming to a completely conscious life; I just have not made the full conscious LEAP to the other side. I have dabbled in alternative vitamins and herbs to keep my family healthy and vaccine free. I have learned some pretty amazing recipes that promise full flavor and nutrition from organic products. And I have made conscious decisions to only buy products where I know exactly how the product was made and with what type of materials. But now I feel the urge to be completely and totally committed to this new way of living. There is much more that I have only begun to discover. If it weren’t for the constant up and down symptoms I face daily that keep urging me to live life more fully I would probably go on ignoring my existence and living life ½ present. For example, my body speaks to me daily through constant belly aches from eating foods that I know I must have allergies to but have not taken the time to free myself from the horrors and havoc it is creating in my body’s echo system. Then there is the nightly glass of wine that I thoroughly enjoy drinking with dinner that sometimes turns into two glasses. It is the after effects it creates of sleeplessness and night sweats that makes others want to avoid me like the plague the next day when I do not get my beauty rest from the night before! Then there is the roller coaster ride of working out and not working out to take care of my body that keeps becoming harder and harder to maintain as I get older and older. Lastly, but not least, there is the fact that I am stricken with up and down mood swings at least 1-2 weeks out of every month which can add up to a maximum of 26 out of 52 weeks a year of bitchiness! Needless to say…this is not how I want to live my life where ½ a year, every year, I don’t even want to be around myself. Not to mention the bloating, irregularity, dry itchy skin, and graying dulling hair that I have recently noticed the past year. So, what brings this all on? Call it determination, realization, and deep contemplation about the meaning of life. I don’t know. The fact is that as I get older I notice my susceptibility to more and more problems that I never even dreamed of having. It’s like my body is a slow ticking time bomb and I need to figure out if I am to cut the red chord or the green chord, cause if I don’t she is goanna blow!

No doubt, somewhere, deep within me there is this burning candle of belief that knows age really does not define us. Somehow we get caught up in what society tells us we should be doing and what our parents always did that we tend to ignore the subtle inclinations in our heart that speak to us every day and tell us exactly how we should be living and not what the media says we should be doing. It only becomes ever more important to me when I look in the mirror at my sagging physique and droopy skin under my eyes that I must do something. So many people around me just want to accept that this is just a part of getting older and that there is nothing you can do about it. They may be right, to a degree, but I’d rather prove myself wrong in trying then not trying at all. I just can’t accept that the way I feel is just a part of getting older and all our stuff just not working as well as it used to. Somewhere inside me I believe that if I was living the life I have always dreamed of living then I would just naturally feel younger, more vibrant, and healthy. If I was truly living my passion then I would feel great! Inside me, I consciously believe if I am truly a ‘Mom of Light’ and what I believe her to be then I must LIVE like a ‘Mom of Light’ in every moment of my life. I have to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. I have already done much shedding of my past and now it is time to be present and enlightened in the moments I am in every day. The only way I can do this is if I thoroughly look at and reconfigure every action I take every moment of every day.

Hmmm… that is a mouthful! That is a huge challenge! To begin with, I am going to take a monster leap forward and decide that I will take 2 weeks to either give up something in my life or change a habit that is not working any longer. For instance, I could give up alcohol, TV, talking on the cell phone, or sugar. Or I could change a habit that I feel is affecting my life and or my children’s life. For example, talking on the cell phone in my car could be changed to only talking when I can give all my attention to the person on the other line; like at home or parked in the car when I am waiting for my kids to get off the bus. Or I might find that I seem to be unusually pessimistic (certain weeks of my life) and I sense the need to put a positive spin on everything I think about. So, I may find that I need to be exuberantly positive for two weeks instead of immediately jumping to conclusions or allowing judgment to plague my thoughts. The matter of fact is that I am going to take every 2 weeks to change my life for the better and then embrace that new habit or change into my life for the rest of the year! That adds up to a total of 26 new changes this coming year. Whoa! I know! I know! That is a huge Tall Order! But hey, if I am going to be the light I must live in the light! So, here goes nothing, or might I add everything! And watch as I change and become that which I am already meant to be. No worries though…I know it is not going to be easy and I am not delusional (It is only 2:30 in the morning). I just know that if I don’t start changing, drastically, now, then something will either force me to do it later (like sickness or depression) or I will die regretting that I never tried. Who knows, if I stick to my plan and all goes well I could lose everything I ever thought I needed in my life and gain so much more than I ever dreamed. So here it goes, and watch as you see me transform.
PS…I will be taking a day or two or three to figure out my first big change. Stay tuned.

Jen's Web (Part 15) New Relationships

The man I married is a mirror for many parts of me that are resolved and unresolved. There are parts where I can be safely with him knowing that together we are just being who we are. Then there are parts that I see that I have not resolved in myself. These are issues that I have not faced in myself and that I am not yet ready to uncover. When I see these parts in him that emerge that trigger anger in me I head the other direction; fleeing for my life. The old survival instincts come out and I stand up to either defend or retreat. Sometimes I am ready to face the fears and then other times I just want to let it go. Relationships are opportunities to grow and find out who we truly are in ourselves and safely with another being. They never need to be hard or difficult if we can recognize that we come together to raise each other’s vibration not to meet a need that was never met in our ‘growing up’.

After all, we are creators that have the power to manifest our futures in any way we desire. Of course, there is an ultimate creator that sees that the ultimate plan is ultimately carried out. We are all, what I like to call, ‘mini’ creators as well. I created the need for a man such as my husband at the time that we married and now I am letting go of many parts that I asked for. These are the parts that are no longer necessary in my life. There is nothing bad about this, it is only a shift in reality and a lifting of the illusions we created for ourselves. At the time of our marriage I needed someone to save me and take care of me like I had never been taken care of before. This part of me has finally rested and transformed. A new power has emerged and this is part of the shifting that is occurring. The powers are moving and balancing. They are shifting to a more distributed calling that involves seeing each other as divine balanced beings that do not ‘need’ each other but allow each other to thrive and grow. These being support each other along their individual paths and recognize that something that may trigger their insides is really just an opportunity. They are opportunities to look at our individual selves more deeply, process why we are being triggered, and finally integrate our realizations into our own being. A relationship like this is filled with understanding and knowing that when the other person is reacting it is an opportunity to simply witness and allow for a response that will help each other grow consciously together. There is a respect for each other’s path and then a union where we support and celebrate our individual growth together along the way. It is not that I need you or that you need me. What we need is to recognize how individually powerful we are and that our union is to support our growth. We are here to respect all parts of ourselves wherever we may fall in our progressions. We have ideas and we share as divine friends. We have desires and we share our attractions. The opportunity is limitless in what a union of male and female can do together when they recognize that they support one another and allow this to happen.

They are not together out of ‘need’ anymore. These are the old ways of thinking that are quickly moving away. Even if you do not believe that your marriage (or past relationship) was based out of ‘need’ I am going to encourage you to take a long hard look before you decide. I’m sure there was an attraction that brought you together. Desires that you had that the other person met. Seemingly endless joy came to you when you were together and then you could not wait to feel those feelings again when you were apart. My question is, “Shouldn’t two people feel just as good about themselves individually when they are apart as they do when they are together?” I believe there is something inside a being that still needs to be looked at when he/she decides that those needs are only met when someone else enters their life. The line, “You complete me” just is not what it is about. There is nothing that another being can give you that will complete you. You must complete you. You must do the work to be the divine being that you are. To uncover the layers that reside and find the jewel that was hidden over the years. I must be the jewel in the moment. In recognizing that I am everything that I have been looking for I do not go out seeking it from another and then become disappointed when they do not live up to my expectations. Another being can never provide my completeness. This is between me and the universe. Expecting expectations from someone else only leads to disappointment, fear, anger, and anxiety. Let me be clear here…I am not saying that we should all depend on ourselves and live a life of personal independence from each other. No, this is not ‘it’ at all. We all have individual wants and needs that are all based on interacting and coming together with others in order to clearly communicate our needs and then find out if the party can reciprocate what we are looking for with open and genuine communication. What happens in ‘unions’ is that we usually have unresolved, unspoken, unaware emotional issues from our past that we are unknowingly seeking to be resolved through the other person. When the other person does not meet our unaware expectations then we set ourselves up for disappointment unknowingly that we are doing this. Then we wonder why we are so unhappy and wonder why we are with this person? At the time we came together we unconsciously thought that the other person could meet our needs. When if we had two balanced and aware beings come together in union knowing exactly what their purpose is for their union they would have a whole other level of relationship we have yet to be exposed to in every day society.

