Part II of Our Children, Our Greatest Teachers

I sit here with a box of tissues next to me. I have said this before and I will say it again, our children are our greatest teachers. Ethan is mine. He is teaching me fearlessly and tirelessly. This has been a tough week for us. Mainly for me. I sit and write as my heart aches and he is sitting at school smiling and laughing. I know this because I emailed his teacher to check in on him at school. I am relieved he is at school and away from home.

My heart aches because we had another one of those mornings. Another morning where he doesn't want to do his work and another morning where I get upset because he doesn't want to do his work. I think we try to accomplish too much in the morning and I should have stopped at the word cards. We should have stopped and been excited about our successes. Instead, I had him go further and read a book which usually is not a big deal. But this time it was a new book and tougher to get through the first time. The mom in me should have figured that we should wait and do it later when we had more time but I kept pushing him and he kept pushing right back. My patience is short and I snapped. I immediately scolded him for not listening to me, cut the time short and decided to take away his privileges. How cool was that? Not cool at all. It's like I have this ticking time bomb inside of me and the minute I can't take it any more I explode. Ethan does exactly what he does best...he decides what he is going to do and nothing can change his mind. I do what I have been taught time and time again, that being a bully is how you get your kids to listen. You see, I grew up in an abusive family with an alcoholic father. Yelling and screaming and bullying your kids into listening was the norm in our house. You never knew when the next threat or hit would be coming. Not to mention my mom had cancer and died when I was 16 and my brother became schizophrenic shortly after. I'm not asking for your sympathy here I'm just trying to give you a little back ground before I lead up to my next idea.

After having some time to think about what happened this morning and about a dozen snotty tissues later I realised something. I am creating the same traumatic environment I grew up with when I was little. Every time I loose my temper I am creating the same atmosphere of fear and anxiety I grew up with. It is a cycle that has gone on for generations. I have generations of abused women in my family who not only were abused but did the abusing to others as well. My father's mom was abusive which lead to my father abusing my childhood and my mother's side of the family was the abused which lead to my mother being abused by my father. It has been passed around by both sides of my family from one generation to the next. Centuries of abuse and the abused from grandmothers to grandfathers, aunts to uncles. Now, I am doing it to my kids. Ethan cowers when I yell and becomes very afraid and then finally listens to his mom the bully. Aiden hides out and then decides to do things to please me in hopes that I won't be so mad anymore. Luckily, Eleanor has only seen me yell a couple of times and I am determined to kick this disease. I have realised that with the help of family, friends, and professional help that I can do this. But this is why I am so upset this morning...I know I can do this but I screwed up AGAIN. I yelled and I exploded. I did not take time to breath, count, feel the anger pass, and decide that their is another way. Their is an easier way. Their is a way of letting go...I have shared this image before and here it is again...I pray that I will have the strength and the courage to go on and finally become a divine mother. I am sorry again as I feel the feelings of generations of abuse go straight through my body and into my heart. I am doing this for you, for me, for generations of women, and mostly for my children who deserve more. I am conscious of this and I know that healing is possible and that miracles are possible. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. Here is my angel story...

Today, I am a mom, a mom not feeling all together. The feelings come and go but today and the past couple of days they have been particularly strong. The worries and the fears come up time and time again. Like a witches brew and her pot is bubbling over with snakes, and snails and puppy dog' s tails. My pot is full, bubbling over, and I fear it will explode. I do the things I know that will help me contain this brew from bursting. I reach out for help, I talk to others, I take time for myself, I meditate, I exercise, I write, but I still can not control it. I am surrounded by uncontrollable factors in my life and it is far more than I can handle. I am being guided and reminded to let go, but something inside me keeps pulling me in the wrong direction. It is as if I am stuck in a black hole and no matter how hard I try to scrape myself out I can't get myself out. I'm afraid, I don't want to fall, I don't want to fail. But I can't hold on any longer, my arms are way too tired and my fingers are slipping. So, I finally just let go. I let go and I am falling, falling, falling. Falling into the bleakness, the blackness and I fear that I will die! It is scary and I am deathly afraid.

But wait...something comes and catches me. It engulfs me in its wings and holds me. I am lifted. I am still. I am in the air floating with white feathery wings all around me. It speaks, "You can trust me." "You can trust me", the soft voice repeats again. "Be still my child", the voice says, "I will hold you and take you where you need to go. You have only forgotten to trust." The voice continues, "I am here to remind you that you can trust me. Let go, my dear, let go and let be." With these words I feel my tense muscles begin to soften, the brow on my face begins to ease, and my clutched hands begin to relax. I am held there in mid air amongst the feathery white glow with the reminders of bleakness and blackness in the background when suddenly we begin to lift. Up, up, up, it slowly carries me floating out to the surface and out of the darkness. It gently places me on the green grass sitting under an old majestic oak tree. It says, "Like the trees and the wind, I am always here for you, just trust and time will tell." It continues, "All will be as it should. Be calm, be at peace my child, you are taken care of." I finally trust enough to lie down under the tree curled up on my side with my hands placed together under my head. The white feathery thing takes its wings and places them upon me as a blanket that comforts me. I lay under its protection and the protection of the old oak while the wind sings me softly to sleep. I say, "Thank you", in deepest gratitude and once again I trust and I know that all is taken care of.