Jen's Web (Part 14) Purging

I sit here this morning looking back on the last three days since I have been back from Disney. I made a commitment to bring back the same magic I felt in Disney here into my own life at home. I made this commitment because I believe that life is supposed to be filled with wonder and joy. The problem is that we make unconscious choices throughout our lives and then we wonder why we feel that life is difficult or not what we expected it to be. I am speaking merely from my own experience. I use the term we because I internally know there are some that feel the same way I do out there but not all. Most of the time, when I use the term ‘we’, I am referring to my own experiences. As many of you know, I have been wrestling with my ‘Father’ experiences as a child and have come to some form of acceptance and forgiveness over vacation. What I learned when I returned home is that there are still many layers to the “onion of healing” that become more and more apparent as we peel away each piece until we get to the heart of the issue. I have peeled away many layers over the years and just recently peeled away some of the layers that were closest to my heart. What I learned when I returned home from Disney was that before I could completely embrace joy, wonder, and magic in my life, and I mean COMPLETELY EMBRACE, I had to get to the heart of the current issues in my life, the center of the onion. Thus the heart of my ‘Father’ onion had returned.

When I walked into the doors of my home I realized that I did not feel that this was my home. I believe ‘home’ should exude feelings of connection, balance, and centering. It is a place of peace and grace. It is a sanctuary that is only filled with the people and things that are sacred. Everything that enters a home has special meaning and use. Everyone that enters a home should know that they have entered a sacred place that they have been invited to. The items and people that fill a home have special meaning and conscious thought that contribute to the essence of life. Home is respected and valued for its sacredness in our own lives and homes and the lives of every home that we visit. This is what I wanted my home to be like. What I found when I returned to my home was that what I wanted it to be was not what it actually was.

I saw myself surrounded by stuff that did not have meaning to me anymore. It may have had meaning to the Jen that was but it did not have meaning to the Jen that has emerged. Gifts that were given to me over the years filled every shelf not because I loved these things but because they were given to me and I did not know what to do with them. More stuff sat in the corners of the house and inside cupboards that have not been looked at in years. More stuff seeped out of overstuffed drawers because I have kept everything in case we may need it later on or could sell it for something down the road. I felt suffocated, cluttered, and a mess looking at how much stuff I have and how little I actually get from having all this stuff. It occurred to me….why do I have all this stuff? Why is it that I can go on vacation for 1 or 2 weeks and not miss this stuff at all but when I return home the feelings of freedom that vacation brings are always taken away? There is a freedom that comes when we get away from it all and do not have to worry about our stuff anymore. Why have I held onto this stuff? Why did I not purge something every time I received something new like they tell you to do in all those organization books that I read in my fruitless attempts to get organized? I have to say, my home is really not too bad as compared to some other homes that I have seen. And I do regularly purge items no longer used. The point is that I now completely embrace the notion of only holding onto things that have special, and I mean SPECIAL meaning, and those things that we use over and over again. It is not the stuff that fills our home that makes it a home, it is the people that live there and enter our sanctuary. If I am to completely embrace the joy I receive in believing this last statement then I have to start doing something about it. Before vacation I had begun the process of deeper purging but now I was feeling the push to get radical. Actually, I was so consumed with how cluttered and suffocated I felt when I had returned from Disney that I became sick and immobilized for two days. I was forced to sit and observe how much stuff we have that we do not use. Where did all this stuff come from? Why did I do nothing about this all these years? My only answer was unresolved emotions and self acceptance. I did not feel that I could purge what I internally knew we did not need anymore because I still felt emotionally attached to these items and I felt that my husband would have a temper tantrum (father issues again). I just did not want to go there. There are many issues that I had not approached with him due to having my own issues of my father and unconsciously not wanting to feel those unresolved feelings. I was afraid of being told, “No!” Then the little kid inside of me would just throw her arms across her chest in her own temper tantrum and say, “Humph (stomping her foot), I’ll show you, you can’t say no to me!” Getting rid of stuff was/is still one of the issues. Some of this stuff is not my stuff and it is shared by my husband. But I could not take it anymore! You see, my little kid sees him as a pack rat in many ways. Not a bad thing…but he always wants to save things in case we need it later, forgets that we even have the stuff, and goes out and buys it anyway because he can’t find it or forgets that we have it. So, enough is enough! I had it! I couldn’t live like this anymore, I can’t live like this anymore, and it was making me sick! So, I purged! In a frenzy of cleaning, sorting, and emptying; I purged! I started with my family room and boy did it feel good! I packed stuff up and put it in the basement for now until I find a home for all the stuff we don’t use anymore. It was necessary and it continues to be necessary for the health of me and my family. And what happened when Andy got home? Well, at first I felt like the little kid who had done something bad and was waiting for the parent to get home to scold her (father issues again). But I stood in those feelings, embraced them, and lived! Andy did his own huffing and puffing a bit, as I expected. But I think he found it liberating as well. He did some purging himself. He went through some piles of papers I had asked him to go through weeks ago and he began the process of downloading some long awaited family recordings from an old camcorder onto the computer. He sure was not happy with me at first but he did come around in the end.

This whole purging thing is necessary in my life right now. It must be done. I am not the little girl who is afraid of being who she is anymore. I have broken out of my cocoon. The illusion that I was living before continues to be stripped away. If I am going to embrace wonder and magic in my world then I have to have a home where I can feel safe to do and be who I am. We have to have a place of sanctuary that is full of meaning physically and spiritually. My kids will grow up living a conscious life. Creating a sanctuary that harbors conscious living is part of this. As a mother, I feel an incredible responsibility to live my truths so that my children will live theirs. My truth is telling me that I am not these ‘things’ anymore and it is time to let all of this stuff go that does not serve my internal purpose any longer. There are people out there in greater need than I, who have a greater appreciation for the things that I have that do not get used. Letting them go creates freedom and space in my heart. When we let go of that which no longer feeds our soul we raise our vibration and open our hearts for something greater to come along and enter our new being. Thank you.

Note- My immobilizing flu magically disappeared with all the stuff that was weighing me down.