Once again, another incredible lesson came to me yesterday. My friend, Kaz Mammon, who is orchestrating the Harley motorbike ride event on May 19th to raise money for the Fowler Center for Special Needs Children, did another nice thing for our family. He wanted to have Ethan take pictures for another newspaper interview. Now Ethan is very excited about the event coming up on the 19th. He completely understands the reason for this fundraiser now that he has had two picture sessions for the press. You should have seen this kid ham it up for the camera. He gave his simple smile look as well as his ever so serious look for the many, many pictures that were taken. He was so proud to sit up on that huge Harley bike and then stand next to the bike that is at least 5 times his size. He knows exactly why we are doing this, to raise the money needed to build an awesome center for these most deserving kids. 100% of the money raised will go to the camp.
It was clearly invigorating for this 48 pound kid to sit on top of that huge Harley. There was a sense of pride and an "I am important" attitude that filled him up completely. And then when we were all done all he wanted to do was go play with his brother on the playground in the park next to us. I have never seen him get up and down off the jungle gym, merry go round, and see saw so fast and so independently before in his short life. I remember days of the past when Ethan would scream and yell with fear over trying anything new. He would either refuse to climb anything or he would throw a tantrum until I was right there next to him lifting him from one place to the next. Today, Ethan was miraculously running all over the place occasionally asking for help to hold his arm crutches or lift his leg over a bar. A piece of me didn't know what to do with myself now that I didn't have to help Ethan all the time and then another piece of me reminded me that I needed to enjoy and savor this moment. So, I joined in on the fun, spinning them super fast on the merry go round, see sawing up and down on the see saw, and encouraging them to jump and slide on the playground. And then there was little Eleanor laughing and giggling as she watched everyone having fun. She had fun too swinging back and forth in the bucket swings.
Just think, we would have missed out on this glorious day of fun and play if I didn't have to pull Ethan out of school early to go take pictures for the newspaper. Then to top it all off Kaz thanked us with two pizzas to take home for dinner. It is we who should have done the thank yous. So here I am, thanking you, Kaz, for asking us to be a part of this event. It has been nothing but a blessing and we look forward to May 19th when we get to go for a Harley ride for these kids that deserve it at the Fowler Center.
Please go to http://www.mamonride.com/ for more information on the fundraising event for the Fowler Center Camp for Special Needs Children.
You can also go to http://thefowlercenter.org/aboutus.shtml for more information about the Fowler Center Camp for Special Needs Children. It is a very informative and eye opening web site.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Unity and Diversity
It has never been more clear to me the past two days how necessary it is for us to have relationships with all kinds of people. Connecting with others is so incredibly important for our well being. We are humans. We are designed to connect with others. To breathe, to feel, to honor each other's emotions, and connect on all levels. I read an article on unity and diversity the other day. It talks about how important it is for all of us to be different in our own ways and unify at the same time. And that many of us think that unity and diversity are polar opposites. Many of feel that in order for us to unify we must be similar in thought and idea. And to diversify is to accept differences but we do not think of putting the two together.
Ethan, my oldest son with Spina Bifida, taught me about this magical concept first hand the other day. Just recently he was given new leg braces and a twister strap to keep his right leg form turning to the side when he walks. The leg braces we have been used to because Ethan has needed a new pair almost every 6 months from the time he was 2 years old. But the twister strap is a fairly new concept designed to help him integrate his muscles more efficiently for walking. The strap is made out of flexible, strong, 1 1/2" wide fabric that buckles at his waist and then continues to wind down and wrap around his right leg like a candy cane and attaches to the velcro on the top of his shoe. It has resistance in order to pull his foot into a straight forward position. Ethan tends to walk with his right foot to the side and this strap will help train the muscles in his leg to move correctly. He must wear this all the time and part of doing this is going to school with this twisty thing on. Mind you he is in elementary school and my first thought, as well as my husbands, was what are the kids at school going to say to Ethan. Are they going to make fun of him and it would break my heart to find out that kids did make fun of him. We encouraged Ethan to wear the strap underneath his clothes and not over the top of his clothes but he would not have anything to do with this. He has insisted on wearing it on the outside of his clothes purposely for everyone to see it. To my amazement he was damn proud of his twister strap and eager to wear it to school. I was the one who had a problem with his differences. We are unified in our diversity. Ethan told me he would have no problem going to school and answering all the questions that might come up from his friends. We role played what to say and he quickly came up with honest and strong minded answers. "What is that thing?" I would say. "That's my twister strap," Ethan quickly responded. "What's a twister strap?" I asked. "It helps to keep my leg straight when I walk," he confidently responded. "What do you need that for? Is your leg broken?" I asked with an attitude. "Nooooo, I need it just for now until I can do it on my own," Ethan replied assured. I was astonished at the amount of enthusiasm and sass he had about who he was and what he needed to do to make this work. He knows to a certain degree that he is different from everyone else and he is not shy about making everyone see that at the same time our differences bring us all together and help us to unify. These kids readily accept my son Ethan at his school because he's got the attitude that he is different and astoundingly awesome that he is so different. We just have to let go of our predisposed attitudes as adults and always ask our selves why not and who says we can't be unified and different at the same time. We all may be different in so many remarkable ways but it is so important to see these differences as gifts to learn by from each other to help us grow and be more open to our own healing and change that happens within us when we do. We need to have compassion for each other and help each other out and at the same time accept each other for where we are and what we are doing in this very moment. Ethan has reminded me of this once again. Thanks buddy, your awesome!
