Have no doubts…it will all work out.
Have no fear, have no doubt, it will all work out. The phrase is something to consider. Imagine a world, a life that has no fear, which is not plagued by doubt. Fear and doubt is the ego questioning everything that you do or that you are going to do. Look, listen, deep into your soul there is a little voice in there waiting to be heard. She is speaking; she is calling out to you. "Listen to me…it has been a long time since you have heard what I have to say." Pay attention to her. She knows all, she knows everything. She has many words of wisdom to guide you. She is you. You. Yes, she is you. Listen to her. Deep within, within your soul there is guidance that has always been there. Somewhere along the way we stopped listening to that inner guidance. As we grew up it became hazy and then plummeted into a deep fog. Well, I am here to tell you that the fog is beginning to lift and now she is calling out to you. Listen to what she has to say…"Have no doubts, no doubts, no doubts…it all works out." Every word, every action, every deed is done for a reason, an incredible reason. Nothing you do or say is ever wrong. Wrong is something you were taught when you were little. It was wrong to do this, it was wrong to do that. All the things you were told not to do, that you were scolded for. I am telling you, your soul is telling you that there is no wrong. You are a divine masterpiece. Everything you have gone through thus far has taken you to where you are right now. And where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be. So embrace the fears, embrace the doubts, feel them for what they are, a divine creation of you. In loving the fears and the doubt you love yourself, and what a beautiful gift to give yourself and all those who surround you. When you love yourself, you love the world. In embracing fear you embrace the world.
Re-member, all fear is a call for love. In essence all doubt, is a call for love. When you question yourself, your actions, your thoughts…embrace them, love them, hold them close to your heart and tell them it is going to be o.k. It is o.k. little darlings there is nothing to fear. Every step you take to this deep realization is a step closer to embracing your divinity. Remember you are a divine creation that is always learning and always remembering who you are. Like a parent who loves their children and would do nothing to harm them, this is also true of your very existence. It is all about thought. You are a divine master and in your thoughts you create your world. If you think that it is going to be a horrible day than that is exactly what you shall see. If you think it is a beautiful life with opportunities just waiting for you to embrace then this is also what you shall see. No one said it was an easy ride. It takes work to change these thought patterns and to change how you view the world. It all begins with you. What you think, you shall create. If you feel that there are no doubts and that it will all work out then that is exactly what you will create. If you have doubts and you believe that these doubts are telling you that something is going to go wrong, or that it will not work itself out if I don’t do something right away, then this is exactly what will happen. Instead, try to relax and go within. Check in with your soul and see what she has to say before jumping in to the same old patterns. Give yourself a chance to listen to that little voice first. Before you know it that little voice will get stronger and stronger and stronger. Then the old patterns will be replaced by your new powerful voice of divine wisdom. It is all about understanding your ability to create your reality and then stepping up to the plate to claim your reality.
I claim my existence. I claim how I view the world. I claim what I want in my life. In the sea of existence we are all creatures learning how to breathe, and how to swim in our own ways. There is no right or wrong. What may be right for you may be completely wrong for someone else. We are all here learning to swim. Whether you dogie paddle, breast stroke, free style, or swim under water it is all up to you. Claim your divinity, claim your power, claim your existence, and claim your inner voice waiting for you inside. Ultimately, you will finally begin to realize their really is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt, and that it really all does work out.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Piece Number 1
Ask, and you shall receive because you are worthy.
How many of us ask for help? We spend our days doing, doing, and doing more. We do it all and then we volunteer to do more. Our “to do” list is never done. We find an eternal list of things to be done and needs to be met for everyone else. Do we ever stop to meet our own needs or do things for ourselves? Do we ever ask for anything from anyone else? Usually, we do not. Where did we learn this when we came into this life asking for everything without hesitation? Usually, we were taught this from those around us setting the example. For many of us, our own mothers did everything for everyone around us and we rarely witnessed them doing anything for themselves. So we learned that this was what we were supposed to do. Basically, we are worthy if we do for others.
Some of us may have learned this from our educational institutions. They teach that the more extracurricular activities you do and the more extra credit you can achieve the more worthy you are. We are praised for doing it all and encouraged to do even more. But what happens when we continually give what we have to the world around us? We eventually have nothing left for ourselves. Our wells run dry. The gas runs out. Our buckets get tipped over. We find ourselves tired and overwhelmed. We have nothing left and then we wonder why we feel so tired, angry and resentful at the endless amount of things to do, places to go, and goals to accomplish.
We need to learn to fill ourselves so that we can fill others in return. We need to remember to accept ourselves for who we are in all ways and every way. When we can begin to see that we are worthy. Worthy of being filled, worthy of love, worthy of everything the world has to offer and more then we can begin to understand that we are just as important as anyone else and anything else that needs to be done. Our needs are just as worthy of being met. There is healing power in the courage to ask and the ability to receive. Ask, and you shall receive. Give and you will be fulfilled. We can not do one without the other. We need help, we need each other.
A friend of mine once said that we are tribal beings needing each other. I have finally understood this to be true. When I am able to give to others I am filled just as much as when I balance this with receiving in return. In this idea we must trust that we will always be provided with exactly what we need. Many of us get caught up in the worry and the fear that there is never enough time, too much to do, and an endless amount of work. When simply what we need to do is enjoy ourselves and remember that anything is possible and all we have to do is ask for help in any and every way that is necessary to help us see that we can believe that anything is possible! Another words, all you have to do is ask and you shall receive. But be careful that you BELIEVE that it is possible. Which in turn means you must believe in yourself and truly accept all of you. You must love you. This is why we need each other; to help us believe in ourselves and see how truly miraculous each one of us is. I need you because you have much to teach me and you need me because I have much to teach you. We give to each other and we receive. We are humans needing to give and needing to receive. You are worthy of giving and oh so worthy of receiving. You are worthy of asking for help. You are worthy of having your needs met. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of abundance. Worthiness is loving yourself and loving each other at the same time. So next time you feel the need to ask for help, be it from a friend, a lover, the universe, or God, just believe that you are worthy to receive and ask. Just ask and you shall receive.
How many of us ask for help? We spend our days doing, doing, and doing more. We do it all and then we volunteer to do more. Our “to do” list is never done. We find an eternal list of things to be done and needs to be met for everyone else. Do we ever stop to meet our own needs or do things for ourselves? Do we ever ask for anything from anyone else? Usually, we do not. Where did we learn this when we came into this life asking for everything without hesitation? Usually, we were taught this from those around us setting the example. For many of us, our own mothers did everything for everyone around us and we rarely witnessed them doing anything for themselves. So we learned that this was what we were supposed to do. Basically, we are worthy if we do for others.
Some of us may have learned this from our educational institutions. They teach that the more extracurricular activities you do and the more extra credit you can achieve the more worthy you are. We are praised for doing it all and encouraged to do even more. But what happens when we continually give what we have to the world around us? We eventually have nothing left for ourselves. Our wells run dry. The gas runs out. Our buckets get tipped over. We find ourselves tired and overwhelmed. We have nothing left and then we wonder why we feel so tired, angry and resentful at the endless amount of things to do, places to go, and goals to accomplish.
We need to learn to fill ourselves so that we can fill others in return. We need to remember to accept ourselves for who we are in all ways and every way. When we can begin to see that we are worthy. Worthy of being filled, worthy of love, worthy of everything the world has to offer and more then we can begin to understand that we are just as important as anyone else and anything else that needs to be done. Our needs are just as worthy of being met. There is healing power in the courage to ask and the ability to receive. Ask, and you shall receive. Give and you will be fulfilled. We can not do one without the other. We need help, we need each other.
A friend of mine once said that we are tribal beings needing each other. I have finally understood this to be true. When I am able to give to others I am filled just as much as when I balance this with receiving in return. In this idea we must trust that we will always be provided with exactly what we need. Many of us get caught up in the worry and the fear that there is never enough time, too much to do, and an endless amount of work. When simply what we need to do is enjoy ourselves and remember that anything is possible and all we have to do is ask for help in any and every way that is necessary to help us see that we can believe that anything is possible! Another words, all you have to do is ask and you shall receive. But be careful that you BELIEVE that it is possible. Which in turn means you must believe in yourself and truly accept all of you. You must love you. This is why we need each other; to help us believe in ourselves and see how truly miraculous each one of us is. I need you because you have much to teach me and you need me because I have much to teach you. We give to each other and we receive. We are humans needing to give and needing to receive. You are worthy of giving and oh so worthy of receiving. You are worthy of asking for help. You are worthy of having your needs met. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of abundance. Worthiness is loving yourself and loving each other at the same time. So next time you feel the need to ask for help, be it from a friend, a lover, the universe, or God, just believe that you are worthy to receive and ask. Just ask and you shall receive.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Pieces of the Puzzle
I have decided to share something that I have shared before. I will be publishing something I call "Pieces of the Puzzle" on a day to day, week to week basis. It is about being a mother. I am a mother who needs to share my story and that is what I will continue to do. These are thoughts, just thoughts. You give them the meaning that is right for you. I am just writing to keep my thoughts from running my life. They do not mean anything unless you give them meaning. My hope is that these "Pieces of the Puzzle" will help you in any way they are meant to.
