Many weeks have gone by since the last time I was able to sit down and write. I have to be honest with myself and with you. I have been filled with the feelings of fear and anxiety. You see, I can be a very optimistic person and then there are times when the world seems too big to handle. I get tired and darkness temporarily consumes my life. This time, I had been caught up in so many different activities and the endless ‘to do’ list that I was purposely keeping myself ‘busy’ so that I could avoid connecting. What have I been hiding? Frankly, I have been hiding my deepest most hidden truths. You see, when I sit down and write I have nothing to hide. My deepest and most sincere thoughts are quickly revealed. It is my meditation of sorts, a connection with my higher self, with the divine some might say. I had distanced myself from myself because I was afraid of what I might find. I was afraid that this longing inside of me would never be answered. That this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of ups and downs would forever just be my life. I was filled with exhaustion over never knowing why I felt the ups and downs continuously over and over again. These feeling would sometimes subside as I engaged in the activities of life but I would always eventually return to deep emptiness that would hide out in the depths of my being. Many would say that I was missing my connection with God but this was not so. I am a very spiritual person connected with her divinity and the divinity above. Others would say that I was depressed and that depression runs in my family so it was to be expected. They were quick to prescribe medication and send me on my way. Many thought it was my obsession with ‘healing’ my child. Maybe so, but what mother does not want the best for their child and does not want them to have all the riches that the world has to offer? Finally, there were times I did not know what to think. I would be lost in confusion and began to think, “Were all these people correct?” Was I a manically depressed, obsessed mother of a child with a disability, who kept slipping into depression no matter what riches surrounded her life? Was this how I would live the rest of my life? How come there were times when I felt so connected with life and then there were times when I felt so empty inside? How come God did not fill this void when so many make claims of their prayers and emptiness being fulfilled through Her? No person, book, or Being could give me the answers. I had to find this out on my own and in my own time.
So what was this emptiness I felt? In essence, I truly had a longing to know who ‘I Am’. I wanted to feel, to truly know the ‘I AM’ of what makes Jen feel alive? What is Jen’s PASSION! As we all do, I needed to do this. I needed to know. I had to really know. I had to experience life without sharing in order to go deeper and really understand if I truly am on the path I was meant to follow.
Do you ever wonder if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing at any given time in your life? Are you following your passions? Are you exactly where you want to be doing exactly what you want to be doing? This is some of what has been going on within me. How can I share this with anyone, especially when I have a blog and my purpose is to share everything about my life and Ethan’s healing? Wow, how inspirational would that be? These are the questions and this is why I have stayed away. In this time where I have quested my thoughts about life and what I am truly meant to do I had some great revelations.
I paid attention to the signs of life, connected, read, took a couple of small, quick personality tests (that just happened to fall into my lap) and remained aware. What I found is something that I already knew but could never ‘see’ for myself. Part of my being is being an artist. I have a strong desire to be creative. “I came out of the womb with a paintbrush in my hand”, one of the assessments said (From Oprah’s November 2009 Magazine). This hit me like a slap in the face. This never dawned on me before in my entire life! I thrive on creativity outlets. Once I knew this it all started to make sense. This is why I love to write. This is why I feel so much more alive when I finish a piece of writing and post it on a blog site. When I go for days or weeks without writing I feel hum drum, icky, and static. When I can express myself I feel truly alive, connected, and flowing. Then the connections of my life became clear. I thought back to my childhood. I remembered spending hours in my room creating. I would either be drawing, coloring, dancing, or acting. I could get lost in my imaginary world for hours. I did not have many friends, and this was fine with me. I was happier connecting with my pencil and paper, my dance floor, or my stuffed animals.