Ethan, my oldest son with Spina Bifida, taught me about this magical concept first hand the other day. Just recently he was given new leg braces and a twister strap to keep his right leg form turning to the side when he walks. The leg braces we have been used to because Ethan has needed a new pair almost every 6 months from the time he was 2 years old. But the twister strap is a fairly new concept designed to help him integrate his muscles more efficiently for walking. The strap is made out of flexible, strong, 1 1/2" wide fabric that buckles at his waist and then continues to wind down and wrap around his right leg like a candy cane and attaches to the velcro on the top of his shoe. It has resistance in order to pull his foot into a straight forward position. Ethan tends to walk with his right foot to the side and this strap will help train the muscles in his leg to move correctly. He must wear this all the time and part of doing this is going to school with this twisty thing on. Mind you he is in elementary school and my first thought, as well as my husbands, was what are the kids at school going to say to Ethan. Are they going to make fun of him and it would break my heart to find out that kids did make fun of him. We encouraged Ethan to wear the strap underneath his clothes and not over the top of his clothes but he would not have anything to do with this. He has insisted on wearing it on the outside of his clothes purposely for everyone to see it. To my amazement he was damn proud of his twister strap and eager to wear it to school. I was the one who had a problem with his differences. We are unified in our diversity. Ethan told me he would have no problem going to school and answering all the questions that might come up from his friends. We role played what to say and he quickly came up with honest and strong minded answers. "What is that thing?" I would say. "That's my twister strap," Ethan quickly responded. "What's a twister strap?" I asked. "It helps to keep my leg straight when I walk," he confidently responded. "What do you need that for? Is your leg broken?" I asked with an attitude. "Nooooo, I need it just for now until I can do it on my own," Ethan replied assured. I was astonished at the amount of enthusiasm and sass he had about who he was and what he needed to do to make this work. He knows to a certain degree that he is different from everyone else and he is not shy about making everyone see that at the same time our differences bring us all together and help us to unify. These kids readily accept my son Ethan at his school because he's got the attitude that he is different and astoundingly awesome that he is so different. We just have to let go of our predisposed attitudes as adults and always ask our selves why not and who says we can't be unified and different at the same time. We all may be different in so many remarkable ways but it is so important to see these differences as gifts to learn by from each other to help us grow and be more open to our own healing and change that happens within us when we do. We need to have compassion for each other and help each other out and at the same time accept each other for where we are and what we are doing in this very moment. Ethan has reminded me of this once again. Thanks buddy, your awesome!
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Thoughts for the day
All you are today is what you are in this moment. Don't let the waves of your past crash down on who you are today.
Feel your feelings and embrace all of who you are. Resolve to love all of you.
Live each day as if it were your last.
See the light in your children's eyes and let that give you inspiration.
Be peace and have hope.
Surrender and let go.
What matters is this very moment.
Feel your feelings and embrace all of who you are. Resolve to love all of you.
Live each day as if it were your last.
See the light in your children's eyes and let that give you inspiration.
Be peace and have hope.
Surrender and let go.
What matters is this very moment.