Pieces of the Puzzle
There is a piece to being a mother that still seems to be missing. It seems to be coming up in so many different ways. It can be a cycle of ups and downs. A roller coaster ride that can be fun and scary all at the same time. What may seem to be out of control but stays right on track. I feel that it is time to get off the ride and look at this cycle one more time. In times where I am climbing up the roller coaster hill I mostly feel plagued with doubt. It can have a stifling affect on my day to day activities. Doubt likes to take over and hang out waiting for moments to prove its existence and say, “see I told you that was going to happen.” I find that this creeps up more often when I have not been taking care of myself. A little voice inside me says that I need to take care of myself first. Then there is a bigger voice that says this is selfish and that my job is to take care of everyone else first. This is what we were taught to do. I think of my children, they have no problem asking for what they need and want. “Mommy, more milk! Mommy, more crackers. Mommy, can you do this? Mommy, help!” For them, it comes easily. They announce comfortably and without hesitation exactly what they want. It is us that becomes tired of answering there requests and tired of how they ask for their demands. We end up teaching them to not be so demanding and to ask nicely. We teach them to wait their turn and be polite. We tell them not to ask for all of this or all of that because it is too much or too greedy to want it all. We feel they are acting spoiled. There is much to learn from this. They know nothing else than that they are important and that their needs should be met. We have taught them this from birth. They cry as a baby, we pick them up and feed them, change their diaper. We play with them, wash them, and dress them. We love them. We meet their needs. They get older, we find them demanding things and we wonder how they got this way.
But listen…they are teaching us something. Look into the mirror they are holding up for you, look at the reflection of yourself. You are just as important as your child. Yes you are. Your child is reflecting back to you how you should feel about yourself. I need more milk, I need more crackers, I need help with the laundry, and I need help with the cleaning. I need support; I need to be surrounded by love and those who care about my needs too. Huh? What is she talking about? Some of you might say. My mother did all of this and now it is my turn to do all of this too. My mother took care of everything having to do with the house and children. That is just what was done. Oh really, and how did that work for her? Was she happy? Did she have time to play with you? Did you feel like you were important? Did she show you how she met her own needs? Did she ever take care of herself? Did she ever get sick? Did she enjoy life? Did she look around and take in all that life has to offer? Did she listen to the rain, admire the flowers, hug the trees, awe at the sky, and reach up to the stars? Did she love life? Did she truly and honestly love life? Did she pass along to you how truly beautiful life is and all the glory that life has to offer? Did you watch bugs crawl across street cracks together? Did she ever look at each petal of a flower with you and see how truly miraculous and different each one is? Did she snuggle under a blanket and hold you and create beautiful stories at night time together? Did she ever take her hands and dig them into a gallon of ice cream and slop it in her mouth just for the fun of it? Did she ever be a kid with you? Did she ever enjoy life?
For me, my mom did not do this. She was busy. Busy, busy, busy. Always doing something. Doing, doing, and doing. She was doing the laundry, cooking dinner, dusting, going to work, or crying. Crying because her husband was an alcoholic and was coming home drunk again after riding the commuter train home from work. She was using her words to verbally pick fights out of her frustration over his incompetence and irresponsibility. And then she would be physically attacked by an uncontrollable man full of rage, fear, and frustration. In her mind she had to protect her children from this man and attack him with words in hopes he would stop drinking. But this always failed. He would retaliate with his fists. So my mom never had fun. She felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. She felt alone, very alone and desperate with her situation. She felt as if she should talk to no one because after all this was embarrassing. Her marriage was a failure and she was failing her children. Eventually. All of this got the best of her and she became ill. She fought her sickness (cancer) for awhile. Always looking for answers, hoping. She gave a good fight. But deep within her cells she was tired and really ready to let go. Once she new her children would be o.k. she let go and finally surrendered. Life was difficult to her. It was a hard life full of anger, frustration, and work lots of work.
This is some of what I have learned from my mother. She didn’t feel worthy enough to enjoy life. To take care of herself. She did not feel like she could be a kid with her children at times because she always had to be an adult. The “to do” list was never done. This, I do not want to pass along to my children. But even now, I find that my “to do” list is never done. I have to consciously choose to get down on my knees and play and remember who I am. I am a child of God. A child of the universe. I am learning, growing and tasting life on this planet in so many new and wonderful ways each and every day.
As a child myself, my own children are asking me to re-member all of this. They are asking me to re-member who I am. I am a divine child of the universe. I am here to enjoy life. I am here to ask for help. I am here to listen to what my children have to say, to respond to their needs, and to respond to my own needs. I am here to re-member to play. To re-member how important I am. How I am just as important as anyone else on this planet and in taking care of me and going within I take care of everyone else too. When Mommy takes care of herself she is showing, demonstrating the importance of taking care of herself to her children. Yes, their needs need to be met and their needs are just as important as yours. So now when I make my children a sandwich for lunch, I make a sandwich for myself as well. We all sit down together to eat, because mommy needs to eat too. When mommy wakes up in the morning it is just as important that she takes a shower and gets dressed as it is that my children get dressed. When my children go out to play in the yard it is just as important that mommy goes out to play in the yard too. Whether I play with my children or I go out to play on my own with my girlfriends, play time is important for ALL of us. The joy of life that my children demonstrate and mirror to me I must mirror back to them.
Motherhood is a mirror for the world to see how important each one of us is. We must mirror to the world how important we are and how our needs must be met just as our children’s must be met. Re-member we are all divine child-like creatures of the universe. We have much to learn from our children if we watch and take in all that they are teaching us. They want us to re-member who we are; children of God.
So, you may be wondering, “How do we remember?” We must return to the days when we felt important. When we felt important enough to ask for what we want without hesitation. When we knew, without a doubt that it was our innate right to have what we desired. For some of us, asking for what we want came naturally up until we were in our 20’s. For others of us we have to go as far back as to when we were 2 years old or even younger. We are brought into this world knowing we are important and that our needs must be met. Somewhere in the growing up in life we learn differently. We learn to put others needs before our own. There is a balance of meeting our needs and meeting the needs of others. It is when we have this balance that we feel great about the world. This balance creates peace, joy, and harmony. Balance shows us what comes in goes out. What we are is what we see in others. Balance is created when we see in others what we are in ourselves. We are children of God. You know you are a child of God when you can see this in others.
We must continuously go within and understand who we are and learn to re-member what makes us happy. What puts a smile on your face? What delights your insides? What makes your eyes sparkle? What makes the corners of your mouth begin to turn up? What makes you want to stick out your blue tongue from sucking on a lolly pop? What makes you want to kick your heels up? What sets your sails on a boat? Answer these questions, find out what it is, and then incorporate this into your life. Start small and then bring it in more and more, little by little. Until finally it is a part of your everyday life.
But how? Here is how. 11 ways to re-member your child like divinity.
1. Ask for help because you are worthy.
2. Trust, Have no doubts, everything works out.
3. Connect with others, reconnect with yourself.
4. Return to your roots.
5. Awaken your gifts.
6. Make time for yourself (you are important).
7. Embrace who you are.
8. Love thyself.
9. Be your own Master.
10. Love life.
11. Love the universe.
I will continue to write on each of these 11 areas day to day or week to week. I may expand on some more than others. Thank you for your interest.
Pieces of the Puzzle
There is a piece to being a mother that still seems to be missing. It seems to be coming up in so many different ways. It can be a cycle of ups and downs. A roller coaster ride that can be fun and scary all at the same time. What may seem to be out of control but stays right on track. I feel that it is time to get off the ride and look at this cycle one more time. In times where I am climbing up the roller coaster hill I mostly feel plagued with doubt. It can have a stifling affect on my day to day activities. Doubt likes to take over and hang out waiting for moments to prove its existence and say, “see I told you that was going to happen.” I find that this creeps up more often when I have not been taking care of myself. A little voice inside me says that I need to take care of myself first. Then there is a bigger voice that says this is selfish and that my job is to take care of everyone else first. This is what we were taught to do. I think of my children, they have no problem asking for what they need and want. “Mommy, more milk! Mommy, more crackers. Mommy, can you do this? Mommy, help!” For them, it comes easily. They announce comfortably and without hesitation exactly what they want. It is us that becomes tired of answering there requests and tired of how they ask for their demands. We end up teaching them to not be so demanding and to ask nicely. We teach them to wait their turn and be polite. We tell them not to ask for all of this or all of that because it is too much or too greedy to want it all. We feel they are acting spoiled. There is much to learn from this. They know nothing else than that they are important and that their needs should be met. We have taught them this from birth. They cry as a baby, we pick them up and feed them, change their diaper. We play with them, wash them, and dress them. We love them. We meet their needs. They get older, we find them demanding things and we wonder how they got this way.