These people know who they are and have resolved to keep growing and developing their inner truths without codependence. They are together based on no other need but the need to support and help each other grow without attachment. These couples are free of the struggles that we see regularly joked about on TV sitcoms. Simply, they know that disagreements are conscious opportunities for growth. There is no need to argue and dismiss one another because they know that a resolution that satisfies both parties will always arise. This is the new relationship and the limitless possibility that I am moving into in my own life and my own relationship. It is inevitable that with all the releasing of emotional issues, purging of ideas and things that don’t ‘fit’ anymore that my relationships are shifting and moving to a much higher level of love, compassion, passion, and peace. When our inner lights can shine brightly and we are individually and collectively at peace with who we are then our matching partners and relationships will show up to meet us exactly where we are and where we envision our self in the future. Relationships based on conscious awareness are the most incredible, most powerful, most illuminating and loving of all.

Jen's Web (Part 14) Purging

I sit here this morning looking back on the last three days since I have been back from Disney. I made a commitment to bring back the same magic I felt in Disney here into my own life at home. I made this commitment because I believe that life is supposed to be filled with wonder and joy. The problem is that we make unconscious choices throughout our lives and then we wonder why we feel that life is difficult or not what we expected it to be. I am speaking merely from my own experience. I use the term we because I internally know there are some that feel the same way I do out there but not all. Most of the time, when I use the term ‘we’, I am referring to my own experiences. As many of you know, I have been wrestling with my ‘Father’ experiences as a child and have come to some form of acceptance and forgiveness over vacation. What I learned when I returned home is that there are still many layers to the “onion of healing” that become more and more apparent as we peel away each piece until we get to the heart of the issue. I have peeled away many layers over the years and just recently peeled away some of the layers that were closest to my heart. What I learned when I returned home from Disney was that before I could completely embrace joy, wonder, and magic in my life, and I mean COMPLETELY EMBRACE, I had to get to the heart of the current issues in my life, the center of the onion. Thus the heart of my ‘Father’ onion had returned.

When I walked into the doors of my home I realized that I did not feel that this was my home. I believe ‘home’ should exude feelings of connection, balance, and centering. It is a place of peace and grace. It is a sanctuary that is only filled with the people and things that are sacred. Everything that enters a home has special meaning and use. Everyone that enters a home should know that they have entered a sacred place that they have been invited to. The items and people that fill a home have special meaning and conscious thought that contribute to the essence of life. Home is respected and valued for its sacredness in our own lives and homes and the lives of every home that we visit. This is what I wanted my home to be like. What I found when I returned to my home was that what I wanted it to be was not what it actually was.

I saw myself surrounded by stuff that did not have meaning to me anymore. It may have had meaning to the Jen that was but it did not have meaning to the Jen that has emerged. Gifts that were given to me over the years filled every shelf not because I loved these things but because they were given to me and I did not know what to do with them. More stuff sat in the corners of the house and inside cupboards that have not been looked at in years. More stuff seeped out of overstuffed drawers because I have kept everything in case we may need it later on or could sell it for something down the road. I felt suffocated, cluttered, and a mess looking at how much stuff I have and how little I actually get from having all this stuff. It occurred to me….why do I have all this stuff? Why is it that I can go on vacation for 1 or 2 weeks and not miss this stuff at all but when I return home the feelings of freedom that vacation brings are always taken away? There is a freedom that comes when we get away from it all and do not have to worry about our stuff anymore. Why have I held onto this stuff? Why did I not purge something every time I received something new like they tell you to do in all those organization books that I read in my fruitless attempts to get organized? I have to say, my home is really not too bad as compared to some other homes that I have seen. And I do regularly purge items no longer used. The point is that I now completely embrace the notion of only holding onto things that have special, and I mean SPECIAL meaning, and those things that we use over and over again. It is not the stuff that fills our home that makes it a home, it is the people that live there and enter our sanctuary. If I am to completely embrace the joy I receive in believing this last statement then I have to start doing something about it. Before vacation I had begun the process of deeper purging but now I was feeling the push to get radical. Actually, I was so consumed with how cluttered and suffocated I felt when I had returned from Disney that I became sick and immobilized for two days. I was forced to sit and observe how much stuff we have that we do not use. Where did all this stuff come from? Why did I do nothing about this all these years? My only answer was unresolved emotions and self acceptance. I did not feel that I could purge what I internally knew we did not need anymore because I still felt emotionally attached to these items and I felt that my husband would have a temper tantrum (father issues again). I just did not want to go there. There are many issues that I had not approached with him due to having my own issues of my father and unconsciously not wanting to feel those unresolved feelings. I was afraid of being told, “No!” Then the little kid inside of me would just throw her arms across her chest in her own temper tantrum and say, “Humph (stomping her foot), I’ll show you, you can’t say no to me!” Getting rid of stuff was/is still one of the issues. Some of this stuff is not my stuff and it is shared by my husband. But I could not take it anymore! You see, my little kid sees him as a pack rat in many ways. Not a bad thing…but he always wants to save things in case we need it later, forgets that we even have the stuff, and goes out and buys it anyway because he can’t find it or forgets that we have it. So, enough is enough! I had it! I couldn’t live like this anymore, I can’t live like this anymore, and it was making me sick! So, I purged! In a frenzy of cleaning, sorting, and emptying; I purged! I started with my family room and boy did it feel good! I packed stuff up and put it in the basement for now until I find a home for all the stuff we don’t use anymore. It was necessary and it continues to be necessary for the health of me and my family. And what happened when Andy got home? Well, at first I felt like the little kid who had done something bad and was waiting for the parent to get home to scold her (father issues again). But I stood in those feelings, embraced them, and lived! Andy did his own huffing and puffing a bit, as I expected. But I think he found it liberating as well. He did some purging himself. He went through some piles of papers I had asked him to go through weeks ago and he began the process of downloading some long awaited family recordings from an old camcorder onto the computer. He sure was not happy with me at first but he did come around in the end.

This whole purging thing is necessary in my life right now. It must be done. I am not the little girl who is afraid of being who she is anymore. I have broken out of my cocoon. The illusion that I was living before continues to be stripped away. If I am going to embrace wonder and magic in my world then I have to have a home where I can feel safe to do and be who I am. We have to have a place of sanctuary that is full of meaning physically and spiritually. My kids will grow up living a conscious life. Creating a sanctuary that harbors conscious living is part of this. As a mother, I feel an incredible responsibility to live my truths so that my children will live theirs. My truth is telling me that I am not these ‘things’ anymore and it is time to let all of this stuff go that does not serve my internal purpose any longer. There are people out there in greater need than I, who have a greater appreciation for the things that I have that do not get used. Letting them go creates freedom and space in my heart. When we let go of that which no longer feeds our soul we raise our vibration and open our hearts for something greater to come along and enter our new being. Thank you.

Note- My immobilizing flu magically disappeared with all the stuff that was weighing me down.

Jen's Web (Part 13) Magic Within

It has been very enlightening to be at the greatest place on earth where dreams come true and everything is magical. A culmination of healing has surmounted into one large realm of full and total acceptance. An acceptance in many areas of my life and of most certainly an overall peace of mind and body has evolved. I still find myself reacting to minor incidence in life but I rapidly become aware and rest in the notion that they are old recordings playing back in my head which I am choosing to listen to. So, I imagine a way that I can stop the tape, rewind, and record a new song. Like all things creative we are just as creative as the world of make believe. Disney is filled with illumination, magic, wonder, and the feelings of belief. This was the perfect time to come to this magical place when we get to return home in a day and continue the magic with Christmas at bay. This place has helped me to remember that much of what I believe about life is made up in my head. Many of my beliefs have been passed down from generation to generation. These gifts that each member of my family has bestowed upon me have been openly received as a child. It is only now, when I am older, that I can see their worth and the intensity they reigned over my life. In recognizing how my world in the present has been shaped by the past I can develop a perspective based on who I am today and who I would like to continue to become in the future. I love the energy of Disney and the magic it promises. This world takes us back to our true beings as children before adults impacted our visions. It takes us to a time and place where we could look up at the characters, the lights, the shows, and fill our every sense with wonder and imagination. It is a place based on creativity and the notion that anything is possible if you just believe. It is a place where we can openly believe and be accepted for believing. This is the only place where we are asked to put our individual realities behind us and embrace another vision that may or may not line up with our own. And most of us do it.

