Here we go. It’s 9:30pm on New Year’s Eve. My kids were determined to stay up until midnight to watch the ball drop, until one by one they began dropping like flies and asking to go to bed. They were exhausted from the day. I have to admit that I was surprised by their eagerness to sleep. They had been talking about ‘staying up’ for the past couple of days. But Mother Nature took over and they could not keep their eyes open. My husband and I even tried to watch a movie together but being the early to bed early to rise person that I am, I decided to head up to bed and get in some last minute typing before the end of the year. So, here I sit contemplating my commitment that I made in my previous blog. If you don’t recall or you have not had the chance to read it; I made a New Year resolution to give up 26 things or habits in my life throughout the coming year. The idea is that I would take two weeks to test out either ‘giving up’ or ‘changing an old habit’ such as cell phone use, alcohol, coffee, etc. Then I would integrate this new lifestyle change into my life for the rest of the year. Deciding to change something or give something up every two weeks for a year ends up being a total of 26 changes. My inspiration came from the idea of living the life of a Mom of Light. I had done some major inner reworking of my emotional life throughout the year of 2009. Now I feel the push to continue to express these inner changes on the outside into the physical. Since, life on my insides has gone through a major upgrade this past year it only makes sense that I continue to have my outer world reflect what I am feeling on the inside.
Here I sit ready to announce to you my first 2 week resolution…Drum roll… For the first two weeks of the year 2010 I will be completely transforming the way my family shops for household products and food. We will consciously answer the following questions before we buy an item. Do we know where this product is coming from and does it match up with our beliefs? Meaning, does that new rug that I want so badly at Target come from a place that honors human existence? Is it made of elements that are non toxic and earth friendly? Are the people that make the rugs treated fair and just? For short, what is the ‘story’ behind that rug that I want so badly? In order for it to enter into my home I need to consciously know that it has been made honoring the people that made it and our environment. Not only people, but animals too. Are the animals treated humanely? Are they given the best life possible before they give their life to be food on my plate? I will ask these questions before purchasing all food and household items. I feel ready for this new challenge. Like an athlete, I have been training this past year learning about many of the concepts that I previously speak about but have never put it all together to perform in the big leagues. I have dabbled in the ideas of non toxic, earth friendly, fair trade, organic, and free range but have never made a commitment to live my life completely on the other side. But the more I speak of how we are all connected and that my web of life is intertwined with yours the more I realize that everything we have, do, and consume effects us on many different levels. It is the ‘circle of life’, so to speak. What the pig eats, I eat. The energy that is used to raise that chicken is the same energy that I am a part of. The elements that make up that rug that I want will enter our home and be in our environment touching our lives (on many levels) forever. If I want to live a life free of fear, sickness, anger, and darkness then the items that fill our lives must come from a place of the higher energies of conscious living such as love, peace, honor, and light. I am that which surrounds me and that which surrounds me is me. For these next two weeks I will fully embrace the desire to become a conscious consumer. In the end aren’t we all supposed to “Treat others the way you would want to be treated?” So, this is my initial attempt to follow the path of a Mom of Light. Let’s see how I do.
And Happy New Year (2 hours early)!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Jen's Blog - Changing for the better
It’s 1 am on December 26th 2009 and I’m up in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep. Besides my daughter not feeling well and sleeping next to me in bed I find myself just not being able to sleep at all. Could it be too much wine, too much to eat, or the possibility that my body just feels unbalanced in so many different ways. The holidays have a way of throwing us all off balance that it is inevitable we all wake up on 01/01/10 with New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, exercise more, and just in general be conscious about our every day existence. Right now, in this moment I feel exactly that way. I feel like such an overstuffed turkey that I am ready to begin my resolutions early. I feel that this journey has been thrusted upon me due to so many different factors. Call it perfect timing in my world but if I don’t change my habits I am going to die young of moderate exposure to all the toxins in life and just become another statistic in this age of discoveries of what is good for you and what is bad.