But listen…they are teaching us something. Look into the mirror they are holding up for you, look at the reflection of yourself. You are just as important as your child. Yes you are. Your child is reflecting back to you how you should feel about yourself. I need more milk, I need more crackers, I need help with the laundry, and I need help with the cleaning. I need support; I need to be surrounded by love and those who care about my needs too. Huh? What is she talking about? Some of you might say. My mother did all of this and now it is my turn to do all of this too. My mother took care of everything having to do with the house and children. That is just what was done. Oh really, and how did that work for her? Was she happy? Did she have time to play with you? Did you feel like you were important? Did she show you how she met her own needs? Did she ever take care of herself? Did she ever get sick? Did she enjoy life? Did she look around and take in all that life has to offer? Did she listen to the rain, admire the flowers, hug the trees, awe at the sky, and reach up to the stars? Did she love life? Did she truly and honestly love life? Did she pass along to you how truly beautiful life is and all the glory that life has to offer? Did you watch bugs crawl across street cracks together? Did she ever look at each petal of a flower with you and see how truly miraculous and different each one is? Did she snuggle under a blanket and hold you and create beautiful stories at night time together? Did she ever take her hands and dig them into a gallon of ice cream and slop it in her mouth just for the fun of it? Did she ever be a kid with you? Did she ever enjoy life?
For me, my mom did not do this. She was busy. Busy, busy, busy. Always doing something. Doing, doing, and doing. She was doing the laundry, cooking dinner, dusting, going to work, or crying. Crying because her husband was an alcoholic and was coming home drunk again after riding the commuter train home from work. She was using her words to verbally pick fights out of her frustration over his incompetence and irresponsibility. And then she would be physically attacked by an uncontrollable man full of rage, fear, and frustration. In her mind she had to protect her children from this man and attack him with words in hopes he would stop drinking. But this always failed. He would retaliate with his fists. So my mom never had fun. She felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. She felt alone, very alone and desperate with her situation. She felt as if she should talk to no one because after all this was embarrassing. Her marriage was a failure and she was failing her children. Eventually. All of this got the best of her and she became ill. She fought her sickness (cancer) for awhile. Always looking for answers, hoping. She gave a good fight. But deep within her cells she was tired and really ready to let go. Once she new her children would be o.k. she let go and finally surrendered. Life was difficult to her. It was a hard life full of anger, frustration, and work lots of work.
This is some of what I have learned from my mother. She didn’t feel worthy enough to enjoy life. To take care of herself. She did not feel like she could be a kid with her children at times because she always had to be an adult. The “to do” list was never done. This, I do not want to pass along to my children. But even now, I find that my “to do” list is never done. I have to consciously choose to get down on my knees and play and remember who I am. I am a child of God. A child of the universe. I am learning, growing and tasting life on this planet in so many new and wonderful ways each and every day.
As a child myself, my own children are asking me to re-member all of this. They are asking me to re-member who I am. I am a divine child of the universe. I am here to enjoy life. I am here to ask for help. I am here to listen to what my children have to say, to respond to their needs, and to respond to my own needs. I am here to re-member to play. To re-member how important I am. How I am just as important as anyone else on this planet and in taking care of me and going within I take care of everyone else too. When Mommy takes care of herself she is showing, demonstrating the importance of taking care of herself to her children. Yes, their needs need to be met and their needs are just as important as yours. So now when I make my children a sandwich for lunch, I make a sandwich for myself as well. We all sit down together to eat, because mommy needs to eat too. When mommy wakes up in the morning it is just as important that she takes a shower and gets dressed as it is that my children get dressed. When my children go out to play in the yard it is just as important that mommy goes out to play in the yard too. Whether I play with my children or I go out to play on my own with my girlfriends, play time is important for ALL of us. The joy of life that my children demonstrate and mirror to me I must mirror back to them.
Motherhood is a mirror for the world to see how important each one of us is. We must mirror to the world how important we are and how our needs must be met just as our children’s must be met. Re-member we are all divine child-like creatures of the universe. We have much to learn from our children if we watch and take in all that they are teaching us. They want us to re-member who we are; children of God.
So, you may be wondering, “How do we remember?” We must return to the days when we felt important. When we felt important enough to ask for what we want without hesitation. When we knew, without a doubt that it was our innate right to have what we desired. For some of us, asking for what we want came naturally up until we were in our 20’s. For others of us we have to go as far back as to when we were 2 years old or even younger. We are brought into this world knowing we are important and that our needs must be met. Somewhere in the growing up in life we learn differently. We learn to put others needs before our own. There is a balance of meeting our needs and meeting the needs of others. It is when we have this balance that we feel great about the world. This balance creates peace, joy, and harmony. Balance shows us what comes in goes out. What we are is what we see in others. Balance is created when we see in others what we are in ourselves. We are children of God. You know you are a child of God when you can see this in others.
We must continuously go within and understand who we are and learn to re-member what makes us happy. What puts a smile on your face? What delights your insides? What makes your eyes sparkle? What makes the corners of your mouth begin to turn up? What makes you want to stick out your blue tongue from sucking on a lolly pop? What makes you want to kick your heels up? What sets your sails on a boat? Answer these questions, find out what it is, and then incorporate this into your life. Start small and then bring it in more and more, little by little. Until finally it is a part of your everyday life.
But how? Here is how. 11 ways to re-member your child like divinity.
1. Ask for help because you are worthy.
2. Trust, Have no doubts, everything works out.
3. Connect with others, reconnect with yourself.
4. Return to your roots.
5. Awaken your gifts.
6. Make time for yourself (you are important).
7. Embrace who you are.
8. Love thyself.
9. Be your own Master.
10. Love life.
11. Love the universe.
I will continue to write on each of these 11 areas day to day or week to week. I may expand on some more than others. Thank you for your interest.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Time to Relax, Refresh, and Revive
My oldest son, Ethan, came home from school yesterday with different clothes on than when he went to school. When he left for school that morning he had khaki shorts on with a faded red "Ren and Stimpy" shirt. When I came to pick him up at the bus stop he was wearing khaki shorts that were 2x too big and a huge red t shirt that were both falling off his little body. As I was taking his arm crutches to help him down from the steps I asked him why he had different clothes on and he hushed me and said, "I'll tell you in the car." I knew then that he must have had "an accident" at school. This is a touchy situation for Ethan. He is still not potty trained and wears pull ups to school every day. He has a wonderful helper at school who faithfully reminds Ethan when it is "potty time" every day at set times throughout his school day. We are not sure what Ethan can feel and if he can feel anything. The Doctors do not have allot of faith in him developing this skill but something inside me believes that miracles never cease and that this is one of many miracles that Ethan is having.
When Ethan told me what happened at school he didn't have to say much until I knew it was diarrhea. You see, the clothes he had worn home were now filled with diarrhea as well and we would be spending the rest of the evening taking a bath and changing pull ups as the diarrhea came and went. Actually this became a family event. All three kids got to take an early bath and had a dairy free dinner of toast and dry honey nut cheerios with some water. Mmmm, Mmmm. Ethan never really told me the whole story and he made it very clear he did not want to go to school the next day. It wasn't until later that I would learn from one of his teachers that Ethan's diarrhea actually became a seen with all the kids and he was very embarrassed and crying. It happened at the end of the day and they had just barely made it on the bus to go home. In my mind I can think of a hundred reasons why this was a blessing in disguise but it still doesn't take away the pain of him going through such embarrassment and the pain of wondering when is this miracle bowel and bladder control going to happen? And then I think for a moment...this is what faith is all about...believing in something you can not see or touch but believing in something you feel inside. You see, I have always felt so strongly about Ethan and his ability to walk even though we were told to get a wheel chair and forget about it. And look at him, he walks FAST with red forearm crutches and the kid showed me just the other day that he can stand for at least 60 seconds with out any support. He was so proud of himself he said, "Look Mom! I didn't know I could do that! As he stood in the middle of the bathroom with out holding onto anything with a huge electrifying smile on his face.
We spend allot of time in the bathroom these days trying and trying to figure out the best routine and plan to help Ethan figure out bathroom independence until the miracle comes. Some people may think we are crazy searching for a miracle. But you see, we are not searching. The miracle is right here in this present moment in the learning that is going on along this journey that we are taking. I believe that the people and series of coincidences will come when the time is right for Ethan to gain control. Up until then it is all about the journey and the path that we are all on together. So many people learned an incredible lesson for themselves yesterday when Ethan had his accident. For some, it may have been patience and compassion in a time of crisis to help a little boy and for others it may have been the importance of helping our peers when they need help and for another it may have been the opportunity to open up and let someone help him and take his hand and tell him that it was going to be ok and that we are all here to help if you just let us in. You see, I truly believe that Ethan had a lesson in what happened yesterday...a truly great lesson. It was another opportunity for him to let down his walls and let others in to help him and that being different is the greatest gift of all. Because in our differences we learn from each other about peace, joy, harmony, and love. Diversity and unity are synonymous. In our diversity we are unified. We come together to help each other out and nourish each other.
