Last night, a very dear friend of mine called me to see what I was doing. My plans for the evening were to get home from Aiden’s ice hockey practice with all three kids, quickly have dinner, and get them off to bed. Andy was out of town on a business trip so I had parent duty the past couple of days. My friend wanted me to go out but when I told her why I could not she graciously suggested that we get together at my house after the kids go to bed. “Of course,” I replied. So she came, we had tea and cookies, and shared our lives for several hours. What a nice time this was. I easily forget how fulfilling a one to one woman friend talk can be. For me, I do not do these things enough. But when I do, I find that I am always allowed to understand life and living a little bit deeper. I find relationships with people so important and I carefully choose the depth to which I will go with each friend that I have. This particular woman meets me on a soul level. She has been through tough times and struggles which she has risen above and flourished abounds. The turmoil in her life has taught her extraordinary lessons and she lives her life exactly as she intuitively believes. I admire her and find her inspirational. When I get together with this friend, I always learn something inviting and revealing about life. Last night I was given a very important lesson.
In my last blog, I spoke about my illuminating experience of realizing that my true calling is to embrace and allow ‘The Artist’ within me to unfold. Part of embracing her and allowing her to flourish is releasing ‘old’ patterns that do not ‘work’ in my life any longer. You see, my family (my childhood family) had a history of yelling, screaming, and abuse. Through my conversation with my friend I realized I was still holding onto my past. I had worked hard to release many of my fears and move on, but there, in that moment it dawned on me that I was still holding on to pieces. Many of the reasons that I become so tired and emotional with many aspects of my life is because I am still living several aspects of my life like I was taught when I was a child. I lived in a house that used yelling as a way to communicate. Understanding conversation and peaceful communication was obsolete. I was unaware of the impact this had on me until later in life when I would have my own children. I spent years recognizing this and releasing the ideas that I had learned so that I would not pass them onto my children. Now, I sat with my friend and realized that I still harbored these fragments and lived by some of these past experiences; STILL! Instantaneously, I thought of a song by Traci Chapman and felt moved to find it and play it for my friend. What I found next was when I pulled out the CD to show my friend a song that was meant for her I found another song that was meant for me, ‘New Beginning’. How appropriate. Since my recent revelations I was continuing down a path of ‘New Beginnings’. The song talks about starting all over. “The world seems broke and it ain’t worth fixing.” But then she goes into words of wisdom that I could not deny were meant for my friend and especially me, that evening. The words are as follows:
The whole world’s broke and it ain’t worth fixing. It’s time to start all over and make a NEW beginning. There’s too much pain too much suffering. Let’s resolve to start all over make a new beginning. Now don’t get me wrong, I love life and living but when you wake up and look around at everything that is going down all wrong you see we need to change it. Now this world with too few happy endings, we can resolve to start all over, make a new beginning. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. The world is broken into fragments and pieces that once were joined together in a UNIFIED WHOLE but now too many stand alone. There’s too much separation. We can resolve to come together in the new beginning. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over. We can break the cycle. We can break the CHAIN. We can start all over in the NEW BEGINNING. We can learn, we can teach. We can share the myths, the dream, the prayer, the notion that we can do better. Change our lives and paths. Create a new world and start all over. Start all over. Start all over. Start all over… We need to make new symbols, Make new signs, Make a new language. With these we’ll redefine the world and start all over…
I can truly start all over. I have been given an opportunity to start all over. My friend and I came together for casual, woman to woman time. We learn and we create new beginnings from each other. She gave me the wisdom to see with precision that I was still holding onto some ‘old stuff’ but now I have a ‘new family’ and I do not need to bring those old things into my new life. I can look upon my life as the observer and decide in each part of my day when I am living in the old and just simply create a new. No emotions need to be attached and no old emotional trauma needs to live on. Simply said and simply done. In essence, I am being told to create a ‘New Beginning’ and to ‘Start All Over’. There is too much pain and too much suffering. It first begins with me and then it extends to the world. With simplicity we’ll redefine the world.