It all began many, many weeks ago when I wrote my latest blog about the new relationships that were emerging in my life due to the personality changes that were happening within me. A new, more empowered Jen was emerging and she is in there fighting for her life, literally, to come out. It’s part of why I am up this morning at 1 am talking and writing to you. It’s this ‘Mom of Light’ thing that I have been working on and festering for so many years. Consciously, these past several weeks I have finally realized the true meaning of what it is to be a ‘Mom of Light’ and live this path of LIGHT. It is a path that is not often walked and it is a path of conscious living that does not follow the typical journey of our fellow WOman. A Mom of Light does not shop at some of my once TOP 5 stores. There is no more Target to get the latest trends in household and fashion designs for cheap. No more local grocery store treks to get all your shopping needs done for the weeks groceries. No more bargains at the local department stores where you can get really good deals because they buy in bulk and sell it to you severely discounted. No more trips to the drug store for the antibiotic of choice that will get us through the next round of sickness running through my family. No more loading up on vitamin store vitamins that are supposed to keep you healthy and supply all the nutrients you need that we don’t get in our regular diets. This is how I used to live my life in the everyday outward bounds of what I typically do. It’s not that there is anything wrong with living this way. Not at all. I just know deep within my soul that there is a more conscious way to live and I am ready to be completely committed to the more conscious way. I have lived life on the border of completely transforming to a completely conscious life; I just have not made the full conscious LEAP to the other side. I have dabbled in alternative vitamins and herbs to keep my family healthy and vaccine free. I have learned some pretty amazing recipes that promise full flavor and nutrition from organic products. And I have made conscious decisions to only buy products where I know exactly how the product was made and with what type of materials. But now I feel the urge to be completely and totally committed to this new way of living. There is much more that I have only begun to discover. If it weren’t for the constant up and down symptoms I face daily that keep urging me to live life more fully I would probably go on ignoring my existence and living life ½ present. For example, my body speaks to me daily through constant belly aches from eating foods that I know I must have allergies to but have not taken the time to free myself from the horrors and havoc it is creating in my body’s echo system. Then there is the nightly glass of wine that I thoroughly enjoy drinking with dinner that sometimes turns into two glasses. It is the after effects it creates of sleeplessness and night sweats that makes others want to avoid me like the plague the next day when I do not get my beauty rest from the night before! Then there is the roller coaster ride of working out and not working out to take care of my body that keeps becoming harder and harder to maintain as I get older and older. Lastly, but not least, there is the fact that I am stricken with up and down mood swings at least 1-2 weeks out of every month which can add up to a maximum of 26 out of 52 weeks a year of bitchiness! Needless to say…this is not how I want to live my life where ½ a year, every year, I don’t even want to be around myself. Not to mention the bloating, irregularity, dry itchy skin, and graying dulling hair that I have recently noticed the past year. So, what brings this all on? Call it determination, realization, and deep contemplation about the meaning of life. I don’t know. The fact is that as I get older I notice my susceptibility to more and more problems that I never even dreamed of having. It’s like my body is a slow ticking time bomb and I need to figure out if I am to cut the red chord or the green chord, cause if I don’t she is goanna blow!
No doubt, somewhere, deep within me there is this burning candle of belief that knows age really does not define us. Somehow we get caught up in what society tells us we should be doing and what our parents always did that we tend to ignore the subtle inclinations in our heart that speak to us every day and tell us exactly how we should be living and not what the media says we should be doing. It only becomes ever more important to me when I look in the mirror at my sagging physique and droopy skin under my eyes that I must do something. So many people around me just want to accept that this is just a part of getting older and that there is nothing you can do about it. They may be right, to a degree, but I’d rather prove myself wrong in trying then not trying at all. I just can’t accept that the way I feel is just a part of getting older and all our stuff just not working as well as it used to. Somewhere inside me I believe that if I was living the life I have always dreamed of living then I would just naturally feel younger, more vibrant, and healthy. If I was truly living my passion then I would feel great! Inside me, I consciously believe if I am truly a ‘Mom of Light’ and what I believe her to be then I must LIVE like a ‘Mom of Light’ in every moment of my life. I have to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. I have already done much shedding of my past and now it is time to be present and enlightened in the moments I am in every day. The only way I can do this is if I thoroughly look at and reconfigure every action I take every moment of every day.
Hmmm… that is a mouthful! That is a huge challenge! To begin with, I am going to take a monster leap forward and decide that I will take 2 weeks to either give up something in my life or change a habit that is not working any longer. For instance, I could give up alcohol, TV, talking on the cell phone, or sugar. Or I could change a habit that I feel is affecting my life and or my children’s life. For example, talking on the cell phone in my car could be changed to only talking when I can give all my attention to the person on the other line; like at home or parked in the car when I am waiting for my kids to get off the bus. Or I might find that I seem to be unusually pessimistic (certain weeks of my life) and I sense the need to put a positive spin on everything I think about. So, I may find that I need to be exuberantly positive for two weeks instead of immediately jumping to conclusions or allowing judgment to plague my thoughts. The matter of fact is that I am going to take every 2 weeks to change my life for the better and then embrace that new habit or change into my life for the rest of the year! That adds up to a total of 26 new changes this coming year. Whoa! I know! I know! That is a huge Tall Order! But hey, if I am going to be the light I must live in the light! So, here goes nothing, or might I add everything! And watch as I change and become that which I am already meant to be. No worries though…I know it is not going to be easy and I am not delusional (It is only 2:30 in the morning). I just know that if I don’t start changing, drastically, now, then something will either force me to do it later (like sickness or depression) or I will die regretting that I never tried. Who knows, if I stick to my plan and all goes well I could lose everything I ever thought I needed in my life and gain so much more than I ever dreamed. So here it goes, and watch as you see me transform.