Walking around the parks day in and day out I am consumed with watching parents and children be ‘wowed’ by what their senses take in. Faces light up, laughter become contagious, and an overall positive feeling about life is embraced. One can’t help but be caught up in the fun of it all. My question to you and to everyone is, “What happens when we go home to our routines of life?” What stops us from bringing home and keeping this fantasmic view of life day in and day out? How would our lives be different if we could keep this child like view of the world in every moment we encounter at home and in our work lives? It is only the energies of creativity and imagination that have been mastered and perfected here at Disney. They have figured a way to take a vision and allow it to grow immensely. They have the support of thousands and millions that see as they see. Why can’t we individually see the wonder of ourselves and express our own creativity? What is stopping us? This is JOY that I am speaking of. It is a feeling of absolute trust that nothing is impossible and everything will always be taken care of. We are like children when we are here and we trust in what the staff and characters have to offer us and we allow ourselves to be taken care of and swept away in all that they have to offer. What is keeping us from believing in ourselves the same way that we can believe in something outside of us? We can do this in our own individual and collective worlds. We can. The problem is that we keep returning to and listening to our old recordings. We hear our mother or father in the background giving us advice on how we should direct our decisions in almost every situation in our lives. We base what we do in our worlds on the perspectives of the outside world and not on what the voice within is trying to tell us. We were all born and made of the same stuff that I like to call joy. The problem is that as children we are taught to believe in the fears of those around us and ‘Walla’ this becomes our life! All we have to do is lead life with an open heart and allow our dreams to unfold. It is that simple. The problem is that these reactions are so ingrained in our cells that we immediately react to situations without thinking or feeling. There is a solution to this. We need to slow down. I mean really slow down. Slow down and stop to smell the roses. If we allow the emotions that we resist to just ‘be’ then we will begin to know that all they are, are just that, emotions. Emotions left over from what we never received as a child. What we have today as adults is an opportunity to take care of and remold that child within each of us. We can slow down, recognize the child, give that child everything he or she always wanted and thus allow our current realities to be transformed into a magical life. We are all children filled with wonder and amusement. We are NEW children that have the wisdom and the peace in knowing that life is a place of joy, wonder and opportunity.

These same feelings are harvested here in Disney that we enjoy so much. It is these same feelings that can be taken and transplanted at home no matter what happens in our lives. We can feel joy in seemingly mundane and ordinary parts of our lives. We can create whatever we like if we so choose. I do believe it is that simple. That life should be lead with no worries and that Disney has pioneered something that everyone should embrace. If I believe in the same fundamental beliefs as Disney then magic will truly embrace my life and everyday will be like a new adventure. Today, I spend my last day at Disney grateful for the lessons I have learned and fully embracing each moment of life knowing that the greatest place on earth is right here within me. I have had it all along.

Jen's Web (Part 12)

Yesterday was a great day. I was a bit nervous about getting back together with my uncle after almost 5 years. It turned out to be a pleasant meeting. He was welcomed openly by my family and he settled in comfortably very quickly. I found that the ‘little girl’ in me who based her life on survival skills finally felt comfort with her dad’s return. I say ‘dad’, because he took the role of a father in a most tumultuous time of my life. My children instinctively were calling him grandpa many times throughout the day. I felt the distance between us disappear and a new relationship begin building. This new relationship feels distinctly better and easier. Even my husband commented on what he saw at the end of the day. He remarked, “You two seem different, more relaxed, and fun to be around.” I knew what he was talking about. I felt it too. Our relationship seemed to be emerging into a place of sheer enjoyment. The old feelings of dependence and intense survival had drifted away. New feelings of peace and inspiration had entered. Now, we can just ‘be’ with each other. No more, do I depend on him to ‘save’ me and he does not feel an urgent need to teach me everything he can in a short amount of time. Being together has amplified the experience of letting go of the old survivor and embracing the new peace of our relationship. I can sit with him and listen to his stories because now they are just stories of life. There is no need to learn something that he loves to teach. I am no longer his student of life.

Today, I saw a special bond emerge between Ethan, my oldest son, and my uncle. On long trips where we do a lot of walking, we use an oversized stroller for Ethan. This is to help him keep up with the group due to having to use his arms and legs in order to walk. Likewise, my uncle’s body does not allow him to walk long distances anymore, so he too needs to take it easy and take breaks often. Ethan in the stroller and my uncle with his walking were a perfect match. My uncle enjoyed pushing Ethan around because it gave him something to lean his body on and something to do. He could position himself just right so that when he walked he could put some of his body weight on the stroller handles thus easing the weight of his walking, helping him to go farther and longer. Ethan loved the personal attention. My uncle and Ethan walked everywhere together. My uncle enjoyed the opportunity to tell stories and have personal conversations with Ethan. There was a light that joined these two that I had never seen before between them. Watching them taught me a lot about my son, my uncle, and myself. My uncle had found a new student to teach and I could peacefully observe from the side lines.

As I watched throughout the day I began to remember and reacquaint myself with whom I was and who I am. My uncle loves to tell children creative stories and teach them life through examples. At one point, Ethan and my uncle were sitting off to the side while the rest of us shopped. My uncle pulled out a fountain pen and decided to tell Ethan a long story about the history of pens and writing. By no means was this a boring story and by every means was Ethan fully interested in what he had to say. It reminded me of where I get my love of telling stories on paper and how I used to love to sit where Ethan is and listen to such stories. The creative side was showing and I was proud to be a witness. At another point in the evening my uncle pulled out some gifts he had brought along for the kids. He bought Eleanor a doll, which he had a story of how he found the doll and where it came from. Then he gave the boys individual ukuleles. He had a story for these as well and took the kids through a teaching session of how to use the instruments. The way he teaches is full of patience and quite inspiration. Watching him creatively tell his stories and keep a 3, 6 and 8 year olds full attention was amazing and inspiring.

Overall, I learned more about my uncle and relationships today than ever before. Now that we have put survival behind us we can move forward openly and lovingly into a new relationship. We have spoken of times in the future of getting together and visits that we would like to make with each other. It is a relief to see the light that was inspired in all of us today and a giant leap forward of healing for me. I am thankful that I can finally rest and enjoy a significant person in my life in the present moment. The past is truly now just the past and the present has become the only moment we have together. This is a remarkable feeling to have and another gift added to our lives. Thank you.

Jen's Web (Part 11) Disney Continued

This morning I woke up ready to dive into my next uncovering of feelings and emotions that have been unresolved for so long. I have already touched upon my dad and my mom and the gifts that they were able to give me during the short time we were together in my childhood. There is another figure, my uncle, who has played a large role in my life. Through him I have had much to learn about life and living. My uncle, my mother’s brother, grew up in New York City in the 1950s. He managed to put himself through college and work his way up to a very respectable and high level position in the New York City United Federation of Teachers. He was a union man and still is today. He was my rock as a child. He gave me a sense of security. In a time of my life when my mother was dying of cancer and my father was unable to take care of his wife, my brother or I, my uncle stepped in and took over the basic securities in life. Food, shelter, and clothing all were provided by him. He knew how to take care of the basics so that I could survive. He used to say to me, “Jennifer, there is one thing we both have in common, we’re both survivors.” This is what brought us together. In a tumultuous time in my life he recognized the need for stability and stepped in to provide as much as he knew how. He made sure that I had enough to eat, a place to sleep, and that I had clothing. At that time in my life I had one year left in high school and no place to live. I could not live with my father who was unfit to handle children. I did have a choice. I could either move to NYC or live with a friend and her family who had graciously asked me, so that I could finish high school. I wanted deeply to stay in Connected (where I grew up) and finish school living at my friends home. My Uncle helped me to put this all together. And even later that year when the plans that had been set did not seem to be working out he helped to come up with a resolution. It seems that whenever I needed ‘emergency’ care in my life my Uncle was there to step in and take over. It was a nice feeling to have a ‘hand’ watching over you. And this is what he could afford to give me.

The other parts of development that a child so desperately needs, feelings of safety, nurturing, understanding, connection, compassionate love were developed as best they could and still lacked the nurturing only a mother knows how to provide. Thus, the compassionate side of me mildly blossomed and survival instincts reigned. With all that had happened and the genes I was given I have finally realized I was given the gift of being a master ‘survivor’ at a very young age. What do you do when you are a survivor? You do what you have to do in order to survive. Your focus is on food, a place to sleep, and in my case getting out of Connecticut and to college where I could escape the world I grew up in. My uncle helped me tremendously to develop my survival instincts and how to make it in a world that could be threatening. And when he felt he had completed his job, like any primal animal that has finished teaching their young, he released me to the world. Thus, the phone calls and the visits began to dwindle. Like any other child who did not have the opportunity to develop her compassionate side, I did not have it in me to reach out and tell him that I did still need him in other ways. That I would have enjoyed being around him more often and had the opportunity to learn more about his life and not just the survival skills. That is what humans do and makes us different from primates. But I have to accept that he could not see this and I could not tell him. We drifted apart and we lost touch for many years. Occasionally we would speak or send cards around the holidays but for the most part our relationship was put on the bleachers. Until recently…