I know that one day Ethan will have the control over his bowel and bladder systems and until then we will ride the waves of ups and downs that teach us every step of the way. So , I want to thank all the marvelous teachers and students at his school that were a part of his journey and a part of his healing yesterday and today. And I was blessed with having Ethan home from school today to spend some extra quality time with him. He went to his little brothers preschool for an end of the year ice cream party (I brought dairy free ice cream for Ethan), he played on the playground with all of his brother's friends, used the potty at his brother's school (diarrhea free), we ate vending machine snacks outside in the blessed sunny day, and then now the two brothers are watching a Nick Jr. show while Eleanor takes a nap and we soon get ready to go to Physical Therapy. It has been a healing day for all of us and actually a relief for me. I can actually see all 4 of us having a great summer together!
So thank you Ethan, once again, for another incredible lesson and thank you for the beautiful healing day for all of us. Ethan, I know that this too shall pass and that mountains will be moved for you.
Love you, Mom
When Ethan told me what happened at school he didn't have to say much until I knew it was diarrhea. You see, the clothes he had worn home were now filled with diarrhea as well and we would be spending the rest of the evening taking a bath and changing pull ups as the diarrhea came and went. Actually this became a family event. All three kids got to take an early bath and had a dairy free dinner of toast and dry honey nut cheerios with some water. Mmmm, Mmmm. Ethan never really told me the whole story and he made it very clear he did not want to go to school the next day. It wasn't until later that I would learn from one of his teachers that Ethan's diarrhea actually became a seen with all the kids and he was very embarrassed and crying. It happened at the end of the day and they had just barely made it on the bus to go home. In my mind I can think of a hundred reasons why this was a blessing in disguise but it still doesn't take away the pain of him going through such embarrassment and the pain of wondering when is this miracle bowel and bladder control going to happen? And then I think for a moment...this is what faith is all about...believing in something you can not see or touch but believing in something you feel inside. You see, I have always felt so strongly about Ethan and his ability to walk even though we were told to get a wheel chair and forget about it. And look at him, he walks FAST with red forearm crutches and the kid showed me just the other day that he can stand for at least 60 seconds with out any support. He was so proud of himself he said, "Look Mom! I didn't know I could do that! As he stood in the middle of the bathroom with out holding onto anything with a huge electrifying smile on his face.
We spend allot of time in the bathroom these days trying and trying to figure out the best routine and plan to help Ethan figure out bathroom independence until the miracle comes. Some people may think we are crazy searching for a miracle. But you see, we are not searching. The miracle is right here in this present moment in the learning that is going on along this journey that we are taking. I believe that the people and series of coincidences will come when the time is right for Ethan to gain control. Up until then it is all about the journey and the path that we are all on together. So many people learned an incredible lesson for themselves yesterday when Ethan had his accident. For some, it may have been patience and compassion in a time of crisis to help a little boy and for others it may have been the importance of helping our peers when they need help and for another it may have been the opportunity to open up and let someone help him and take his hand and tell him that it was going to be ok and that we are all here to help if you just let us in. You see, I truly believe that Ethan had a lesson in what happened yesterday...a truly great lesson. It was another opportunity for him to let down his walls and let others in to help him and that being different is the greatest gift of all. Because in our differences we learn from each other about peace, joy, harmony, and love. Diversity and unity are synonymous. In our diversity we are unified. We come together to help each other out and nourish each other.
I know that one day Ethan will have the control over his bowel and bladder systems and until then we will ride the waves of ups and downs that teach us every step of the way. So , I want to thank all the marvelous teachers and students at his school that were a part of his journey and a part of his healing yesterday and today. And I was blessed with having Ethan home from school today to spend some extra quality time with him. He went to his little brothers preschool for an end of the year ice cream party (I brought dairy free ice cream for Ethan), he played on the playground with all of his brother's friends, used the potty at his brother's school (diarrhea free), we ate vending machine snacks outside in the blessed sunny day, and then now the two brothers are watching a Nick Jr. show while Eleanor takes a nap and we soon get ready to go to Physical Therapy. It has been a healing day for all of us and actually a relief for me. I can actually see all 4 of us having a great summer together!
So thank you Ethan, once again, for another incredible lesson and thank you for the beautiful healing day for all of us. Ethan, I know that this too shall pass and that mountains will be moved for you.
Love you, Mom
Monday, June 4, 2007
Healing Old Wounds
This past month I took some time off. Some time off to go within and work on some severely severed parts of me. I had found that in so many ways I had fallen and I could not get up. My energy had vanished. With each part of myself that I looked at deeper I kept finding so many coping skills that I have learned to use over the years to help me get on with life. Once I looked at what I used to cover up the sores, in hopes of just moving on and it would just go away, I had to examine what was really going on underneath the band aides. There were so many old wounds that I just covered up. Old memories, old hurts, old pains from my past that were eating at my very existence that I just managed in hopes they would just disappear. But what I learned is that these wounds, like war wounds, don't just go away. They don't just scab over and then eventually vanish. They have to be looked at, embraced, loved, felt, and then let go. I was forced to surrender this past month and I feel that I am finally coming out of the darkness that I had to go into in order to see the light.
My energy had dwindled to almost nothing. Like so many times in my life before I had much difficulty getting up in the morning and it seemed like there was no end to the terrible weakness I felt. My mood swings were at an all time high and my anxiety and stress was sky rocketing. But this time, I have no excuses like being pregnant or having a new born or not taking care of myself. I do take care of myself, so I thought. I ate right (lots of vegetables, fruits, and whole grains), I slept about 7 hours a night, and ran about 15-20 miles per week. I was in great shape! So I thought. My emotional being was never quite in shape. I was still edgy and anxious around my children and could not understand why. I took all the latest supplements...omega 3's, calcium, magnesium, vitamin D, etc. But I was still stressed out and far from calm.
To make a long story short, through a series of coincidences I finally realise that these past six years of searching for answers about my son, born with spina bifida, all comes down to searching for answers about myself. The past six years has been a calling back to who I am and where I come from and now with the last couple of months being incredibly draining where I can no longer get myself motivated through out my day, I have finally been given another light to look to. Another chance to learn exactly who I am and what my purpose is on this Earth. This is what I wish to share with you over the next couple of weeks or months or however long it takes me to tell my story. But I now know that the daily trials that happen in my life are just a calling back to who I am and where I cam from. Who and what the hell is this woman talking about? You might ask. Or you might even think I have finally fell off my rocker. But no, I assure you I have not. I have finally realised that every day I live is a blessing and every day is a return back to the creator in every interaction I have and every action I make. So I am going to write about this with the final understanding of what this is all about. I have said before that our children are our greatest teachers. This is true but also in that we ALL are our greatest teachers to each other and in that is the greatest teacher of all letting us make our choices and finding our way back to who we are, perfect loving divine beings of light.
So, I continue to rest up and gain my energy back. In my healing, which is what I wish to share with you, I hope to be reminded and renewed all that I already know deep within me. It is taking the time to go within and tap into all that we already know that is so important and so energizing to all of us. I have my power to do this now, I didn't before. And now I have the light within me to see all the grand miracles bestowed on us daily. So I will remember to share all my miracles with you that I ask for in each moment of every day if you remember to remind yourself daily what an incredible miracle you are.
All my love and light to you,
Jennifer
My energy had dwindled to almost nothing. Like so many times in my life before I had much difficulty getting up in the morning and it seemed like there was no end to the terrible weakness I felt. My mood swings were at an all time high and my anxiety and stress was sky rocketing. But this time, I have no excuses like being pregnant or having a new born or not taking care of myself. I do take care of myself, so I thought. I ate right (lots of vegetables, fruits, and whole grains), I slept about 7 hours a night, and ran about 15-20 miles per week. I was in great shape! So I thought. My emotional being was never quite in shape. I was still edgy and anxious around my children and could not understand why. I took all the latest supplements...omega 3's, calcium, magnesium, vitamin D, etc. But I was still stressed out and far from calm.