PS…I will be taking a day or two or three to figure out my first big change. Stay tuned.
It all began many, many weeks ago when I wrote my latest blog about the new relationships that were emerging in my life due to the personality changes that were happening within me. A new, more empowered Jen was emerging and she is in there fighting for her life, literally, to come out. It’s part of why I am up this morning at 1 am talking and writing to you. It’s this ‘Mom of Light’ thing that I have been working on and festering for so many years. Consciously, these past several weeks I have finally realized the true meaning of what it is to be a ‘Mom of Light’ and live this path of LIGHT. It is a path that is not often walked and it is a path of conscious living that does not follow the typical journey of our fellow WOman. A Mom of Light does not shop at some of my once TOP 5 stores. There is no more Target to get the latest trends in household and fashion designs for cheap. No more local grocery store treks to get all your shopping needs done for the weeks groceries. No more bargains at the local department stores where you can get really good deals because they buy in bulk and sell it to you severely discounted. No more trips to the drug store for the antibiotic of choice that will get us through the next round of sickness running through my family. No more loading up on vitamin store vitamins that are supposed to keep you healthy and supply all the nutrients you need that we don’t get in our regular diets. This is how I used to live my life in the everyday outward bounds of what I typically do. It’s not that there is anything wrong with living this way. Not at all. I just know deep within my soul that there is a more conscious way to live and I am ready to be completely committed to the more conscious way. I have lived life on the border of completely transforming to a completely conscious life; I just have not made the full conscious LEAP to the other side. I have dabbled in alternative vitamins and herbs to keep my family healthy and vaccine free. I have learned some pretty amazing recipes that promise full flavor and nutrition from organic products. And I have made conscious decisions to only buy products where I know exactly how the product was made and with what type of materials. But now I feel the urge to be completely and totally committed to this new way of living. There is much more that I have only begun to discover. If it weren’t for the constant up and down symptoms I face daily that keep urging me to live life more fully I would probably go on ignoring my existence and living life ½ present. For example, my body speaks to me daily through constant belly aches from eating foods that I know I must have allergies to but have not taken the time to free myself from the horrors and havoc it is creating in my body’s echo system. Then there is the nightly glass of wine that I thoroughly enjoy drinking with dinner that sometimes turns into two glasses. It is the after effects it creates of sleeplessness and night sweats that makes others want to avoid me like the plague the next day when I do not get my beauty rest from the night before! Then there is the roller coaster ride of working out and not working out to take care of my body that keeps becoming harder and harder to maintain as I get older and older. Lastly, but not least, there is the fact that I am stricken with up and down mood swings at least 1-2 weeks out of every month which can add up to a maximum of 26 out of 52 weeks a year of bitchiness! Needless to say…this is not how I want to live my life where ½ a year, every year, I don’t even want to be around myself. Not to mention the bloating, irregularity, dry itchy skin, and graying dulling hair that I have recently noticed the past year. So, what brings this all on? Call it determination, realization, and deep contemplation about the meaning of life. I don’t know. The fact is that as I get older I notice my susceptibility to more and more problems that I never even dreamed of having. It’s like my body is a slow ticking time bomb and I need to figure out if I am to cut the red chord or the green chord, cause if I don’t she is goanna blow!
