Jen's Web (Part 11) Disney Continued

This morning I woke up ready to dive into my next uncovering of feelings and emotions that have been unresolved for so long. I have already touched upon my dad and my mom and the gifts that they were able to give me during the short time we were together in my childhood. There is another figure, my uncle, who has played a large role in my life. Through him I have had much to learn about life and living. My uncle, my mother’s brother, grew up in New York City in the 1950s. He managed to put himself through college and work his way up to a very respectable and high level position in the New York City United Federation of Teachers. He was a union man and still is today. He was my rock as a child. He gave me a sense of security. In a time of my life when my mother was dying of cancer and my father was unable to take care of his wife, my brother or I, my uncle stepped in and took over the basic securities in life. Food, shelter, and clothing all were provided by him. He knew how to take care of the basics so that I could survive. He used to say to me, “Jennifer, there is one thing we both have in common, we’re both survivors.” This is what brought us together. In a tumultuous time in my life he recognized the need for stability and stepped in to provide as much as he knew how. He made sure that I had enough to eat, a place to sleep, and that I had clothing. At that time in my life I had one year left in high school and no place to live. I could not live with my father who was unfit to handle children. I did have a choice. I could either move to NYC or live with a friend and her family who had graciously asked me, so that I could finish high school. I wanted deeply to stay in Connected (where I grew up) and finish school living at my friends home. My Uncle helped me to put this all together. And even later that year when the plans that had been set did not seem to be working out he helped to come up with a resolution. It seems that whenever I needed ‘emergency’ care in my life my Uncle was there to step in and take over. It was a nice feeling to have a ‘hand’ watching over you. And this is what he could afford to give me.

The other parts of development that a child so desperately needs, feelings of safety, nurturing, understanding, connection, compassionate love were developed as best they could and still lacked the nurturing only a mother knows how to provide. Thus, the compassionate side of me mildly blossomed and survival instincts reigned. With all that had happened and the genes I was given I have finally realized I was given the gift of being a master ‘survivor’ at a very young age. What do you do when you are a survivor? You do what you have to do in order to survive. Your focus is on food, a place to sleep, and in my case getting out of Connecticut and to college where I could escape the world I grew up in. My uncle helped me tremendously to develop my survival instincts and how to make it in a world that could be threatening. And when he felt he had completed his job, like any primal animal that has finished teaching their young, he released me to the world. Thus, the phone calls and the visits began to dwindle. Like any other child who did not have the opportunity to develop her compassionate side, I did not have it in me to reach out and tell him that I did still need him in other ways. That I would have enjoyed being around him more often and had the opportunity to learn more about his life and not just the survival skills. That is what humans do and makes us different from primates. But I have to accept that he could not see this and I could not tell him. We drifted apart and we lost touch for many years. Occasionally we would speak or send cards around the holidays but for the most part our relationship was put on the bleachers. Until recently…

Today, we have an opportunity to reignite an old relationship with new wings. He is driving to Orlando, Florida (2 hours from where he lives) to meet up with my family where we are vacationing for a week. I took a risk several months ago and called him with the intent of asking him to come and visit us while we were down here. At first, like all survivors do, he said no because he didn’t think he could make the drive. As the weeks went by he allowed his feelings to embrace him and he changed his mind with a plan to come and visit. Today we come together with new eyes and a new relationship based on pure compassion. I am no longer the lost child that needed a stern hand in directing my life. I am a woman with her own family that still needs love and nourishment from family. He is the piece of ‘family’ that remains connected to my past and to our past. There are still many gifts that can be received and given between us. As a woman, I am safe to ask him questions that have never been asked and feel feelings with him I never felt allowed to feel. I can open my heart even more in his presence. Our lives are no longer based on survival instincts. It is my hope that through our new relationship that I realize even more the essence of where I came from and how my family, generations of the past, survived. We were masters of survival. In understanding the masters of survival I can embrace their gifts and move on to develop further the skills of compassion, nurture, and love in my own life with my own children. And the survival part? I can let that rest. I don’t have to survive anymore. I can let go of the rope I had been holding onto for so long and trust that when I fall my wings will spread and safely allow me to gently land or take off and fly, if I so choose. I was given the gift of survival because this is what my uncle was great at. He was this master, I do not need to master this in my life…it has already been done. I am allowed to let my creative energy flow so that I can develop parts of this generation that were unable to be developed. Like the creative ear for music that my mother had, the artistic painter and pianist of my uncle. It is my turn to let this go and develop the passion within so that I can pass on the importance of following passion in your life and trusting that all will be provided for. This is my gift that I will pass onto my children. All will be provided for if we trust, follow our hearts desire, and let go. This world is a safe place and we can do anything we dream. A survivor does not ‘think’ this way. My role is to finally break this cycle of generations of survivors. To say thank you for their gift and allow the peace of knowing to filter down to the generations to come. It is time to thrive on passions of the heart and allow life to be joyful. Life is no longer about surviving it is about bringing in joy. I thank my uncle and my mom and the generations of this family that have given me this enlightening gift. To live is to be joy and let passion reign over our eternal being of who we are. Thank you.