I sit here this evening contemplating the events of my day. Something synchronised happened today in relation to this past week. My husband was out of town and I was on overtime duty with the kids. I was feeling very tired. I have noticed that when I am tired I begin to fall back into old behavior patterns that do not work for me and my new family anymore. I became curt with my children. Situation after situation would arise where they would push the boundaries which would in turn push me to my limit. I kept focusing on my tiredness and my feelings of being a temporary single parent. I didn’t see the opportunities for learning and growth.
For instance, over the weekend we shopped for a new winter coat for my middle child, Aiden. Ethan, my oldest, had played a special role with the shopping. He had taken the time to try on coats and help with sizing since Aiden was at a friend’s house. Unfortunately, this was not a simple task. Ethan was having an ‘off’ week himself, to say the least. He had spent many moments throughout the week complaining more, protesting more, fighting more, and crying more. Clearly, something was up. I could not put my finger on it and was frustrated with the constant emergency work I had to do to put the fires out. But there was life that needed to be living so we went ahead with the daily grinds. I had a rather pessimistic view of my life this week. I really saw the glass as half empty instead of half full. In essence, it was only a matter of moments until I became a part of the illusion, an actor in the play as you will, instead of remaining the observer that objectively sees life. My emotions welled up and the old patterns came rolling back. It was as if someone flipped the ‘on’ switch for the short tempered, yelling mommy, who just wanted her children to go to their rooms and stay there for awhile.
Since my perspective was limited, life would bring me more limitations. One of those days, Ethan explained to me that he really liked Aiden’s coat and that he wouldn’t mind keeping it for himself if it was too big for Aiden. I quickly dismissed this idea. I didn’t even consider the possibility since I felt that I did not even have the energy to think. I had to conserve what I had in order to get through the days, so I thought. There were many moments throughout the week where I had difficulty listening to my children and their great ideas. Of course, when we figured out that the jacket we bought for Aiden was too big I did not consider Ethan’s request and returned the jacket to the store. Ironically, Ethan was with me when we went searching again for another jacket that would fit Aiden, and he again pointed out the jackets he really liked. In addition, I didn’t even notice until later that the price of the original jacket was severely discounted almost to nothing! Since I was not paying attention to the moments of life the opportunities began to slip by.
Several days later, after my revelations that I speak about in my previous blogs (refer back to blogs 3 and 4), I remembered Ethan’s longing for the first original coat. So, like a refreshed and vibrant mom I went back to the store to try and find the jacket. As I was searching, and searching, and searching I heard the words of a song playing in the store’s overhead speakers, ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot, mmm, da, da, da, da… Oh and don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone!’ These simple words were playing over and over and over until I finally realized what I was being told. The jacket was gone for good! I did not realize what I had and what I did not ‘see’ until I did not have it anymore. This was an incredibly significant lesson. No matter who I asked and how many places I looked the jacket was gone. This was more than just a jacket. It was a prime example of what we sometimes miss in our lives when we do not slow down to be in the moment. We limit ourselves when we become caught up on the chaos and think that ‘the stuff’ that is going on around us ‘is life’. I was so consumed with ‘my tiredness’ and ‘my belief’ that I had to do everything that I lost who I truly am. I completely overlooked what was right in front of me and could not ‘see’ the miracles that were trying to unfold. I couldn’t ‘hear’ my children because I couldn’t hear myself. My inner guidance knows that there is an inexhaustible supply of energy, abundance, and love. When I am centered and aware I can tap into that supply and be the mom of light I dream of being. Instead I reverted to old behavior patterns I knew as a child in thinking it was going to be an exhausting week. I made up my mind and I knew I would have a difficult week ahead of me. And that is exactly what happened.
There is another important piece to this lesson. In the moment of hearing those words, ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone,’ I was able to recognize that I had been a part of the illusion. In the middle of that store my awareness hit me like a ton of bricks. It was another ‘Aha!’ moment. My roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs in my life has also been telling me that very same thing. There are times when I am connected and everything falls beautifully into place. Awareness allows me to listen and trust. Then there are times where nothing seems to be easy. When I feel tired and discouraged I know that my awareness ‘switch’ is turned off. Sometimes I am full of light and sometimes I can see only darkness. This time, I was able to listen to that song, remain aware, and know that this was a simple lesson about our limitations when we do not ‘see’. If we begin to live our lives through the eyes of the ‘observer’, we can see difficult circumstances for the illusions that they are and remain open to the answers that will literally come our way on their own. We don’t have to make life happen. Life goes on. We can stand in our knowing and allow beauty to unfold. So, losing a jacket was not about ‘the jacket’, it was about seeing clearly again. The jacket and I played a very important role in helping to see myself caught in an illusion and how life played out exactly as it should when I believed in loss, exhaustion, and fear. Now that I am living my life on the other side, I am thankful of that lesson and I might have to just go back to the store tomorrow and ‘see’; just maybe that jacket may turn up. You never know when we live in a world of abundance and everlasting light. Just a thought, I’ll let you know what happens.
Addendum: I went back to the store the next day and had an extremely helpful customer service representative come up to me as soon as I entered the children’s section of the store. She was very cheerful and eager to get my opinion on a survey she was completing. Her first question was, “Have you been finding everything you need?” Of course, I told her my story and she spent 20-30 minutes searching everywhere in the store to find ‘the jacket’. The jacket did not turn up but I was sent an additional 15-20% coupon on everything already reduced in the store over email that morning. Since the jackets were already ½ off I was able to get even more of a discount on another coat that Ethan had already told me that he also really liked. The customer service representative did not leave my side until she knew I was satisfied. I even had to remind her to finish her survey with me before she left. It was the least I could do after she spent all that time devoted to helping me out.
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