No doubt, somewhere, deep within me there is this burning candle of belief that knows age really does not define us. Somehow we get caught up in what society tells us we should be doing and what our parents always did that we tend to ignore the subtle inclinations in our heart that speak to us every day and tell us exactly how we should be living and not what the media says we should be doing. It only becomes ever more important to me when I look in the mirror at my sagging physique and droopy skin under my eyes that I must do something. So many people around me just want to accept that this is just a part of getting older and that there is nothing you can do about it. They may be right, to a degree, but I’d rather prove myself wrong in trying then not trying at all. I just can’t accept that the way I feel is just a part of getting older and all our stuff just not working as well as it used to. Somewhere inside me I believe that if I was living the life I have always dreamed of living then I would just naturally feel younger, more vibrant, and healthy. If I was truly living my passion then I would feel great! Inside me, I consciously believe if I am truly a ‘Mom of Light’ and what I believe her to be then I must LIVE like a ‘Mom of Light’ in every moment of my life. I have to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. I have already done much shedding of my past and now it is time to be present and enlightened in the moments I am in every day. The only way I can do this is if I thoroughly look at and reconfigure every action I take every moment of every day.
Hmmm… that is a mouthful! That is a huge challenge! To begin with, I am going to take a monster leap forward and decide that I will take 2 weeks to either give up something in my life or change a habit that is not working any longer. For instance, I could give up alcohol, TV, talking on the cell phone, or sugar. Or I could change a habit that I feel is affecting my life and or my children’s life. For example, talking on the cell phone in my car could be changed to only talking when I can give all my attention to the person on the other line; like at home or parked in the car when I am waiting for my kids to get off the bus. Or I might find that I seem to be unusually pessimistic (certain weeks of my life) and I sense the need to put a positive spin on everything I think about. So, I may find that I need to be exuberantly positive for two weeks instead of immediately jumping to conclusions or allowing judgment to plague my thoughts. The matter of fact is that I am going to take every 2 weeks to change my life for the better and then embrace that new habit or change into my life for the rest of the year! That adds up to a total of 26 new changes this coming year. Whoa! I know! I know! That is a huge Tall Order! But hey, if I am going to be the light I must live in the light! So, here goes nothing, or might I add everything! And watch as I change and become that which I am already meant to be. No worries though…I know it is not going to be easy and I am not delusional (It is only 2:30 in the morning). I just know that if I don’t start changing, drastically, now, then something will either force me to do it later (like sickness or depression) or I will die regretting that I never tried. Who knows, if I stick to my plan and all goes well I could lose everything I ever thought I needed in my life and gain so much more than I ever dreamed. So here it goes, and watch as you see me transform.
PS…I will be taking a day or two or three to figure out my first big change. Stay tuned.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Jen's Web (Part 15) New Relationships
The man I married is a mirror for many parts of me that are resolved and unresolved. There are parts where I can be safely with him knowing that together we are just being who we are. Then there are parts that I see that I have not resolved in myself. These are issues that I have not faced in myself and that I am not yet ready to uncover. When I see these parts in him that emerge that trigger anger in me I head the other direction; fleeing for my life. The old survival instincts come out and I stand up to either defend or retreat. Sometimes I am ready to face the fears and then other times I just want to let it go. Relationships are opportunities to grow and find out who we truly are in ourselves and safely with another being. They never need to be hard or difficult if we can recognize that we come together to raise each other’s vibration not to meet a need that was never met in our ‘growing up’.
After all, we are creators that have the power to manifest our futures in any way we desire. Of course, there is an ultimate creator that sees that the ultimate plan is ultimately carried out. We are all, what I like to call, ‘mini’ creators as well. I created the need for a man such as my husband at the time that we married and now I am letting go of many parts that I asked for. These are the parts that are no longer necessary in my life. There is nothing bad about this, it is only a shift in reality and a lifting of the illusions we created for ourselves. At the time of our marriage I needed someone to save me and take care of me like I had never been taken care of before. This part of me has finally rested and transformed. A new power has emerged and this is part of the shifting that is occurring. The powers are moving and balancing. They are shifting to a more distributed calling that involves seeing each other as divine balanced beings that do not ‘need’ each other but allow each other to thrive and grow. These being support each other along their individual paths and recognize that something that may trigger their insides is really just an opportunity. They are opportunities to look at our individual selves more deeply, process why we are being triggered, and finally integrate our realizations into our own being. A relationship like this is filled with understanding and knowing that when the other person is reacting it is an opportunity to simply witness and allow for a response that will help each other grow consciously together. There is a respect for each other’s path and then a union where we support and celebrate our individual growth together along the way. It is not that I need you or that you need me. What we need is to recognize how individually powerful we are and that our union is to support our growth. We are here to respect all parts of ourselves wherever we may fall in our progressions. We have ideas and we share as divine friends. We have desires and we share our attractions. The opportunity is limitless in what a union of male and female can do together when they recognize that they support one another and allow this to happen.
