My oldest son, Ethan, came home from school yesterday with different clothes on than when he went to school. When he left for school that morning he had khaki shorts on with a faded red "Ren and Stimpy" shirt. When I came to pick him up at the bus stop he was wearing khaki shorts that were 2x too big and a huge red t shirt that were both falling off his little body. As I was taking his arm crutches to help him down from the steps I asked him why he had different clothes on and he hushed me and said, "I'll tell you in the car." I knew then that he must have had "an accident" at school. This is a touchy situation for Ethan. He is still not potty trained and wears pull ups to school every day. He has a wonderful helper at school who faithfully reminds Ethan when it is "potty time" every day at set times throughout his school day. We are not sure what Ethan can feel and if he can feel anything. The Doctors do not have allot of faith in him developing this skill but something inside me believes that miracles never cease and that this is one of many miracles that Ethan is having.
When Ethan told me what happened at school he didn't have to say much until I knew it was diarrhea. You see, the clothes he had worn home were now filled with diarrhea as well and we would be spending the rest of the evening taking a bath and changing pull ups as the diarrhea came and went. Actually this became a family event. All three kids got to take an early bath and had a dairy free dinner of toast and dry honey nut cheerios with some water. Mmmm, Mmmm. Ethan never really told me the whole story and he made it very clear he did not want to go to school the next day. It wasn't until later that I would learn from one of his teachers that Ethan's diarrhea actually became a seen with all the kids and he was very embarrassed and crying. It happened at the end of the day and they had just barely made it on the bus to go home. In my mind I can think of a hundred reasons why this was a blessing in disguise but it still doesn't take away the pain of him going through such embarrassment and the pain of wondering when is this miracle bowel and bladder control going to happen? And then I think for a moment...this is what faith is all about...believing in something you can not see or touch but believing in something you feel inside. You see, I have always felt so strongly about Ethan and his ability to walk even though we were told to get a wheel chair and forget about it. And look at him, he walks FAST with red forearm crutches and the kid showed me just the other day that he can stand for at least 60 seconds with out any support. He was so proud of himself he said, "Look Mom! I didn't know I could do that! As he stood in the middle of the bathroom with out holding onto anything with a huge electrifying smile on his face.
We spend allot of time in the bathroom these days trying and trying to figure out the best routine and plan to help Ethan figure out bathroom independence until the miracle comes. Some people may think we are crazy searching for a miracle. But you see, we are not searching. The miracle is right here in this present moment in the learning that is going on along this journey that we are taking. I believe that the people and series of coincidences will come when the time is right for Ethan to gain control. Up until then it is all about the journey and the path that we are all on together. So many people learned an incredible lesson for themselves yesterday when Ethan had his accident. For some, it may have been patience and compassion in a time of crisis to help a little boy and for others it may have been the importance of helping our peers when they need help and for another it may have been the opportunity to open up and let someone help him and take his hand and tell him that it was going to be ok and that we are all here to help if you just let us in. You see, I truly believe that Ethan had a lesson in what happened yesterday...a truly great lesson. It was another opportunity for him to let down his walls and let others in to help him and that being different is the greatest gift of all. Because in our differences we learn from each other about peace, joy, harmony, and love. Diversity and unity are synonymous. In our diversity we are unified. We come together to help each other out and nourish each other.
I know that one day Ethan will have the control over his bowel and bladder systems and until then we will ride the waves of ups and downs that teach us every step of the way. So , I want to thank all the marvelous teachers and students at his school that were a part of his journey and a part of his healing yesterday and today. And I was blessed with having Ethan home from school today to spend some extra quality time with him. He went to his little brothers preschool for an end of the year ice cream party (I brought dairy free ice cream for Ethan), he played on the playground with all of his brother's friends, used the potty at his brother's school (diarrhea free), we ate vending machine snacks outside in the blessed sunny day, and then now the two brothers are watching a Nick Jr. show while Eleanor takes a nap and we soon get ready to go to Physical Therapy. It has been a healing day for all of us and actually a relief for me. I can actually see all 4 of us having a great summer together!
So thank you Ethan, once again, for another incredible lesson and thank you for the beautiful healing day for all of us. Ethan, I know that this too shall pass and that mountains will be moved for you.
Love you, Mom
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
Healing Old Wounds
This past month I took some time off. Some time off to go within and work on some severely severed parts of me. I had found that in so many ways I had fallen and I could not get up. My energy had vanished. With each part of myself that I looked at deeper I kept finding so many coping skills that I have learned to use over the years to help me get on with life. Once I looked at what I used to cover up the sores, in hopes of just moving on and it would just go away, I had to examine what was really going on underneath the band aides. There were so many old wounds that I just covered up. Old memories, old hurts, old pains from my past that were eating at my very existence that I just managed in hopes they would just disappear. But what I learned is that these wounds, like war wounds, don't just go away. They don't just scab over and then eventually vanish. They have to be looked at, embraced, loved, felt, and then let go. I was forced to surrender this past month and I feel that I am finally coming out of the darkness that I had to go into in order to see the light.