It’s important to have friends that will bring you to your truth. It is important to be open and aware. Life always brings you new lessons and new beginnings and furthers you on your path. Today, I resolve to continue to “make new symbols, make new signs, make a new language… to start all over, start all over.” It is never too late.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Jen's Web (Part 3)
Many weeks have gone by since the last time I was able to sit down and write. I have to be honest with myself and with you. I have been filled with the feelings of fear and anxiety. You see, I can be a very optimistic person and then there are times when the world seems too big to handle. I get tired and darkness temporarily consumes my life. This time, I had been caught up in so many different activities and the endless ‘to do’ list that I was purposely keeping myself ‘busy’ so that I could avoid connecting. What have I been hiding? Frankly, I have been hiding my deepest most hidden truths. You see, when I sit down and write I have nothing to hide. My deepest and most sincere thoughts are quickly revealed. It is my meditation of sorts, a connection with my higher self, with the divine some might say. I had distanced myself from myself because I was afraid of what I might find. I was afraid that this longing inside of me would never be answered. That this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of ups and downs would forever just be my life. I was filled with exhaustion over never knowing why I felt the ups and downs continuously over and over again. These feeling would sometimes subside as I engaged in the activities of life but I would always eventually return to deep emptiness that would hide out in the depths of my being. Many would say that I was missing my connection with God but this was not so. I am a very spiritual person connected with her divinity and the divinity above. Others would say that I was depressed and that depression runs in my family so it was to be expected. They were quick to prescribe medication and send me on my way. Many thought it was my obsession with ‘healing’ my child. Maybe so, but what mother does not want the best for their child and does not want them to have all the riches that the world has to offer? Finally, there were times I did not know what to think. I would be lost in confusion and began to think, “Were all these people correct?” Was I a manically depressed, obsessed mother of a child with a disability, who kept slipping into depression no matter what riches surrounded her life? Was this how I would live the rest of my life? How come there were times when I felt so connected with life and then there were times when I felt so empty inside? How come God did not fill this void when so many make claims of their prayers and emptiness being fulfilled through Her? No person, book, or Being could give me the answers. I had to find this out on my own and in my own time.
So what was this emptiness I felt? In essence, I truly had a longing to know who ‘I Am’. I wanted to feel, to truly know the ‘I AM’ of what makes Jen feel alive? What is Jen’s PASSION! As we all do, I needed to do this. I needed to know. I had to really know. I had to experience life without sharing in order to go deeper and really understand if I truly am on the path I was meant to follow.
Do you ever wonder if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing at any given time in your life? Are you following your passions? Are you exactly where you want to be doing exactly what you want to be doing? This is some of what has been going on within me. How can I share this with anyone, especially when I have a blog and my purpose is to share everything about my life and Ethan’s healing? Wow, how inspirational would that be? These are the questions and this is why I have stayed away. In this time where I have quested my thoughts about life and what I am truly meant to do I had some great revelations.
I paid attention to the signs of life, connected, read, took a couple of small, quick personality tests (that just happened to fall into my lap) and remained aware. What I found is something that I already knew but could never ‘see’ for myself. Part of my being is being an artist. I have a strong desire to be creative. “I came out of the womb with a paintbrush in my hand”, one of the assessments said (From Oprah’s November 2009 Magazine). This hit me like a slap in the face. This never dawned on me before in my entire life! I thrive on creativity outlets. Once I knew this it all started to make sense. This is why I love to write. This is why I feel so much more alive when I finish a piece of writing and post it on a blog site. When I go for days or weeks without writing I feel hum drum, icky, and static. When I can express myself I feel truly alive, connected, and flowing. Then the connections of my life became clear. I thought back to my childhood. I remembered spending hours in my room creating. I would either be drawing, coloring, dancing, or acting. I could get lost in my imaginary world for hours. I did not have many friends, and this was fine with me. I was happier connecting with my pencil and paper, my dance floor, or my stuffed animals.
As I got older, my passions were still strong but my abilities to express myself began to lessen. My parents were busy with their own problems and did not notice or foster my gifts. In high school, all I wanted to do was act. I went to my adviser to convince her that I did not need geometry or calculus because I would never use this in my life. I wanted to take double acting classes instead. Somehow, by grace, it worked. I never took those math classes and ended up taking double blocks of the same acting course. This was unheard of at the time. Partly, I think the advisor had pity on me and my family situation at the time and partly because I was determined to be right. This was a time in my life when my mother was dying of cancer, my dad was unable to take care of me due to his alcoholism, my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I lived with another family. Amazingly, out of all the chaos in my life I was able to hone in on something that made me feel alive. That was the year I took double acting courses and the year that I finally loved life for the first time. Up until then, my life was filled with hospital visits to see my mother, and the feelings of being an orphan.