As I got older, my passions were still strong but my abilities to express myself began to lessen. My parents were busy with their own problems and did not notice or foster my gifts. In high school, all I wanted to do was act. I went to my adviser to convince her that I did not need geometry or calculus because I would never use this in my life. I wanted to take double acting classes instead. Somehow, by grace, it worked. I never took those math classes and ended up taking double blocks of the same acting course. This was unheard of at the time. Partly, I think the advisor had pity on me and my family situation at the time and partly because I was determined to be right. This was a time in my life when my mother was dying of cancer, my dad was unable to take care of me due to his alcoholism, my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I lived with another family. Amazingly, out of all the chaos in my life I was able to hone in on something that made me feel alive. That was the year I took double acting courses and the year that I finally loved life for the first time. Up until then, my life was filled with hospital visits to see my mother, and the feelings of being an orphan.
I remember my first time performing on stage. I was nervous but excited. I felt so connected and so alive. It was a place to go to where I could be someone else and escape my life. I could be anything I wanted to be up there on that stage. And I was able to connect. I had an Uncle, who lived in New York City, at the time. I went to a high school in Greenwich, Connecticut. It was an easy ride into the suburbs from the city. He came to see one of my short monologues I was performing for one of my classes. I’ll never forget his words after the play, “Excellent, Jennifer. That was very, very good.” Getting his approval was like winning over the Supreme Court justice. I had finally found something I was good at! This was a huge win for me. I had balance in one area of my life when the rest of my life seemed like it was falling apart.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, high school came to an end and college began. The intuitive knowing that ‘being an artist’ got lost in choosing a career. It never occurred to me that I could make a living out of being an artist or that I could actually major in art. So, I spent 7 years of school studying Exercise Physiology and Occupational Therapy. I spent another 8 years working, raising my kids, and wondering why my life seemed to be so unsatisfying. Until, today. When I found out that for 15 years, I had missed the boat. I had lead my life completely unaware of why there was a harboring feeling of deep and profound emptiness within my cells for so long. Why, no matter what I did, I never felt satisfied. This insatiable hunger that would go on and on and rest at no end. No matter what I did to quiet this hunger, the hunger always returned. I would go from one fix to the next wondering, is this it? Is this it? Is this what I loved to do? Is this my passion?
Until now. Now I can make all the connections to my childhood and to my current life. I can see it so clearly. Even my closest friends have their roots in the arts. They are grounded in music, poetry, painting, and pottery. Every single one has a passion for the arts. This is why I feel so connected to these people and why I choose my close friends very wisely. This is also why I have such a hard time with school. My mind would float and scatter and studying was a grueling task. I would rather dream than study. This has also helped me to feel closer to the family I was born in to. My mother had an ear for music and an eye for color. Although, she was never able to develop her talents she could pick up a tune and play it on the piano instantaneously. My Uncle, my mother’s brother, is an artist. He plays his grand piano in his home, he paints, loves to decorate, and is an incredible chef. He is constantly creating. My Grandfather, a plumber, had a well respected business in NYC. He built two homes from the ground up and put love and creativity into every brick and mortar he layered. These homes are still standing today and one of the finest in the areas. Unfortunately, I do not know much about my father and his family. I have a feeling that I will find out one day soon. I do have two sons, Ethan and Aiden who have my mother’s ‘ear’ for music. Ethan can listen to a piece of music and pick out all the different parts and keenly hear each instrument. Aiden can listen to a piece of piano music and play it back instantaneously, just like my mom. My daughter loves to act out scenes with her dolls, and dance and sing endlessly, just like me. When I see her dance and sing I remember sunny days when I would sit in the driveway and sing out loud the theme from ‘Annie’ or the song ‘Over the Rainbow’ to ANYONE who would listen.
I feel like I have finally found a piece of myself that had been lost for almost two decades. I am an artist. I love to create. Whether, it is cleaning my home to reveal its brightness, painting the walls to bring in fresh colors, or expressing my feelings on a notebook. I love to create! It feels immensely good to say that. Let me say it again, I love to create! I am an artist! I have a paintbrush to express my life and direct my passions in any way I choose. This artist can bring love and light into her home and she can finally accept who she is. This is huge for me. I have made stronger connections in my web of life and with these stronger connections I can birth a new me that is intimately connected to who I am. Just think of the possibilities when you were born with ‘a paintbrush in your hand’!
Stay Tuned for More Writings on Jen’s Journey to becoming who she is, I AM!
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