Monday, May 7, 2007
The Weekend
I'd like to bring up something that bothers me every month. PMS. Since I have been writing and taking time to pull my thoughts together on paper. I have noticed a pattern. Just about two weeks or 12-14 days out of every month I struggle with the same patterns of anxiety, frustration, and anger. I notice that the little things that do not usually bother me, like spilled milk and pee on the bathroom floor, become huge events that send me into a tail spin. I am not blaming the symptoms on PMS nor am I making excuses for my outrageous behavior. I am simply making a link to a pattern that I have noticed. I have to believe that there is a reason for going through these cycles and becoming overloaded at times. I would like the answers to many of the questions that remain on the front of my brain. Are these cycles of peace, fear, and rage, at the same intervals each month, asking me to go within and come up with the answers myself? Maybe. I feel that we go through these hormonal shifts for a much higher reason. One of my questions is how can I harness and use this energy to propel me to another level of awareness and womanly divinity? I know that the next 14 days starting on Saturday will be easier and more manageable. It is the 14 days that comes after when PMS begins that I worry. It is during these times that I am uptight and completely besides myself. My rage and patience tips and I very easily become out of control. On the other hand, when it all comes down and menstruation has ceased I come back to myself with a new sense of awareness that takes me to another level of higher reason, love, peace, and honesty. I begin to know and understand myself even better that before. So I contemplate the idea that I NEED these cycles. I NEED to feel them and go through them with a new sense of honesty and awareness each time they happen and learn something else about me and my family each time. Because each time I go through them I learn something new and meaningful. And once I learn something new I can go back and try something new to help the situation for when it happens again. Everything has change and everything can be created to how or what you like it is just more difficult when you have a clouded state of mind. When the clouds pass I can look back and clearly see what I can do differently for the next time.
Some ideas for the next cycle:
1. I can pay attention to diet recommendations for women and PMS.
2. Include supplements in my diet to help with the hormonal shifts.
3. Keep a log of my emotional changes and eating habits especially as I get closer to the 12-14 days where I have the most trouble.
4. I can plan to surround myself with support like using babysitters more frequently during those weeks, going out and having more alone time with my husband, spending time to relax and meditate more, get together with friends for play dates or for dinner, and plan kids activities so that we are out doing things with other people more frequently.
5. Surround myself with inspirational quotes in my house, listening to peaceful music through out my days, and lighting candles.
6. Spend extra time planning ahead the weeks prior two PMS so that I know I have the support and reminders I need to get through my days peacefully and supported.
So know that I am open to all of these new ideas I think it is very important for me to start looking into these things NOW so that when I come around into another"dark night of the soul" I can pull upon all of these resources. Having resources is key. I need to be able to have a safe place where I can call on someone or something to help me get through the darker sides of my life until I can get back into the inspirational parts again. The first step is planning ahead to figure out what you can do to make this work and as you try new things you start making a resource file on what does and does not work so that eventually you build a support system for that time of the month. Therefore you can pull out what you need whenever you need it. This takes the willingness to get to know yourself and the time to try out different strategies. It takes going within to find out exactly what is right for you because we are all unique on what we need. These past two weeks of PMS have taken me to a new and deeper level of awareness. I am thankful for this. In knowing who I am at a deeper and deeper level, this new knowledge I have is taking me to a new level of awareness, power, and peace. Knowledge is power and harnessing and using the knowledge to promote peace from within promotes a powerful force of love that can heal anything. This is the honorable and true meaning of a woman's cycle. It is a calling and an honor to go within and know who you are on all levels. The more I understand and know me, the deeper I go, the more I realize I can do anything. It is a powerful peace and a peaceful power to know yourself completely.
Some ideas for the next cycle:
1. I can pay attention to diet recommendations for women and PMS.
2. Include supplements in my diet to help with the hormonal shifts.
3. Keep a log of my emotional changes and eating habits especially as I get closer to the 12-14 days where I have the most trouble.
4. I can plan to surround myself with support like using babysitters more frequently during those weeks, going out and having more alone time with my husband, spending time to relax and meditate more, get together with friends for play dates or for dinner, and plan kids activities so that we are out doing things with other people more frequently.
5. Surround myself with inspirational quotes in my house, listening to peaceful music through out my days, and lighting candles.
6. Spend extra time planning ahead the weeks prior two PMS so that I know I have the support and reminders I need to get through my days peacefully and supported.