To make a long story short, through a series of coincidences I finally realise that these past six years of searching for answers about my son, born with spina bifida, all comes down to searching for answers about myself. The past six years has been a calling back to who I am and where I come from and now with the last couple of months being incredibly draining where I can no longer get myself motivated through out my day, I have finally been given another light to look to. Another chance to learn exactly who I am and what my purpose is on this Earth. This is what I wish to share with you over the next couple of weeks or months or however long it takes me to tell my story. But I now know that the daily trials that happen in my life are just a calling back to who I am and where I cam from. Who and what the hell is this woman talking about? You might ask. Or you might even think I have finally fell off my rocker. But no, I assure you I have not. I have finally realised that every day I live is a blessing and every day is a return back to the creator in every interaction I have and every action I make. So I am going to write about this with the final understanding of what this is all about. I have said before that our children are our greatest teachers. This is true but also in that we ALL are our greatest teachers to each other and in that is the greatest teacher of all letting us make our choices and finding our way back to who we are, perfect loving divine beings of light.
So, I continue to rest up and gain my energy back. In my healing, which is what I wish to share with you, I hope to be reminded and renewed all that I already know deep within me. It is taking the time to go within and tap into all that we already know that is so important and so energizing to all of us. I have my power to do this now, I didn't before. And now I have the light within me to see all the grand miracles bestowed on us daily. So I will remember to share all my miracles with you that I ask for in each moment of every day if you remember to remind yourself daily what an incredible miracle you are.
All my love and light to you,
Jennifer
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Gratitude
Once again, another incredible lesson came to me yesterday. My friend, Kaz Mammon, who is orchestrating the Harley motorbike ride event on May 19th to raise money for the Fowler Center for Special Needs Children, did another nice thing for our family. He wanted to have Ethan take pictures for another newspaper interview. Now Ethan is very excited about the event coming up on the 19th. He completely understands the reason for this fundraiser now that he has had two picture sessions for the press. You should have seen this kid ham it up for the camera. He gave his simple smile look as well as his ever so serious look for the many, many pictures that were taken. He was so proud to sit up on that huge Harley bike and then stand next to the bike that is at least 5 times his size. He knows exactly why we are doing this, to raise the money needed to build an awesome center for these most deserving kids. 100% of the money raised will go to the camp.
It was clearly invigorating for this 48 pound kid to sit on top of that huge Harley. There was a sense of pride and an "I am important" attitude that filled him up completely. And then when we were all done all he wanted to do was go play with his brother on the playground in the park next to us. I have never seen him get up and down off the jungle gym, merry go round, and see saw so fast and so independently before in his short life. I remember days of the past when Ethan would scream and yell with fear over trying anything new. He would either refuse to climb anything or he would throw a tantrum until I was right there next to him lifting him from one place to the next. Today, Ethan was miraculously running all over the place occasionally asking for help to hold his arm crutches or lift his leg over a bar. A piece of me didn't know what to do with myself now that I didn't have to help Ethan all the time and then another piece of me reminded me that I needed to enjoy and savor this moment. So, I joined in on the fun, spinning them super fast on the merry go round, see sawing up and down on the see saw, and encouraging them to jump and slide on the playground. And then there was little Eleanor laughing and giggling as she watched everyone having fun. She had fun too swinging back and forth in the bucket swings.
Just think, we would have missed out on this glorious day of fun and play if I didn't have to pull Ethan out of school early to go take pictures for the newspaper. Then to top it all off Kaz thanked us with two pizzas to take home for dinner. It is we who should have done the thank yous. So here I am, thanking you, Kaz, for asking us to be a part of this event. It has been nothing but a blessing and we look forward to May 19th when we get to go for a Harley ride for these kids that deserve it at the Fowler Center.
Please go to http://www.mamonride.com/ for more information on the fundraising event for the Fowler Center Camp for Special Needs Children.
You can also go to http://thefowlercenter.org/aboutus.shtml for more information about the Fowler Center Camp for Special Needs Children. It is a very informative and eye opening web site.
It was clearly invigorating for this 48 pound kid to sit on top of that huge Harley. There was a sense of pride and an "I am important" attitude that filled him up completely. And then when we were all done all he wanted to do was go play with his brother on the playground in the park next to us. I have never seen him get up and down off the jungle gym, merry go round, and see saw so fast and so independently before in his short life. I remember days of the past when Ethan would scream and yell with fear over trying anything new. He would either refuse to climb anything or he would throw a tantrum until I was right there next to him lifting him from one place to the next. Today, Ethan was miraculously running all over the place occasionally asking for help to hold his arm crutches or lift his leg over a bar. A piece of me didn't know what to do with myself now that I didn't have to help Ethan all the time and then another piece of me reminded me that I needed to enjoy and savor this moment. So, I joined in on the fun, spinning them super fast on the merry go round, see sawing up and down on the see saw, and encouraging them to jump and slide on the playground. And then there was little Eleanor laughing and giggling as she watched everyone having fun. She had fun too swinging back and forth in the bucket swings.
Just think, we would have missed out on this glorious day of fun and play if I didn't have to pull Ethan out of school early to go take pictures for the newspaper. Then to top it all off Kaz thanked us with two pizzas to take home for dinner. It is we who should have done the thank yous. So here I am, thanking you, Kaz, for asking us to be a part of this event. It has been nothing but a blessing and we look forward to May 19th when we get to go for a Harley ride for these kids that deserve it at the Fowler Center.
Please go to http://www.mamonride.com/ for more information on the fundraising event for the Fowler Center Camp for Special Needs Children.
You can also go to http://thefowlercenter.org/aboutus.shtml for more information about the Fowler Center Camp for Special Needs Children. It is a very informative and eye opening web site.
Unity and Diversity
It has never been more clear to me the past two days how necessary it is for us to have relationships with all kinds of people. Connecting with others is so incredibly important for our well being. We are humans. We are designed to connect with others. To breathe, to feel, to honor each other's emotions, and connect on all levels. I read an article on unity and diversity the other day. It talks about how important it is for all of us to be different in our own ways and unify at the same time. And that many of us think that unity and diversity are polar opposites. Many of feel that in order for us to unify we must be similar in thought and idea. And to diversify is to accept differences but we do not think of putting the two together.
Ethan, my oldest son with Spina Bifida, taught me about this magical concept first hand the other day. Just recently he was given new leg braces and a twister strap to keep his right leg form turning to the side when he walks. The leg braces we have been used to because Ethan has needed a new pair almost every 6 months from the time he was 2 years old. But the twister strap is a fairly new concept designed to help him integrate his muscles more efficiently for walking. The strap is made out of flexible, strong, 1 1/2" wide fabric that buckles at his waist and then continues to wind down and wrap around his right leg like a candy cane and attaches to the velcro on the top of his shoe. It has resistance in order to pull his foot into a straight forward position. Ethan tends to walk with his right foot to the side and this strap will help train the muscles in his leg to move correctly. He must wear this all the time and part of doing this is going to school with this twisty thing on. Mind you he is in elementary school and my first thought, as well as my husbands, was what are the kids at school going to say to Ethan. Are they going to make fun of him and it would break my heart to find out that kids did make fun of him. We encouraged Ethan to wear the strap underneath his clothes and not over the top of his clothes but he would not have anything to do with this. He has insisted on wearing it on the outside of his clothes purposely for everyone to see it. To my amazement he was damn proud of his twister strap and eager to wear it to school. I was the one who had a problem with his differences. We are unified in our diversity. Ethan told me he would have no problem going to school and answering all the questions that might come up from his friends. We role played what to say and he quickly came up with honest and strong minded answers. "What is that thing?" I would say. "That's my twister strap," Ethan quickly responded. "What's a twister strap?" I asked. "It helps to keep my leg straight when I walk," he confidently responded. "What do you need that for? Is your leg broken?" I asked with an attitude. "Nooooo, I need it just for now until I can do it on my own," Ethan replied assured. I was astonished at the amount of enthusiasm and sass he had about who he was and what he needed to do to make this work. He knows to a certain degree that he is different from everyone else and he is not shy about making everyone see that at the same time our differences bring us all together and help us to unify. These kids readily accept my son Ethan at his school because he's got the attitude that he is different and astoundingly awesome that he is so different. We just have to let go of our predisposed attitudes as adults and always ask our selves why not and who says we can't be unified and different at the same time. We all may be different in so many remarkable ways but it is so important to see these differences as gifts to learn by from each other to help us grow and be more open to our own healing and change that happens within us when we do. We need to have compassion for each other and help each other out and at the same time accept each other for where we are and what we are doing in this very moment. Ethan has reminded me of this once again. Thanks buddy, your awesome!