Today, we have an opportunity to reignite an old relationship with new wings. He is driving to Orlando, Florida (2 hours from where he lives) to meet up with my family where we are vacationing for a week. I took a risk several months ago and called him with the intent of asking him to come and visit us while we were down here. At first, like all survivors do, he said no because he didn’t think he could make the drive. As the weeks went by he allowed his feelings to embrace him and he changed his mind with a plan to come and visit. Today we come together with new eyes and a new relationship based on pure compassion. I am no longer the lost child that needed a stern hand in directing my life. I am a woman with her own family that still needs love and nourishment from family. He is the piece of ‘family’ that remains connected to my past and to our past. There are still many gifts that can be received and given between us. As a woman, I am safe to ask him questions that have never been asked and feel feelings with him I never felt allowed to feel. I can open my heart even more in his presence. Our lives are no longer based on survival instincts. It is my hope that through our new relationship that I realize even more the essence of where I came from and how my family, generations of the past, survived. We were masters of survival. In understanding the masters of survival I can embrace their gifts and move on to develop further the skills of compassion, nurture, and love in my own life with my own children. And the survival part? I can let that rest. I don’t have to survive anymore. I can let go of the rope I had been holding onto for so long and trust that when I fall my wings will spread and safely allow me to gently land or take off and fly, if I so choose. I was given the gift of survival because this is what my uncle was great at. He was this master, I do not need to master this in my life…it has already been done. I am allowed to let my creative energy flow so that I can develop parts of this generation that were unable to be developed. Like the creative ear for music that my mother had, the artistic painter and pianist of my uncle. It is my turn to let this go and develop the passion within so that I can pass on the importance of following passion in your life and trusting that all will be provided for. This is my gift that I will pass onto my children. All will be provided for if we trust, follow our hearts desire, and let go. This world is a safe place and we can do anything we dream. A survivor does not ‘think’ this way. My role is to finally break this cycle of generations of survivors. To say thank you for their gift and allow the peace of knowing to filter down to the generations to come. It is time to thrive on passions of the heart and allow life to be joyful. Life is no longer about surviving it is about bringing in joy. I thank my uncle and my mom and the generations of this family that have given me this enlightening gift. To live is to be joy and let passion reign over our eternal being of who we are. Thank you.

Jen's Web (Part 10) Disney

We are on vacation in Disney World this week... Here is a series of events and blogs for the week...

Here we are on vacation to Disney World when I learn that I still have much to learn. Coming down here I thought I had a pretty good grasp on my life and the healing that I just completed with my mom. But now I realize that much needs to be healed with my dad. You see, my dad was a very good man. He was a wonderful person deep inside. Somewhere along the way of life he was beaten down and began to believe that he was not worthy. I resonate with much of his energy because he is my dad. I am his little girl. The safety and peace I was supposed to get being ‘daddy’s girl’ did not occur in my life but I can relate to and understand why he became the good man that he was and the ferocious alcoholic beast at times. In his 40s raising two kids he was truly just a kid himself with unresolved issues that took over his being and compromised his ability to be a father figure in his children’s lives. I do not know much about my father’s side of the family. I never met my dad’s dad (grandpa). He was not alive when I was a child. I do know that I ‘heard’ stories about him. These stories were not told directly to me. They were the kind of stories you’re not supposed to hear as a child. When the adults are secretly whispering about past events a child can over hear plenty. From what I heard, he was a drinker. I am not sure of the cause of his death but he did not measure up to a very supportive father to his son (my dad).

My grandmother was still alive when I was younger and she was not exactly the most peaceful soul either. I can imagine they must have made a pretty scary team for a child. She was a large woman who wore housecoats all day long and would only venture outside once a day to get the mail out of the mailbox. There was a lot of fear instilled in her and I’m not sure where that all came from but I imagine that it was passed down from generation to generation. So, as you can imagine, my dad did not have much of a chance to grow up into a responsible, supportive, peaceful, and loving being. He knew fear. That is what he was used to. That energy was familiar to him, comfortable, and that is what he had become by the time I was 5 years old. Being a responsible father that made money, took care of a household, and raising two kids was too much for him. It was a grand task that had too many links to his past and too many opportunities to venture into old unexplored and unresolved issues of his own childhood. Thus he took out his unexpressed anger and stress on alcohol. It was his escape from the illusion of his reality. My dad believed that life had to be difficult because that is all he saw as a child. Alcohol was the only way he knew out. Again, this is all he knew because this is all he was taught. This is what my grandmother and grandfather had shown him. They enjoyed their drinks but then at the end of the day the depression set in; arguments and fist fights were the inevitable. My dad knew nothing else but to unconsciously repeat the same mistakes with his own family. Unfortunately, my mom could not recognize this pattern herself because she grew up with the yelling and fighting in her own house without the alcohol, just another form of abuse. My mom put up with the abuse and they went round and round in the endless circle of their lives. Until, sickness (cancer) became the only way out of her illusion and death the only way to end the pain and misfortune in her life. Thus, ending it all for all of us.

When my dad was not drinking he was actually a good man. He would do some of the things that fathers do…he would pick me up from school occasionally, tell me stories about his dreams, and love me in the best way he knew how. Love from him came in the form of a gentle look, a calm voice, and a ‘knowing’ that he would never physically hurt me. Ironically, I was the only one in the family my father would never hit. There would be nights when my dad would come home intoxicated at the end of the day, begin arguing with my mom, and suddenly it would turn into a raging fight. My brother, five years older than me, would come to my mom’s rescue only to be pummeled by my dad as well. I would even try to get in the mix, thinking I could save them all. I was the super hero with super powers that could stop the whole thing if I tried hard enough; and so I thought. I would climb on my dad’s back and pull on his arms and fists to stop him from hitting my mom or brother. I would even throw myself on top of the victim. Of course, he would either pick me up and throw me aside or push me away to get the ‘annoying kid’ out of his way. Occasionally he would stop when I intervened. Most of the time I was yelled at and told to go back to my room so that they could continue on their own and eventually stop or I would have to call 911 in order to get the police to come over and stop the craziness. So, I guess I really was a super hero with super powers, in a way. With super powers come feelings of super responsibility. It takes a high amount of sensitivity to be so tuned into whether or not I could stop a fight. I was so tuned in that I used to call my mom at work and warn her whenever my dad would come home drunk so that she would stay away and not come home. I knew my dad would not hurt me so it was safer if I took the responsibility to save everyone. It was just easier that way. (Few….that was a huge load off my back to express all of that)

Overall, my dad had the best intentions and just could not get it together. He did not believe in himself enough to believe that he could do it. That he could kick the alcohol habit and become the strong, peaceful, graceful being he is. Fear was his illusioned life. (As I sit here writing I can feel the presence of his fearful energy within me and I know that this energy is still within the cells of my being) My intent in writing down and sharing these experiences is to fully share and release these energies for good and forever. I am a part of my dad. If I can heal myself then a part of him and a part of all of us is healed. You see, I love this part of my dad that made all those mistakes. In him making all those mistakes he had much to teach me and my family. Living in fear does not work. It only creates more fear for us all; and what good does that do? It does not make for a joyous and loving life. It only takes us deeper into the bowels and trenches of life. If I can look at it as an opportunity to heal then I have much to gain. My dad believed in fear and anger and that was the energy of his life. He did not know how to get out of the trenches. Even with all of his attempts to do good he still fell back to what he was used to and what was familiar. This only teaches me to continue to go forward and trust that if I believe in the energies of love, peace, and grace that that is exactly what I will be given. Even in times where things do not seem to be going well, I do not need to go back to the familiar fear like my dad. I can instead sit with that fear that harbors and is left over from my child hood, nurture it and tell it that she is going to be ok and that those feelings are just fine. I can allow her to rest in knowing that those feelings will pass. I don’t need to cover them up with anything that I think will make it all feel better. I don’t need to avoid those feelings or run from my deepest fears. I can just be with them and know that in being with them they have no power over me and I never need to go back and stay in the place that I grew up or the events of my past. Ultimately, that is all it all is; just my past. What happens in my life today are new opportunities for growth, learning, and peace. They are opportunities to move forward and live a life of joy. In seeing the gifts of my dad and his struggles in life I know that I do not have to repeat those behaviors. There is another way. There is another door to open and walk through and I can create the kind of reality that fits me; love.

I thank my father for giving me the gift of knowledge and for teaching me how to navigate my life in peace. Through all the chaos there was still light. And that light can shine now that she knows who she was and is today. Thanks dad, I love you.

More to come...

Jen's Web (Part 9)

I sit here this morning in deep contemplation over life and living. When I began this blog many years ago I had the intention of bringing women together to connect and express their true being, their true divinity, & their true godliness. Then my writings were shaped and transferred into issues that concerned my son, Ethan. And now I feel a momentous return to who I am and expressing my true being on the forefront.

I woke up this morning with a sudden need and desire to do just what I am feeling. It has been tossing and turning within me for many years and I feel that I finally have the capacity to express what has been stirring and shifting within my soul for so long. It is the idea that we are all divine beings with the capacity to create our own Heavens on Earth. As a mom in the suburbs I am often caught up in the illusions of my everyday life. The morning routine of getting the kids ready and off to school, going on with the everyday tasks, and then returning together in the evening for activities and dinner. As a society we are bombarded with recommendations on how to handle all of what we take on in our new fast paced world of electronics, busy schedules, and endless activities. Recently, it has become the fad to purge out what we do not need anymore, reduce, reuse and recycle. I feel that there is something great in this notion on so many levels that is important to take great time and care to listen to.