So know that I am open to all of these new ideas I think it is very important for me to start looking into these things NOW so that when I come around into another"dark night of the soul" I can pull upon all of these resources. Having resources is key. I need to be able to have a safe place where I can call on someone or something to help me get through the darker sides of my life until I can get back into the inspirational parts again. The first step is planning ahead to figure out what you can do to make this work and as you try new things you start making a resource file on what does and does not work so that eventually you build a support system for that time of the month. Therefore you can pull out what you need whenever you need it. This takes the willingness to get to know yourself and the time to try out different strategies. It takes going within to find out exactly what is right for you because we are all unique on what we need. These past two weeks of PMS have taken me to a new and deeper level of awareness. I am thankful for this. In knowing who I am at a deeper and deeper level, this new knowledge I have is taking me to a new level of awareness, power, and peace. Knowledge is power and harnessing and using the knowledge to promote peace from within promotes a powerful force of love that can heal anything. This is the honorable and true meaning of a woman's cycle. It is a calling and an honor to go within and know who you are on all levels. The more I understand and know me, the deeper I go, the more I realize I can do anything. It is a powerful peace and a peaceful power to know yourself completely.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Part II Miracles
L...O...V...E... L...O...V...E... L...O...V...E...
My mantra for today is L...O...V...E...
Since I have trouble feeling it all the time I am going to spell it out every time I feel myself 'slipping' into old patterns and L...O...V...E... will bring me back.
"It's just another ordinary miracle today." Theme song from Charlotte's Web
My mantra for today is L...O...V...E...
Since I have trouble feeling it all the time I am going to spell it out every time I feel myself 'slipping' into old patterns and L...O...V...E... will bring me back.
"It's just another ordinary miracle today." Theme song from Charlotte's Web
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
My Miracle
I asked for a miracle and that is exactly what happened. Tonight at 4:00 I received a phone call from a man named Kaz who does motor bike rides to raise money for kids with special needs. He met us once in a parking lot and tracked us down to find out how I could get Ethan to a place in MI for an interview with a newspaper on publicizing a ride that they are having to raise money for Camp Fowler, a camp especially for special needs children. Kaz called me on my cell phone while I was in my car driving all three of my kids to Ethan's physical therapy appointment. He wanted me to meet him about 45 minutes away at 5:30 to do an interview and he wanted to have Ethan their because he remembered how brilliant he seemed. He wants him to go on the 65 mile motor bike ride to raise money and he wants to send him to camp for free. I started to cry on the phone. The incredible gesture of love and sheer brilliance coming from this man struck me and made me want to release any last feelings of doubt or depression about my day and our situation. Someone once said to me, "Just when you think you have it rough someone comes along and makes it all very clear to you that you appreciate where you are and all that you have." Kaz did this for me today. In the midst of my hazy state of fog along comes this brilliant man to brighten our day. And you know what I said? In the midst of my fog I said, "Wow, I have mac-n-cheese in the oven for dinner that I have to get out or my house is going to catch on fire before we can get home in time." Kaz politely responded, "So call someone to get the mac-n-cheese out and come meet us." "Oh, yeah", I said, "I'll do that." With that, I called my husband left a long message pleading with him to meet me at therapy to pick up my other two kids take them home and turn off the oven while I drove Ethan to the interview. Few! It all worked out, of course. Kaz, Ethan and I met with the newspaper reporter and they took pictures to advertise for the event. Throughout this whole ordeal I remembered something I had forgotten...TO JUST HAVE FUN. Through all the lists of have to dos, should dos, could have done, and would have done I forgot what life was really about. Through all the anxiety and worry about daily life stresses I forgot what was really important. Us, each other, you and I, all of us. We are all important. The only thing that is important is to love each other and live life with peace and joy. And here we go again, another day and another lesson learned.
(Links to Kaz's website are above at Mammon Ride for Children)
(Links to Kaz's website are above at Mammon Ride for Children)
Part II of Our Children, Our Greatest Teachers
I sit here with a box of tissues next to me. I have said this before and I will say it again, our children are our greatest teachers. Ethan is mine. He is teaching me fearlessly and tirelessly. This has been a tough week for us. Mainly for me. I sit and write as my heart aches and he is sitting at school smiling and laughing. I know this because I emailed his teacher to check in on him at school. I am relieved he is at school and away from home.
My heart aches because we had another one of those mornings. Another morning where he doesn't want to do his work and another morning where I get upset because he doesn't want to do his work. I think we try to accomplish too much in the morning and I should have stopped at the word cards. We should have stopped and been excited about our successes. Instead, I had him go further and read a book which usually is not a big deal. But this time it was a new book and tougher to get through the first time. The mom in me should have figured that we should wait and do it later when we had more time but I kept pushing him and he kept pushing right back. My patience is short and I snapped. I immediately scolded him for not listening to me, cut the time short and decided to take away his privileges. How cool was that? Not cool at all. It's like I have this ticking time bomb inside of me and the minute I can't take it any more I explode. Ethan does exactly what he does best...he decides what he is going to do and nothing can change his mind. I do what I have been taught time and time again, that being a bully is how you get your kids to listen. You see, I grew up in an abusive family with an alcoholic father. Yelling and screaming and bullying your kids into listening was the norm in our house. You never knew when the next threat or hit would be coming. Not to mention my mom had cancer and died when I was 16 and my brother became schizophrenic shortly after. I'm not asking for your sympathy here I'm just trying to give you a little back ground before I lead up to my next idea.