Ethan, my oldest son with Spina Bifida, taught me about this magical concept first hand the other day. Just recently he was given new leg braces and a twister strap to keep his right leg form turning to the side when he walks. The leg braces we have been used to because Ethan has needed a new pair almost every 6 months from the time he was 2 years old. But the twister strap is a fairly new concept designed to help him integrate his muscles more efficiently for walking. The strap is made out of flexible, strong, 1 1/2" wide fabric that buckles at his waist and then continues to wind down and wrap around his right leg like a candy cane and attaches to the velcro on the top of his shoe. It has resistance in order to pull his foot into a straight forward position. Ethan tends to walk with his right foot to the side and this strap will help train the muscles in his leg to move correctly. He must wear this all the time and part of doing this is going to school with this twisty thing on. Mind you he is in elementary school and my first thought, as well as my husbands, was what are the kids at school going to say to Ethan. Are they going to make fun of him and it would break my heart to find out that kids did make fun of him. We encouraged Ethan to wear the strap underneath his clothes and not over the top of his clothes but he would not have anything to do with this. He has insisted on wearing it on the outside of his clothes purposely for everyone to see it. To my amazement he was damn proud of his twister strap and eager to wear it to school. I was the one who had a problem with his differences. We are unified in our diversity. Ethan told me he would have no problem going to school and answering all the questions that might come up from his friends. We role played what to say and he quickly came up with honest and strong minded answers. "What is that thing?" I would say. "That's my twister strap," Ethan quickly responded. "What's a twister strap?" I asked. "It helps to keep my leg straight when I walk," he confidently responded. "What do you need that for? Is your leg broken?" I asked with an attitude. "Nooooo, I need it just for now until I can do it on my own," Ethan replied assured. I was astonished at the amount of enthusiasm and sass he had about who he was and what he needed to do to make this work. He knows to a certain degree that he is different from everyone else and he is not shy about making everyone see that at the same time our differences bring us all together and help us to unify. These kids readily accept my son Ethan at his school because he's got the attitude that he is different and astoundingly awesome that he is so different. We just have to let go of our predisposed attitudes as adults and always ask our selves why not and who says we can't be unified and different at the same time. We all may be different in so many remarkable ways but it is so important to see these differences as gifts to learn by from each other to help us grow and be more open to our own healing and change that happens within us when we do. We need to have compassion for each other and help each other out and at the same time accept each other for where we are and what we are doing in this very moment. Ethan has reminded me of this once again. Thanks buddy, your awesome!
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Thoughts for the day
All you are today is what you are in this moment. Don't let the waves of your past crash down on who you are today.
Feel your feelings and embrace all of who you are. Resolve to love all of you.
Live each day as if it were your last.
See the light in your children's eyes and let that give you inspiration.
Be peace and have hope.
Surrender and let go.
What matters is this very moment.
Feel your feelings and embrace all of who you are. Resolve to love all of you.
Live each day as if it were your last.
See the light in your children's eyes and let that give you inspiration.
Be peace and have hope.
Surrender and let go.
What matters is this very moment.
Monday, May 7, 2007
The Weekend
I'd like to bring up something that bothers me every month. PMS. Since I have been writing and taking time to pull my thoughts together on paper. I have noticed a pattern. Just about two weeks or 12-14 days out of every month I struggle with the same patterns of anxiety, frustration, and anger. I notice that the little things that do not usually bother me, like spilled milk and pee on the bathroom floor, become huge events that send me into a tail spin. I am not blaming the symptoms on PMS nor am I making excuses for my outrageous behavior. I am simply making a link to a pattern that I have noticed. I have to believe that there is a reason for going through these cycles and becoming overloaded at times. I would like the answers to many of the questions that remain on the front of my brain. Are these cycles of peace, fear, and rage, at the same intervals each month, asking me to go within and come up with the answers myself? Maybe. I feel that we go through these hormonal shifts for a much higher reason. One of my questions is how can I harness and use this energy to propel me to another level of awareness and womanly divinity? I know that the next 14 days starting on Saturday will be easier and more manageable. It is the 14 days that comes after when PMS begins that I worry. It is during these times that I am uptight and completely besides myself. My rage and patience tips and I very easily become out of control. On the other hand, when it all comes down and menstruation has ceased I come back to myself with a new sense of awareness that takes me to another level of higher reason, love, peace, and honesty. I begin to know and understand myself even better that before. So I contemplate the idea that I NEED these cycles. I NEED to feel them and go through them with a new sense of honesty and awareness each time they happen and learn something else about me and my family each time. Because each time I go through them I learn something new and meaningful. And once I learn something new I can go back and try something new to help the situation for when it happens again. Everything has change and everything can be created to how or what you like it is just more difficult when you have a clouded state of mind. When the clouds pass I can look back and clearly see what I can do differently for the next time.
Some ideas for the next cycle:
1. I can pay attention to diet recommendations for women and PMS.
2. Include supplements in my diet to help with the hormonal shifts.
3. Keep a log of my emotional changes and eating habits especially as I get closer to the 12-14 days where I have the most trouble.
4. I can plan to surround myself with support like using babysitters more frequently during those weeks, going out and having more alone time with my husband, spending time to relax and meditate more, get together with friends for play dates or for dinner, and plan kids activities so that we are out doing things with other people more frequently.
5. Surround myself with inspirational quotes in my house, listening to peaceful music through out my days, and lighting candles.
6. Spend extra time planning ahead the weeks prior two PMS so that I know I have the support and reminders I need to get through my days peacefully and supported.
So know that I am open to all of these new ideas I think it is very important for me to start looking into these things NOW so that when I come around into another"dark night of the soul" I can pull upon all of these resources. Having resources is key. I need to be able to have a safe place where I can call on someone or something to help me get through the darker sides of my life until I can get back into the inspirational parts again. The first step is planning ahead to figure out what you can do to make this work and as you try new things you start making a resource file on what does and does not work so that eventually you build a support system for that time of the month. Therefore you can pull out what you need whenever you need it. This takes the willingness to get to know yourself and the time to try out different strategies. It takes going within to find out exactly what is right for you because we are all unique on what we need. These past two weeks of PMS have taken me to a new and deeper level of awareness. I am thankful for this. In knowing who I am at a deeper and deeper level, this new knowledge I have is taking me to a new level of awareness, power, and peace. Knowledge is power and harnessing and using the knowledge to promote peace from within promotes a powerful force of love that can heal anything. This is the honorable and true meaning of a woman's cycle. It is a calling and an honor to go within and know who you are on all levels. The more I understand and know me, the deeper I go, the more I realize I can do anything. It is a powerful peace and a peaceful power to know yourself completely.
Some ideas for the next cycle:
1. I can pay attention to diet recommendations for women and PMS.
2. Include supplements in my diet to help with the hormonal shifts.
3. Keep a log of my emotional changes and eating habits especially as I get closer to the 12-14 days where I have the most trouble.
4. I can plan to surround myself with support like using babysitters more frequently during those weeks, going out and having more alone time with my husband, spending time to relax and meditate more, get together with friends for play dates or for dinner, and plan kids activities so that we are out doing things with other people more frequently.
5. Surround myself with inspirational quotes in my house, listening to peaceful music through out my days, and lighting candles.
6. Spend extra time planning ahead the weeks prior two PMS so that I know I have the support and reminders I need to get through my days peacefully and supported.
So know that I am open to all of these new ideas I think it is very important for me to start looking into these things NOW so that when I come around into another"dark night of the soul" I can pull upon all of these resources. Having resources is key. I need to be able to have a safe place where I can call on someone or something to help me get through the darker sides of my life until I can get back into the inspirational parts again. The first step is planning ahead to figure out what you can do to make this work and as you try new things you start making a resource file on what does and does not work so that eventually you build a support system for that time of the month. Therefore you can pull out what you need whenever you need it. This takes the willingness to get to know yourself and the time to try out different strategies. It takes going within to find out exactly what is right for you because we are all unique on what we need. These past two weeks of PMS have taken me to a new and deeper level of awareness. I am thankful for this. In knowing who I am at a deeper and deeper level, this new knowledge I have is taking me to a new level of awareness, power, and peace. Knowledge is power and harnessing and using the knowledge to promote peace from within promotes a powerful force of love that can heal anything. This is the honorable and true meaning of a woman's cycle. It is a calling and an honor to go within and know who you are on all levels. The more I understand and know me, the deeper I go, the more I realize I can do anything. It is a powerful peace and a peaceful power to know yourself completely.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Part II Miracles
L...O...V...E... L...O...V...E... L...O...V...E...
My mantra for today is L...O...V...E...
Since I have trouble feeling it all the time I am going to spell it out every time I feel myself 'slipping' into old patterns and L...O...V...E... will bring me back.
"It's just another ordinary miracle today." Theme song from Charlotte's Web
My mantra for today is L...O...V...E...
Since I have trouble feeling it all the time I am going to spell it out every time I feel myself 'slipping' into old patterns and L...O...V...E... will bring me back.