They are not together out of ‘need’ anymore. These are the old ways of thinking that are quickly moving away. Even if you do not believe that your marriage (or past relationship) was based out of ‘need’ I am going to encourage you to take a long hard look before you decide. I’m sure there was an attraction that brought you together. Desires that you had that the other person met. Seemingly endless joy came to you when you were together and then you could not wait to feel those feelings again when you were apart. My question is, “Shouldn’t two people feel just as good about themselves individually when they are apart as they do when they are together?” I believe there is something inside a being that still needs to be looked at when he/she decides that those needs are only met when someone else enters their life. The line, “You complete me” just is not what it is about. There is nothing that another being can give you that will complete you. You must complete you. You must do the work to be the divine being that you are. To uncover the layers that reside and find the jewel that was hidden over the years. I must be the jewel in the moment. In recognizing that I am everything that I have been looking for I do not go out seeking it from another and then become disappointed when they do not live up to my expectations. Another being can never provide my completeness. This is between me and the universe. Expecting expectations from someone else only leads to disappointment, fear, anger, and anxiety. Let me be clear here…I am not saying that we should all depend on ourselves and live a life of personal independence from each other. No, this is not ‘it’ at all. We all have individual wants and needs that are all based on interacting and coming together with others in order to clearly communicate our needs and then find out if the party can reciprocate what we are looking for with open and genuine communication. What happens in ‘unions’ is that we usually have unresolved, unspoken, unaware emotional issues from our past that we are unknowingly seeking to be resolved through the other person. When the other person does not meet our unaware expectations then we set ourselves up for disappointment unknowingly that we are doing this. Then we wonder why we are so unhappy and wonder why we are with this person? At the time we came together we unconsciously thought that the other person could meet our needs. When if we had two balanced and aware beings come together in union knowing exactly what their purpose is for their union they would have a whole other level of relationship we have yet to be exposed to in every day society.
These people know who they are and have resolved to keep growing and developing their inner truths without codependence. They are together based on no other need but the need to support and help each other grow without attachment. These couples are free of the struggles that we see regularly joked about on TV sitcoms. Simply, they know that disagreements are conscious opportunities for growth. There is no need to argue and dismiss one another because they know that a resolution that satisfies both parties will always arise. This is the new relationship and the limitless possibility that I am moving into in my own life and my own relationship. It is inevitable that with all the releasing of emotional issues, purging of ideas and things that don’t ‘fit’ anymore that my relationships are shifting and moving to a much higher level of love, compassion, passion, and peace. When our inner lights can shine brightly and we are individually and collectively at peace with who we are then our matching partners and relationships will show up to meet us exactly where we are and where we envision our self in the future. Relationships based on conscious awareness are the most incredible, most powerful, most illuminating and loving of all.
After all, we are creators that have the power to manifest our futures in any way we desire. Of course, there is an ultimate creator that sees that the ultimate plan is ultimately carried out. We are all, what I like to call, ‘mini’ creators as well. I created the need for a man such as my husband at the time that we married and now I am letting go of many parts that I asked for. These are the parts that are no longer necessary in my life. There is nothing bad about this, it is only a shift in reality and a lifting of the illusions we created for ourselves. At the time of our marriage I needed someone to save me and take care of me like I had never been taken care of before. This part of me has finally rested and transformed. A new power has emerged and this is part of the shifting that is occurring. The powers are moving and balancing. They are shifting to a more distributed calling that involves seeing each other as divine balanced beings that do not ‘need’ each other but allow each other to thrive and grow. These being support each other along their individual paths and recognize that something that may trigger their insides is really just an opportunity. They are opportunities to look at our individual selves more deeply, process why we are being triggered, and finally integrate our realizations into our own being. A relationship like this is filled with understanding and knowing that when the other person is reacting it is an opportunity to simply witness and allow for a response that will help each other grow consciously together. There is a respect for each other’s path and then a union where we support and celebrate our individual growth together along the way. It is not that I need you or that you need me. What we need is to recognize how individually powerful we are and that our union is to support our growth. We are here to respect all parts of ourselves wherever we may fall in our progressions. We have ideas and we share as divine friends. We have desires and we share our attractions. The opportunity is limitless in what a union of male and female can do together when they recognize that they support one another and allow this to happen.