I remember my first time performing on stage. I was nervous but excited. I felt so connected and so alive. It was a place to go to where I could be someone else and escape my life. I could be anything I wanted to be up there on that stage. And I was able to connect. I had an Uncle, who lived in New York City, at the time. I went to a high school in Greenwich, Connecticut. It was an easy ride into the suburbs from the city. He came to see one of my short monologues I was performing for one of my classes. I’ll never forget his words after the play, “Excellent, Jennifer. That was very, very good.” Getting his approval was like winning over the Supreme Court justice. I had finally found something I was good at! This was a huge win for me. I had balance in one area of my life when the rest of my life seemed like it was falling apart.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, high school came to an end and college began. The intuitive knowing that ‘being an artist’ got lost in choosing a career. It never occurred to me that I could make a living out of being an artist or that I could actually major in art. So, I spent 7 years of school studying Exercise Physiology and Occupational Therapy. I spent another 8 years working, raising my kids, and wondering why my life seemed to be so unsatisfying. Until, today. When I found out that for 15 years, I had missed the boat. I had lead my life completely unaware of why there was a harboring feeling of deep and profound emptiness within my cells for so long. Why, no matter what I did, I never felt satisfied. This insatiable hunger that would go on and on and rest at no end. No matter what I did to quiet this hunger, the hunger always returned. I would go from one fix to the next wondering, is this it? Is this it? Is this what I loved to do? Is this my passion?
Until now. Now I can make all the connections to my childhood and to my current life. I can see it so clearly. Even my closest friends have their roots in the arts. They are grounded in music, poetry, painting, and pottery. Every single one has a passion for the arts. This is why I feel so connected to these people and why I choose my close friends very wisely. This is also why I have such a hard time with school. My mind would float and scatter and studying was a grueling task. I would rather dream than study. This has also helped me to feel closer to the family I was born in to. My mother had an ear for music and an eye for color. Although, she was never able to develop her talents she could pick up a tune and play it on the piano instantaneously. My Uncle, my mother’s brother, is an artist. He plays his grand piano in his home, he paints, loves to decorate, and is an incredible chef. He is constantly creating. My Grandfather, a plumber, had a well respected business in NYC. He built two homes from the ground up and put love and creativity into every brick and mortar he layered. These homes are still standing today and one of the finest in the areas. Unfortunately, I do not know much about my father and his family. I have a feeling that I will find out one day soon. I do have two sons, Ethan and Aiden who have my mother’s ‘ear’ for music. Ethan can listen to a piece of music and pick out all the different parts and keenly hear each instrument. Aiden can listen to a piece of piano music and play it back instantaneously, just like my mom. My daughter loves to act out scenes with her dolls, and dance and sing endlessly, just like me. When I see her dance and sing I remember sunny days when I would sit in the driveway and sing out loud the theme from ‘Annie’ or the song ‘Over the Rainbow’ to ANYONE who would listen.
I feel like I have finally found a piece of myself that had been lost for almost two decades. I am an artist. I love to create. Whether, it is cleaning my home to reveal its brightness, painting the walls to bring in fresh colors, or expressing my feelings on a notebook. I love to create! It feels immensely good to say that. Let me say it again, I love to create! I am an artist! I have a paintbrush to express my life and direct my passions in any way I choose. This artist can bring love and light into her home and she can finally accept who she is. This is huge for me. I have made stronger connections in my web of life and with these stronger connections I can birth a new me that is intimately connected to who I am. Just think of the possibilities when you were born with ‘a paintbrush in your hand’!
Stay Tuned for More Writings on Jen’s Journey to becoming who she is, I AM!
So what was this emptiness I felt? In essence, I truly had a longing to know who ‘I Am’. I wanted to feel, to truly know the ‘I AM’ of what makes Jen feel alive? What is Jen’s PASSION! As we all do, I needed to do this. I needed to know. I had to really know. I had to experience life without sharing in order to go deeper and really understand if I truly am on the path I was meant to follow.
Do you ever wonder if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing at any given time in your life? Are you following your passions? Are you exactly where you want to be doing exactly what you want to be doing? This is some of what has been going on within me. How can I share this with anyone, especially when I have a blog and my purpose is to share everything about my life and Ethan’s healing? Wow, how inspirational would that be? These are the questions and this is why I have stayed away. In this time where I have quested my thoughts about life and what I am truly meant to do I had some great revelations.
I paid attention to the signs of life, connected, read, took a couple of small, quick personality tests (that just happened to fall into my lap) and remained aware. What I found is something that I already knew but could never ‘see’ for myself. Part of my being is being an artist. I have a strong desire to be creative. “I came out of the womb with a paintbrush in my hand”, one of the assessments said (From Oprah’s November 2009 Magazine). This hit me like a slap in the face. This never dawned on me before in my entire life! I thrive on creativity outlets. Once I knew this it all started to make sense. This is why I love to write. This is why I feel so much more alive when I finish a piece of writing and post it on a blog site. When I go for days or weeks without writing I feel hum drum, icky, and static. When I can express myself I feel truly alive, connected, and flowing. Then the connections of my life became clear. I thought back to my childhood. I remembered spending hours in my room creating. I would either be drawing, coloring, dancing, or acting. I could get lost in my imaginary world for hours. I did not have many friends, and this was fine with me. I was happier connecting with my pencil and paper, my dance floor, or my stuffed animals.