"It's just another ordinary miracle today." Theme song from Charlotte's Web
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
My Miracle
I asked for a miracle and that is exactly what happened. Tonight at 4:00 I received a phone call from a man named Kaz who does motor bike rides to raise money for kids with special needs. He met us once in a parking lot and tracked us down to find out how I could get Ethan to a place in MI for an interview with a newspaper on publicizing a ride that they are having to raise money for Camp Fowler, a camp especially for special needs children. Kaz called me on my cell phone while I was in my car driving all three of my kids to Ethan's physical therapy appointment. He wanted me to meet him about 45 minutes away at 5:30 to do an interview and he wanted to have Ethan their because he remembered how brilliant he seemed. He wants him to go on the 65 mile motor bike ride to raise money and he wants to send him to camp for free. I started to cry on the phone. The incredible gesture of love and sheer brilliance coming from this man struck me and made me want to release any last feelings of doubt or depression about my day and our situation. Someone once said to me, "Just when you think you have it rough someone comes along and makes it all very clear to you that you appreciate where you are and all that you have." Kaz did this for me today. In the midst of my hazy state of fog along comes this brilliant man to brighten our day. And you know what I said? In the midst of my fog I said, "Wow, I have mac-n-cheese in the oven for dinner that I have to get out or my house is going to catch on fire before we can get home in time." Kaz politely responded, "So call someone to get the mac-n-cheese out and come meet us." "Oh, yeah", I said, "I'll do that." With that, I called my husband left a long message pleading with him to meet me at therapy to pick up my other two kids take them home and turn off the oven while I drove Ethan to the interview. Few! It all worked out, of course. Kaz, Ethan and I met with the newspaper reporter and they took pictures to advertise for the event. Throughout this whole ordeal I remembered something I had forgotten...TO JUST HAVE FUN. Through all the lists of have to dos, should dos, could have done, and would have done I forgot what life was really about. Through all the anxiety and worry about daily life stresses I forgot what was really important. Us, each other, you and I, all of us. We are all important. The only thing that is important is to love each other and live life with peace and joy. And here we go again, another day and another lesson learned.
(Links to Kaz's website are above at Mammon Ride for Children)
(Links to Kaz's website are above at Mammon Ride for Children)
Part II of Our Children, Our Greatest Teachers
I sit here with a box of tissues next to me. I have said this before and I will say it again, our children are our greatest teachers. Ethan is mine. He is teaching me fearlessly and tirelessly. This has been a tough week for us. Mainly for me. I sit and write as my heart aches and he is sitting at school smiling and laughing. I know this because I emailed his teacher to check in on him at school. I am relieved he is at school and away from home.
My heart aches because we had another one of those mornings. Another morning where he doesn't want to do his work and another morning where I get upset because he doesn't want to do his work. I think we try to accomplish too much in the morning and I should have stopped at the word cards. We should have stopped and been excited about our successes. Instead, I had him go further and read a book which usually is not a big deal. But this time it was a new book and tougher to get through the first time. The mom in me should have figured that we should wait and do it later when we had more time but I kept pushing him and he kept pushing right back. My patience is short and I snapped. I immediately scolded him for not listening to me, cut the time short and decided to take away his privileges. How cool was that? Not cool at all. It's like I have this ticking time bomb inside of me and the minute I can't take it any more I explode. Ethan does exactly what he does best...he decides what he is going to do and nothing can change his mind. I do what I have been taught time and time again, that being a bully is how you get your kids to listen. You see, I grew up in an abusive family with an alcoholic father. Yelling and screaming and bullying your kids into listening was the norm in our house. You never knew when the next threat or hit would be coming. Not to mention my mom had cancer and died when I was 16 and my brother became schizophrenic shortly after. I'm not asking for your sympathy here I'm just trying to give you a little back ground before I lead up to my next idea.
After having some time to think about what happened this morning and about a dozen snotty tissues later I realised something. I am creating the same traumatic environment I grew up with when I was little. Every time I loose my temper I am creating the same atmosphere of fear and anxiety I grew up with. It is a cycle that has gone on for generations. I have generations of abused women in my family who not only were abused but did the abusing to others as well. My father's mom was abusive which lead to my father abusing my childhood and my mother's side of the family was the abused which lead to my mother being abused by my father. It has been passed around by both sides of my family from one generation to the next. Centuries of abuse and the abused from grandmothers to grandfathers, aunts to uncles. Now, I am doing it to my kids. Ethan cowers when I yell and becomes very afraid and then finally listens to his mom the bully. Aiden hides out and then decides to do things to please me in hopes that I won't be so mad anymore. Luckily, Eleanor has only seen me yell a couple of times and I am determined to kick this disease. I have realised that with the help of family, friends, and professional help that I can do this. But this is why I am so upset this morning...I know I can do this but I screwed up AGAIN. I yelled and I exploded. I did not take time to breath, count, feel the anger pass, and decide that their is another way. Their is an easier way. Their is a way of letting go...I have shared this image before and here it is again...I pray that I will have the strength and the courage to go on and finally become a divine mother. I am sorry again as I feel the feelings of generations of abuse go straight through my body and into my heart. I am doing this for you, for me, for generations of women, and mostly for my children who deserve more. I am conscious of this and I know that healing is possible and that miracles are possible. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. Here is my angel story...
Today, I am a mom, a mom not feeling all together. The feelings come and go but today and the past couple of days they have been particularly strong. The worries and the fears come up time and time again. Like a witches brew and her pot is bubbling over with snakes, and snails and puppy dog' s tails. My pot is full, bubbling over, and I fear it will explode. I do the things I know that will help me contain this brew from bursting. I reach out for help, I talk to others, I take time for myself, I meditate, I exercise, I write, but I still can not control it. I am surrounded by uncontrollable factors in my life and it is far more than I can handle. I am being guided and reminded to let go, but something inside me keeps pulling me in the wrong direction. It is as if I am stuck in a black hole and no matter how hard I try to scrape myself out I can't get myself out. I'm afraid, I don't want to fall, I don't want to fail. But I can't hold on any longer, my arms are way too tired and my fingers are slipping. So, I finally just let go. I let go and I am falling, falling, falling. Falling into the bleakness, the blackness and I fear that I will die! It is scary and I am deathly afraid.
But wait...something comes and catches me. It engulfs me in its wings and holds me. I am lifted. I am still. I am in the air floating with white feathery wings all around me. It speaks, "You can trust me." "You can trust me", the soft voice repeats again. "Be still my child", the voice says, "I will hold you and take you where you need to go. You have only forgotten to trust." The voice continues, "I am here to remind you that you can trust me. Let go, my dear, let go and let be." With these words I feel my tense muscles begin to soften, the brow on my face begins to ease, and my clutched hands begin to relax. I am held there in mid air amongst the feathery white glow with the reminders of bleakness and blackness in the background when suddenly we begin to lift. Up, up, up, it slowly carries me floating out to the surface and out of the darkness. It gently places me on the green grass sitting under an old majestic oak tree. It says, "Like the trees and the wind, I am always here for you, just trust and time will tell." It continues, "All will be as it should. Be calm, be at peace my child, you are taken care of." I finally trust enough to lie down under the tree curled up on my side with my hands placed together under my head. The white feathery thing takes its wings and places them upon me as a blanket that comforts me. I lay under its protection and the protection of the old oak while the wind sings me softly to sleep. I say, "Thank you", in deepest gratitude and once again I trust and I know that all is taken care of.
My heart aches because we had another one of those mornings. Another morning where he doesn't want to do his work and another morning where I get upset because he doesn't want to do his work. I think we try to accomplish too much in the morning and I should have stopped at the word cards. We should have stopped and been excited about our successes. Instead, I had him go further and read a book which usually is not a big deal. But this time it was a new book and tougher to get through the first time. The mom in me should have figured that we should wait and do it later when we had more time but I kept pushing him and he kept pushing right back. My patience is short and I snapped. I immediately scolded him for not listening to me, cut the time short and decided to take away his privileges. How cool was that? Not cool at all. It's like I have this ticking time bomb inside of me and the minute I can't take it any more I explode. Ethan does exactly what he does best...he decides what he is going to do and nothing can change his mind. I do what I have been taught time and time again, that being a bully is how you get your kids to listen. You see, I grew up in an abusive family with an alcoholic father. Yelling and screaming and bullying your kids into listening was the norm in our house. You never knew when the next threat or hit would be coming. Not to mention my mom had cancer and died when I was 16 and my brother became schizophrenic shortly after. I'm not asking for your sympathy here I'm just trying to give you a little back ground before I lead up to my next idea.
After having some time to think about what happened this morning and about a dozen snotty tissues later I realised something. I am creating the same traumatic environment I grew up with when I was little. Every time I loose my temper I am creating the same atmosphere of fear and anxiety I grew up with. It is a cycle that has gone on for generations. I have generations of abused women in my family who not only were abused but did the abusing to others as well. My father's mom was abusive which lead to my father abusing my childhood and my mother's side of the family was the abused which lead to my mother being abused by my father. It has been passed around by both sides of my family from one generation to the next. Centuries of abuse and the abused from grandmothers to grandfathers, aunts to uncles. Now, I am doing it to my kids. Ethan cowers when I yell and becomes very afraid and then finally listens to his mom the bully. Aiden hides out and then decides to do things to please me in hopes that I won't be so mad anymore. Luckily, Eleanor has only seen me yell a couple of times and I am determined to kick this disease. I have realised that with the help of family, friends, and professional help that I can do this. But this is why I am so upset this morning...I know I can do this but I screwed up AGAIN. I yelled and I exploded. I did not take time to breath, count, feel the anger pass, and decide that their is another way. Their is an easier way. Their is a way of letting go...I have shared this image before and here it is again...I pray that I will have the strength and the courage to go on and finally become a divine mother. I am sorry again as I feel the feelings of generations of abuse go straight through my body and into my heart. I am doing this for you, for me, for generations of women, and mostly for my children who deserve more. I am conscious of this and I know that healing is possible and that miracles are possible. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. Here is my angel story...
