Jen's Web (Part 9)

I sit here this morning in deep contemplation over life and living. When I began this blog many years ago I had the intention of bringing women together to connect and express their true being, their true divinity, & their true godliness. Then my writings were shaped and transferred into issues that concerned my son, Ethan. And now I feel a momentous return to who I am and expressing my true being on the forefront.

I woke up this morning with a sudden need and desire to do just what I am feeling. It has been tossing and turning within me for many years and I feel that I finally have the capacity to express what has been stirring and shifting within my soul for so long. It is the idea that we are all divine beings with the capacity to create our own Heavens on Earth. As a mom in the suburbs I am often caught up in the illusions of my everyday life. The morning routine of getting the kids ready and off to school, going on with the everyday tasks, and then returning together in the evening for activities and dinner. As a society we are bombarded with recommendations on how to handle all of what we take on in our new fast paced world of electronics, busy schedules, and endless activities. Recently, it has become the fad to purge out what we do not need anymore, reduce, reuse and recycle. I feel that there is something great in this notion on so many levels that is important to take great time and care to listen to.

Reduce, reuse, and recycle. Reduce the clutter in our lives not only externally but internally. Reuse and revive our lives. Recycle ourselves into something new and glorious…the lives and beings we were supposed to be from early on…our soul’s original intentions. I can speak from experience. I grew up in a ‘crazy’ family, if you will, filled with fear, anger, and resentment. Alcohol was abundant, cancer rampant, and mental illnesses living furiously. The notion of scarcity and distrust was strong throughout the generations of my family. Thus, I took much of this on and grew up believing that it was completely up to me to make it in life. I could not depend on anyone else, ever. The risk was too great. This followed me wherever I went and my life was shaped around these notions. But, somewhere deep within my heart I just wanted a family that would take care of me so that I could finally get what I never had as a child; peace. On many levels, this is what I thought I had finally found when I met my husband to be and his family. I was flabbergasted that the ‘Leave it to Beaver’ life still existed. (A black and white TV show that epitomized what American society believed was the perfect family life back in the 1950’s) Dad went to work while Mom stayed at home with the children raising the kids and taking care of the household. Sincerely, this type of family is all I thought that I wanted. I did not know it at the time but all I truly really wanted was a life of internal peace. I was still filled with the struggles of distrust and the notion that I had to work and ‘make it’ on my own. It was a duality of wanting to trust but then rejecting it every time trust showed its face.

So, I tried to ‘make it’ and still have the family life. When my son was born with spina bifida I tried for many years to still work outside the home but found that truly my heart was still in the home with family. It has only been recently that I have realized that the reason I had so many illusions about family life verses the working life is because before I could go out into the world and ‘work’ I had to clear out and become who I truly am and always have been. I had to purge the clutter in my internal home from within. My son, Ethan, has helped me to realize this. Through his disability and healing I have come to realize that life was never about healing Ethan or anyone else and it was always about healing Jennifer. As it is today, I am truly and finally comfortable with myself and who I am. In this new found comfort I can accept those that come into my world of existence, including those that do not resonate with my beliefs. Of course, I still have many moments where I become caught up in the illusions of scarcity and fear but the more I practice the reality of no duality the more that peace instantly appears and becomes my existence and the existence of those who surround me.

So, in this moment on this morning I wish for another new beginning for you, for me, and for everyone who reads this blog. I pray for an existence for you that is filled with abundance, grace, peace, love, and ‘knowing’. A ‘knowing’ that there is a Heaven right here on Earth in each of our corners of the world. And to get there, I pray that you purge what you no longer need in your life. I pray that you get rid of the cob webs in your life that are blocking the light from shining within. I pray that you see the essence of who you are and that you take the time to nourish this essence in order to let it vibrate and shine. The Heaven I speak of is the ‘knowing’ of exactly who we are and the ‘being’ that we were always meant to become. It is my hope that through connecting together we can all ‘see’ each other as godly creations that are connected and one. We are here to celebrate and enrich each other in joyous ways. This is a huge step for many of us; and even now I still struggle with this idea in my own life. But if I could just take a moment to open my heart a little wider and a little deeper I would see that the struggles that I fear are from past programming in my childhood and really have nothing to do with who I really am today and who I have always been. If I truly believe in Heaven on Earth, I can release and let go joyfully these notions of past programming and never have to return to the habits of fear and scarcity. I can purge, reboot my program, recycle my soul, and reuse my life.

Today I take one step or maybe two or three steps or a full leap! Further and further into the reality that we have and are everything that we have always wanted to be; peace and pure joy. We are joyous beings no matter, neither what is going on in our lives at this moment nor how ‘bad’ things may seem to be. That is just it…they just seemingly are what you think they are. Let’s not think. Let grace fill you up and ‘know’ the illumination. I may be beginning to sound ‘out there’ and a bit ‘woozy’ but this is truly how I feel. If each one of us took the time to be in the moment in every moment and see each other as godly creations we would slow down enough to truly know that there is nothing ever to fear. Ever! We are all here, first and foremost, just to help each other on so many levels. We need each other and the draw that we feel towards some is because we feel a safe place with them. The distance we feel with others is because of a mirror for ourselves of issues within us that we are being asked to discover, see, and let go. Today, I let go of more fear and more scarcity in order to bring in sheer joy and sheer trust. I am rebooted, refurbished, and recycled. My new model that has emerged is much better than the old. It is red and shiny and ready to live. It is beyond limitation and full of glory. It is who I am. I trust that you will do the same and see how joyful living openly can be. I don’t know many of you but I trust that I already do. Thank you.