My energy had dwindled to almost nothing. Like so many times in my life before I had much difficulty getting up in the morning and it seemed like there was no end to the terrible weakness I felt. My mood swings were at an all time high and my anxiety and stress was sky rocketing. But this time, I have no excuses like being pregnant or having a new born or not taking care of myself. I do take care of myself, so I thought. I ate right (lots of vegetables, fruits, and whole grains), I slept about 7 hours a night, and ran about 15-20 miles per week. I was in great shape! So I thought. My emotional being was never quite in shape. I was still edgy and anxious around my children and could not understand why. I took all the latest supplements...omega 3's, calcium, magnesium, vitamin D, etc. But I was still stressed out and far from calm.
To make a long story short, through a series of coincidences I finally realise that these past six years of searching for answers about my son, born with spina bifida, all comes down to searching for answers about myself. The past six years has been a calling back to who I am and where I come from and now with the last couple of months being incredibly draining where I can no longer get myself motivated through out my day, I have finally been given another light to look to. Another chance to learn exactly who I am and what my purpose is on this Earth. This is what I wish to share with you over the next couple of weeks or months or however long it takes me to tell my story. But I now know that the daily trials that happen in my life are just a calling back to who I am and where I cam from. Who and what the hell is this woman talking about? You might ask. Or you might even think I have finally fell off my rocker. But no, I assure you I have not. I have finally realised that every day I live is a blessing and every day is a return back to the creator in every interaction I have and every action I make. So I am going to write about this with the final understanding of what this is all about. I have said before that our children are our greatest teachers. This is true but also in that we ALL are our greatest teachers to each other and in that is the greatest teacher of all letting us make our choices and finding our way back to who we are, perfect loving divine beings of light.
So, I continue to rest up and gain my energy back. In my healing, which is what I wish to share with you, I hope to be reminded and renewed all that I already know deep within me. It is taking the time to go within and tap into all that we already know that is so important and so energizing to all of us. I have my power to do this now, I didn't before. And now I have the light within me to see all the grand miracles bestowed on us daily. So I will remember to share all my miracles with you that I ask for in each moment of every day if you remember to remind yourself daily what an incredible miracle you are.
All my love and light to you,
Jennifer
My energy had dwindled to almost nothing. Like so many times in my life before I had much difficulty getting up in the morning and it seemed like there was no end to the terrible weakness I felt. My mood swings were at an all time high and my anxiety and stress was sky rocketing. But this time, I have no excuses like being pregnant or having a new born or not taking care of myself. I do take care of myself, so I thought. I ate right (lots of vegetables, fruits, and whole grains), I slept about 7 hours a night, and ran about 15-20 miles per week. I was in great shape! So I thought. My emotional being was never quite in shape. I was still edgy and anxious around my children and could not understand why. I took all the latest supplements...omega 3's, calcium, magnesium, vitamin D, etc. But I was still stressed out and far from calm.
To make a long story short, through a series of coincidences I finally realise that these past six years of searching for answers about my son, born with spina bifida, all comes down to searching for answers about myself. The past six years has been a calling back to who I am and where I come from and now with the last couple of months being incredibly draining where I can no longer get myself motivated through out my day, I have finally been given another light to look to. Another chance to learn exactly who I am and what my purpose is on this Earth. This is what I wish to share with you over the next couple of weeks or months or however long it takes me to tell my story. But I now know that the daily trials that happen in my life are just a calling back to who I am and where I cam from. Who and what the hell is this woman talking about? You might ask. Or you might even think I have finally fell off my rocker. But no, I assure you I have not. I have finally realised that every day I live is a blessing and every day is a return back to the creator in every interaction I have and every action I make. So I am going to write about this with the final understanding of what this is all about. I have said before that our children are our greatest teachers. This is true but also in that we ALL are our greatest teachers to each other and in that is the greatest teacher of all letting us make our choices and finding our way back to who we are, perfect loving divine beings of light.
So, I continue to rest up and gain my energy back. In my healing, which is what I wish to share with you, I hope to be reminded and renewed all that I already know deep within me. It is taking the time to go within and tap into all that we already know that is so important and so energizing to all of us. I have my power to do this now, I didn't before. And now I have the light within me to see all the grand miracles bestowed on us daily. So I will remember to share all my miracles with you that I ask for in each moment of every day if you remember to remind yourself daily what an incredible miracle you are.
All my love and light to you,
Jennifer
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