Reduce, reuse, and recycle. Reduce the clutter in our lives not only externally but internally. Reuse and revive our lives. Recycle ourselves into something new and glorious…the lives and beings we were supposed to be from early on…our soul’s original intentions. I can speak from experience. I grew up in a ‘crazy’ family, if you will, filled with fear, anger, and resentment. Alcohol was abundant, cancer rampant, and mental illnesses living furiously. The notion of scarcity and distrust was strong throughout the generations of my family. Thus, I took much of this on and grew up believing that it was completely up to me to make it in life. I could not depend on anyone else, ever. The risk was too great. This followed me wherever I went and my life was shaped around these notions. But, somewhere deep within my heart I just wanted a family that would take care of me so that I could finally get what I never had as a child; peace. On many levels, this is what I thought I had finally found when I met my husband to be and his family. I was flabbergasted that the ‘Leave it to Beaver’ life still existed. (A black and white TV show that epitomized what American society believed was the perfect family life back in the 1950’s) Dad went to work while Mom stayed at home with the children raising the kids and taking care of the household. Sincerely, this type of family is all I thought that I wanted. I did not know it at the time but all I truly really wanted was a life of internal peace. I was still filled with the struggles of distrust and the notion that I had to work and ‘make it’ on my own. It was a duality of wanting to trust but then rejecting it every time trust showed its face.

So, I tried to ‘make it’ and still have the family life. When my son was born with spina bifida I tried for many years to still work outside the home but found that truly my heart was still in the home with family. It has only been recently that I have realized that the reason I had so many illusions about family life verses the working life is because before I could go out into the world and ‘work’ I had to clear out and become who I truly am and always have been. I had to purge the clutter in my internal home from within. My son, Ethan, has helped me to realize this. Through his disability and healing I have come to realize that life was never about healing Ethan or anyone else and it was always about healing Jennifer. As it is today, I am truly and finally comfortable with myself and who I am. In this new found comfort I can accept those that come into my world of existence, including those that do not resonate with my beliefs. Of course, I still have many moments where I become caught up in the illusions of scarcity and fear but the more I practice the reality of no duality the more that peace instantly appears and becomes my existence and the existence of those who surround me.

So, in this moment on this morning I wish for another new beginning for you, for me, and for everyone who reads this blog. I pray for an existence for you that is filled with abundance, grace, peace, love, and ‘knowing’. A ‘knowing’ that there is a Heaven right here on Earth in each of our corners of the world. And to get there, I pray that you purge what you no longer need in your life. I pray that you get rid of the cob webs in your life that are blocking the light from shining within. I pray that you see the essence of who you are and that you take the time to nourish this essence in order to let it vibrate and shine. The Heaven I speak of is the ‘knowing’ of exactly who we are and the ‘being’ that we were always meant to become. It is my hope that through connecting together we can all ‘see’ each other as godly creations that are connected and one. We are here to celebrate and enrich each other in joyous ways. This is a huge step for many of us; and even now I still struggle with this idea in my own life. But if I could just take a moment to open my heart a little wider and a little deeper I would see that the struggles that I fear are from past programming in my childhood and really have nothing to do with who I really am today and who I have always been. If I truly believe in Heaven on Earth, I can release and let go joyfully these notions of past programming and never have to return to the habits of fear and scarcity. I can purge, reboot my program, recycle my soul, and reuse my life.

Today I take one step or maybe two or three steps or a full leap! Further and further into the reality that we have and are everything that we have always wanted to be; peace and pure joy. We are joyous beings no matter, neither what is going on in our lives at this moment nor how ‘bad’ things may seem to be. That is just it…they just seemingly are what you think they are. Let’s not think. Let grace fill you up and ‘know’ the illumination. I may be beginning to sound ‘out there’ and a bit ‘woozy’ but this is truly how I feel. If each one of us took the time to be in the moment in every moment and see each other as godly creations we would slow down enough to truly know that there is nothing ever to fear. Ever! We are all here, first and foremost, just to help each other on so many levels. We need each other and the draw that we feel towards some is because we feel a safe place with them. The distance we feel with others is because of a mirror for ourselves of issues within us that we are being asked to discover, see, and let go. Today, I let go of more fear and more scarcity in order to bring in sheer joy and sheer trust. I am rebooted, refurbished, and recycled. My new model that has emerged is much better than the old. It is red and shiny and ready to live. It is beyond limitation and full of glory. It is who I am. I trust that you will do the same and see how joyful living openly can be. I don’t know many of you but I trust that I already do. Thank you.

Ethan's Web (Part 13)

I have not done an update for Ethan in awhile so I thought I should try to include as much as possible. School has been going very well for Ethan this year. Taking an extra year in 2nd grade seems to be just what he needed. His confidence has exploded like a garden hose building up with pressure from being twisted or kinked. He is surrounded by friends at school and comes home excited from the great days he is having every day. Academically, he is thriving. The wheels are turning and he is constantly asking questions and curious about so many different facts. Often, we are driving in the car when Ethan comes up with question after question about life and how things work. He is constantly trying to figure the world out. Physically, he is still going to the chiropractor 1-2 times per week depending on the week. He is still wearing head weights and standing on a vibration platform. This may sound kind of odd but the platform sends vibrations throughout his body that help to stimulate and strengthen his muscles. Weird huh? It almost sounds like something from new age science fiction or a hokey pokey thing. But it is working. His strength and balance are improving. He is getting so much better that we have quickly come to a turning point in his therapy. In just about a week he will be getting more weights and he will be standing on increasingly stronger platforms that wiggle and sway while they vibrate. He enjoys the challenge and he says that he feels stronger. He is also feeling more when he goes to the bathroom. He will often tell me that he has ‘to go’ and take care of going to the bathroom on his own. At least twice a week Ethan will tell me that he feels something. We just keep encouraging him and praising him for paying attention. He says that it is hard for him to feel anything during the day when he is busy at school but when he is at home or just finished with doing an enema in the evening times is when he can sense something the most.

Currently, China remains on hold. We are still waiting on Dr. Xiao and when he can perform the procedure. Meanwhile, we have looked into the possibility of stem cells and have this as another possibility if we decide further. The most promising stem cell research and treatments have been done in China. There have been two other children with Spina Bifida that are known to have received stem cells that have seen strengthening and healing in places that were not possible before. I go back and forth with these possibilities in my head very often. I wondered to myself why the Xiao procedure kept being pushed back when it seemed to want to take off in a fury. It seems odd, with all the preparations we made in the beginning which have now just settled down to waiting. Waiting can be kind of difficult at times. All sorts of thoughts run through my head. And I begin to wonder if this actually was the right road to pursue. But I have learned to just quite my brain and trust that it will be worked out in its given and exact moment.

In the mean time we remain steadfast in our journey. With each step we take day by day come new revolutions. Ethan’s journey continues to be a journey for us all. I have been writing on ‘Jen’s Web’ more often due to the revolutions that come to me through watching Ethan and my other children grow and become. Ethan’s journey is what initiated the ideas that run through my head and has helped me to understand that healing comes from within. There is not a day that goes by that I am not fully aware of how far we have come and that this moment is all we have. We continue with our journey and keep watching as Ethan and all our children keep growing and becoming. For now, we are savoring the moments and enjoying how Ethan is blossoming. He is coming fully into his being. He is helpful with others, independent, and purely loving. He is pure acceptance.

We continue to see Ethan as whole and perfect and allow ourselves to be clearly directed daily. China will come when it is time in the most optimal form that is best for Ethan.