As I got older, my passions were still strong but my abilities to express myself began to lessen. My parents were busy with their own problems and did not notice or foster my gifts. In high school, all I wanted to do was act. I went to my adviser to convince her that I did not need geometry or calculus because I would never use this in my life. I wanted to take double acting classes instead. Somehow, by grace, it worked. I never took those math classes and ended up taking double blocks of the same acting course. This was unheard of at the time. Partly, I think the advisor had pity on me and my family situation at the time and partly because I was determined to be right. This was a time in my life when my mother was dying of cancer, my dad was unable to take care of me due to his alcoholism, my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I lived with another family. Amazingly, out of all the chaos in my life I was able to hone in on something that made me feel alive. That was the year I took double acting courses and the year that I finally loved life for the first time. Up until then, my life was filled with hospital visits to see my mother, and the feelings of being an orphan.
I remember my first time performing on stage. I was nervous but excited. I felt so connected and so alive. It was a place to go to where I could be someone else and escape my life. I could be anything I wanted to be up there on that stage. And I was able to connect. I had an Uncle, who lived in New York City, at the time. I went to a high school in Greenwich, Connecticut. It was an easy ride into the suburbs from the city. He came to see one of my short monologues I was performing for one of my classes. I’ll never forget his words after the play, “Excellent, Jennifer. That was very, very good.” Getting his approval was like winning over the Supreme Court justice. I had finally found something I was good at! This was a huge win for me. I had balance in one area of my life when the rest of my life seemed like it was falling apart.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, high school came to an end and college began. The intuitive knowing that ‘being an artist’ got lost in choosing a career. It never occurred to me that I could make a living out of being an artist or that I could actually major in art. So, I spent 7 years of school studying Exercise Physiology and Occupational Therapy. I spent another 8 years working, raising my kids, and wondering why my life seemed to be so unsatisfying. Until, today. When I found out that for 15 years, I had missed the boat. I had lead my life completely unaware of why there was a harboring feeling of deep and profound emptiness within my cells for so long. Why, no matter what I did, I never felt satisfied. This insatiable hunger that would go on and on and rest at no end. No matter what I did to quiet this hunger, the hunger always returned. I would go from one fix to the next wondering, is this it? Is this it? Is this what I loved to do? Is this my passion?
Until now. Now I can make all the connections to my childhood and to my current life. I can see it so clearly. Even my closest friends have their roots in the arts. They are grounded in music, poetry, painting, and pottery. Every single one has a passion for the arts. This is why I feel so connected to these people and why I choose my close friends very wisely. This is also why I have such a hard time with school. My mind would float and scatter and studying was a grueling task. I would rather dream than study. This has also helped me to feel closer to the family I was born in to. My mother had an ear for music and an eye for color. Although, she was never able to develop her talents she could pick up a tune and play it on the piano instantaneously. My Uncle, my mother’s brother, is an artist. He plays his grand piano in his home, he paints, loves to decorate, and is an incredible chef. He is constantly creating. My Grandfather, a plumber, had a well respected business in NYC. He built two homes from the ground up and put love and creativity into every brick and mortar he layered. These homes are still standing today and one of the finest in the areas. Unfortunately, I do not know much about my father and his family. I have a feeling that I will find out one day soon. I do have two sons, Ethan and Aiden who have my mother’s ‘ear’ for music. Ethan can listen to a piece of music and pick out all the different parts and keenly hear each instrument. Aiden can listen to a piece of piano music and play it back instantaneously, just like my mom. My daughter loves to act out scenes with her dolls, and dance and sing endlessly, just like me. When I see her dance and sing I remember sunny days when I would sit in the driveway and sing out loud the theme from ‘Annie’ or the song ‘Over the Rainbow’ to ANYONE who would listen.
I feel like I have finally found a piece of myself that had been lost for almost two decades. I am an artist. I love to create. Whether, it is cleaning my home to reveal its brightness, painting the walls to bring in fresh colors, or expressing my feelings on a notebook. I love to create! It feels immensely good to say that. Let me say it again, I love to create! I am an artist! I have a paintbrush to express my life and direct my passions in any way I choose. This artist can bring love and light into her home and she can finally accept who she is. This is huge for me. I have made stronger connections in my web of life and with these stronger connections I can birth a new me that is intimately connected to who I am. Just think of the possibilities when you were born with ‘a paintbrush in your hand’!
