Bridging Webs

It was our last day in Pennsylvania and I decided to take a retreat alone to a spot a little over an hour away in Emitsburg, MD. There sits a Mother Mary shrine at Mount St. Mary’s University Campus. It is referred to as the ‘Grotto’ and it is the only one of its kind in the United States. I had no idea it was so close to where we used to live in York, PA. Some dear friends told me about this place and I knew I had to make time to go by myself before we left to return to Michigan. This place is said to be filled with healing energy and it is considered a very sacred and holy place for many Christians. I had to see for myself. They were right. I spent 3 hours there, immersed in the energies of Mother Mary, Jesus and the Holy Family. I took my lap top notebook so that I could write down some of my thoughts and what I felt when I was there. My notes from that day are as follows:

As I sit here in front of the Mother Mary Grotto I feel a peace come over me and stay. The peace says to me, “You are already that which you seek to become.” I hear the song, “Let It Be” by John Lennon playing in the background of my mind. “Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.” I know now. I know all that I need to do and all that I need to become is right here in this moment. All that my family is and all that I have dreamed of them becoming is right here in this moment. I do nothing. Just, let it be. I must tell you about one of my runs in Pennsylvania. Several days ago, I was dramatically shifted. Caught in a thunderstorm, I was blessed to see lightening and hear thunder right in the midst of my run. I knew the weather looked ‘iffy’ that morning and that a shower was possible but I had no idea of the down pour that I would encounter. It was a wonderful down pour of rain. Almost as if a clearing or a cleansing was occurring. I ran across the bridge where I had seen the 100’s of spider webs from the days before and I thanked God for allowing me to be aware of such a miraculous site. The clouds grew thicker and I felt the dampness in the air grow and smell stronger. I had a flash of my father and my brother before my eyes. I heard the words of “Going Home” inside my head. I knew what this meant. It was time for me to return home. It is time for me to go back to my original roots of where I was born and to heal the past. It is time to return home. I have not seen my father or my brother in over 20 years. I have had enough running from my past. I feel that I am finally a woman who can face her past with a woman’s eyes ready to compassionately let her inner child be healed. There is a little girl inside of me that yearns for the relationship of a blood family that she never had. She knows that this is not possible but in going to see where she grew up and maybe in talking with the people that once surrounded her life she might go with the knowing that there is never anything ’bad’ that can happen to her and that she is always ‘taken care of’ wherever she walks or goes. I can go as a woman who can hold and protect her inner child. I can go as a woman and face all the people that once hurt her as well as those that once protected her and know that there is nothing to fear. My inner child needs to see in person that she was protected all along and that there was never anything to fear in the first place. All the fights and all the yelling and screaming and all the hitting are no longer alive. They are visions of the past and that is all they are. If I can see in person, with a woman’s eyes of today than my child’s eyes of yesterday will finally know that all is o.k. So then, ‘I must go home.’ This is in my future and I know that I will go.

This is what ‘came to me’ on my run that day when I was caught in the thunderstorm. Not only was I given a pilgrimage but I was washed clean. Being caught in the storm not only gave me the revelation that urges me to continue to heal the early years of my childhood but the rain also made me feel that the recent years past were being washed away. All the heartache and unhappiness of my last 8 years were finally cleansed and washed clean. The rain symbolized a final ceremonial shower that swept the remaining doubt and insecurity that still resided in my energy field permanently away and transformed into the universe. All the fears of when Ethan was born, all the fears that came with being a mother of a child with special needs, all the fears of being married and not understanding what marriage looked like, all the fears of trying to be my own woman when I never had a role model to look up to, all the fears and misunderstandings of life were finally taken away and transformed. York was the place where the healing journey had been initiated. It is where my awareness of consciousness began. And now it is where I have returned for a transformative cleansing of my soul. I have come back to see that every step I had taken on this healing journey was needed and necessary to be where I am today. It has brought me to a place of perfection. A knowing that healing the past is possible and I am finally thankful for all that is and ever was; all the darkness and all the light. In the days to come I will continue to write and share all of my experiences and know that all of these experiences that we have every day are filled with opportunities to heal and be aware of our true selves. So, in respect to all the webs of our existence I will name my web, ‘Jen’s Web’. My web is just as much a part of the healing as Ethan’s Web. Because we are all divinely connected and united in a universal web of love and light. Through our healing (Ethan and I) it is my hope that you will see how truly gifted each one of us is and appreciate each individual for all that they are and all that they have become. Each individual’s journey is our journey. Each individual’s web is our web. Watch, wait, and know that Jen’s Web, Ethan’s Web, and Your Web are all unfolding, transforming, and healing. Let’s finally take this trip together; to return home.