Jen's (Part 8) 'Gft 44'

Gft44

I woke up at 3am to my daughter who needed a hug and some reassurance in the middle of the night before returning back to her bed. Then I lay there, unable to go back to sleep but wanting to go back to sleep so much. Wishing I could, but I kept tossing and turning. Finally, I got up out of frustration over not sleeping and having a spouse who is sound asleep next to you. Part of me wanted to swing my arm over and wallop him for being able to sleep and me being wide awake. This is not the first time this has happened. It has been like a tea kettle that gets hotter and hotter and just ready to explode! It is quite often that I go up to bed first and then later in the night my husband sneaks into bed. Sometimes, in the middle of the night I will wake to a child needing a hug, put back to bed, or a drink of water. When I do get back to bed I find that I can’t fall back to sleep. So, I lay there listening to the sound of his heavy breathing and occasional snoring in sheer frustration over my sleeplessness. So, I finally get up! I come downstairs and get on my laptop computer to sit and do only what I know to do, write. In my half awakened state, I wonder inside my head, over and over again… “What am I going to write about, what am I going to write about, damn I wish I could sleep, this sucks! What am I going to write about? Do I have to write? Can’t I go back to sleep? Damn I wish I could sleep! What am I going to write about, oh this couch feels comfy enough to go to sleep on, but my mind is racing, I have stuff to say, and I can’t sleep! What am I going to write about?!” Then, I finally lean over my computer to turn on the light next to me and as I look back on my screen I find the words ‘Gft44’ on my screen. Wow, I am still writing about ‘Gft44’. More of my Mom stuff! The gift of 44. Now, looking back, I say wow what a gift, to be given something to write about so easily. At the same time, I have to tell you this has still been a tough week with all that I have been shedding about my past and my revelations with my mom. It is good to get this all out of my body and into the open but at the same time I find it tough to open my heart so deeply. As they say sometimes, “Love hurts”. (A song lyric comes to mind singing in my head)

So, I’m wondering, “Gft 44; what is the gift that my mom at age 44 was able to give me?” I already talked about how in the anniversary of her death and the synchronistic healing that my ‘new’ mom had here in Detroit last week I was able to see her life with new eyes and celebrate who my mom was and the vibrant woman she used to be. But I can’t help but think more of what life might have been like for her. What was she like? What did she ‘Gift’ me by leaving at 44 years old? I don’t have allot of beautiful memories of my mom before she became sick with colon cancer; just a few. Most of my memories are of her struggles in her relationship with my father. There always seemed to be a new drama unfolding at our house. It was either an argument about money or alcohol. My mom worked diligently because my dad never had a steady job. She would tirelessly go to work in the morning and come home at night to take care of the home and her children. I always remember having a meal on the table and it always being prepared by my mom. I never remember my mom drinking alcohol. It was only my dad. I remember arguments. There were arguments between my mom and dad about bills, and alcohol. Mainly, because my dad would come home drunk because of his inability to cope with life. My mom would just break down out of sheer frustration and ‘let him have it’ for again being a failure. My dad would either crumble in despair like a scolded puppy dog or he would retaliate with his fists. No talking, just yelling, screaming, and hitting. They had a very bitter/sweet marriage. I have to imagine that when my parents met they were very much in love with each other. My mother used to talk of having many boyfriends. One of which was a Doctor, “We could have had a doctor for a daddy.” She used to tell us in front of MY daddy, just to piss him off and because she was disappointed in him. She said these things because she was so unhappy in her own marriage that she had to at least express what she thought she could have been and the life she could have had. Let’s face it; her current life of abuse was not her dream life. But she chose my dad. Why? Gosh, good question, I guess it was his good looks and gruff kind of charm. He was a very nice man who had a rough love to him. He never actually came over and embraced me or held my hand as a child. I just remember a wrestling kind of dad who just would laugh and push on your shoulder to make a connection. Everything was kind of shrugged off and the close personal hugs, kisses, and snuggles of daddy time were nonexistent. Every once in awhile he would pull you over and tell you how sorry he was for drinking and causing fights the night before and promise never to do it again. Besides the pushes on the shoulder, that was as personal as he would get.

I guess when I look back at my parents and the life they made, I can honestly say it was like living in a household of big kids raising little kids. The big people, who are supposed to be your parents and ‘know it all’ were raising the completely innocent ‘little people’. In many ways, I can relate to this today. Often, as a wife and a parent, I don’t know what the hell I am doing and even if I am doing the right thing in my marriage or with my children. I question my actions quite often out of fear that I might be making the same mistakes they did. When, all I can do, and the best that I can do, is to just live in the moment and live from my heart.

Sometimes, I look at my parents out of disbelief of the life that they led together. I mean really, what more could they do or what more did they know of? Surely, they, themselves, were still kids that grew up in battered homes and lived only the kind of life they had ever known life to be. My uncle, my mother’s brother, would tell me stories (when I was older) of how he lived in a house that was filled with yelling and screaming and abuse at times. That even my grandparents only knew how to communicate in this way. Thankfully, they were not influenced by alcohol and it was only the yelling and battered gene that they passed down to the next generation, (bad joke). I do not know much about my dad’s side of the family. He has never talked about any of the abuse that triggered the fighting and alcoholism gene in him but I know it is there. As a child, there was a time when I lived with my grandmother (my dad’s mother) just downstairs from us in our home. It was a perfect set up in my mother’s eyes. She moved in because of various reasons and being unable to live in NYC by herself anymore and my parents were assured that ‘someone’ would at least be home when their kids came home from school and they were at work. But, she was far from a grandmotherly type of person. Her way of babysitting, was pounding on the roof of her home with a broomstick (just downstairs) to get us to stop fighting or making so much noise. She would yell up to us to “Knock it off, and you kids just wait till your parents get home and I tell them how bad you have been!” Well, that was all my tired mom needed to hear or my intoxic dad needed to know at the end of his day. You can imagine the rest.

Anyway, my parents aimlessly, came together out of sheer passion. They were illusioned to believe they were going to have the American dream. But something never kept my family together. They were destined to fall apart. Plague and heartache was rampant and they did not have the tools to heal their life. So, you may still be wondering, “What was the Gift of 44?” In my mother’s short time she gifted me with the thought of what family could be, and can be about. Even though, her family did not work out to be exactly what she wanted it to be, she had an idea, and she wanted it desperately to work. I know that she tried her hardest and that what she did seemed to fail, and did fail, in the sense of what a family really should be about. If we consider for a moment, “How many of us actually ‘know’ what family is?” What is family? A family, to me, is a connection between people that have common interests and/or ideas about life. Family is what brings people together, closer together to live in a place of love, sharing, and peace. As humans, we have family everywhere. We can connect with each other on multiple ways that brings us all as close to each other as we allow. Through the gift of my family I have learned that I can create family any where I go and whoever I may come in contact with. My closest family is the family that I am creating with my children, but I have so many families as well. I have to admit, I am not very good at this ‘family idea’ all the time. I am trying, just like my mom, to break the cycle of generations of heartache so as not to pass it along to my own children. Quit often, I fail at this idea. I find myself slipping into old patterns, becoming upset about my slip ups, and then having to pick myself up and ‘start all over’ again. It is important though that I continue to take the steps to remember who I am and where many of my thoughts and beliefs came from. Talking about my past and journeying back helps me to see why I react and act the way I do in my own family. I don’t have my parents, so going deeper to remember in hopes of ‘knowing’ who I am and where I come from helps me understand why I instinctively do the things that I do. In knowing this, I am empowered to change and do things differently with my own new family today. My mom did the things she did, because she learned from her family how to do life that way. And why did she stay with a man such as my dad? Because she believed in family and that there could be a happily ever after. Unfortunately, that is not the way it turned out but at least I saw her try as hard as she could and never give up in a man that did not have it in him to heal before it was too late. But that is the way life is sometimes, right? Like the song says, “You never know what you’ve got till it’s gone, they put up a parking lot, oooo, da, da, da, da, oh and don’t always seem to go, you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” So, I guess he never knew and she never knew so now it is my turn to KNOW so that I know now what I’ve got and NOT when it’s gone. Thanks MOM, for Gift 44.

Jen's Web (Part 7) 'Old and New'

Today is the 21 year anniversary of my mother’s surrender to colon cancer. On November 8, 1998 my mom passed away in a hospital in Greenwich, Connecticut. She spent several years fighting for her life until she could not any longer. Ironically, it has been a week since my mother in law has come to visit us in Michigan from Kansas and has spent the entire week in a hospital. My mother and father in law were coming for 3 days to visit with and enjoy their three grand kids, Ethan, Aiden, and Eleanor, for the Halloween weekend. Unfortunately, my mother in law became ill and had to go to the hospital in order to figure out what was going on. The days became long and drawn out as they spent many hours in an urgent care facility up the street, then had to be transported to a hospital emergency room for approximately 10 hours until they thought they knew what was going on. Finally, we thought the problem was solved, a bowel obstruction, that seemed to release after performing several external procedures. She was sent home and we were all very relieved. But, that same evening, the pain, and nausea returned in such a fury that we had to again order an ambulance to take her back to the hospital. This time we chose a different hospital where we were sure that she would receive better care. Within hours her problem was diagnosed and the doctors and nurses were on their way to resolving the issue. She eventually had to undergo surgery and is currently recovering nicely. She was released yesterday and finally came home to spend the day with her grand children. All in all, a 3 day trip had turned into a 10 day emergency and necessary healing in the hospital.

I am honored to have them here in our presence going through such a complicated recovery. I am honored that I have been given another opportunity to heal old wounds with a mother that is no longer around (I’ll call her the ‘old’ mom) in the presence of a ‘new’ mom (my mother in law). I would not want this to happen anywhere else. My new mom is doing very well and it is a relief to see her happy, smiling, eating, walking, and having fun with life again.