Stay Tuned for More Writings on Jen’s Journey to becoming who she is, I AM!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Jen's Web (Part 2)
I said I would expand on Jen’s Web…so here I am stretching and expanding. This weekend…I took a road trip to State College, PA. I went to Penn State University for my undergraduate degree many years ago. Some college friends, associated with my sorority, were planning a get together. I went back and forth and back and forth on whether or not I should go to this event. The expectations were for us all to meet up Friday evening, at a local hang out, as everyone gets into town. The next day would be filled with tailgating before and after the Penn State Football game followed by more socializing wherever we all would end up. Lastly, Sunday would be a day of reminiscing our sorority life at a brunch and reception with the local active chapter. For me, I was unsure if this was at all what I wanted to do. But I decided to come anyway. I am glad I did. Catching up with old friends on Friday evening was simply fun. It was nice to see old friends and catch up on years past. Most of these women have careers and families and are juggling the lives of managing their numerous roles. They are happy to get away for some moments of freedom from their busy schedules and to once again relive our college moments and memories. I too felt a sense of relief when I finally caught up with my sorority sisters and found out that we all share many of the same struggles and delights in our separate corners of the world. We have reconnected happily reminisced as well as shared our new lives. We have all grown into incredible women.
I am thankful, for deciding to come. I am especially thankful for the freedom from mother hood responsibilities. (My husband is watching all three kids this weekend!) I have the ability to go and do whatever I like at anytime during the day and the ability to ‘NOT’ have to answer to anyone. Few…I forgot what this kind of freedom was. It is good to be reminded of what this feels like. It is so simply easy to forget. This independence has reminded me of the ‘I can do anything’ & ‘nothing is impossible’ attitude I freely expressed many years ago. I am still that same person I once was, just a little more mature, a lot more vibrant, and way more knowledgeable about life and living. Yes, I still know that ‘nothing is impossible’ but it is a different form of energy then what it once was. Then it was an energy that was sometimes misguided. It often became frustrated and easily distracted or unbalanced. Now it has grown into a constant balance of comforted energy that knows ‘nothing is impossible’. Then, I was challenged to stretch and grow into believing that anything can be done. Now, I have firm roots supporting all my beliefs that sometimes sway and shift with the winds but overall stay firmly where they are. Then, I had significant people come in and out of my life that helped me to become the woman I am today. Now, that I am the woman I have always dreamed of becoming, I still grow, learn, and change but the simplicities in life are what give me the most pleasure instead of the dramas and the challenges that always brought me to my climactic views. Now, I stand firmly in my shoes of a woman. My roar is of a Lioness who loves and protects her family and lives life to the fullest in sync with the natural flow of life. Going back to experience ‘who I once was’ helps me to see all the riches and incredible unfolding of my life that has brought me to where I am today. And those wonderful sorority sisters, that I am so proud of, helped me immensely along the way. We reconnect now and still help each other to go forward in life. They are all women of my web, the web of Jen, which keeps unfolding and transforming in marvelous miraculous ways.
This is you; we all hold this deep within our hearts. The magic is in going in to recognize you have all this and more inside of you and all we have to do is trust and allow the joy to arrive. It’s there waiting for you. So knock on the door. The doors will open and your past is waiting for you to come back and experience who you once were so that you know the incredibleness that you are today. No matter if you have a tragic past or not. Each experience is carefully orchestrated to grow you into light. So go ahead, embrace your light, and love your life, no matter where you are. Allow these opportunities to come into your life. Embrace them, as you would an old friend. You will find that when you allow yourself to go back and revisit who you once were there are always diamonds in the rough waiting to show you how sparkly you are. Especially, when you physically revisit places of the past. There is an even more empowering energy there waiting your presence to help you climb to higher ground. It is not enough to look at pictures or to talk about old times. When you actually put yourself in the places of what you once were you own who you are today. So, go ahead and take a chance, go and do and be who you were from the past and see how healing and revealing it can be. I know I have more to come. This retreat to my college days is just the beginning. I will be continuing to go back to places that I have often wanted to forget about because the pains were too great to bear. I now also know that this is just the way I perceived these situations at the time. Now, when I go back I go back perceiving life through the eyes of joy and with the knowing that I thankfully experienced all that I have experienced in order to get me where I am today. For this I am thankful. Thank you.