They are not together out of ‘need’ anymore. These are the old ways of thinking that are quickly moving away. Even if you do not believe that your marriage (or past relationship) was based out of ‘need’ I am going to encourage you to take a long hard look before you decide. I’m sure there was an attraction that brought you together. Desires that you had that the other person met. Seemingly endless joy came to you when you were together and then you could not wait to feel those feelings again when you were apart. My question is, “Shouldn’t two people feel just as good about themselves individually when they are apart as they do when they are together?” I believe there is something inside a being that still needs to be looked at when he/she decides that those needs are only met when someone else enters their life. The line, “You complete me” just is not what it is about. There is nothing that another being can give you that will complete you. You must complete you. You must do the work to be the divine being that you are. To uncover the layers that reside and find the jewel that was hidden over the years. I must be the jewel in the moment. In recognizing that I am everything that I have been looking for I do not go out seeking it from another and then become disappointed when they do not live up to my expectations. Another being can never provide my completeness. This is between me and the universe. Expecting expectations from someone else only leads to disappointment, fear, anger, and anxiety. Let me be clear here…I am not saying that we should all depend on ourselves and live a life of personal independence from each other. No, this is not ‘it’ at all. We all have individual wants and needs that are all based on interacting and coming together with others in order to clearly communicate our needs and then find out if the party can reciprocate what we are looking for with open and genuine communication. What happens in ‘unions’ is that we usually have unresolved, unspoken, unaware emotional issues from our past that we are unknowingly seeking to be resolved through the other person. When the other person does not meet our unaware expectations then we set ourselves up for disappointment unknowingly that we are doing this. Then we wonder why we are so unhappy and wonder why we are with this person? At the time we came together we unconsciously thought that the other person could meet our needs. When if we had two balanced and aware beings come together in union knowing exactly what their purpose is for their union they would have a whole other level of relationship we have yet to be exposed to in every day society.
These people know who they are and have resolved to keep growing and developing their inner truths without codependence. They are together based on no other need but the need to support and help each other grow without attachment. These couples are free of the struggles that we see regularly joked about on TV sitcoms. Simply, they know that disagreements are conscious opportunities for growth. There is no need to argue and dismiss one another because they know that a resolution that satisfies both parties will always arise. This is the new relationship and the limitless possibility that I am moving into in my own life and my own relationship. It is inevitable that with all the releasing of emotional issues, purging of ideas and things that don’t ‘fit’ anymore that my relationships are shifting and moving to a much higher level of love, compassion, passion, and peace. When our inner lights can shine brightly and we are individually and collectively at peace with who we are then our matching partners and relationships will show up to meet us exactly where we are and where we envision our self in the future. Relationships based on conscious awareness are the most incredible, most powerful, most illuminating and loving of all.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Jen's Web (Part 14) Purging
I sit here this morning looking back on the last three days since I have been back from Disney. I made a commitment to bring back the same magic I felt in Disney here into my own life at home. I made this commitment because I believe that life is supposed to be filled with wonder and joy. The problem is that we make unconscious choices throughout our lives and then we wonder why we feel that life is difficult or not what we expected it to be. I am speaking merely from my own experience. I use the term we because I internally know there are some that feel the same way I do out there but not all. Most of the time, when I use the term ‘we’, I am referring to my own experiences. As many of you know, I have been wrestling with my ‘Father’ experiences as a child and have come to some form of acceptance and forgiveness over vacation. What I learned when I returned home is that there are still many layers to the “onion of healing” that become more and more apparent as we peel away each piece until we get to the heart of the issue. I have peeled away many layers over the years and just recently peeled away some of the layers that were closest to my heart. What I learned when I returned home from Disney was that before I could completely embrace joy, wonder, and magic in my life, and I mean COMPLETELY EMBRACE, I had to get to the heart of the current issues in my life, the center of the onion. Thus the heart of my ‘Father’ onion had returned.
When I walked into the doors of my home I realized that I did not feel that this was my home. I believe ‘home’ should exude feelings of connection, balance, and centering. It is a place of peace and grace. It is a sanctuary that is only filled with the people and things that are sacred. Everything that enters a home has special meaning and use. Everyone that enters a home should know that they have entered a sacred place that they have been invited to. The items and people that fill a home have special meaning and conscious thought that contribute to the essence of life. Home is respected and valued for its sacredness in our own lives and homes and the lives of every home that we visit. This is what I wanted my home to be like. What I found when I returned to my home was that what I wanted it to be was not what it actually was.
