Today is the 21 year anniversary of my mother’s surrender to colon cancer. On November 8, 1998 my mom passed away in a hospital in Greenwich, Connecticut. She spent several years fighting for her life until she could not any longer. Ironically, it has been a week since my mother in law has come to visit us in Michigan from Kansas and has spent the entire week in a hospital. My mother and father in law were coming for 3 days to visit with and enjoy their three grand kids, Ethan, Aiden, and Eleanor, for the Halloween weekend. Unfortunately, my mother in law became ill and had to go to the hospital in order to figure out what was going on. The days became long and drawn out as they spent many hours in an urgent care facility up the street, then had to be transported to a hospital emergency room for approximately 10 hours until they thought they knew what was going on. Finally, we thought the problem was solved, a bowel obstruction, that seemed to release after performing several external procedures. She was sent home and we were all very relieved. But, that same evening, the pain, and nausea returned in such a fury that we had to again order an ambulance to take her back to the hospital. This time we chose a different hospital where we were sure that she would receive better care. Within hours her problem was diagnosed and the doctors and nurses were on their way to resolving the issue. She eventually had to undergo surgery and is currently recovering nicely. She was released yesterday and finally came home to spend the day with her grand children. All in all, a 3 day trip had turned into a 10 day emergency and necessary healing in the hospital.
I am honored to have them here in our presence going through such a complicated recovery. I am honored that I have been given another opportunity to heal old wounds with a mother that is no longer around (I’ll call her the ‘old’ mom) in the presence of a ‘new’ mom (my mother in law). I would not want this to happen anywhere else. My new mom is doing very well and it is a relief to see her happy, smiling, eating, walking, and having fun with life again.
I have to thank her for another reason. You see, without her even knowing she has helped me resolve a childhood issue from long ago. At age 16, I went through the loss of my own mother who was 44 years old. Her name was Eleanor, and she died of colon cancer. Ironically, my new mom had an obstruction in her colon that needed to be surgically removed. Unknowingly, I was reliving my mother’s complications. I became so involved in the illusion of the same scenario that I began to see signs of further complications. At one point, I asked my husband to make sure that he find out all he could about her condition and ask them to not dismiss the idea that she could have colon cancer out of fear that this may be the same scenario. It wasn’t till later that I realized what I was doing.
I finally made the connection one day when I was able to pause, breathe, cry and remember all the feelings and emotions I held in my body for the past 21 years. 21 years since my mother died and now I am finally releasing the last layers of anxiety, self doubt, and regret over the situation. I regretted not being there enough for her, for not tuning into the lovely being that she was, for not consoling her and telling her what a great job I thought she did with me and my brother despite her situation. I regretted not cheering her on more and helping her to see how incredible she was/is. This week it all changed. I was blessed to watch my ‘new’ mom recover from external ‘wounds’ while I healed my internal ‘wounds’ of my relationship with my ‘old’ mom at the same time. I had the opportunity to hold my new mom’s hand, give her a kiss on the cheek, take walks, and tell stories. I was given moments to nurture, to love, and to be loved by another woman who I see as my mom. This, I could not do with my old mom. This, I never got to do with my old mom. I was too young at the time to understand. My old mom was too busy wrapped up in the illusions of her own life to see what she had in front of her eyes with me. She had an alcoholic husband, a failing marriage, and a fight with cancer. Life, in her eyes, was too difficult. Healing, for her, was not an option. Life was not worth living. She was tired and ready to go.
Life changed for me this week when my new mom recovered here in Michigan. The first day after my new mom’s surgery, I was driving to the hospital, when I finally realized the connections to my old mom. For example, my new mom had an infection in the same area that my old mom had 21 years ago. When I pulled into the parking spot of the hospital, I pulled into parking spot 16 (my age when my mother died of colon cancer). The number 44 was appearing to me everywhere, on clocks, books, phones, and including the hospital room number of my new mom (the age of my old mom when she died). When I first walked into the room of my new mom I immediately noticed a screen saver picture, on my father in law’s computer, flash upon the screen of my new mom and me smiling together. Finally, the sights and sounds of the hospital room were distinctly similar and very reminiscent of 21 years ago and the endless days at the hospital that year. I could feel, for my father in law who spent countless hours at her side every day. I know what this is like. Overall, there is one huge difference. My new mom is living and came home. My old mom did not. Now as an adult of 37 years old I can finally move on.
Today, 21 years later, I see how I have finally healed old wounds. Today, I can celebrate my old mom in new ways. Ways that I was unaware that I had in me. Today is no longer about her death. Today is about her life and her living. My old mom, Eleanor, was a beautiful woman. Eleanor loved music and art. She could listen to a tune and play it back by ear on the piano without missing a beat. Eleanor could sew a costume for me for Halloween and make a dress for herself all in the same day. She made all of our curtains in our house and she even painted and decorated a toy chest for me when I was a child. She had an excellent work ethic. She was the executive assistant to the President’s of some very lofty firms in her time. She even started her own company once with two other visionary women. They called it the ‘GEM Group’. My mother, Eleanor, was a gem herself. She had so much vibrancy, love, and peace within her that she could not see for herself. She is helping me today to see that I am just like her in so many ways and that it is just as important for me to recognize my own vibrancy. I have three children who look up to their mom just as I looked up to mine. Today, after 21 years, I finally see my mother’s life as a GEM. I have finally peeled back all the layers of struggle, anger, and fear to reveal the gifts of her life and how much she lived. She was not the colon cancer, battered and beaten wife I have remembered her as for all of these years. She was a woman of confidence, assurance, assertiveness, creativity, peace, love, and firey life. Much like my new mom is today! Today, I celebrate a long awaited peace that has come to my heart and a new joy in living that has been revealed. I have been given a chance to once again ‘Start All Over’ (Tracey Chapman)* and I thank my new mom for showing me how.
*I refer to the song ‘Start All Over’ by Tracey Chapman in previous blogs.
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