I have to thank her for another reason. You see, without her even knowing she has helped me resolve a childhood issue from long ago. At age 16, I went through the loss of my own mother who was 44 years old. Her name was Eleanor, and she died of colon cancer. Ironically, my new mom had an obstruction in her colon that needed to be surgically removed. Unknowingly, I was reliving my mother’s complications. I became so involved in the illusion of the same scenario that I began to see signs of further complications. At one point, I asked my husband to make sure that he find out all he could about her condition and ask them to not dismiss the idea that she could have colon cancer out of fear that this may be the same scenario. It wasn’t till later that I realized what I was doing.

I finally made the connection one day when I was able to pause, breathe, cry and remember all the feelings and emotions I held in my body for the past 21 years. 21 years since my mother died and now I am finally releasing the last layers of anxiety, self doubt, and regret over the situation. I regretted not being there enough for her, for not tuning into the lovely being that she was, for not consoling her and telling her what a great job I thought she did with me and my brother despite her situation. I regretted not cheering her on more and helping her to see how incredible she was/is. This week it all changed. I was blessed to watch my ‘new’ mom recover from external ‘wounds’ while I healed my internal ‘wounds’ of my relationship with my ‘old’ mom at the same time. I had the opportunity to hold my new mom’s hand, give her a kiss on the cheek, take walks, and tell stories. I was given moments to nurture, to love, and to be loved by another woman who I see as my mom. This, I could not do with my old mom. This, I never got to do with my old mom. I was too young at the time to understand. My old mom was too busy wrapped up in the illusions of her own life to see what she had in front of her eyes with me. She had an alcoholic husband, a failing marriage, and a fight with cancer. Life, in her eyes, was too difficult. Healing, for her, was not an option. Life was not worth living. She was tired and ready to go.

Life changed for me this week when my new mom recovered here in Michigan. The first day after my new mom’s surgery, I was driving to the hospital, when I finally realized the connections to my old mom. For example, my new mom had an infection in the same area that my old mom had 21 years ago. When I pulled into the parking spot of the hospital, I pulled into parking spot 16 (my age when my mother died of colon cancer). The number 44 was appearing to me everywhere, on clocks, books, phones, and including the hospital room number of my new mom (the age of my old mom when she died). When I first walked into the room of my new mom I immediately noticed a screen saver picture, on my father in law’s computer, flash upon the screen of my new mom and me smiling together. Finally, the sights and sounds of the hospital room were distinctly similar and very reminiscent of 21 years ago and the endless days at the hospital that year. I could feel, for my father in law who spent countless hours at her side every day. I know what this is like. Overall, there is one huge difference. My new mom is living and came home. My old mom did not. Now as an adult of 37 years old I can finally move on.

Today, 21 years later, I see how I have finally healed old wounds. Today, I can celebrate my old mom in new ways. Ways that I was unaware that I had in me. Today is no longer about her death. Today is about her life and her living. My old mom, Eleanor, was a beautiful woman. Eleanor loved music and art. She could listen to a tune and play it back by ear on the piano without missing a beat. Eleanor could sew a costume for me for Halloween and make a dress for herself all in the same day. She made all of our curtains in our house and she even painted and decorated a toy chest for me when I was a child. She had an excellent work ethic. She was the executive assistant to the President’s of some very lofty firms in her time. She even started her own company once with two other visionary women. They called it the ‘GEM Group’. My mother, Eleanor, was a gem herself. She had so much vibrancy, love, and peace within her that she could not see for herself. She is helping me today to see that I am just like her in so many ways and that it is just as important for me to recognize my own vibrancy. I have three children who look up to their mom just as I looked up to mine. Today, after 21 years, I finally see my mother’s life as a GEM. I have finally peeled back all the layers of struggle, anger, and fear to reveal the gifts of her life and how much she lived. She was not the colon cancer, battered and beaten wife I have remembered her as for all of these years. She was a woman of confidence, assurance, assertiveness, creativity, peace, love, and firey life. Much like my new mom is today! Today, I celebrate a long awaited peace that has come to my heart and a new joy in living that has been revealed. I have been given a chance to once again ‘Start All Over’ (Tracey Chapman)* and I thank my new mom for showing me how.

*I refer to the song ‘Start All Over’ by Tracey Chapman in previous blogs.

Jen's Web (Part 6)

Yesterday was our twelve year wedding anniversary. For our anniversary, I was determined to do something special for Andy. He has a long history of doing special things for me, year after year, and I wanted to do something nice for him that would be a BIG surprise. Over the summer, I had bought an old canoe to surprise him. Andy had always wanted a kayak but we just were not prepared to spend the money at the time. So, I found the second best thing, in the meantime, and it was something we could do together. One late August evening I planned for a babysitter to watch the kids and we would go pick up the canoe at a friend’s house where it was being kept. Andy had no idea of my plans. My friend lived just blocks away from an all sports lake, called Lake Orion. Finally, I told Andy what we were doing so he could prepare. Ironically, he had purchased a wrack for his car weeks previously because of an end of the season sale and because he was planning on purchasing a kayak the following year. Of course, I had encouraged him to do this since I needed a way to transport the surprise canoe.

Andy was surprised and very happy. It was a beautiful warm night and the weather was perfect for what we were about to do. Neither one of us had ever canoed before so we were definitely in for an adventure. Somehow, it worked out beautifully. We anchored the canoe to the roof of the car, drove it several blocks to the loading dock, gently placed it in the water, and took off! Of course, we had no idea that we had managed to point the canoe in the wrong direction and spent the entire evening paddling the canoe backwards! But this did not matter. We had pure fun. We paddled and explored the lake that has been sitting next door to us for 4 years. We connected and bonded again like we were back in college doing something crazy. Yep, we considered this a little crazy. When you have three kids and you live in suburbia, paddling on a rocky all sports lake can be one of the craziest things you will ever do, especially when you have never done this before. We got to see all the beautiful beach houses on the lake, the seaweed in the water up close, and the fish that quietly swam enjoying their marine life. We enjoyed conversation, exploration, and rejuvenation. We shared, we laughed, and we spoke of dreams. We revisited the Andy and Jen we married. Another point, when you get mixed up in the daily grind of the world two people who were once close often drift their separate ways. Connection is important in order to keep your family alive and kicking! The canoe connected us deeper and stronger and reminded each other of the love we knew we always had, sitting in front of our eyes. We only spent an hour canoeing around the lake and it was one of the most enjoyable hours of free time together we had in a long time. This little canoe trip ignited a space in our hearts that had been partially extinguished for a long time and it renewed our energy for each other. Since then, we have taken several canoe trips together and even spent time just simply picnicking and exploring new areas in our hometown. The idea has been to just enjoy each other without modern external distractions. Ironically, Andy received fishing gear as a gift and was able to actually purchase a kayak for himself on an incredible deal. He has gone fishing solo and with our children many times. He has enjoyed the peace, tranquility, and vibrancy that kayaking can bring. Overall, Andy has found another passion to develop deeper.

This old yellow canoe inspired us to go places that we never would have gone any time too soon if we had not ventured to get into that lake on that warm summer evening. I mean this in many ways. We needed the canoe to help bring us closer together as a couple and a family. That old canoe inspired creativity and passion in our hearts and simply helped us see beyond our own barriers in life that we had built. Doing something out of the ordinary reopened a space that we had forgotten about and allowed us to see things that were always their between ourselves and within our family. In addition, my friend who helped surprise Andy with the canoe stood on the Lake Orion shore and took a picture with her cell phone. It was one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen on a cell phone! The colors were healing colors that cannot be justified in words. I took the picture and had it made into a 20” X 24” oil painting and framed it for our anniversary gift so that we could forever have an image of the ‘backwards canoe ride’ hanging over our bed in our room. It was an appropriate gift for the renewal I felt and the love that was reignited in our hearts. Now, we will always have a story to tell of the two people that are paddling a backwards canoe.

Jen's Web (Part 5)

I sit here this evening contemplating the events of my day. Something synchronised happened today in relation to this past week. My husband was out of town and I was on overtime duty with the kids. I was feeling very tired. I have noticed that when I am tired I begin to fall back into old behavior patterns that do not work for me and my new family anymore. I became curt with my children. Situation after situation would arise where they would push the boundaries which would in turn push me to my limit. I kept focusing on my tiredness and my feelings of being a temporary single parent. I didn’t see the opportunities for learning and growth.

For instance, over the weekend we shopped for a new winter coat for my middle child, Aiden. Ethan, my oldest, had played a special role with the shopping. He had taken the time to try on coats and help with sizing since Aiden was at a friend’s house. Unfortunately, this was not a simple task. Ethan was having an ‘off’ week himself, to say the least. He had spent many moments throughout the week complaining more, protesting more, fighting more, and crying more. Clearly, something was up. I could not put my finger on it and was frustrated with the constant emergency work I had to do to put the fires out. But there was life that needed to be living so we went ahead with the daily grinds. I had a rather pessimistic view of my life this week. I really saw the glass as half empty instead of half full. In essence, it was only a matter of moments until I became a part of the illusion, an actor in the play as you will, instead of remaining the observer that objectively sees life. My emotions welled up and the old patterns came rolling back. It was as if someone flipped the ‘on’ switch for the short tempered, yelling mommy, who just wanted her children to go to their rooms and stay there for awhile.