I am thankful, for deciding to come. I am especially thankful for the freedom from mother hood responsibilities. (My husband is watching all three kids this weekend!) I have the ability to go and do whatever I like at anytime during the day and the ability to ‘NOT’ have to answer to anyone. Few…I forgot what this kind of freedom was. It is good to be reminded of what this feels like. It is so simply easy to forget. This independence has reminded me of the ‘I can do anything’ & ‘nothing is impossible’ attitude I freely expressed many years ago. I am still that same person I once was, just a little more mature, a lot more vibrant, and way more knowledgeable about life and living. Yes, I still know that ‘nothing is impossible’ but it is a different form of energy then what it once was. Then it was an energy that was sometimes misguided. It often became frustrated and easily distracted or unbalanced. Now it has grown into a constant balance of comforted energy that knows ‘nothing is impossible’. Then, I was challenged to stretch and grow into believing that anything can be done. Now, I have firm roots supporting all my beliefs that sometimes sway and shift with the winds but overall stay firmly where they are. Then, I had significant people come in and out of my life that helped me to become the woman I am today. Now, that I am the woman I have always dreamed of becoming, I still grow, learn, and change but the simplicities in life are what give me the most pleasure instead of the dramas and the challenges that always brought me to my climactic views. Now, I stand firmly in my shoes of a woman. My roar is of a Lioness who loves and protects her family and lives life to the fullest in sync with the natural flow of life. Going back to experience ‘who I once was’ helps me to see all the riches and incredible unfolding of my life that has brought me to where I am today. And those wonderful sorority sisters, that I am so proud of, helped me immensely along the way. We reconnect now and still help each other to go forward in life. They are all women of my web, the web of Jen, which keeps unfolding and transforming in marvelous miraculous ways.
This is you; we all hold this deep within our hearts. The magic is in going in to recognize you have all this and more inside of you and all we have to do is trust and allow the joy to arrive. It’s there waiting for you. So knock on the door. The doors will open and your past is waiting for you to come back and experience who you once were so that you know the incredibleness that you are today. No matter if you have a tragic past or not. Each experience is carefully orchestrated to grow you into light. So go ahead, embrace your light, and love your life, no matter where you are. Allow these opportunities to come into your life. Embrace them, as you would an old friend. You will find that when you allow yourself to go back and revisit who you once were there are always diamonds in the rough waiting to show you how sparkly you are. Especially, when you physically revisit places of the past. There is an even more empowering energy there waiting your presence to help you climb to higher ground. It is not enough to look at pictures or to talk about old times. When you actually put yourself in the places of what you once were you own who you are today. So, go ahead and take a chance, go and do and be who you were from the past and see how healing and revealing it can be. I know I have more to come. This retreat to my college days is just the beginning. I will be continuing to go back to places that I have often wanted to forget about because the pains were too great to bear. I now also know that this is just the way I perceived these situations at the time. Now, when I go back I go back perceiving life through the eyes of joy and with the knowing that I thankfully experienced all that I have experienced in order to get me where I am today. For this I am thankful. Thank you.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Ethan's Web (Part 12)
It is difficult for me to comprehend that almost 8 weeks has passed since my last blog. I feel as though it were just yesterday when I wrote my last entry. Time has passed but not the passion for what I do. In essence, the passions of raising three incredible children have just grown stronger. In this blog I will catch you up on all that has been going on for Ethan. Mostly the 'ins' and 'outs' of his last four weeks of summer and the first three weeks of his new school year. Then if you would like to read on about the great changes that have been happening in my life I will have to redirect you to the blogs entitled "Jen's Web". Which can be found on this very same site. But first here is Ethan's stuff (and then later, Jen's Web will come).
The summer seemed to be over before we knew it. School was just around the corner. Some of you may have seen the video of Ethan walking with his bobath poles, which I will try to post on this blog very soon. By the end of the summer he became very good at walking with the poles instead of his arm crutches. This serves the purpose of keeping him in a more upright position and allows him to use his legs naturally in a reciprocal pattern instead of his forward posture he had been so accustomed to using with his arm crutches. He still needs one:one support with the bobath poles and is unable to do these independently, yet. But the time that we spend using the poles has been steadily increasing as he becomes stronger and stronger. Look for the video on this site soon.
Up until about two weeks ago we were still driving about 40 minutes away to go to the best physical therapists in the Detroit area, Heather and Kevin. As the summer progressed and school began the desire and the energy to keep this kind of schedule up was wearing us out. The roses that I had been accustomed to seeing that helped to confirm that we were on the path to meet the goals we had set out began to dwindle until we could no longer see any roses as we traveled back and forth to therapy several days a week. I knew that something was up and that therapy would soon be coming to an end. Ethan had made some incredible strides this summer and he was beginning to show the need for a break. His desire and motivation was beginning to run dry and no matter how much I enticed him to press on he still could not see or feel the benefits of his sessions for himself. This was a difficult process to go through as a mother and a son. As a mother, I wanted so badly to continue to press on thinking that if we could just get over this hurdle then he would see and feel the incredible progress he was making. I finally realised that I was doing all I could and it was not up to me. So, one day two weeks ago I felt the push inside of me to call Heather on the phone and tell her that this would be out last week in therapy. Of course she understood because she had been feeling this for several weeks now. So, we made our next session our last session for awhile. This is our temporary break in time to relish all the accomplishments we have made and celebrate our summer victories.