After having some time to think about what happened this morning and about a dozen snotty tissues later I realised something. I am creating the same traumatic environment I grew up with when I was little. Every time I loose my temper I am creating the same atmosphere of fear and anxiety I grew up with. It is a cycle that has gone on for generations. I have generations of abused women in my family who not only were abused but did the abusing to others as well. My father's mom was abusive which lead to my father abusing my childhood and my mother's side of the family was the abused which lead to my mother being abused by my father. It has been passed around by both sides of my family from one generation to the next. Centuries of abuse and the abused from grandmothers to grandfathers, aunts to uncles. Now, I am doing it to my kids. Ethan cowers when I yell and becomes very afraid and then finally listens to his mom the bully. Aiden hides out and then decides to do things to please me in hopes that I won't be so mad anymore. Luckily, Eleanor has only seen me yell a couple of times and I am determined to kick this disease. I have realised that with the help of family, friends, and professional help that I can do this. But this is why I am so upset this morning...I know I can do this but I screwed up AGAIN. I yelled and I exploded. I did not take time to breath, count, feel the anger pass, and decide that their is another way. Their is an easier way. Their is a way of letting go...I have shared this image before and here it is again...I pray that I will have the strength and the courage to go on and finally become a divine mother. I am sorry again as I feel the feelings of generations of abuse go straight through my body and into my heart. I am doing this for you, for me, for generations of women, and mostly for my children who deserve more. I am conscious of this and I know that healing is possible and that miracles are possible. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. Here is my angel story...
Today, I am a mom, a mom not feeling all together. The feelings come and go but today and the past couple of days they have been particularly strong. The worries and the fears come up time and time again. Like a witches brew and her pot is bubbling over with snakes, and snails and puppy dog' s tails. My pot is full, bubbling over, and I fear it will explode. I do the things I know that will help me contain this brew from bursting. I reach out for help, I talk to others, I take time for myself, I meditate, I exercise, I write, but I still can not control it. I am surrounded by uncontrollable factors in my life and it is far more than I can handle. I am being guided and reminded to let go, but something inside me keeps pulling me in the wrong direction. It is as if I am stuck in a black hole and no matter how hard I try to scrape myself out I can't get myself out. I'm afraid, I don't want to fall, I don't want to fail. But I can't hold on any longer, my arms are way too tired and my fingers are slipping. So, I finally just let go. I let go and I am falling, falling, falling. Falling into the bleakness, the blackness and I fear that I will die! It is scary and I am deathly afraid.
But wait...something comes and catches me. It engulfs me in its wings and holds me. I am lifted. I am still. I am in the air floating with white feathery wings all around me. It speaks, "You can trust me." "You can trust me", the soft voice repeats again. "Be still my child", the voice says, "I will hold you and take you where you need to go. You have only forgotten to trust." The voice continues, "I am here to remind you that you can trust me. Let go, my dear, let go and let be." With these words I feel my tense muscles begin to soften, the brow on my face begins to ease, and my clutched hands begin to relax. I am held there in mid air amongst the feathery white glow with the reminders of bleakness and blackness in the background when suddenly we begin to lift. Up, up, up, it slowly carries me floating out to the surface and out of the darkness. It gently places me on the green grass sitting under an old majestic oak tree. It says, "Like the trees and the wind, I am always here for you, just trust and time will tell." It continues, "All will be as it should. Be calm, be at peace my child, you are taken care of." I finally trust enough to lie down under the tree curled up on my side with my hands placed together under my head. The white feathery thing takes its wings and places them upon me as a blanket that comforts me. I lay under its protection and the protection of the old oak while the wind sings me softly to sleep. I say, "Thank you", in deepest gratitude and once again I trust and I know that all is taken care of.