Since my perspective was limited, life would bring me more limitations. One of those days, Ethan explained to me that he really liked Aiden’s coat and that he wouldn’t mind keeping it for himself if it was too big for Aiden. I quickly dismissed this idea. I didn’t even consider the possibility since I felt that I did not even have the energy to think. I had to conserve what I had in order to get through the days, so I thought. There were many moments throughout the week where I had difficulty listening to my children and their great ideas. Of course, when we figured out that the jacket we bought for Aiden was too big I did not consider Ethan’s request and returned the jacket to the store. Ironically, Ethan was with me when we went searching again for another jacket that would fit Aiden, and he again pointed out the jackets he really liked. In addition, I didn’t even notice until later that the price of the original jacket was severely discounted almost to nothing! Since I was not paying attention to the moments of life the opportunities began to slip by.

Several days later, after my revelations that I speak about in my previous blogs (refer back to blogs 3 and 4), I remembered Ethan’s longing for the first original coat. So, like a refreshed and vibrant mom I went back to the store to try and find the jacket. As I was searching, and searching, and searching I heard the words of a song playing in the store’s overhead speakers, ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot, mmm, da, da, da, da… Oh and don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone!’ These simple words were playing over and over and over until I finally realized what I was being told. The jacket was gone for good! I did not realize what I had and what I did not ‘see’ until I did not have it anymore. This was an incredibly significant lesson. No matter who I asked and how many places I looked the jacket was gone. This was more than just a jacket. It was a prime example of what we sometimes miss in our lives when we do not slow down to be in the moment. We limit ourselves when we become caught up on the chaos and think that ‘the stuff’ that is going on around us ‘is life’. I was so consumed with ‘my tiredness’ and ‘my belief’ that I had to do everything that I lost who I truly am. I completely overlooked what was right in front of me and could not ‘see’ the miracles that were trying to unfold. I couldn’t ‘hear’ my children because I couldn’t hear myself. My inner guidance knows that there is an inexhaustible supply of energy, abundance, and love. When I am centered and aware I can tap into that supply and be the mom of light I dream of being. Instead I reverted to old behavior patterns I knew as a child in thinking it was going to be an exhausting week. I made up my mind and I knew I would have a difficult week ahead of me. And that is exactly what happened.

There is another important piece to this lesson. In the moment of hearing those words, ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone,’ I was able to recognize that I had been a part of the illusion. In the middle of that store my awareness hit me like a ton of bricks. It was another ‘Aha!’ moment. My roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs in my life has also been telling me that very same thing. There are times when I am connected and everything falls beautifully into place. Awareness allows me to listen and trust. Then there are times where nothing seems to be easy. When I feel tired and discouraged I know that my awareness ‘switch’ is turned off. Sometimes I am full of light and sometimes I can see only darkness. This time, I was able to listen to that song, remain aware, and know that this was a simple lesson about our limitations when we do not ‘see’. If we begin to live our lives through the eyes of the ‘observer’, we can see difficult circumstances for the illusions that they are and remain open to the answers that will literally come our way on their own. We don’t have to make life happen. Life goes on. We can stand in our knowing and allow beauty to unfold. So, losing a jacket was not about ‘the jacket’, it was about seeing clearly again. The jacket and I played a very important role in helping to see myself caught in an illusion and how life played out exactly as it should when I believed in loss, exhaustion, and fear. Now that I am living my life on the other side, I am thankful of that lesson and I might have to just go back to the store tomorrow and ‘see’; just maybe that jacket may turn up. You never know when we live in a world of abundance and everlasting light. Just a thought, I’ll let you know what happens.

Addendum: I went back to the store the next day and had an extremely helpful customer service representative come up to me as soon as I entered the children’s section of the store. She was very cheerful and eager to get my opinion on a survey she was completing. Her first question was, “Have you been finding everything you need?” Of course, I told her my story and she spent 20-30 minutes searching everywhere in the store to find ‘the jacket’. The jacket did not turn up but I was sent an additional 15-20% coupon on everything already reduced in the store over email that morning. Since the jackets were already ½ off I was able to get even more of a discount on another coat that Ethan had already told me that he also really liked. The customer service representative did not leave my side until she knew I was satisfied. I even had to remind her to finish her survey with me before she left. It was the least I could do after she spent all that time devoted to helping me out.

Jen's Web (Part 4)

Last night, a very dear friend of mine called me to see what I was doing. My plans for the evening were to get home from Aiden’s ice hockey practice with all three kids, quickly have dinner, and get them off to bed. Andy was out of town on a business trip so I had parent duty the past couple of days. My friend wanted me to go out but when I told her why I could not she graciously suggested that we get together at my house after the kids go to bed. “Of course,” I replied. So she came, we had tea and cookies, and shared our lives for several hours. What a nice time this was. I easily forget how fulfilling a one to one woman friend talk can be. For me, I do not do these things enough. But when I do, I find that I am always allowed to understand life and living a little bit deeper. I find relationships with people so important and I carefully choose the depth to which I will go with each friend that I have. This particular woman meets me on a soul level. She has been through tough times and struggles which she has risen above and flourished abounds. The turmoil in her life has taught her extraordinary lessons and she lives her life exactly as she intuitively believes. I admire her and find her inspirational. When I get together with this friend, I always learn something inviting and revealing about life. Last night I was given a very important lesson.

In my last blog, I spoke about my illuminating experience of realizing that my true calling is to embrace and allow ‘The Artist’ within me to unfold. Part of embracing her and allowing her to flourish is releasing ‘old’ patterns that do not ‘work’ in my life any longer. You see, my family (my childhood family) had a history of yelling, screaming, and abuse. Through my conversation with my friend I realized I was still holding onto my past. I had worked hard to release many of my fears and move on, but there, in that moment it dawned on me that I was still holding on to pieces. Many of the reasons that I become so tired and emotional with many aspects of my life is because I am still living several aspects of my life like I was taught when I was a child. I lived in a house that used yelling as a way to communicate. Understanding conversation and peaceful communication was obsolete. I was unaware of the impact this had on me until later in life when I would have my own children. I spent years recognizing this and releasing the ideas that I had learned so that I would not pass them onto my children. Now, I sat with my friend and realized that I still harbored these fragments and lived by some of these past experiences; STILL! Instantaneously, I thought of a song by Traci Chapman and felt moved to find it and play it for my friend. What I found next was when I pulled out the CD to show my friend a song that was meant for her I found another song that was meant for me, ‘New Beginning’. How appropriate. Since my recent revelations I was continuing down a path of ‘New Beginnings’. The song talks about starting all over. “The world seems broke and it ain’t worth fixing.” But then she goes into words of wisdom that I could not deny were meant for my friend and especially me, that evening. The words are as follows:

The whole world’s broke and it ain’t worth fixing. It’s time to start all over and make a NEW beginning. There’s too much pain too much suffering. Let’s resolve to start all over make a new beginning. Now don’t get me wrong, I love life and living but when you wake up and look around at everything that is going down all wrong you see we need to change it. Now this world with too few happy endings, we can resolve to start all over, make a new beginning. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. The world is broken into fragments and pieces that once were joined together in a UNIFIED WHOLE but now too many stand alone. There’s too much separation. We can resolve to come together in the new beginning. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. We can break the cycle. We can break the CHAIN. We can start all over in the NEW BEGINNING. We can learn, we can teach. We can share the myths, the dream, the prayer, the notion that we can do better. Change our lives and paths. Create a new world and start all over. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over… We need to make new symbols, Make new signs, Make a new language. With these we’ll redefine the world and start all over…

I can truly start all over. I have been given an opportunity to start all over. My friend and I came together for casual, woman to woman time. We learn and we create new beginnings from each other. She gave me the wisdom to see with precision that I was still holding onto some ‘old stuff’ but now I have a ‘new family’ and I do not need to bring those old things into my new life. I can look upon my life as the observer and decide in each part of my day when I am living in the old and just simply create a new. No emotions need to be attached and no old emotional trauma needs to live on. Simply said and simply done. In essence, I am being told to create a ‘New Beginning’ and to ‘Start All Over’. There is too much pain and too much suffering. It first begins with me and then it extends to the world. With simplicity we’ll redefine the world.
It’s important to have friends that will bring you to your truth. It is important to be open and aware. Life always brings you new lessons and new beginnings and furthers you on your path. Today, I resolve to continue to “make new symbols, make new signs, make a new language… to start all over, start all over.” It is never too late.