Today, I am a mom, a mom not feeling all together. The feelings come and go but today and the past couple of days they have been particularly strong. The worries and the fears come up time and time again. Like a witches brew and her pot is bubbling over with snakes, and snails and puppy dog' s tails. My pot is full, bubbling over, and I fear it will explode. I do the things I know that will help me contain this brew from bursting. I reach out for help, I talk to others, I take time for myself, I meditate, I exercise, I write, but I still can not control it. I am surrounded by uncontrollable factors in my life and it is far more than I can handle. I am being guided and reminded to let go, but something inside me keeps pulling me in the wrong direction. It is as if I am stuck in a black hole and no matter how hard I try to scrape myself out I can't get myself out. I'm afraid, I don't want to fall, I don't want to fail. But I can't hold on any longer, my arms are way too tired and my fingers are slipping. So, I finally just let go. I let go and I am falling, falling, falling. Falling into the bleakness, the blackness and I fear that I will die! It is scary and I am deathly afraid.
But wait...something comes and catches me. It engulfs me in its wings and holds me. I am lifted. I am still. I am in the air floating with white feathery wings all around me. It speaks, "You can trust me." "You can trust me", the soft voice repeats again. "Be still my child", the voice says, "I will hold you and take you where you need to go. You have only forgotten to trust." The voice continues, "I am here to remind you that you can trust me. Let go, my dear, let go and let be." With these words I feel my tense muscles begin to soften, the brow on my face begins to ease, and my clutched hands begin to relax. I am held there in mid air amongst the feathery white glow with the reminders of bleakness and blackness in the background when suddenly we begin to lift. Up, up, up, it slowly carries me floating out to the surface and out of the darkness. It gently places me on the green grass sitting under an old majestic oak tree. It says, "Like the trees and the wind, I am always here for you, just trust and time will tell." It continues, "All will be as it should. Be calm, be at peace my child, you are taken care of." I finally trust enough to lie down under the tree curled up on my side with my hands placed together under my head. The white feathery thing takes its wings and places them upon me as a blanket that comforts me. I lay under its protection and the protection of the old oak while the wind sings me softly to sleep. I say, "Thank you", in deepest gratitude and once again I trust and I know that all is taken care of.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Our Children, Our Greatest Teachers
I woke up this Monday morning knowing that it was another day of a routine my family and I have been doing since September. Ethan, my oldest son who has Spina Bifida, has been doing his routine for 8 months now. He gets up, goes 'potty', gets dressed and comes downstairs for breakfast. We allow him plenty of time to get everything done, at least 45 minutes. We have been through this routine forwards, backwards, up, down, and all around. We have made adjustments here and there to help him out. And every morning is different. But this morning, just after we have had two good weeks of getting up and ready we had a difficult morning again. Like a train that has to come to a complete and unexpected halt, this is what it felt like this morning. We had a nice flow going for so long and then boom, Ethan slips back into old ways. He seemed out of sync, difficult to talk to, and just being plain old passive aggressive. Many people I know would be shocked to hear this because Ethan truly is a terrific, heart warming and very social boy. He is engaging and loving. And then there is another side to Ethan. It is the side of fear and rage that I feel is a direct mirror for me. This is why I feel children are our greatest teachers. Their heart aches are a direct reflection of our heart aches especially when we have difficulty understanding why they do not just listen to us. This morning, I could not understand why Ethan would not just listen to me. Everything that we said or did was not helping at all.
Now, we have been through this every day for the past 8 months and I know when I am having a good morning and a bad morning. I thought I was having a good morning until the train wrecked for both Ethan and myself. But this morning was different. I was consciously aware of what was going on and I was doing the best I could at that moment. I did not yell or get too anxious, I stayed calm, did my breathing, and tried to let go. I say tried because there was a piece of me still holding on. In my 'train wrecked' state I could not see what I can see now, looking back, why the morning seemed so frantic for both of us.
Ethan was pushing me to another level this morning of divine love. I was being asked to let go even more than I already have and I responded by holding on tighter. This is true for me in allot of situations. And believe me I have come a long way in letting go from the beginning of the year. This was a subtle, "Jen it is time to let go even more." When I finally did the morning improved. But I still have this guilt inside of me eating at my heart. It is guilt about the dirty looks I gave Ethan and the frustrated tone to my voice when I spoke to him. These are the things that bug me the most about this morning. I still let my judgements come in and take over. When I could have just completely and lovingly knew that just my love alone could move the mountains that were standing in the way for Ethan and I this morning. This is my frustration. I see it now but I wish I could have seen it in the moment it was happening this morning. Ethan had some definite obstacles in his way this morning that were keeping him from being successful and instead of tuning into what HE needed I was focused on MY frustration of him not listening to me. I took it personal when it was not a personal thing. He has every ability to do what he does every day and I doubted it this morning because I let my own fears and judgements get in the way. I know that if I just clear the fears and judgements then I can do anything and my children can do anything.
So, here we are again, another morning of incredible lessons from my most incredible teacher, my son. I am sorry Ethan that mommy did not hear your cries for help and understanding this morning. I am truly sorry. I am truly sorry for not being compassionate and nurturing. Thank you Ethan for being you, all of you. You are truly an incredible boy who teaches me tirelessly. And next time this happens again, because there will be a next time, I will make sure that the mommy I now realise should have been present in those moments will definitely be there to help you move your mountain. Thank you my dear, I love you.
Now, we have been through this every day for the past 8 months and I know when I am having a good morning and a bad morning. I thought I was having a good morning until the train wrecked for both Ethan and myself. But this morning was different. I was consciously aware of what was going on and I was doing the best I could at that moment. I did not yell or get too anxious, I stayed calm, did my breathing, and tried to let go. I say tried because there was a piece of me still holding on. In my 'train wrecked' state I could not see what I can see now, looking back, why the morning seemed so frantic for both of us.
Ethan was pushing me to another level this morning of divine love. I was being asked to let go even more than I already have and I responded by holding on tighter. This is true for me in allot of situations. And believe me I have come a long way in letting go from the beginning of the year. This was a subtle, "Jen it is time to let go even more." When I finally did the morning improved. But I still have this guilt inside of me eating at my heart. It is guilt about the dirty looks I gave Ethan and the frustrated tone to my voice when I spoke to him. These are the things that bug me the most about this morning. I still let my judgements come in and take over. When I could have just completely and lovingly knew that just my love alone could move the mountains that were standing in the way for Ethan and I this morning. This is my frustration. I see it now but I wish I could have seen it in the moment it was happening this morning. Ethan had some definite obstacles in his way this morning that were keeping him from being successful and instead of tuning into what HE needed I was focused on MY frustration of him not listening to me. I took it personal when it was not a personal thing. He has every ability to do what he does every day and I doubted it this morning because I let my own fears and judgements get in the way. I know that if I just clear the fears and judgements then I can do anything and my children can do anything.
So, here we are again, another morning of incredible lessons from my most incredible teacher, my son. I am sorry Ethan that mommy did not hear your cries for help and understanding this morning. I am truly sorry. I am truly sorry for not being compassionate and nurturing. Thank you Ethan for being you, all of you. You are truly an incredible boy who teaches me tirelessly. And next time this happens again, because there will be a next time, I will make sure that the mommy I now realise should have been present in those moments will definitely be there to help you move your mountain. Thank you my dear, I love you.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Welcome
Welcome to Moms of Light. In this web site I will be publishing inspirational messages specifically for Mothers of Special Needs children. This is a place to share stories and the ins and outs of being a mom of a special needs child. We share the wisdom, experiences, laughs, joys, fears, doubts, tears, and the triumphs of holding this masterful job of the universe. I believe your child is unique for a very special reason. I believe your child is unlike other children for an incredible reason. I believe your child does not fit into the norm because he/she has allot to teach the world. Finally, I believe your child picked you as his/her parent because you are a very special mom. We have allot to learn from these incredible souls and from each other as mothers. This is a place dedicated to inspire you to become all that you ever dreamed of becoming. You see, I believe in miracles and I believe that faith can move mountains. So here we are, on our first day of blogging, just wait and see what miracles will come.
Please check back often, I will try to post messages daily.
Please check back often, I will try to post messages daily.
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