So what do we have to be victorious about? Ethan is walking stronger and taller. He has muscles working where they were not working before. He is stronger in areas where he was weak before. He knows and is confident that he will walk and run without his arm crutches one day soon and he feels the support of the people that believe this will happen for him. If we had not taken the time to go to therapy this summer then we would not have all that we have now. We have a vision that is being answered. We have a miraculous miracle in progress. Just because we do not go to therapy several days a week does not mean we will not progress. In actuality, we gained the physical knowledge we needed to allow our visions to become reality. We are incredibly thankful for our experience and the hard work that Heather and Ethan did together in order to take several important steps closer to our dream. So now, instead we are on to more adventures.
Ethan has started school. This has been another accomplishment. Every morning he gets dressed, eats breakfast, completes his exercises, and gets ready to go to school. Every day, he not only achieves academic goals, but he gets to socialize and deepen his roots into who he is. There have been many mornings when he has a hard time understanding why we must do all that we do in the while other kids are watching TV. Ultimately, we set our eyes on the prize and the doubts quickly fade away. There is no time for TV at our house. And through the absence of electronics we have gained a better understanding of who we all are and how we connect. School has brought us closer together. We have received reports of the great successes that Ethan is having at school. He has acclimated very well into his classroom and is taking on leadership roles that he would have never tried before. He continues to become more and more independent and the extra services he needed in years past are beginning to take a backseat to his new light shining brightly. Ethan is in the forefront and he is shining brightly every day. Time and time again, I am approached by people who used to be heavily involved in helping Ethan to progress in academic, physical, and social areas who are excited and surprised to see how much he has grown and how 'easy' things are coming to him now. They are delighted that he is showing such incredible strength and will to be independent in all areas of his life. I am constantly receiving confirmation that our choices we made last year were the 'right' choices to be made and that this is Ethan's year to brightly burn.
Lastly, we have hooked up with one of the nation's top chiropractors who just happens to have his office 30 minutes from where we live. The coincidences that lead us to his office will be talked about in greater detail in "Jen's Web". As for now, we are going to his office once a week to work on straightening out Ethan's spine so that he has optimal use of every muscle in his body. After walking with arm crutches for so long Ethan has developed a curve in his back much like that of a gorilla that walks partially on his arms. The chiropractor is helping us put Ethan's spine back into alignment through a series of simple weights and exercises termed 'The Pettibon System'. For ten minutes, twice a day we strap on weights to Ethan's body strategically placed in order to realign his anatomical structure into a normal alignment. Thus when Ethan is aligned the muscles that he does have working can work optimally and we never know what muscles could have been hiding out and not had the opportunity to work due to being miss aligned from a poorly aligned spine. This gives us more hope and another step closer to walking on the plane to China. Which brings us to our next thought. When are we going to China????? Well, we still do not know. But, I know that we will be going and when we do it will be an incredibly huge healing event. I have recently been given links to stem cell research that has only been done in China and we are looking into this possibility in conjunction with the bowel and bladder nerve rerouting surgery.
I will keep you updated more often now that the kids are back at school and our life seems to be on some sort of conducive schedule that allows me to invest the time in doing what I love to do; writing to inspire you to see what an awesome world we have and life that you have to live! No matter what the cause of our frustrations seems to be we must take the time to see and perceive our lives differently. Nothing is impossible and joy is every where around us no matter where you are or what your situation is. I can say this, because I know. I have walked a life of misery and if you choose to walk a life of joy everything will change for you; I promise. I welcome you to go on and read "Jen's Web" sometime in the near future. There you will begin to have an understanding of who I am and why I have chosen to see joy in my life, finally, after all these years. To you, I send love and sheer joy, because we are one and connected. I love you. Yes, you.
Oh, and here is the video...
The summer seemed to be over before we knew it. School was just around the corner. Some of you may have seen the video of Ethan walking with his bobath poles, which I will try to post on this blog very soon. By the end of the summer he became very good at walking with the poles instead of his arm crutches. This serves the purpose of keeping him in a more upright position and allows him to use his legs naturally in a reciprocal pattern instead of his forward posture he had been so accustomed to using with his arm crutches. He still needs one:one support with the bobath poles and is unable to do these independently, yet. But the time that we spend using the poles has been steadily increasing as he becomes stronger and stronger. Look for the video on this site soon.