My heart aches because we had another one of those mornings. Another morning where he doesn't want to do his work and another morning where I get upset because he doesn't want to do his work. I think we try to accomplish too much in the morning and I should have stopped at the word cards. We should have stopped and been excited about our successes. Instead, I had him go further and read a book which usually is not a big deal. But this time it was a new book and tougher to get through the first time. The mom in me should have figured that we should wait and do it later when we had more time but I kept pushing him and he kept pushing right back. My patience is short and I snapped. I immediately scolded him for not listening to me, cut the time short and decided to take away his privileges. How cool was that? Not cool at all. It's like I have this ticking time bomb inside of me and the minute I can't take it any more I explode. Ethan does exactly what he does best...he decides what he is going to do and nothing can change his mind. I do what I have been taught time and time again, that being a bully is how you get your kids to listen. You see, I grew up in an abusive family with an alcoholic father. Yelling and screaming and bullying your kids into listening was the norm in our house. You never knew when the next threat or hit would be coming. Not to mention my mom had cancer and died when I was 16 and my brother became schizophrenic shortly after. I'm not asking for your sympathy here I'm just trying to give you a little back ground before I lead up to my next idea.
After having some time to think about what happened this morning and about a dozen snotty tissues later I realised something. I am creating the same traumatic environment I grew up with when I was little. Every time I loose my temper I am creating the same atmosphere of fear and anxiety I grew up with. It is a cycle that has gone on for generations. I have generations of abused women in my family who not only were abused but did the abusing to others as well. My father's mom was abusive which lead to my father abusing my childhood and my mother's side of the family was the abused which lead to my mother being abused by my father. It has been passed around by both sides of my family from one generation to the next. Centuries of abuse and the abused from grandmothers to grandfathers, aunts to uncles. Now, I am doing it to my kids. Ethan cowers when I yell and becomes very afraid and then finally listens to his mom the bully. Aiden hides out and then decides to do things to please me in hopes that I won't be so mad anymore. Luckily, Eleanor has only seen me yell a couple of times and I am determined to kick this disease. I have realised that with the help of family, friends, and professional help that I can do this. But this is why I am so upset this morning...I know I can do this but I screwed up AGAIN. I yelled and I exploded. I did not take time to breath, count, feel the anger pass, and decide that their is another way. Their is an easier way. Their is a way of letting go...I have shared this image before and here it is again...I pray that I will have the strength and the courage to go on and finally become a divine mother. I am sorry again as I feel the feelings of generations of abuse go straight through my body and into my heart. I am doing this for you, for me, for generations of women, and mostly for my children who deserve more. I am conscious of this and I know that healing is possible and that miracles are possible. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. Here is my angel story...
Today, I am a mom, a mom not feeling all together. The feelings come and go but today and the past couple of days they have been particularly strong. The worries and the fears come up time and time again. Like a witches brew and her pot is bubbling over with snakes, and snails and puppy dog' s tails. My pot is full, bubbling over, and I fear it will explode. I do the things I know that will help me contain this brew from bursting. I reach out for help, I talk to others, I take time for myself, I meditate, I exercise, I write, but I still can not control it. I am surrounded by uncontrollable factors in my life and it is far more than I can handle. I am being guided and reminded to let go, but something inside me keeps pulling me in the wrong direction. It is as if I am stuck in a black hole and no matter how hard I try to scrape myself out I can't get myself out. I'm afraid, I don't want to fall, I don't want to fail. But I can't hold on any longer, my arms are way too tired and my fingers are slipping. So, I finally just let go. I let go and I am falling, falling, falling. Falling into the bleakness, the blackness and I fear that I will die! It is scary and I am deathly afraid.
But wait...something comes and catches me. It engulfs me in its wings and holds me. I am lifted. I am still. I am in the air floating with white feathery wings all around me. It speaks, "You can trust me." "You can trust me", the soft voice repeats again. "Be still my child", the voice says, "I will hold you and take you where you need to go. You have only forgotten to trust." The voice continues, "I am here to remind you that you can trust me. Let go, my dear, let go and let be." With these words I feel my tense muscles begin to soften, the brow on my face begins to ease, and my clutched hands begin to relax. I am held there in mid air amongst the feathery white glow with the reminders of bleakness and blackness in the background when suddenly we begin to lift. Up, up, up, it slowly carries me floating out to the surface and out of the darkness. It gently places me on the green grass sitting under an old majestic oak tree. It says, "Like the trees and the wind, I am always here for you, just trust and time will tell." It continues, "All will be as it should. Be calm, be at peace my child, you are taken care of." I finally trust enough to lie down under the tree curled up on my side with my hands placed together under my head. The white feathery thing takes its wings and places them upon me as a blanket that comforts me. I lay under its protection and the protection of the old oak while the wind sings me softly to sleep. I say, "Thank you", in deepest gratitude and once again I trust and I know that all is taken care of.
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