I saw myself surrounded by stuff that did not have meaning to me anymore. It may have had meaning to the Jen that was but it did not have meaning to the Jen that has emerged. Gifts that were given to me over the years filled every shelf not because I loved these things but because they were given to me and I did not know what to do with them. More stuff sat in the corners of the house and inside cupboards that have not been looked at in years. More stuff seeped out of overstuffed drawers because I have kept everything in case we may need it later on or could sell it for something down the road. I felt suffocated, cluttered, and a mess looking at how much stuff I have and how little I actually get from having all this stuff. It occurred to me….why do I have all this stuff? Why is it that I can go on vacation for 1 or 2 weeks and not miss this stuff at all but when I return home the feelings of freedom that vacation brings are always taken away? There is a freedom that comes when we get away from it all and do not have to worry about our stuff anymore. Why have I held onto this stuff? Why did I not purge something every time I received something new like they tell you to do in all those organization books that I read in my fruitless attempts to get organized? I have to say, my home is really not too bad as compared to some other homes that I have seen. And I do regularly purge items no longer used. The point is that I now completely embrace the notion of only holding onto things that have special, and I mean SPECIAL meaning, and those things that we use over and over again. It is not the stuff that fills our home that makes it a home, it is the people that live there and enter our sanctuary. If I am to completely embrace the joy I receive in believing this last statement then I have to start doing something about it. Before vacation I had begun the process of deeper purging but now I was feeling the push to get radical. Actually, I was so consumed with how cluttered and suffocated I felt when I had returned from Disney that I became sick and immobilized for two days. I was forced to sit and observe how much stuff we have that we do not use. Where did all this stuff come from? Why did I do nothing about this all these years? My only answer was unresolved emotions and self acceptance. I did not feel that I could purge what I internally knew we did not need anymore because I still felt emotionally attached to these items and I felt that my husband would have a temper tantrum (father issues again). I just did not want to go there. There are many issues that I had not approached with him due to having my own issues of my father and unconsciously not wanting to feel those unresolved feelings. I was afraid of being told, “No!” Then the little kid inside of me would just throw her arms across her chest in her own temper tantrum and say, “Humph (stomping her foot), I’ll show you, you can’t say no to me!” Getting rid of stuff was/is still one of the issues. Some of this stuff is not my stuff and it is shared by my husband. But I could not take it anymore! You see, my little kid sees him as a pack rat in many ways. Not a bad thing…but he always wants to save things in case we need it later, forgets that we even have the stuff, and goes out and buys it anyway because he can’t find it or forgets that we have it. So, enough is enough! I had it! I couldn’t live like this anymore, I can’t live like this anymore, and it was making me sick! So, I purged! In a frenzy of cleaning, sorting, and emptying; I purged! I started with my family room and boy did it feel good! I packed stuff up and put it in the basement for now until I find a home for all the stuff we don’t use anymore. It was necessary and it continues to be necessary for the health of me and my family. And what happened when Andy got home? Well, at first I felt like the little kid who had done something bad and was waiting for the parent to get home to scold her (father issues again). But I stood in those feelings, embraced them, and lived! Andy did his own huffing and puffing a bit, as I expected. But I think he found it liberating as well. He did some purging himself. He went through some piles of papers I had asked him to go through weeks ago and he began the process of downloading some long awaited family recordings from an old camcorder onto the computer. He sure was not happy with me at first but he did come around in the end.
This whole purging thing is necessary in my life right now. It must be done. I am not the little girl who is afraid of being who she is anymore. I have broken out of my cocoon. The illusion that I was living before continues to be stripped away. If I am going to embrace wonder and magic in my world then I have to have a home where I can feel safe to do and be who I am. We have to have a place of sanctuary that is full of meaning physically and spiritually. My kids will grow up living a conscious life. Creating a sanctuary that harbors conscious living is part of this. As a mother, I feel an incredible responsibility to live my truths so that my children will live theirs. My truth is telling me that I am not these ‘things’ anymore and it is time to let all of this stuff go that does not serve my internal purpose any longer. There are people out there in greater need than I, who have a greater appreciation for the things that I have that do not get used. Letting them go creates freedom and space in my heart. When we let go of that which no longer feeds our soul we raise our vibration and open our hearts for something greater to come along and enter our new being. Thank you.
Note- My immobilizing flu magically disappeared with all the stuff that was weighing me down.
When I walked into the doors of my home I realized that I did not feel that this was my home. I believe ‘home’ should exude feelings of connection, balance, and centering. It is a place of peace and grace. It is a sanctuary that is only filled with the people and things that are sacred. Everything that enters a home has special meaning and use. Everyone that enters a home should know that they have entered a sacred place that they have been invited to. The items and people that fill a home have special meaning and conscious thought that contribute to the essence of life. Home is respected and valued for its sacredness in our own lives and homes and the lives of every home that we visit. This is what I wanted my home to be like. What I found when I returned to my home was that what I wanted it to be was not what it actually was.