Up until about two weeks ago we were still driving about 40 minutes away to go to the best physical therapists in the Detroit area, Heather and Kevin. As the summer progressed and school began the desire and the energy to keep this kind of schedule up was wearing us out. The roses that I had been accustomed to seeing that helped to confirm that we were on the path to meet the goals we had set out began to dwindle until we could no longer see any roses as we traveled back and forth to therapy several days a week. I knew that something was up and that therapy would soon be coming to an end. Ethan had made some incredible strides this summer and he was beginning to show the need for a break. His desire and motivation was beginning to run dry and no matter how much I enticed him to press on he still could not see or feel the benefits of his sessions for himself. This was a difficult process to go through as a mother and a son. As a mother, I wanted so badly to continue to press on thinking that if we could just get over this hurdle then he would see and feel the incredible progress he was making. I finally realised that I was doing all I could and it was not up to me. So, one day two weeks ago I felt the push inside of me to call Heather on the phone and tell her that this would be out last week in therapy. Of course she understood because she had been feeling this for several weeks now. So, we made our next session our last session for awhile. This is our temporary break in time to relish all the accomplishments we have made and celebrate our summer victories.
So what do we have to be victorious about? Ethan is walking stronger and taller. He has muscles working where they were not working before. He is stronger in areas where he was weak before. He knows and is confident that he will walk and run without his arm crutches one day soon and he feels the support of the people that believe this will happen for him. If we had not taken the time to go to therapy this summer then we would not have all that we have now. We have a vision that is being answered. We have a miraculous miracle in progress. Just because we do not go to therapy several days a week does not mean we will not progress. In actuality, we gained the physical knowledge we needed to allow our visions to become reality. We are incredibly thankful for our experience and the hard work that Heather and Ethan did together in order to take several important steps closer to our dream. So now, instead we are on to more adventures.
Ethan has started school. This has been another accomplishment. Every morning he gets dressed, eats breakfast, completes his exercises, and gets ready to go to school. Every day, he not only achieves academic goals, but he gets to socialize and deepen his roots into who he is. There have been many mornings when he has a hard time understanding why we must do all that we do in the while other kids are watching TV. Ultimately, we set our eyes on the prize and the doubts quickly fade away. There is no time for TV at our house. And through the absence of electronics we have gained a better understanding of who we all are and how we connect. School has brought us closer together. We have received reports of the great successes that Ethan is having at school. He has acclimated very well into his classroom and is taking on leadership roles that he would have never tried before. He continues to become more and more independent and the extra services he needed in years past are beginning to take a backseat to his new light shining brightly. Ethan is in the forefront and he is shining brightly every day. Time and time again, I am approached by people who used to be heavily involved in helping Ethan to progress in academic, physical, and social areas who are excited and surprised to see how much he has grown and how 'easy' things are coming to him now. They are delighted that he is showing such incredible strength and will to be independent in all areas of his life. I am constantly receiving confirmation that our choices we made last year were the 'right' choices to be made and that this is Ethan's year to brightly burn.
Lastly, we have hooked up with one of the nation's top chiropractors who just happens to have his office 30 minutes from where we live. The coincidences that lead us to his office will be talked about in greater detail in "Jen's Web". As for now, we are going to his office once a week to work on straightening out Ethan's spine so that he has optimal use of every muscle in his body. After walking with arm crutches for so long Ethan has developed a curve in his back much like that of a gorilla that walks partially on his arms. The chiropractor is helping us put Ethan's spine back into alignment through a series of simple weights and exercises termed 'The Pettibon System'. For ten minutes, twice a day we strap on weights to Ethan's body strategically placed in order to realign his anatomical structure into a normal alignment. Thus when Ethan is aligned the muscles that he does have working can work optimally and we never know what muscles could have been hiding out and not had the opportunity to work due to being miss aligned from a poorly aligned spine. This gives us more hope and another step closer to walking on the plane to China. Which brings us to our next thought. When are we going to China????? Well, we still do not know. But, I know that we will be going and when we do it will be an incredibly huge healing event. I have recently been given links to stem cell research that has only been done in China and we are looking into this possibility in conjunction with the bowel and bladder nerve rerouting surgery.
I will keep you updated more often now that the kids are back at school and our life seems to be on some sort of conducive schedule that allows me to invest the time in doing what I love to do; writing to inspire you to see what an awesome world we have and life that you have to live! No matter what the cause of our frustrations seems to be we must take the time to see and perceive our lives differently. Nothing is impossible and joy is every where around us no matter where you are or what your situation is. I can say this, because I know. I have walked a life of misery and if you choose to walk a life of joy everything will change for you; I promise. I welcome you to go on and read "Jen's Web" sometime in the near future. There you will begin to have an understanding of who I am and why I have chosen to see joy in my life, finally, after all these years. To you, I send love and sheer joy, because we are one and connected. I love you. Yes, you.
Oh, and here is the video...
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