It’s 1 am on December 26th 2009 and I’m up in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep. Besides my daughter not feeling well and sleeping next to me in bed I find myself just not being able to sleep at all. Could it be too much wine, too much to eat, or the possibility that my body just feels unbalanced in so many different ways. The holidays have a way of throwing us all off balance that it is inevitable we all wake up on 01/01/10 with New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, exercise more, and just in general be conscious about our every day existence. Right now, in this moment I feel exactly that way. I feel like such an overstuffed turkey that I am ready to begin my resolutions early. I feel that this journey has been thrusted upon me due to so many different factors. Call it perfect timing in my world but if I don’t change my habits I am going to die young of moderate exposure to all the toxins in life and just become another statistic in this age of discoveries of what is good for you and what is bad.
It all began many, many weeks ago when I wrote my latest blog about the new relationships that were emerging in my life due to the personality changes that were happening within me. A new, more empowered Jen was emerging and she is in there fighting for her life, literally, to come out. It’s part of why I am up this morning at 1 am talking and writing to you. It’s this ‘Mom of Light’ thing that I have been working on and festering for so many years. Consciously, these past several weeks I have finally realized the true meaning of what it is to be a ‘Mom of Light’ and live this path of LIGHT. It is a path that is not often walked and it is a path of conscious living that does not follow the typical journey of our fellow WOman. A Mom of Light does not shop at some of my once TOP 5 stores. There is no more Target to get the latest trends in household and fashion designs for cheap. No more local grocery store treks to get all your shopping needs done for the weeks groceries. No more bargains at the local department stores where you can get really good deals because they buy in bulk and sell it to you severely discounted. No more trips to the drug store for the antibiotic of choice that will get us through the next round of sickness running through my family. No more loading up on vitamin store vitamins that are supposed to keep you healthy and supply all the nutrients you need that we don’t get in our regular diets. This is how I used to live my life in the everyday outward bounds of what I typically do. It’s not that there is anything wrong with living this way. Not at all. I just know deep within my soul that there is a more conscious way to live and I am ready to be completely committed to the more conscious way. I have lived life on the border of completely transforming to a completely conscious life; I just have not made the full conscious LEAP to the other side. I have dabbled in alternative vitamins and herbs to keep my family healthy and vaccine free. I have learned some pretty amazing recipes that promise full flavor and nutrition from organic products. And I have made conscious decisions to only buy products where I know exactly how the product was made and with what type of materials. But now I feel the urge to be completely and totally committed to this new way of living. There is much more that I have only begun to discover. If it weren’t for the constant up and down symptoms I face daily that keep urging me to live life more fully I would probably go on ignoring my existence and living life ½ present. For example, my body speaks to me daily through constant belly aches from eating foods that I know I must have allergies to but have not taken the time to free myself from the horrors and havoc it is creating in my body’s echo system. Then there is the nightly glass of wine that I thoroughly enjoy drinking with dinner that sometimes turns into two glasses. It is the after effects it creates of sleeplessness and night sweats that makes others want to avoid me like the plague the next day when I do not get my beauty rest from the night before! Then there is the roller coaster ride of working out and not working out to take care of my body that keeps becoming harder and harder to maintain as I get older and older. Lastly, but not least, there is the fact that I am stricken with up and down mood swings at least 1-2 weeks out of every month which can add up to a maximum of 26 out of 52 weeks a year of bitchiness! Needless to say…this is not how I want to live my life where ½ a year, every year, I don’t even want to be around myself. Not to mention the bloating, irregularity, dry itchy skin, and graying dulling hair that I have recently noticed the past year. So, what brings this all on? Call it determination, realization, and deep contemplation about the meaning of life. I don’t know. The fact is that as I get older I notice my susceptibility to more and more problems that I never even dreamed of having. It’s like my body is a slow ticking time bomb and I need to figure out if I am to cut the red chord or the green chord, cause if I don’t she is goanna blow!
No doubt, somewhere, deep within me there is this burning candle of belief that knows age really does not define us. Somehow we get caught up in what society tells us we should be doing and what our parents always did that we tend to ignore the subtle inclinations in our heart that speak to us every day and tell us exactly how we should be living and not what the media says we should be doing. It only becomes ever more important to me when I look in the mirror at my sagging physique and droopy skin under my eyes that I must do something. So many people around me just want to accept that this is just a part of getting older and that there is nothing you can do about it. They may be right, to a degree, but I’d rather prove myself wrong in trying then not trying at all. I just can’t accept that the way I feel is just a part of getting older and all our stuff just not working as well as it used to. Somewhere inside me I believe that if I was living the life I have always dreamed of living then I would just naturally feel younger, more vibrant, and healthy. If I was truly living my passion then I would feel great! Inside me, I consciously believe if I am truly a ‘Mom of Light’ and what I believe her to be then I must LIVE like a ‘Mom of Light’ in every moment of my life. I have to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. I have already done much shedding of my past and now it is time to be present and enlightened in the moments I am in every day. The only way I can do this is if I thoroughly look at and reconfigure every action I take every moment of every day.
Hmmm… that is a mouthful! That is a huge challenge! To begin with, I am going to take a monster leap forward and decide that I will take 2 weeks to either give up something in my life or change a habit that is not working any longer. For instance, I could give up alcohol, TV, talking on the cell phone, or sugar. Or I could change a habit that I feel is affecting my life and or my children’s life. For example, talking on the cell phone in my car could be changed to only talking when I can give all my attention to the person on the other line; like at home or parked in the car when I am waiting for my kids to get off the bus. Or I might find that I seem to be unusually pessimistic (certain weeks of my life) and I sense the need to put a positive spin on everything I think about. So, I may find that I need to be exuberantly positive for two weeks instead of immediately jumping to conclusions or allowing judgment to plague my thoughts. The matter of fact is that I am going to take every 2 weeks to change my life for the better and then embrace that new habit or change into my life for the rest of the year! That adds up to a total of 26 new changes this coming year. Whoa! I know! I know! That is a huge Tall Order! But hey, if I am going to be the light I must live in the light! So, here goes nothing, or might I add everything! And watch as I change and become that which I am already meant to be. No worries though…I know it is not going to be easy and I am not delusional (It is only 2:30 in the morning). I just know that if I don’t start changing, drastically, now, then something will either force me to do it later (like sickness or depression) or I will die regretting that I never tried. Who knows, if I stick to my plan and all goes well I could lose everything I ever thought I needed in my life and gain so much more than I ever dreamed. So here it goes, and watch as you see me transform.
PS…I will be taking a day or two or three to figure out my first big change. Stay tuned.
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