I saw myself surrounded by stuff that did not have meaning to me anymore. It may have had meaning to the Jen that was but it did not have meaning to the Jen that has emerged. Gifts that were given to me over the years filled every shelf not because I loved these things but because they were given to me and I did not know what to do with them. More stuff sat in the corners of the house and inside cupboards that have not been looked at in years. More stuff seeped out of overstuffed drawers because I have kept everything in case we may need it later on or could sell it for something down the road. I felt suffocated, cluttered, and a mess looking at how much stuff I have and how little I actually get from having all this stuff. It occurred to me….why do I have all this stuff? Why is it that I can go on vacation for 1 or 2 weeks and not miss this stuff at all but when I return home the feelings of freedom that vacation brings are always taken away? There is a freedom that comes when we get away from it all and do not have to worry about our stuff anymore. Why have I held onto this stuff? Why did I not purge something every time I received something new like they tell you to do in all those organization books that I read in my fruitless attempts to get organized? I have to say, my home is really not too bad as compared to some other homes that I have seen. And I do regularly purge items no longer used. The point is that I now completely embrace the notion of only holding onto things that have special, and I mean SPECIAL meaning, and those things that we use over and over again. It is not the stuff that fills our home that makes it a home, it is the people that live there and enter our sanctuary. If I am to completely embrace the joy I receive in believing this last statement then I have to start doing something about it. Before vacation I had begun the process of deeper purging but now I was feeling the push to get radical. Actually, I was so consumed with how cluttered and suffocated I felt when I had returned from Disney that I became sick and immobilized for two days. I was forced to sit and observe how much stuff we have that we do not use. Where did all this stuff come from? Why did I do nothing about this all these years? My only answer was unresolved emotions and self acceptance. I did not feel that I could purge what I internally knew we did not need anymore because I still felt emotionally attached to these items and I felt that my husband would have a temper tantrum (father issues again). I just did not want to go there. There are many issues that I had not approached with him due to having my own issues of my father and unconsciously not wanting to feel those unresolved feelings. I was afraid of being told, “No!” Then the little kid inside of me would just throw her arms across her chest in her own temper tantrum and say, “Humph (stomping her foot), I’ll show you, you can’t say no to me!” Getting rid of stuff was/is still one of the issues. Some of this stuff is not my stuff and it is shared by my husband. But I could not take it anymore! You see, my little kid sees him as a pack rat in many ways. Not a bad thing…but he always wants to save things in case we need it later, forgets that we even have the stuff, and goes out and buys it anyway because he can’t find it or forgets that we have it. So, enough is enough! I had it! I couldn’t live like this anymore, I can’t live like this anymore, and it was making me sick! So, I purged! In a frenzy of cleaning, sorting, and emptying; I purged! I started with my family room and boy did it feel good! I packed stuff up and put it in the basement for now until I find a home for all the stuff we don’t use anymore. It was necessary and it continues to be necessary for the health of me and my family. And what happened when Andy got home? Well, at first I felt like the little kid who had done something bad and was waiting for the parent to get home to scold her (father issues again). But I stood in those feelings, embraced them, and lived! Andy did his own huffing and puffing a bit, as I expected. But I think he found it liberating as well. He did some purging himself. He went through some piles of papers I had asked him to go through weeks ago and he began the process of downloading some long awaited family recordings from an old camcorder onto the computer. He sure was not happy with me at first but he did come around in the end.
This whole purging thing is necessary in my life right now. It must be done. I am not the little girl who is afraid of being who she is anymore. I have broken out of my cocoon. The illusion that I was living before continues to be stripped away. If I am going to embrace wonder and magic in my world then I have to have a home where I can feel safe to do and be who I am. We have to have a place of sanctuary that is full of meaning physically and spiritually. My kids will grow up living a conscious life. Creating a sanctuary that harbors conscious living is part of this. As a mother, I feel an incredible responsibility to live my truths so that my children will live theirs. My truth is telling me that I am not these ‘things’ anymore and it is time to let all of this stuff go that does not serve my internal purpose any longer. There are people out there in greater need than I, who have a greater appreciation for the things that I have that do not get used. Letting them go creates freedom and space in my heart. When we let go of that which no longer feeds our soul we raise our vibration and open our hearts for something greater to come along and enter our new being. Thank you.
Note- My immobilizing flu magically disappeared with all the stuff that was weighing me down.
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