Today, I sit in the presence of angels. I have much to be grateful for and then I have much heaviness in my heart. I will first begin with my gratitude…I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for the souls of my children that fill my house. I am grateful for the happiness on their faces and the opportunities to help them along in their individual lives. I am grateful for their unconditional love and the beauty that radiates in the pupils of their eyes every time I look upon their face. I am grateful for the love of my husband that is wealthy, uncensored, and divine in nature. He has a sense of groundedness that keeps me sane amongst the storms in our lives. It is when we are connected that our spirits soar and the beauty within each of us is revealed to ourselves and to the world. Our home is meant to be a safe haven to explore yourself and announce yourself to the world. In our home we are meant to love and learn from each other, the good and the bad, and even the sometimes heaviness of a storm that may seem like it will never end. Somehow like a deep rooted tree that weathers the heaviest of storms we come out being there for each other and helping each one of us to heal individually and collectively. I speak from the heart. I speak in pictures and descriptions of every day matters because I know we are not the only family that weathers storms in such a fashion.
Since our move from Michigan to Illinois, many wonderful things have happened. I have expanded on these in previous writings. But now, I must divulge my true fears, my true heartaches, my true dwellings that make me heavy at times. The one big one for me is the heaviness I feel in my heart for my son, my dear one, my first born, the first breathe of heaven to enter into our life. Ethan is 10 years old now. When he was born he came in like a tumultuous flash of energy. He came in with a disability known as Spina Bifida. As parents, we had no idea that the baby I was carrying had this disability. It was not until the night before his birth that we found out. We were in the doctor’s office for an ultrasound to check my amniotic fluid because I was over a week over due. What they found was an abnormality on his spine and later was defined to us as spina bifida. Ethan came the next morning after a heart wrenching night of full awareness of how our lives would be forever changed. The incredibleness and synchronicities that lead up to his birth were as if we were divinely guided without knowing it. This will be a story to tell for another time.
We were told that we would have a child that would never walk, would always have urological, orthopedic, and neurological problems. What did this mean for us? It meant that he would need constant attention. The amount of energy that this little one would require would become a task that I was not ready to bear. But, we had no choice. So, myself, being an Occupational Therapist at the time, I put on my therapy shoes and became his therapist for the past ten years. At the same time as being a therapist determined to help my child the mother inside of me was torn apart by my son’s condition. The Mother in me felt incredible responsibility for what had happened to him. Somehow, I had caused his disability. Somehow, I had done something or didn’t do something I should have done those first formative weeks of life inside my belly that had caused his deformity. After all he grew inside of me and the mother is the vessel of nourishment. How else could this be explained other than I had done something. I had caused the pain and suffering that would surround his life. As Ethan grew and as Ethan transformed into toddler and little boy and now big boy, what I never stopped to ‘see’ all these years was that he was never in pain…It was me who was the one in pain. I was the one beating myself up for something that I had no control. All the therapy I put him through all the constant attention to getting stronger and more and more independent was surrounded by the underlying fear that I had somehow done this to my child and I had to correct my mistakes. So, instead of surrounding him with the compassion and grace of mother love I surrounded him with the goal oriented therapist. But as we know as we are human, we can only go so far on sheer determination. Somehow, and in some way you are going to crash because you are not being filled up. I always had high expectations for Ethan and always pushed him to as far as he could go. After 10 years of miracles and heartache Ethan has turned out to be an incredible child. Before we left Michigan he was beginning to walk without his arm crutches, he was having sensation as to when he needed to go to the bathroom at times, and he was dismissed from his school IEP because he was doing so well in his academics that he no longer needed outside support.
My most heart wrenching weariness that follows me daily now that we have come to Illinois is the loss of all of this…the seeming steps we have taken back. It seems that we have lost all that we worked so hard to gain in Michigan. Ethan, seems weaker in his legs, he is having trouble climbing the bus steps that he used to tower over daily. He is not doing well in school. He is missing concepts, disorganized, and receiving poor grades. He is acting out at home. He no longer has feeling when going to the bathroom. He is angry, upset, and disrespectful. He is not the Ethan we had several months ago. I feel that as a mother I have lost my child, I feel I have lost the child that had so much going for him in Michigan. But at the same time I know we are supposed to be here in Illinois. Our move and everything that surrounded our coming here was divinely orchestrated. So, why are we going through such incredible setbacks right now? My heart, my intuition tells me that Ethan is crashing because I have neglected to give him the unconditional love and support as a Mother. He is calling out for Love. That I have done a terrific job playing the therapist but that now he needs Mother Love. Mother Light, Mother Love.
So, I come to you today for help. I cry out to you to send my son love. To send a Mother’s Love so powerful that it comes in with the energy and force of a bear and at the same time holds such grace and compassion that it has the delicacy of a lotus flower. I write this as a mother who needs her sister unity, who needs the support of other mothers out there to listen, to hear, to understand, and to support and to nourish us all. I write as a cry for help, as a feeling to myself, and a question that I ask, “Am I crazy?” Could this all be happening? Could I be losing my child? I am not looking for answers I am looking for prayers. Prayers for a miraculous healing for my son. I have called upon Mother Mary daily; I continue to call upon her in every moment. I have laid down my child in her hands and into the hands of the Divine and all the Angels of healing. I call upon the sisters of light. I call upon the mothers of light. I call for prayers of healing over my child, my first born, my love, because I know that prayers of many can heal. Prayers have healed my child and many children before. I can name many miracles that have happened to Ethan because of the power of prayers of others. I call to you…and I ask for your help. Just as I rest my thoughts in the arms of Mother Mary, than Angels, and the universe, I lay my child at their feet, and I trust and I know that the healing will happen.
I have written this knowing that I am not alone. Knowing that there are Mothers out there going through the same type of heartache. So I pray for all of them. As I walk with them in their shoes my intention is that as my son heals their fears, their worries, their struggles are healed and carried away as well. As one heals we all heal and we all live, truly live, the life we were meant to enjoy, in Joy.
Thank you. Namaste.
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