Ethan's Web (Part 9)

The web of healing continues. Currently, we are visiting family in Pennsylvania. We drove in last night. We, as in my three kids and myself drove for nine hours across Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania in order to get to an average sized town in PA called York. We weathered high winds and rain, tantrums, exhaustion, boredom, and whining. It was just down right sheer determination that got us here. Why? Because this is where our roots are. This is where our history began. This is where our family began and this is where some of our family remains. We came back to reconnect and to remember who we are and where we came from. For this is all part of the journey; our journey of healing.

Every year, since we left 4 years ago, I make a point of returning for at least a week. What I have found in the past is that one week is not enough time. It is not enough time to connect with family and friends. This time we are staying for almost two weeks. 11 days to be exact. At first, when we arrived I was not sure if this was the right thing to do, staying so long. Sometimes, being around family can be exhausting and suck you back into old patterns you have worked so hard to release from your life permanently. But of course, I received my rose confirmations and I knew that I was doing the 'right' thing. After our 9 hour drive yesterday we arrived at my mother-in-laws home like 4 wet and exhausted cats waiting on your doorstep to come in and be sheltered and taken care of. We were greeted by a room full of aunts (4 to be exact) and an eagerly awaiting grandmother. The children were excited to say the least. The aunts were excited to say the least. Grandma was excited to say the least. And mom (me) was just plain tired to say the least. By 11pm that night I was able to finally get all my children to sleep including myself and my daughter (sleeping by my side). With a house full of people we were sleeping wherever we could find room. Unfortunately, I did not receive a restful night's sleep with Eleanor next to me and the very ungrounded energy of still driving in a car flowing through my body.

Today is a new day. I woke up many times last night, tossing and turning and finally decided to get up and go to a much needed yoga class. This is a place I would frequent every Saturday morning to connect with like minded friends to support and encourage each other through our Yoga practice. Returning to Yoga reminded me of who I really am and all the family I have missed for so long. I think of these people as my family due to our insights that we share and our open hearted conversations we get to enjoy with each other. Sometimes we loose site of this type of connection when we are around blood family and it is good to go outside of what is familiar in order to explore, connect, and reconnect with who you are. Today, before going into Yoga I spent some time connecting with myself alone in my car and asking for confirmation as to if I was doing the 'right' thing (as in staying in York for a such a long time and all the emotions and feelings this conjures up). In the midst of all the chaos and confusion we sometimes realise that everything was actually in perfect divine order and I was just looking for confirmation in the midst of all my chaos and confusion from the day before that I was still following and listening to my soul. So, later that morning in midst of my yoga practice I turned to glance over my left shoulder and there upon a bookshelf amongst the Netty pots, CDs, books, incense, and singing bowls was a picture of a beautiful red rose. Ahhh....my rose, my sweet rose that always comes to me with confirmation and a knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I had my confirmation and my sense of 'knowing' that all is exactly as it should be.

"So, where does this come from?", you may ask. Why do I have such insecurities that I always must receive confirmation and affirmations that I am on the right path? You see, I have lived a life filled with fear and doubt. There is a little girl inside of me that needs to have confirmation that she is 'ok' and doing the right thing. This little girl did not receive this when she was younger and I have to take care of her today and still give her the affirmation that she is 'exactly where she needs to be'. And then there is the adult me that yearns to connect to others for support and yearns for parental support (like a mom to call on the phone and a dad's shoulder to cry on) but never will receive this because her mother is no longer alive and her father is absent in her life. But these people, who I was born to had chaotic lives and even if they were around today I am not sure that I would agree with or welcome their advice in the first place. I grew up without a mom, she died of cancer when I was 16. My Dad is a recovering alcoholic and my childhood was filled with yelling, screaming, and fighting amongst my parents on a daily basis. Weekly calls to the local police station in order to come and break up a fist fight between my mom, dad, and my older brother were a regular in our home. My mom usually lost and walked around with black and blue marks on her arms or legs and even her face. My brother had them on his arms but never on his face, thankfully. My Dad, a rather large man, always won. I, hid in my bedroom and would occasionally come out to 'save my family' from killing themselves but would in turn be saved by one of the three crazy people who insisted that I go back to my room and stay there. There were times when I would come out and beat on my dad as he attempted to pummel my mom or brother and would be pushed away only so that they could go back and resume the fighting. There were times when I would yell so loud that my parents had to stop and look at me. By that time my father was so out of breath and dripping sweat from hitting my mom or brother and stunk of alcohol that all he could do is finally stop and pass out on the floor in exhaustion and intoxication. There were times when I would put my dad to bed on the couch and call my mom at work warning her not to come home for fear that another fight would take place. I thought that if I could just keep them separated long enough that I could stop the inevitable fate of fighting in our home. I would try to control alot of things in my house in fear that if I could just do this or just do that, that we would all avoid a night of fighting or a riot breakout between the three loony birds I had to live with. So, returning home brings up allot of memories. But these aren't even the memories of my new family. These are old memories. These memories haunt me from my childhood and have nothing to do with the present moment. But when you have not fully let go of your past it can effect your present in almost every moment of your existence. So, whenever I am in an environment where I can not control my surroundings, like yesterday, traveling for so long and the arrival into my mother in laws house it takes me some time to adjust and reground myself. There is damage control that needs to be done. I have to make sure my kids are getting their needs met and that we have a place to put all our stuff and ground ourselves. I need to make sure my kids are eating 'right' because I can control this and I have to make sure that they are listening and being respectful because I can control this. When you live in fear you see everything through this veil and nothing seems safe or comforting. You wind up expending allot of unnecessary energy that zaps you from enjoying life. You would think that walking into a room full of Aunts and Grandma would be wonderful to just let go and let them take over. But I can't. Yes, there is a delicate balance and I must understand that I can not control everything and some things I must 'let go' but this is my lesson to learn which I freely admit to and have finally learned to honor in myself. So this week, being in York is about balance. Ethan is not the only one being and coming into balanced energy. And the figure '8's that I have been seeing everywhere have not only been for him and his healing journey. His mom is coming into balance and healing as well. I am healing being here. I am revisiting some of the roots of who I am and going to another level of healing and re balancing so that I may emerge from my cocoon as a beautiful butterfly again on a new level of awareness and conscious living. I have alot to learn and alot to write about this week. And if you don't mind I feel that I will be writing more about my journey of healing and re balance than my son's this week. It is still Ethan's Web because this all could not be possible without Ethan and the journey that he is on. If it were not for him and his calling I would not be here writing, healing, and following my true calling. So, stayed tuned. I have much to say, release, and heal. Namaste.